What is THIS?

I asked for snow, not sleet and freezing rain! I came outside of work tonight to 2 inches of sleet on my windshield! YUCK!!! The roads were slick coming home, but we are here safe and sound.

Things I want to Do...

I have had vague plans about the upcoming year, after I am finished at my present job and like I mentioned, they have been very vague. I've been bouncing back and forth between staying another year here or just up and moving, like I really want. Have any of you ever had what I'll call a "vision"? This has happened to me on several occasions. It is hard to explain, but I'll try. They usually happen to me when I seem to have hit a road block or have to pick between two paths. It happened on like the second or third date with the girls' dad. I couldn't decide for sure if I wanted to continue seeing him or whatever, and I had been really stressing about it and then this little daydream popped into my head and I saw him sitting around the table at my mom's and just fitting in with the family. I went on to have two kids with this man. It also happened the very first time I met Brian and the very first time I met Jim. In Jim's case, I knew instantly that I was going to sleep with him. I never imagined that we'd be the friends that we are today. In Brian's case, I just knew that I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. They are almost like deja vu moments but not quite. Anyway, I get them sometimes before starting something big, like going back to school or switching jobs and today, I had one and I just knew that I was going to be teaching and owning a daycare/preschool in an area other than this one. It became very clear to me that this job I am in right now is only temporary, but in finally knowing this for sure, I find myself enjoying it more, or at least having an easier time making the most of it.

The last few years I've had lofty goals that I have met and I think I perform better with goals to strive for. The last few years were to just finish school. Get my degree. Get a job. Okay, I've accomplished all of that. I took a break. No big goals for over a year, other than getting the program at the center back for the kids. I've accomplished that, too. I thought I'd get my master's degree and I will, but that isn't an immediate goal for me right now. I think I've only been leaning towards that because school has become a habit for me. I can BE a student. It is easy and familiar.

So, a drum roll please...I am now going to unveil my new official GOALS for my lifeplan, subject to change at any time of course, but I'm pretty confident that these are the new goals that I'll be sticking with.

1. Save money for new car and new apartment in at least southern Maine, maybe further.

2. Get my ass ready for the job search I'll be embarking on come January or February. I'll be looking for a real teaching job in the southern Maine area. If it doesn't work out, I'll keep my present job for another year. Things could be worse.

3. Save money for daycare/preschool fund. I want like $4000 or $5000 in the bank devoted just to this. That way, I can start on the foot that I want to and not have to feel like I am scrambling. This could take a year, but I am giving myself 2 years to meet this goal. At this point, Kayla will be 18 and will be one of my daycare workers. She wants to major in early childhood education and can work part-time at the daycare and go to school and eventually become a full partner with me. The same goes for Hayley if she decides to go into the business with us.

4. During this time, I will probably resume work on my master's degree at least on a part-time basis. Assuming I'll be teaching at a public school, I'll want to take advantage of their master's program. Most schools reimburse you to further your education.

5. I want to be working on my doctorate by the time I am 40.

6. Eventually, 20-30 years down the road, I want to be teaching English on some beautiful college campus somewhere, enjoying grandkids and taking care of my husband.

Flowers!

When I got home from work today, there were a dozen red roses on my table. They are absolutely GORGEOUS!!! I am assuming Brian sent them for our 2 year anniversary. I say I am assuming because the card was signed "From the staff at Denny's"...Denny's being the restaurant that we met at. He sat at my table and the rest is history. This is funny because I mailed his book out that I had bought him so that he'd be getting it today. The card had two people on the front, with the girl saying "Nice hair" and the guy saying "Great bod!" and inside the card said something about the elements of a lasting relationship. The note I wrote in it said I couldn't find a card with a picture of a couple eating at Denny's.

Other than that, today has been pretty much a typical Monday. Wife Swap is on tonight! I am sick, sick, sick, I know!

I have a bunch of errands to do tomorrow before heading to work.

Current Mood: very happy
Current Music: Maya and Miguel theme song

My Weekend

Friday was nice. Brian took me to lunch and it was nice to make out with him for a few minutes during the middle of my day. Aaron and Laura got married yesterday. The wedding was very nice. It was on a lake on the other side of Bucksport. Across the lake, you could see Blue Hill and Surry. The reception was there as well. Aaron is my best friend Allison's brother. The wedding was at 3 PM. We got there about 1:45. We left around 8.

I bought Brian a book that he wanted and a card for our 2 year anniversary of the night we met, which will be tomorrow night. He's probably just getting home from Paul's football game in the rain. Next Sunday is the last one. I can't say I am disappointed to see the season end and I can't say I am disappointed to have the opportunity to get Brian for an entire weekend again.

I bought two new movies this weekend. Girl, Interrupted, at Kayla's request and The Tommyknockers. I bought Eggnog. I bought stuff to make cookies.

This morning was our Sunday morning ritual, except we didn't go to church this morning. We're guilty of sleeping in. We did go to Ampersand's. Now we're just picking up a little and getting ready to start baking!

Current Mood: good
Current Music: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I am going to enjoy my morning off today. I was asleep by 9 last night. I'm not sure why I was so tired. It isn't the first time I've functioned on less than 8 hours sleep and I did SLEEP for 6 hours, so I'm not sure what warrented the 10 hours last night. I did have a bad headache that kind of came on me suddenly. It was right behind my eyes and I chalked it up to driving more than in a typical day and being overtired. It is gone now.

I'm picking up the kids today at 2 and 2:30, then off to the center until 8.

My friend Charlie called last night. He's in town and wants to catch up. I used to be able to see him whenever I wanted and since he started law school and moved from the area, we don't have that luxury anymore. We went to Welch's funeral together last fall and his death really affected he and I quite profoundly. When we caught up last April, he mentioned it and I looked at him and had to agree that things in my life just weren't "comfortable" like they used to be.

Anyway, things are better now. You just have to take things day by day, and decide that this day will be a good one. The sun is shining! I am going to the bank and then to get my latte.

Zach is flying down to Virginia to spend a week with his dad. I'm really not happy, but I know Zach is. He'll leave the 29th and come back the next Friday. I have to drive him to the airport in Portland. At first, I wasn't too excited about that, but I love Portland and I decided to use this as an excuse to do some shopping down there! :) The girls and I had a great time shopping there last time. I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. Allison's brother is getting married. I guess at the reception, which is being catered, Laura is paying $40 a head for food, so I'm thinking *free meal* , *open bar*...cool! Allison went with me to my sister's wedding in CT. We had such a great time! We skipped the rehearsal dinner and ate at Mystic Pizza. Mystic Pizza being the place where Julia Roberts worked in the movie Mystic Pizza.

Brian is supposed to be taking me out to lunch tomorrow. He hasn't decided if he's staying down for the night or not, which is why I am going to the wedding Saturday. I'm not waiting around for him to decide and then get stuck not having plans. Even if he does stay down, he can leave at noon, instead of later. I have to be in Hampden by 1.

Current Mood: pretty good
Current Music: Someday my Prince will Come......Miles Davis

Today wasn't nearly as bad as I had imagined. I am tired because of the early start, but the drive went off without a hitch and the whole conference wasn't so bad. The morning was entertaining. The learning session before lunch was BORING!!! A bunch of commissioners, Senators, Representatives and the like, slapping themselves on the back. In my opinion, they could have done that without the audience! During two sessions, I had the opportunity to work in small groups with the governor. That was cool. Then the last session, which was the most informative and helpful, was led by a task force that consisted of two judges, two juvenile probation officers, a sheriff. The judges were getting tired of the juvenile system. Either the kids were seeing jail time, or probation. They started a program that let them do community service, as opposed to jail time and they shared the other parts to that program that has been seemingly a complete success. The kids that completed the program have not gotten in trouble again. I found it helpful because they use a mentoring program and that I want to implement a more formal one at my center. So while asking my questions and describing my situation, two girls started talking to me from Bangor, working for Penquis CAP and they have all kinds of free programs that they could bring to the kids, they just need kids! So we're meeting early next week. All in all, it was very productive. I skipped out for dessert/tea-time and made it home by 5. I really had had enough. We were just going to regroup and just talk and have dessert. Kind of a replication of the early morning.

Now I am just getting supper ready and enjoying my kids. I think we're going to play a game! We're having honey mustard glazed chicken, stuffing and twice-baked potatos.

Current Mood: Happy I am home. Happy I can sleep in tomorrow! :)
Current Music: Lifehouse CD....I am buying tickets tomorrow for me and Kayla. Their concert is November 11th! Can't wait!

For Lack of a Better Title

Today's not quite as crappy as yesterday. It will be an early morning tomorrow preceding a very long day. I have to be up so I can be on the road by 7 AM. The conference is at 8:30. It ends at 5 and it'll be a good hour and 20 minutes driving home with 5 PM traffic. There's another conference scheduled on Thursday at Sugarloaf. They would pay for my hotel to stay over for both of these, but I'm coming home tomorrow night and driving in tomorrow morning and I am not driving another 1 1/2 hours to go to Sugarloaf the next day. Not to mention, I have to close the center tomorrow because of this conference and I'd have to close it on Thursday if I went to the other one. No thanks!

I spent the last 2 hours picking up around here at home. I don't have to pick up the kids until 2. It will greatly reduce my stress knowing that I have a clean house to come home to tonight after work. I slept pretty well last night. I was out by 10:15 and slept thru until about 7, then I dozed until 8:45. I won't have that luxury tomorrow, but on the upside, I don't have to be at work until 2:45 PM on Thursday, so I can definitely sleep in that day.

I really wish there was something more exciting to report about. Different day, same chaos. It'd be nice to win the lottery. I'm in the mood to go hiking right now.

Current Mood: not looking forward to being really busy for the next 24 or so hours.
Current Mood: By Surprise.......Joy Williams

Wife-Swap

My dirty little secret...I love the show Wife-Swap...it is on tv tonight. I am looking forward to it. How sick am I? Today was a typical Monday. Crappy! Claire and I are "doing" lunch tomorrow. What has my life become? I have a big conference in Augusta on Wednesday. The Governor will be there. The second conference with him. It is so surreal at times. I mean, it isn't like conferencing with the President or something, but still dripping with self-importance, nonetheless. I'll be careful not to let it go to my head! :)

I am really glad today is over. It was nice to see the sun today. I needed that. I got some random emails today. One from my friend Terri in Alaska. Just checking in with me. She'll be home for a visit in the springtime. One from an old flame. Just checking in with me. I think he was just feeling me out. It is about time for our "same time next year" routine and I'm not interested!

Have I mentioned how glad I am that today is over? Tuesday thru Friday will be crazy busy as usual. At this rate, it'll be springtime again before I know it!

Current Mood: a little blah and tired
Current Music: Night Moves........Bob Seger

Weekend Wrap-up

It was a nice relaxing weekend. Brian and I went to see Flightplan Friday night. It was boring and predictable. I don't recommend anyone spending $7 on it. Wait and rent it, if you must. We had supper at the Texas Roadhouse. Saturday morning, we drove to Orono so I could get my latte, then back to Bangor to go shopping. We hit up the furniture stores because Brian signed the papers for the new apartment! :) Then we went to the mall and shopped for some new clothes for him. We ate at Ruby's and my Bailey, Madison, Karen and Nonny were there! I got some big hugs and kisses from Bailey and Madison. Karen is emailing me some pictures of Bailey at gymnastics and she'll call so Bailey and Madison can spend some time with their Jennifer! After that, we went to Old Navy and Walmart.

Brian and I talked a lot about my owning a preschool/daycare in the Portland area. When the time is right, I know that career change will make me very happy.

I bought 6 new movies this weekend. Amityville 2: The Possession. This is a prequel to the original and remake of Amityville Horror. The prequel is about the actual family that owned the house and were murdered by the oldest son, who said the voices in the house made him do it. Amityville Horror is about the family that buys the house immediately after those murders and they lasted less than a month in the house before moving out. I also bought Scream 2, Ice Princess, The Pacifier, Fat Albert, and Surviving Christmas. I also bought 4 new ones last weekend.

Now, I am watching movies with the kids. Brian is at Paul's football game. In the rain. Cassie called Brian 3 times last night. Her boyfriend works for a Nextel racing team, so they were calling Brian from the race last night. Brian was watching it on tv and trying to explain some of it to me. I'm not a big race fan.

That is all my exciting news from this weekend.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: You are Sixteen.....The Sound of Music

Movie Night

Brian and I are going to see either Flightplan or The Fog tonight. Probably Flightplan because Brian hates horror movies. I'm kind of hoping I can sneak it by him without him noticing until the movie starts. :) Fat chance!

He also thinks he is getting that apartment. He said he'll decide today and that we can go furniture shopping tomorrow. He also said I can decorate the whole place any way I want, as long as it is within his price range! I LOVE decorating! I'm so excited about all of that. It has been two weeks since I've been to Presque Isle, so Brian is coming down here this weekend. Our two year anniversary is next week. I met him 2 years ago on the 24th and we had our first date on the 31st. We've certainly had our ups and downs during the course of these two years, but I love him. I read a quote today about how "you shouldn't marry the person you think you can live with, you should marry the person you know you can't live without." I thought that was sweet. It definitely sums up how I feel about Brian. I don't know yet how I am going to live with him, but I definitely know I don't want to live without him.

Great Night

We had a great night tonight at the center! I made pancakes and French toast for supper. The kids loved it. I had 4 volunteers, which was a huge help. We did yoga with Amol and then filmed a couple of scenes for our i-movie.

While doing yoga, Brian called me at work just to tell me he loved me...aaaaawwwwww! He can be so sweet when he wants to be! Hopefully he's still coming down tomorrow night. Next Friday, he'll be in Bangor for a class he has to take to keep his appraisal license current and he's having lunch with me.

Anyway, that is all she wrote.

Movies

Last night we went to see "In Her Shoes" at the movies. I had just finished the book a week or two ago, so I was anxious to see it. Plus it starred Cameron Diaz, Toni Colette, and Shirley MacClaine, and I like all three actresses. It was funny and a good way to spend 2 hours.

I want to see The Corpse Bride and Flight Plan next. Maybe Brian and I'll go to the movies Friday night.

Shelley and Dan broke up. She came to the center last night and we talked about it. She has a lot of personal family stuff going on right now and didn't really need this on top of it, but she is doing pretty well.

Brian and I had a pretty good talk last night so that makes me happy. I don't like it when things are tense between us. I don't like it in general, but I esecially don't like it when we're 200 miles apart. Last night, we talked and things were back to normal. I hope he gets that new apartment. Everyone keep your fingers crossed. We really need a place that isn't a hotel or his parents or the office. Not that we've been miserable. It will just be nice to make meals together instead of always going out and it will be nice to have a place all our own and see how our relationship is like under the new conditions. His kids don't live with him so my being at his place is different then him being at mine. We both feel uncomfortable with him staying at my house because my kids live with me. He loves my kids, my kids love him and if there was any man I'd trust into my home, it is certainly Brian, but my kids are teenagers and what kind of message will I be sending them by letting Brian stay over? They are aware of my weekends away with Brian and they are not stupid. I am sure they assume we're sleeping together. But assuming one's parent has sex and being in the same house with it are different issues. When Brian and I are married or even engaged, things will be different, but until I know for sure, I don't feel I need to subject my kids to that unnecessarily. Kind of like why Brian and I don't sleep together in his parent's house, if his parents are in town. They know we sleep together, but it is a respect thing. I wouldn't feel right. When they are out of town, that is something different! :)

New Stuff

* My friend David is running for re-election to the City Council and asked me to put a big sign on my lawn. I said of course.

* Brian's son Paul did not pass his driver's test. :( He'll retake it in 3 weeks.

* I'm taking the kids to the movies tonight.

Psycho-babble

Work was pretty good last night. It was more subdued than usual, which can be a good thing. Jamie came over to the center because she needed help typing up a paper for her class, so she brought her baby Jordan over and Kayla played with him for awhile while Jamie and I worked on her paper. Jordan is one of the babies at Itty Bitty. He is such a sweet natured baby. He fell asleep in Kayla's arms and it was just the sweetest thing.

I'm feeling a little better this morning. Jim's talk helped a lot. He had a good point. All of these life changes are coming at me one way or another, and I can either decide to stay all mopey and depressed about it or I can decide to put a smile on my face and deal with the changes as they come. Honestly, what will happen if I put on a happy face? Why do I feel like my outside needs to match my inside? My therapist used to say "Jenn, what will happen if you just let go of control of everything?" I remember looking at him like he was the one who was nuts. What will happen if I let go of this illusion of control I have over my life? All these little balls I have up in the air will come crashing down around me into a big chaotic mess that will cause me to lose sleep and lose weight because of loss of appetite, my skin will break out and I'll be generally unhappy. Ooooookaaaaay....so by mainting control I am losing sleep, losing weight, losing my appetite and I have 3 pimples and I am generally unhappy. BUT my balls are still up in the air! HA! The bottom line is, I don't like it when I can't be in control at all times. When I feel I am losing control, my house is super clean, I'm skinny, I am extremely organized and my kids have a Stepford mother.

Do you want to know what I think is the biggest problem I have with work? Last year, I simply volunteered at the center 20 hours a week. I was not paid in dollars. I was paid in satisfaction of helping these kids that I love so much. When they lost their program because of lack of funding, I made a personal vow to help in any way I could so they could get their program back. SO fastforward to today. The program is back and I am now a paid employee. I should be super happy. I'm doing exactly the same things I was doing last year, except now I am getting paid for it! I think it all boils down to intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Last year, I was intrinsically motivated to work at the center because of the personal fulfillment and satisfaction it was giving me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I was helping others. Now I feel obligated to do the same things because I am getting a paycheck. I'm not deriving as much personal satisfaction. Does this make sense? My motivation has inadvertantly become extrinsic because of the paycheck.

And to think I went into education instead of pyschology! By the time I get myself all psycho-analyzed and figured out, I'll be too old to care anymore and ready to die. Think of all of the precious energy I am wasting on this. Not to mention, what is the whole damn point of figuring it all out anyway? Finding out WHY something is happening doesn't make it stop happening. It just gives you a name to call it. Like gravity. It wasn't like things didn't fall down before the discovery of gravity. It isn't like things stopped falling down after the discovery. All it did was answer the question, WHY do things fall down instead of up? Newton sat there and said, "I'm going to call this phenomenon gravity." I know I sleep easier knowing there is a name for it.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Getting into You....Relient K

Anyway...

I spent about an hour talking with Jim. I had to go pick up a mini-dv camera for the center tonight. The kids are filming their i-movie. He gave me some good advice about where to get more volunteers for the center and gave me some good advice about Brian. I am just frustrated right now. There are just a lot of little things all coming together at once. Summer is over. I'm not spending nearly as much time with Brian as I have been because we're busier than we were this summer. He has football games to go to because his son plays. Brian wants to be with me, too, but doesn't want to miss much of the last year and a half with his son. I don't want him to miss much of it either. BUT it is still frustrating, even if Brian is worth the wait. Work is good but emotionally draining. Kayla is starting to drive and is going to start dating very soon. My ex is getting married in June. I really am okay with that but his future wife wants a child. He doesn't want any more kids and I don't know how I feel about him being a father to kids other than ours. Not that I have anything to say about it, which I acknowledge that I don't. There are just lots of things to deal with and feelings to explore and to think about lately between Brian, work, my kids, their father, my father, etc. It is all overwhelming at times. I pray and wait, wait and pray.

Jim made me promise I'd stop worrying about it. He thinks I need to smile again and leave everything in God's hands. I need to remember everything I have to be thankful for...a safe, warm dwelling that I can afford, money to pay my bills, food in the pantry, a car that runs, healthy kids, a healthy self, friends that care, a church that I love, and most importanly, faith in a God that hasn't let me down yet.


Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Nothing Compares....Third Day

October 11, 2005

I don't want to do a damn thing today! I just want to hang out and stay home. The dangers of indulging in a 4-day weekend. I was watching Alicia Keyes on Good Morning America and she really is very very pretty, not to mention incredibly talented.

Last night, I had bizarre dreams. None of any substance to write about, but just weird. I also woke up every couple of hours, which I did not do all weekend. That was because I was just stressing about work today and knowing I am back on a time schedule. I'd keep waking up thinking I'd overslept.

Last night, the kids and I watched Wife Swap. I hate to admit it but I like that show. I like to see how other people rear their children because it is interesting to see what works and what doesn't. Plus it gives the kids and I a chance to talk about the different parenting styles and the kids usually come away feeling glad that we're relatively sane and functional as a family unit.

Oh well, I need my latte to get going this morning.

Driver's Ed

Let's just say, I am NOT good in the passenger seat while my daughter is driving. I really didn't think I'd be so bad at this. All three kids are mad at me. Mom, she's just learning! Mom, stop yelling at her. For the record, I wasn't yelling so much as I was saying, "Brake, Kayla. BRAKE, Kayla!"

Then driving home, we drove by the tree I had run into with Danny Emerson's car back in 1988. That was before I had my driver's license. I was instantly reminded of how far I have come in the driving world.

We're going to try it again later and I promise to be more patient. It is amazing how fast 10 mph feels from the passenger seat, though!

Let It Snow

It is 6 PM and I am ready for bed already! I should be at church tonight, but the heavy rain has me avoiding driving to Bangor today. I went to Ampersand's and then made a quick trip to the drive-thru at Burger King tonight for Zach. The girls are having chinese food with their dad tonight. Zach and I are just hanging out. He wanted to listen to Christmas music this evening.

I'm in my jammies, finishing up laundry, and reading, with Christmas music playing in the background. Now if only it was SNOWING instead of raining! :) I've been having serious ski withdrawals! I can't wait to ski, ski, ski! And go sledding and snowshoeing and x-country skiing.



Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: I'll be Home for Christmas......Bing Crosby

Cold and Wet

That is the weather forecast for today. The kids and I are cleaning today. I bought 4 movies yesterday so we've had plenty to occupy ourselves while being stuck inside. I am so glad I have tomorrow off! I slept in today until 10:30. I think one more day of that and I'll be good to go! In college, we always called Columbus Day break "Suicide Break" because statistics had proven that more suicides occured on campus when the 4 day weekend was taken away. Mid-October can be a stressful time because it is also mid-semester. After Halloween, there is like 3 1/2 weeks till Thanksgiving and everyone knows that after Thanksgiving break, little gets done before classes end for the semester in December. I think the same goes for the real world, too. I've been stressing right out, not over anything in particular, but just a bunch of little things that combine into one big "EVERYTHNG". This long weekend was desperately needed.

A Day in the Life of Me

I bought a new AC power adapter for the kids old SNES system. They have about 20 games with it and we'd lost the adapter long ago (probably tossed out on one of my cleaning rampages) so Zach suggested I buy a new cord. Now they are playing their video games that they haven't played in quite a few years. They still have an original PS One and two PS 2's and they all have game boy colors and Zach has a game boy color advanced SP AND his newest addition is a PSP. Not to mention, they have an Atari, which is my personal favorite, and assorted computer games, but variety is the spice of life! And video games are good to while away a rainy long weekend. I spent one entire weekend playing Grand Theft Auto. I remember that once I got behind the wheel again of a real car, it was hard to lose the feeling of wanting to run down pedestrians and drive on sidewalks. My kids were white-knuckled that entire trip to the grocery store, or so the family legend goes, so I have since put myself on GTA restriction.

I bought a nice Aeropostal shirt, one book and two movies (Rudolph and Home Alone) at Goodwill last night and I treated the kids to a nice supper out. I talked with Brian last night on the phone until almost midnight and slept in until Zach and Kayla came in and jumped on the bed to wake me up. They wanted me to get my latte and get them steamers and bagels. Plus they wanted to get the day going. I promised to take Kayla shopping today. Old Navy and Kohl's, Famous Footware and AC Moore have all opened up this weekend. All this means is that we won't have to go to Augusta anymore for these stores.

I need to go grocery shopping today.

I also want to buy a new bedroom set today. I told Kayla that she can have my queensize bed for her room. I want a new one.

Oh well, that is all for now.

Rambling

I had a fairly good night's sleep last night. I have a "tired" headache right now, meaning my eyes still feel tired, but the rest of me is feeling well-rested. I've had a stressful week last week and it was all catching up to me yesterday. I spent about an hour yesterday talking with Jim and he gave me his old standby advice, "Pray about it, Jenn." It was helpful, though and he ended our conversation with, "You know how I feel about you." That made me happy and sad all at once because I do know. What is sad about that statement is the knowledge that no matter how much you may love someone, if it isn't meant to be, there isn't anything you can do about it. But it made me happy just knowing that someone loved me like that, even if we didn't marry each other (in fact, he's now married to someone else). Our friendship was based initially on attraction, but turned into love and no matter where we are in our lives, we still have that friendship. It is a different kind of love than the kind I feel for Brian. I eat, sleep, and breathe Brian. He is my lover, my intellectual equal, my best friend. Jim is my confidente, my reminder to trust in God, my mentor. I know this sounds cliche, but seriously, if I were a man, I would be Jim.


I talked with Brian for a few hours last night and he said a lot of things that made sense. He knows I am not really as happy with this new job, emotionally speaking, but he said that the reason I am missing the preschool so much is because it was comfortable and routine and safe. This new job is challenging and fast-paced and inconsistent. He said that he thinks I am the type of person that is most comfortable with a job that has a routine and when I don't have one, I feel more stressed and less competent. I said I had to agree. There is a lot of responsibility with this new job. Yes, I am rising to the challenge and succeeding, but at a cost to my mental health. The welfare system, the economy and politics in general, can be discouraging and pessimism is bountiful. I deal directly with the children of this system and it is heartbreaking. I work directly with the government to improve these kids' lives and the government feels bad and says, "Here's a hundred grand, how are you going to spend it." These kids don't need $100,000. These kids need parents that give a shit. They need a bath. They need hugs and kisses. They need parents that aren't addicted to meth, trying to get off heroine. They need a house that doesn't smell like animal feces. They need clothes that fit. So my group of volunteers and I feed these kids, hug these kids, care about these kids, and drive ourselves crazy.

The advice given to me yesterday was pray (Jim) and stop thinking so much about it (Brian) and get a good night's sleep (Brian). I have to do something. My jeans are getting too big. These would be my new jeans. The jeans I bought because my others were getting too big.

Current Mood: Not Right
Current Music: Baby Lets Her Blue Jeans Talk............Dr. Hook

Update

We had a good night at the center last night. Chip came up from Augusta and ended up staying longer than he'd planned. He was blown away by what we have going on there. He kept saying that he "had no idea." So looks like we might be getting more funding from the government for another position. He said there is clearly enough work there for two people. I feel very pleased with how the meeting went. He was also impressed with how well we've been able to meet the kids' needs on such a minimal budget and with my filing system.

BUT I still don't see me at this job forever. I don't love it like I loved being a preschool teacher.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Saturday in the Park.........Chicago

Making Friends

zachsnake.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Zach & snake

Around the Neck

neck.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Ashley looking on as Zach let's the snake go around his neck.

Tyler, Zach & Derek

boys.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Snake

snake.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Me holding a 2 year old Python.

Courtney, Cassidy & Jenn

reading.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Reading to the kids at the center.

Jenn, Courtney, Tabitha

outside.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Chip is coming up from Augusta tomorrow for a site tour. I don't know why I am so nervous about it. I don't have to be at work tomorrow until 2 PM. Hopefully, I will sleep in a little tomorrow. I just took a nice hot shower and shaved my legs. I feel human again. I did absolutely NOTHING at work today, except clean the center and organize my desk!

That horrible boat accident in Lake George was where Brian and I spent Labor Day Weekend in upstate New York. I am missing him so much right now.

I am going to go to bed and read. I finished In Her Shoes last night. I wanted to finish it before I see the movie. I don't know what book I want to start right now. I just picked up Advise and Consent.

Boardwalk

boardwalk.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Barbara and Zachary on the bog walk.

Save Me!

saveme.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Kayla pretending to get bitten by the whale, with Hayley and Devon. Bar Harbor, Maine.

Hayley Jordan

hayley.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

On Bar Island...the ship is in the distance.

Zachary Tyler

zach.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Webster Park

Me and My Baby

momzach.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

On Bar Island.

Swim!!!

SWIM.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Zach swimming against the current and not going anywhere.

Hayley and Zach

Hayley and Zach
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

A cute one of my younger two.

Sandbar

sandbar.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

This is the sandbar that we had to walk across to get to Bar Island.

Bowling

bowling.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Zach falling down while bowling.

Kayla

kayla.JPG
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

One of Kayla at Webster Park.

Bar Island

Bar Island
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Zach and Mom on Bar Island

Norwegien Jewel

Norwegien Jewel
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

A cruise ship that was anchored in the harbor.

WOW...Tired!

What a great weekend! It didn't start off so hot Friday night. I talked with Brian for a little while and then went to bed. I slept until 10 AM the next morning. I never do that anymore. So the kids and I got up and we headed to Bar Harbor for the day to do some hiking. BEAUTIFUL! The weather was low 70s and not a cloud in the sky. We hiked over to Bar Island, which is only accessible during low tide because you have to walk across the sandbar. The kids always try to get me to lose track of time while we're over there so we can get stranded on the island until the next low tide. Then we had some supper and headed back to Bangor. We went bowling later that night with Eric and Erin. That was a lot of fun. On Sunday, the kids and I got up at 6:30 AM and went to church. We haven't been together for awhile. Hayley will go with Sara and I'll go, or Kayla will go with her friends. Zach has been gone all summer. So anyway, it was good to be back in church to see our friends there. We came home and I got my latte and then we packed a picnic lunch and a blanket, some games and books and spent the afternoon at Webster Park. It was 80 degrees out yesterday. Zach went swimming in the river. It was funny to watch him swim against the current because he couldn't move ahead at all and when he slowed down his strokes, he would move downstream! Very funny to watch! After that, we went hiking on the boardwalk at the Orono Bog. It is like 2 miles of boardwalk and because of the 80 degrees wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been. I had been wearing a sweatshirt and didn't have a tee-shirt on underneath, so I was trapped in my clothes. It was busier there than I had thought it would be. Why, I'm not so sure, with Orono being as liberal infested as it is! :)

GOOD NEWS! My phone line now works both ways at work!!! YIPPEE!!!

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Wang Chung

Happy October

My mood seems slightly better this morning. I'm not sure what the kids and I am going to do today. Tomorrow morning we're going to church. The weather is beautiful outside. I really want to get some nice Fall pictures of the kids outside.

Itty Bitty

Jessie called me today. I guess the break person up and quit today. She asked what my availibity was next week or until they filled the position. I have most Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-2 available. If Brian would be willing to pay me under the table, I would definitely come back. Because of the contract I am under, I signed it with the understanding that I wouldn't get a second job. Others have other jobs, like babysitting, etc., but they are paid with a personal check. Anyway, Jessie is talking to Brian tonight and will let me know this weekend what he says. I would LOVE to have even a part of my job back. I miss the kids desperately. I miss Jessie and Erica. I seriously think this is part of my depression/anxiety right now. No matter how bad of a day I was having, every day was a good day at the preschool. I love my new job and I love being back at the center, but last year I was working at BOTH places. Nothing has changed, other than we are no longer funded by Literacy Volunteers, but by a government program that stipulates I won't get another job. All bureaucratic stuff. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Glad it is Friday

I am looking forward to going home and painting this weekend. The weather is supposed to be sunny and dry, so I think I will paint my ceilings maybe or my bathroom. I haven't decided. I just want to paint something. It has been a long week and I just want to do some home stuff. I am crampy and achy and don't want to go too far. I am going to try to sleep in tomorrow and I want to go to church on Sunday. I haven't been for awhile. I think the kids and I need to spend some time Sunday there. It will be good for us. Maybe tonight we'll go to Border's. We havne't done that for quite some time.

We stayed at the center last night until 8:30. We started playing Monopoly and Amol, who is our grad student from India, had never played Monopoly, and thought it was a lot of fun. Ashley's brother is in DHS custody now, so it was kind of a subdued evening, which was why I let them stay later. Once we started the game, and everyone started to cheer up, we wanted to keep the momentum going.

Brian has been in one of his moods this week. We were fine Sunday and Monday. Tuesday he didn't call. No big deal. I talked with him on Wednesday. He didn't call last night. I guess I am fine with this if he was just in a cranky bad mood anyway, but when I don't get to see him every night, I at least find comfort in hearing his voice before I go to sleep.

I will admit that I have been sick, I am having my period, and the medicine I was on was really putting me on the emotional edge, so I think I am probably over-reacting and may be hypersensitive right now, which is why I think it is important to lay low this weekend and do something physical around the house and get my butt back into church on Sunday. I just didn't want to leave Brian on Sunday and I haven't been the same since. What I want to do is just cry and throw a fit because my life isn't exactly how I want it right now. Not terribly mature. Right now, this very minute, what I miss the most, is hanging out at Jim's house, watching movies with him and getting a very nice back massage. I visited with him last week at the office but it just isn't the same anymore. He's different, I'm different, not to mention, he's married now, so the whole back rub thing is out of the question. Another part of me just really wants to pack it all up and move across the country. Start over. Anywhere. Isn't that weird that I could be feeling that way at the same time that I LOVE my job and am happy staying at this job for at least this year? My anxiety is looming over me. I'm feeling overwhelmed, but not quite sure what about. I'm feeling depressed, again not quite sure what about. So maybe I am the one that is in one of my moods this week and it isn't Brian at all.

BORING

Kayla and I have decided that this was the most boring day of our lives! This evening should prove to be more exciting.

We have to run to the grocery store and then the bank and then I have to pay my car insurance. After that, we'll be off to get Zach and then we're headed to work tonight. Grilled cheese sandwiches for supper. The older kids are practicing for their new IMovie they are filming. The Headless Horseman.

The drain in broke in my tub. I can slide the lever up and down that opens and closes the drain, but it does not open the drain to let the water out.

I Need a Vacation!

That is how I am feeling right now. Brian and I are supposed to be getting away for the long weekend during Columbus Day and I can't wait.

Right now, I am wishing I had slept in a little. I am really tired right now.

Sesame Street

Kayla and I are home this morning. She has an eye doctor's appointment. I'm blogging, she's reading the paper, but Sesame Street is on in the background. 10 years ago, this exact scene would have happened, but she wouldn't have been reading the paper and I wouldn't have been blogging.

Well, I suppose I should get ready and get my day moving.

Staff Day

Staff day was fun today, but 8-6 is a long day. Kayla has an eye doctor appointment tomorrow at 10. We'll be at the center tomorrow night until 8 and then it is Friday again. Tonight the kids wanted roasted chicken, as in a WHOLE roasted chicken. Needless to say, it will be a late supper.

At work tonight, I had to operate a real popcorn popper. I've never used one and this one didn't have any kind of instructions because it has been around for awhile. Remember that one, I am not a big popcorn eater, two, when I do eat it, or make it, it is the microwave variety and when I was a little kid, my mother used to use the Jiffy pop you moved around over a burner. So I overfilled the popcorn maker and things were going well until the big bowl was full and more popcorn was still coming, which left me scrambling for another big bowl and trying to catch the overflowing popcorn. There were a few panic-filled moments after I pulled the plug because the machine was still hot and still popping. The kids at the center had a good time with it.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Walk by Faith.......Jeremy Camp

L8R G8R

Does anyone else get annoyed by grown adults using shorthand when typing in an instant messenger? I'm not talking the simple c-ya or brb because even I use those once in awhile, but I really can't stand it when people can't type "you" and instead type "U" or they add numbers like l8r g8r...or they tpYe LiKe tHiS. It is okay if you have a "teen" after your age.

It was a long night at the center. Tomorrow will be even longer. 8-2 for our staff day. We are singing made up lyrics to Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry...Be Happy" in front of the mayor. Nice. Wearing really queer painter cap's. I had to have a degree for this! I'm cutting out of tomorrow's festivities early because I have to pick up my kids and then head to the center, which is where I will be until 6:30.

Alright. I need to get to bed.

Crap!

I was just sitting here at home, relaxing a little before I have to go back to the center tonight, when I realized I am going to be 34 on my next birthday! That is fucking old. Really fucking old. The ironic part is that these are the good years. The ones I will miss the most when I am sitting on my fat ass in a rocking chair.

Update

SOOOOO, I called the girl at work today and we straightened everything out. I feel much better about it all now.

When I got home tonight, I kind of got mad at the kids because sometimes they just sit around waiting for me to get home for work, to TELL them to pick up. Now, I know they are capable of looking around them and seeing what needs to be done. But I probably shouldn't have gotten so mad. They really have gotten much better about helping around here and there have been nights when I've gotten home and they've had everything done.

Anyway, it is all done now. The dishes, some laundry and we even rearranged the living room. We're all sitting in the living room now, watching Wheel of Fortune, eating supper, the dog is on her bed, and it is kind of like we've moved into a different place. I looked at them, all helping and behaving and I feel as if I've entered the bizarro world. Amazing what a little feng shui can do for you!

Okay

So there is this girl at work. She has to volunteer at the office because she gets general assistance and she lives in the community that my center is located in. She has taken to me and even though she has a lot of problems, I genuinely like and care about her. Now, my problem. We've gotten pretty friendly, which is probably mistake number one, but she works in the main office, not my center, so there is no conflict of interest and in no way does my job have anything to do with her situation. We are in our thirties and we both have 3 kids. Her dad killed himself and mine has problems. Her ex is getting out of jail next month for beating her up and I have been in that situation, too. So when she has problems or wants to talk, I've listened to her. Well, she called me 4 in the morning on Friday because of said problems and again Sunday night. I have been gone all weekend. Just let me say, she has a LOT of emotional and mental problems, so I am trying to not take anything too personally, but because I actually have a career and not a lot of time to fix her problems, she actually used ME as the reason why she couldn't pass her house inspection this morning. She couldn't get a hold of me all weekend, so it is my fault that somebody couldn't help her with her kids so she could clean. Yeah, well. That didn't go over too big with me this morning and my first inclination was to tell her off, which was what I did. Now that I've calmed down a little, I've realized that I could have handled that differently. I just have a real problem with people that don't take responsibility for their own lives. There are a good number of us that haven't had the best of childhoods and we don't all grow up and abuse drugs and alcohol or end up in jail or beat their kids. I think there are some people that are more inclined to do those things and they use their childhood problems as an excuse of why they are in their situation or use them as an excuse as to why they can't fix their lives. They use their problems to justify all the bad things in their life. And I'm talking about a lot of good friends and family of mine that just can't get past their childhood trauma, not just the clients in this particular neighborhood. I don't know why I am surprised. Ever since I have met her, all I've heard is how her situation is her paren'ts fault, her caseworker's fault, her abusive ex's fault, her children's fault. Well, when is it going to be HER fault?

There, I feel better now. I seriously have a problem with attracting toxic people in my life. This is just a repeat of a lesson I learned once before abouting getting more invested into helping someone than they are invested in it. Some people are unwilling to help themselves and will always look for someone else to blame.

Other than that, I am having a great day at work. I am PMSing so my mood yesterday doesn't really surprise me now. I'm also on my last two days of prednisone and it makes me very very emotional. Tonight, I am going grocery shopping and I'm going to cook a nice supper for my kids and maybe play a game with them. Today is my easy 8 hour workday. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday will be late nights at the center. Wednesday we have a staff day over at the ranch, so I won't have that afternoon off. Wednesday will be 8 AM until 6:30 PM. Before you know it, Friday will be here again!

Current Mood: off
Current Music: Total Eclipse of the Heart ........Bonnie Tyler

Nail Nazis

Remind me the next time I am at the mall to avoid going down the section towards Filene's, where these Nail Nazis hang out, trying to get you to buy their product. I made the mistake of making eye contact with one of them. So then I had two nails buffed and polished. Very nice, but I wasn't interested on spending $30 on their product. It did feel good though, so I think I will spend the $30 on a manicure. I waited at the Gap until they were accosting somebody else before going back by them. I spent an hour and a half at the mall and it was most discouraging. I really hate the days when I am too down even to shop! And right now, I am really missing Brian. More than our usual Sunday night missing each other. I'm having a hard time getting myself into doing anything right now. I cleaned a little. Hung out at the mall. Tried on some new jeans. Has anyone seen the horror in the stores right now? Maybe I am just overly fussy, but if I am going to spend $50 or more dollars on a pair of frigging jeans, they had better be EXACTLY what I want.

Jenn's Good Jeans Guide
1. Can't be too loose
2. Can't be too tight on thighs.
3. If I wanted them to look run over by a subway train, I'd do it myself.
4. A nice, crisp, slightly faded blue color would be nice.
5. Sometimes a darker, yet washed look is nice, too.
6. They MUST fit the butt.
7. No ribbons, no bows
8. Absolutely NO camel toe.
9. Bootcut is nice.
10. Not going for the square butt look.
11. No butt crack.
12. Pockets must be strategically placed.
13. They have to have pockets, though. Not going for the big round butt look, either.


So my trouble? I'll find the absolutely perfect shade of blue, and they'll be a size two. Or they'll be in my size, but either extra long or ankle length. I am a regular 32" inseam. I'm not short and I'm not tall. I'm a pretty average 5'6, but with my heels, I'm usually 5'7 or 5'8 and I most always wear some kind of heel. I really shouldn't even be in the market for more jeans, but I have a fetish. I currently have 4 perfect fitting pairs, 2 that will do in a pinch, two that I will never wear, a white Polo pair, an offwhite Nautica pair, and a few pair of Levi's that I can't bear to part with. I really need some new shirts. A whole new can of worms. I'm not into wearing little "Vote for Pedro" tee shirts. These long, frilly spaghetti strap things are totally useless. Okay for nightclubbing, but where the hell will anyone wear these other than for that purpose? I even tried my old faithful, The Gap today. I only found ONE pair of cute cordroys that I would buy, but they didn't have my length. I did find a cute button up cardigan that I would have loved to wear, but for $55, I could find a similar alternative at Kohl's or Target and save myself $20.

I suppose I should go clean my room. Do something useful with the rest of my day off.

Much Too Short

The weekend was much too short. Zach and I just got back from our little trip to Presque Isle. He spent the weekend with his grandparents and I spent it with Brian. We just hung out yesterday. We did that food drive thing we had to do on the bike and then hung out watching t.v. for about an hour. I was craving mashed potatoes and gravy, meatloaf and a vegetable, so Brian drove me 42 miles so I could have just that. We had kind of a deep talk on the way home. Mostly him talking. By about 9 or so, I had had enough. It wasn't anything specific but just kind of seeing where we are going to be in the next year or so. We, as in "US", not we as in he and I separately. I am still trying to figure out what the talk was about really. We're happy with each other and where we seem to be headed, so it wasn't a break up kind of talk. We are still making plans for our near future, vacations together, etc. Because of his divorce, or more specifically, the surprise he felt at finding out about all of the infidelities, he is constantly checking "us", like what I am thinking or if we are still on the same page. I am the type of person that, unless it is something that I specifically need to know, I don't need to constantly evaluate where he and I are. I understand his motivation for this. He loves me and doesn't want to be in a situation where the rug gets pulled out from underneath him again. I get this. But he needs to trust that I love him, too and that I am in this for the long haul. He says from time to time, when I tell him I love him, "you just think you do" or he'll say, "Why?" or "Prove it." I don't know how else to reassure him that I do love him. He has been spending a lot of time driving me around, looking at houses and asking me what kind I like, and he's asked me of all the places we've traveled to this summer, which one could I see myself living in. He asked me this weekend if I was planning on working another year in Bangor, after my contract is up, or if I am moving downstate. I told him that I was going to give it until about February and see where I am and the progress I've made at the center. I know I want to be elsewhere, geographically speaking, but I do love my job and I'm comfortable for even another year. I said that I was planning on testing the job market waters in February or March and if I land a great teaching job somewhere that I want to be living, I might plan on moving in August, but I'm not leaving the state without him and I'm not giving him up.

Anyway, I am tired of thinking about it. I don't know how he can do it obsessively like he does. It is exhausting. All I know is I love him and I plan on loving him for a very long time.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: something good to clean my room to

Long Days

Yesterday was a long day. Worked in the office 8-10ish...then went home to work on my house, picked up the kids from school and band and then headed back to work at the center 3:30-8:30. Talked to Brian for a little while on the phone and then went to bed. I was sleeping SO good and then I got a phone call at 4 AM from Allison, the volunteer that works over at the center. She is in the hospital with some medical problems and after the phone call with her, I couldn't fall back to sleep. I was planning on just resting until about 6 to get up and get ready for work. I ended up eventually falling back to sleep and waking up at 6:45! SOOOOO, I was a half hour late to work and it is now 10 AM. This morning has flown by. I have a list of things I need to accomplish today, so I had better get at it!

Thankfully, I can work from Brian's office this weekend and get some paperwork done. We have a charity bike/atv thing to go to for most of the day tomorrow. Next weekend I am going up to help him stack wood for his sister and brother-in-law. His sister just had major back surgery and her husband Matt can't do it all himself, so Brian said he'd help and he volunteered me too! :) That is fine, since that would be the only way I could see him next weekend.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Rooms On Fire.......Stevie Nicks

Maybe

Maybe I'll get around to:

*posting some pics of the BBQ and our first week open

*actually burning the music that I have downloaded on my laptop

*windexing the windows

*cleaning the stove, refrigerator and freezer


I have a couple of hours off this afternoon because I work tonight at the center 3PM until 8:30 PM. I'm trying to cram in some laundry because Zach and I are headed up north for the weekend. I'll be with Brian and Zach will be at his grandparent's house, who happen to live in the same town. The girls want to stick around here this weekend for Riverfest (the parade, homecoming, the street dance, etc.). That is fine. Their transportation will be their dad's problem. I've swept and mopped the kitchen, hallway, stairs and bathroom. After this little break of mine, I will be cleaning up the living room real quick. Sunday night, I will be attacking my bedroom and getting that all reorganized. I need to go thru my closet because I seem to be missing some of my clothes, plus I want to weed thru them all and make a list of some new items I need.

There was a terrible car accident in our town yesterday. A 16 and 17 year old were killed after backing out into the path of a loaded cement truck. The boy died on the scene and the girl died later at the hospital. She was the driver and had only had her license for 3 weeks. In Maine, there is a law that says that if you are under the age of 18, you need to have had your license for 6 months before you are allowed to have passengers in the car. This excludes siblings and family members. The point of the law is decrease the distraction the driver has to deal with, with a loaded car full of friends. They both went to high school with my daughter, although she didn't really know either of them. Kayla applies for her permit pretty soon. After hearing about the accident, my first thought was NO WAY is she driving. I've settled down. She is responsible. When she gets her permit, she will be driving with me constantly so she gets the needed experience she needs. She will wait the 6 months before driving her friends. Her time picking up my other two from school or band will be on a limited basis. What I found most chilling was the thought of going off to work, saying goodbye to my kids, knowing that they're going to school with Kayla in her car and having a terrible accident on the way. I could potentially lose all three at once. That is also an awful lot of responsibility on a new driver as well, so my expectations that Kayla as a second driver to help me out with our busy schedules have been re-evaluated. I would rather deal with the stress of the scheduling conflicts than have to deal with losing one or more of my kids. And yes I know, accidents can and do happen to anyone, even me, but there is something to be said for experience behind the wheel. I also know I can't keep them in a safety bubble forever. This is all where faith and prayers come in, and my prayers go out to the families of these kids.

Okay, breaks over. This was way longer than I intended! :)

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Take My Pride.......Jeremy Camp

Long Day

Conference today in Freeport. Left home at 7 AM and returned home 5 PM. We finished up an hour early there, so that was good. I had planned on doing some shopping while in Freeport, but by the end of the day, I just wanted to be on the road for home. Plus I can't walk far without coughing up a lung.

I'm taking the kids out to supper tonight and then the movies. I get .34 cents per mile everytime I have to travel for a conference and todays round trip equaled 262 miles. That is $89.08. Not too bad for a days work. Plus I get paid for today anyway. My next conference is in October.

Tomorrow night is our first night at the center. We open the doors at 3:30! I can't wait! We are having our game/movie night. Thursday, we'll be open 3:30 until 8:30 PM and will be our usual children's program with snack and teen's program with supper. Things finally feel like they are all coming together at work.

Well, gotta take my kids out to supper.

Current Mood: tired and happy...still coughing, though
Current Music: Barracuda........Heart

Asthmatic Bronchitis

This what I was diagnosed with today. I am now on antibiotics and prednisone AGAIN. I also have a sinus infection. It should be a few days before the meds kick in full force.

Tomorrow I have to be on the road to Freeport by 7:15. My conference lasts 9-4, then I get to turn around and drive home. Fun, Fun!!!

I had a good day at work but got not a thing accomplished. But I did make it to the doctors, then lunch, then my office and chatted with Brian for a bit, then back to the big office and talked with Claire, Iona and Allison until it was time to go home. All four of us have been in abusive relationships and after talking it seems like we were all dating or married to the same man!

I'm not looking forward to the 4 hours on the road tomorrow. Brian loves that kind of thing and is on the road a lot during the week. Gas prices are finally lowering and I got my first mileage check in the mail. The good thing about working for the government is that I get reimbersed 30 cents per mile I put on my car going to and from work. I get the maximum amount which equals $34 a month. Nothing outstanding but it is one tank of gas per month.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Werewolves in London........Warren Zevon

Weekend Wrap-up

I didn't do much yesterday. Cleaned and ran a few errands and then took a nap. Read a little while and talked to Brian. I still wasn't feeling well as of last night. I took some more Nyquil around 10:30 PM and woke up feeling human again. The kids want to go to the movies today. I'm dying to see The Exorcism of Emily Rose. It will probably be stupid, but that is part of the horror genre charm.

I can finally taste and smell again. I couldn't do either yesterday. Talk about depressing! Those are two senses that I would hate to lose for any length of time. It is no fun eating when you can't taste a damn thing.

I ran into a old friend of mine at the grocery store today. We were friends in the 7th and 8th grade. Still sort of friends in the 9th, but by our sophomore year, we moved in different circles in high school. I became a party girl and she was intent on becoming a doctor. We caught up briefly. She is a doctor. Married and has an infant. I think I surprised her when I told her that I was a teacher. I don't think she thought I would get my shit together. As I recall, that was a big problem with us as friends. I will admit when we were best friends, I was getting all A's because that is all we ever did was study and do homework. I had a bit of a wild side that was just aching to get out so when we got to high school, she did the studying thing and I found a group that liked to shop and liked boys and music. We really did try to stay friends our first year of high school as we were still in all of the same classes. We finally got in a big blow out because she thought I should study more and hang out less with my other friends and I think I said something about taking the stick out of her ass and just have fun once and awhile. I was observing her in the grocery store and she would get this pained look on her face whenever she had to talk to someone who wasn't in her social circle. I could tell the stick was still firmly in place. Oh well, our 20th reunion should be interesting. She looks about 40 now.

Current Mood: feeling better
Current Music: my Practical Magic soundtrack

Nyquil

Brian insisted I take Nyquil last night to help me sleep and ease my cold symptoms. It worked okay. I slept pretty well. I woke up a few times during the night and felt kind of weird. I'd wake up and know I was awake but I certainly was not lucid. I was definitely suffering from fuzzy brain syndrome. I have been up since 7. Zach was awake too and he looks at me and says, "So much for sleeping in!" We went to Ampersand's and had our drinks and played some chess. I beat him. Then I went to the post office and picked up the house a little. I'm ready for a nap now. I think I'll make my bed, put my jammies back on, read for a little while and pop in a movie. I want to go to Border's and the movies but I think the kids and I'll do that tomorrow. I am not motivated to do a darn thing today.

The BBQ was a success. I'm glad it is over. I had been up since 3:30 AM Friday morning, stressing about the whole thing. Things came together nicely and I am pleased with how things went overall. My boss was impressed by the success of the bbq and already has a party lined up for our next event. I told her I was retiring from the party planning business and she looked at me and said, "NONSENSE! This is great!"

Brian came down to help. It was an eyeopening experience for him. I don't know exactly what he thought it would be like. This is homeless transitional housing. These are families that you pass on the street with signs around their neck looking for money for some food or a place to sleep. These are families that you pass by and think, "Get a job." Funny how you can't say that to them when they are looking you in the face and their kids run up to you with tons of hugs and kisses because they get to have a fun bbq, with hamburgers and hotdogs and desserts and get to spend an hour or two sitting outside with their family watching the kids play. Next weekend, I'm going to be in Presque Isle with him. I have a conference in Freeport on Tuesday. Then headed up to P.I. after work on Friday. Lots of driving next week.

I found out today that a friend of mine from high school has been diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. She and her husband have 4 kids. She will be 33 next month and has asked her physicians not to tell her how much time she has left. The breast cancer has spread to her spine, pelvis and other areas. Working where I work, and hearing about Sonya, has made me more grateful than ever to have the family I have and to have been able to enjoy my kids for as long as I have. Sonya's oldest is an 8 year old girl. She won't see her grow up, she won't see her get married, she won't know her grandkids. My oldest is almost 16. I am very lucky that I've had the years that I've had. She is almost grown. I know what she will look like when she is grown. Chances are good I'll see her get married and will have a lot of years to spend with my own grandchildren.

Anyway, I took some pics of the bbq and I'll post them when I get a chance.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: She Talks to Angels.......The Black Crows

You know I don't feel well when I actually take cold medication. I can't remember the last time I took it because I really don't like the side effects. I'm feelin' better now, boys and girls! :) Everything on my to do list is now done. I had quite a long list today and I'm very pleased with myself. Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me for a great turn out for the bbq and pray for no rain showers 4:30-6:30 PM tomorrow.

Zach's trumpet is now fixed. Looks almost as good as new and definitely sounds like it is supposed to once again.

I'll hopefully get a chance to take some pics this weekend. I have a conference in Freeport all day Tuesday. That is about it.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Take a Picture........Filter

Working from Home

I finished everything that I wanted to at the center before my lunch break, so I called Iona (the secretary) and let her know that I would be continuing my day from the comfort of my own home and that I could be reached there. I need to make hor d'ourves for the Advisory Board meeting and pasta salad for the BBQ after. Plus I need to bake some cookies and a rotini salad for both. I can just as easily do that from home as I could at the center. While things are cooking, at least while I am at home, I can pick up around here, too! The kids will be home soon and they can help with some odds and ends around here. I have a very busy day tomorrow. Start out at the center, getting things ready, take my lunch break and run home to pick my kids up and take them back to work with me. They'll have to play outside while I am in the board meeting, and then when Brian gets there, he can keep them busy for me. I'm glad all the people that I love most, Brian and my kids, will be there at the bbq.

Speaking of Brian. I finally got a hold of him this morning. I was starting to get very worried because his procedure was supposed to be done by 10 and he still wasn't answering his cell phone or the office phone by 11:30! Finally, he groggily answered and said that he was just leaving the hospital and that things there were running late. He is sore but nothing is seriously wrong with him. I gave him orders to take a nap on the couch in the office and I'll call him later today to check on him and wake him up so he can write up the 3 reports that need to be written before he heads back here tomorrow. I miss him like crazy and wish I was there with him right now.

Alas, my break is over. I have to take some things out of the oven and plan for dinner tonight. We are having baked pork chops with potatoes and baby carrots.

Current Mood: relieved Brian is okay
Current Music: Big Love.........Fleetwood Mac

Quiet

Things are quiet over here at the center. Just what I need right now. I have some incense burning and I'm having a zen moment, or trying to, before I embark on vacuuming and dusting that needs to be done before the board meeting tomorrow. I am praying that people show up for the bbq. It is one of those things where you just don't know what to expect. I could be over prepared and have just 8 or 9 people show up and I could be under-prepared and have all 120+ residents and all the staff and board members show up! I'm aiming for somewhere in the middle. We are convienently located across the street from the grocery store, so if more people show up, more food will be bought! I really hope we have a good turn out. I've heard that events like this have been planned and hardly nobody showed up, so part of my reason that I want a success is to just show people that I am different.

Brian had a procedure done this morning. I know he was very nervous and I'd have liked to have been up there today to just be with him, but Claire is out of the office today and tomorrow, and with the big meeting and BBQ after, we just can't have two major players out of the office. Brian is definitely on my mind though and I'll be calling him at 10:30 to check on him and if he needs me, I'm saying screw it and I'm driving up there. I told him to call if he needed me.

Anyway, I'm just procrastinating right now. Putting off the inevitable work that needs to be done. After my day, I get to go home and clean MY house! :)

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet.....Bachman Turner Overdrive

Two More Days

Two more days until the bbq. Tomorrow I will be cooking and getting things ready. I have a hair appointment, too. Friday is the big day. I will have lots to do on Friday.

Long Day

A long day at work today. Some days I swear it is like watching an episode of Cops on tv! So after my incredibly long day at work, two of my kids went grocery shopping with me. You wouldn't believe the stuff that made its way into the cart without me knowing about it until checking out. $153 later and a trip back in to buy the dog food that I went there for to begin with, I am now sitting at home. The kids wanted tacos tonight. Shepard's Pie tomorrow night. Chicken and dumplings on Thursday night, Friday night is the BBQ, and Saturday will be either take out or some kind of pasta alfredo. Roasted chicken on Sunday. Monday night will be baked pork chops, potatoes and baby carrots. That will be the whole menu for the week. The rest of the food was just snack stuff for me and the kids.

Oh well, I have a huge headache. Time for supper.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Paradise City....Guns n Roses

BBQ On

I've made the executive decision to go ahead with the BBQ as planned. Looks like there may be a chance of showers early, but nothing major. Now I need to find me a big grill.

I had a super time at Jessy's house last night. The scrapbooking party was so much fun! It was nice to catch up with Jessy, Erica and Julie. I did a whole page with my preschoolers. It came out so cute. On the other side, I have the cutest pic of Emily. Jessy is having another party in two weeks. This one is some kind of home interior party. I've already checked out the catalog. I'm having a scrapbooking party here at the center in a month or two and was thinking of starting some kind of scrap club that meets here once or twice a month. I know some of the employees that work for the city would love it and I think some of the residential women would like it. We have had yoga classes meet here and they were a big hit and we've had this knitting club that Claire calls Stitch 'n Bitch. Kind of gives the ladies a forum to share patterns and vent at the same time.

This cold I have is seriously kicking my ass. It started out as yet another sinus infection and moved quickly to my lungs. I am coughing up quite a bit of a disgusting amount of phlegm. Jessy has pneumonia. I don't think mine will get that bad, but I've had to start using my inhaler again just so my coughing will subside.

Last night, Hayley had her teen church group. She didn't get home until about 9:30 PM. Kayla went with me to Jessy's because she is the scrapper in the family. I bought her some nice handy tools to add to her collection. Zach had to fend for himself for about an hour and a half. He is 11. When Kayla and I had gotten home, he had made supper. He boiled some rotini and opened a jar of spaghetti sauce and browned up some hamburger to mix in. Not too shabby for an 11 year old. Plus he was all proud of himself when we got in the door. He was like, Supper is in the kitchen. Go help yourself. I had just settled myself in to enjoy a nice plate of Zach's delicious concoction, feeling quite smug that I have three of the most well-behaved and responsible children in the universe, when my oldest comes down the stairs in tears.

So I said, "Kayla, what is wrong?"
Kayla: Nothing.
Me: Why are you crying?
Kayla: I'm not.
Me: Okay, well, if you aren't going to tell me, take your not-crying self upstairs because your not-crying is making it hard for me to enjoy my supper.
Kayla: Okay, okay, this morning before school Shannon and I went to the store to get a slushie and by the time we got back we had missed the late bell, so we just decided to skip school. I came home and checked the messages and the school never called, so I knew I was out of the woods. But you were so nice tonight buying me all of that scrapbooking stuff and I know that you've been short on cash starting this new job and I just can't take the guilt anymore! I can't lie to you and I'm starting to get really sick of that!

I just started laughing and grounded her. I let her know that skipping school is a serious infraction. I was laughing because not one of my kids is very good at being dishonest. So even when they are misbehaving, I still feel kind of good that they have well developed consciences and will grow up into nice adults. It is just so damn funny watching the torture that they've put themselves through, waiting until the truth comes out. They are way more hard on themselves than I am. Groundation is rather anti-climatic after what they've put themsevles through.

I Hate Mondays!

I can't believe it is almost 11 AM already. This morning has sped by. Looks like the newest hurricane is headed our direction and we'll get the remnants of it on Friday. Driving rain and 65 mile an hour winds. SOOOOO, this postpones our BBQ, but that is actually okay. We're still having the advisory board meeting and that is top priority and we are still scheduled to open the next Wednesday.

I have a meeting at the police department. I am giving them a copy of our new schedule so they can patrol the area when we are leaving at night. I know this will make me feel safer, as well as our volunteers.

Tonight, I am going to Jessy's house. She is having some kind of scrapbooking party. I haven't seen her since I left the job at Itty Bitty. It will be good to see everyone. I ran into Paula Kull at my eyedoctor's. Her husband is my eye doctor and their daughter is a student at Itty Bitty, and she is planning on going to Jessy's, too. This should be fun. I'm not really feeling up to socializing tonight, but it will do me good to get out. This whole summer, I have spent socializing with Brian in tow. I am not complaining, but I need to get back into doing my own thing, too! :)

Now, I have a bunch of phone calls to make.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: my Godsword CD

September 11, 2005

Does anyone else feel weird when they write this date?

So much for laying low this weekend! Brian came down Friday night and we went to the new Texas Roadhouse Restaurant. Brian liked it, I thought it was okay. Last night we went to eat at the Whig & Currier, but I wasn't impressed with the menu, so we left and ate at the Bear Brew instead. Saturday, we ran a bunch of errands and Brian helped me at the center putting curtains up and hanging blinds. Today we and about 16,000 other bikers did the annual toy run. We bought a big stuffed Mickey and a big stuffed Minnie and strapped them to the back of the bike and drove to Augusta to drop off the toys. It was a lot of fun, but I am glad to be home. I am exhausted. We did sleep in a little Saturday morning, which we haven't done in WEEKS, but we had also been up until 1:30 AM doing grown-up stuff, so we still probably only got 7-8 hours in.

My big BBQ/Open House at the center is this Friday. I am nervous because the Advisory Board meeting is at the center at 2:30 and they are all invited to stay and join us at the BBQ. Brian is coming down to help with the grilling. Paul's football season officially starts next week. They've only had scrimmages so far, and the first game is next Sunday, soooooo that means any long weekends with Brian down here will be out for awhile. If I want to spend the whole weekend with him, I'll have to head up to P.I.

I am so tired. I need a nap but I am worried about what will happen if I take one this late in the game.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Sister Christian.........Night Ranger

Politics?

Who would have thought the education/government/political sector would interest me. I have been having a hard time deciding which direction I wanted my grad work to head and I knew it would be in education, but now I am definitely leaning towards the Department of Education, working behind the scenes, making changes in law. I also want to emphasize my grad work on poverty and education and the effects of each on each other.

In other news, Zach has his first Middle School dance tonight. I'm having a ball tutoring Kayla in Spanish. I have seven years (3 in high school and 4 in college) under my belt and helping her is helping me. The older I get, the harder it is to retain a lot of it so this has been fun. Hayley and I are working every night on her reading assignments. This job has been good, because as much as I loved and miss the daycare, I am not physically or mentally drained when I get home, so I can be a mom again. This present job is lots of writing, planning, scheduling and lots and lots of meetings. None of that is terribly tedious or difficult.

I think I am staying home this weekend. Brian may come down, but I really want to clean my house and work at the center a little this weekend.

Current Mood: ready for the weekend
Current Musis: Only for the Week..........Avalon

Passage of Time

These first few weeks at my new job have flown right by! I truly love my job! I love helping people, especially kids, and I get to do this every day. The clients I have met are literally at their rock bottom and it pleases me to offer them a glimmer of hope. There isn't much we can do when someone comes to us. The waiting list for homeless housing is 3-5 months. Section 8 subsidy has a 2 year waiting list. Rents are going up because of the skyrocketing heating fuel costs. I've had so many families come in the last few days saying they are living in tents and in campers. This is okay now, but what are they to do when the cold weather hits? These are families that have just fallen on hard times. Nobody is addicted to drugs or alcohol. How many of us are just a paycheck or two away from this ourselves? I've got to say though, that I have seen first hand what a smile and a compassionate ear can do. This has definitely given me a first hand look at poverty, government funding, burned out DHS workers and the importance of being one's own advocate.

So much needs to be done, as far as welfare reform, and my heart goes out to the families that have truly fallen on hard times and to the offspring of some individuals whose only interest in them is as a dependent for welfare benefits. But thought needs to be given to this expectation that the government is there to fall back on. Welfare has not always been in existence, neither is it common in other countries. Why are there some people that are constantly standing there with their hands in the cookie jar? The fact is this: our government, faulty that it might be, is the greatest in the world and we should be grateful for the help that is given. However, people are going to have a huge wake-up call one of these days when the government's back breaks. Sadly, Bangor only has 140 housing units for homeless housing. This is not considered emergency shelter because of the 3-5 month wait and the units are FULL. There is no emergency housing. There are limited, if any, in emergency funds. We need to all face the reality that the welfare system is a false safety net. Those few people that might be grandfathered in might be still in a position to abuse the system, but I assure anyone that getting benefits at this present time is a lengthy, demeaning and heart wrenching process. I urge anyone that is in any kind of position to help, don't bitch about taxes or about the faults of the government. The bottom line is this, the battle between the conservatives and the liberals about whose fault our present situation is, is NOT solving any problems. Get off your asses and volunteer some time at a soup kitchen or at an afterschool program or at a battered women's shelter. And for the people that are receiving benefits and maybe shouldn't be, my message to them is simple. Quit your whining, bust your ass and provide for your family. If you have a strong back and a healthy mind then make things happen for yourself.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox. This has been the most valuable experience I have ever had in my life. My favorite quote has always been "Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Ghandi.

Current Mood: pensive, but very happy
Current Music: Heat of the Moment........ASIA

Early

It is early in the office for me today. I leave at 10:30 for an appointment with my eye doctor. Then lunch from 12:15-1:15...so pretty much the whole morning will fly right by. I am covering the phones while Iona is on vacation. I can just as easily work out of her office as I can mine. Easier, in fact, because my phone line isn't supposed to be hooked up until some time this morning.

September 6. 2005

The day flew by today. I went to lunch with Allison. That was nice. I got a lot accomplished today. I had a meeting with Sally and Kyra and I think it went really well. I am very positive with how things are going. I'm really excited about the upcoming year and so is Kyra, so we kind of fed off of each other's enthusiasm, which fed into Sally's, sooooo I'm now very PUMPED!!!

This long weekend with Brian was very rejuvenating for me. He is feeling very tired, but it definitely energized me!

The weather is going to be beautiful for the next two weeks. Sunny and 70's and 80's. My period is over. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I love my job. I love my boyfried. Life is GOOD!!!

Current Mood: in love
Current Music: Jukebox Hero..........Foreigner

1200 Miles!!!

Brian and I just got back from a long bike weekend. We rode over 1200 miles. We had no plan and no specific destination. Just 3 1/2 days to kill. Our mission was to stay off of the interstate until the last leg of the journey (returning home). We headed thru New Hampshire and visited the White Mountains and then on to Vermont and the Green Mountains and then the most beautiful part of all was the entire day spend in upstate New York in the Adirondack mountains, where we spent the day at Lake Champlain and Lake George. We took the ferry across Lake Champlain. This lake is 125 miles long, I think and borders New York, Vermont and Montreal. We drove the bike right on the boat and went from Vermont to Essex, NY. The Adirondacks are breathtaking!!! We stayed at the Ramada in Glens Falls, NY. The next day, we continued on to Mass and went to the Blamford (?) Fair. It was a smalltown fair and Brian and I thought it would be fun to stretch our legs and walk around. $7 a person to get in!!! :) Only kid rides, too. They don't do fairs like Maine does fairs! But it was fun...think of 'Joe Dirt' and the carnival scene. Brian kept saying, "You're my sister!" to me after...if you've never seen Joe Dirt, you'll not get that reference. Then we drove down to Mystic, CT and walked around there. I think Mystic is one of my most favorite places on earth. Plus, Brian got to see Mystic Pizza, which is the now famous pizza joint in Mystic, where Julia Roberts debuted in her first movie titled Mystic Pizza! Then we booked it up Route 1 to Providence, Rhode Island. Providence is a city of about 2 million people. I love it. It is smaller than Boston, but bigger than Portland (Maine). Brian hated it. Well, not really hated it, but he never travels on I-95 North or South so he wasn't prepared for the 6 lanes of very fast traffic thru Providence. We'd been driving all day on the bike and this was about 8 PM at night so he was a little more tense than he might have been otherwise. So we spent the night at a hotel there and we got in a 15 minute argument, but then kissed and made up. We had a lovely dinner down in the restaurant. We were going to have room service, but the previous night, we'd had room service, and I felt like we really needed to get OUT of the hotel room for a meal. In light of the 1200 miles we traveled on a motorcycle, on our BUTTS, I'm pleased to report that we only had that one 15 minute tiff. We talked about it at dinner that night and again this morning and I think that says a lot about us. Not many couples can spend 24 hours a day for the duration of a vacation together and not have a spat or two.

The best part of today was riding through Concord, Mass, which is where Walden Pond is. We drove right by it without even planning on it. It was very, very cool! I am a big Thoreau fan, although our biking trips seem to be more Kerouac-esque.

That was the long story. The short story? 1200 miles, 7 states, 3 1/2 days and we still love each other!

Current Mood: exhausted, happy, relaxed and missing Brian, all rolled into one.
Current Music: Little Moments..............Brad Paisley (this is Brian's song to me)

September 1, 2005

- Zach is puking. :(
- Sarah called me at work today! :)
- My mother will watch Zach this weekend so Brian and I can still get away. :)
- Zach is now sleeping and he is feeling a lot better.
- The girls didn't have the house picked up when I got home.
- They will do it when they get back from taking a walk to the store.
- My period finally started today!!!
- I got a ton of work done today and have lots of emails from Augusta to wade thru.
- They still haven't found the woman who was sleeping under the tarp. Apparently she has a child with her.