Brian Playing Dress Up

Brian Playing Dress Up
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

What is not to love? Any man who will wear a tutu and bonnet and look adorable doing it, is the man for me! Brian was at his friends house (Dalton and Peggy) and this is their niece. They are pretty cute!!!

Spit Balls

I took the kids to Wendy's for supper tonight. We had a great time. All the kids are home now after enjoying their February vacation in different parts of the state. My son unfortunately saved his straw and is nailing the girls (great aim, by the way) with spitballs. He got Shannon on the side of the head. He got one in Kayla's frosty. It's all fun and games until he hits me! :)

Well, I am weeding out my closet. I have about 15 pairs of jeans that I am throwing away because they are too big for me. I've hung on to them as long as I could, thinking this weight loss might be temporary. But I had to buy new jeans that fit me and alas, I have no more room in my dressers and closets. I even have to buy new bras. This is not easy. Cup size I am still a strong D, however, I used to be a 34-36 around my rib cage depending on the brand of bra, and now I am a 32 D...does anyone know how impossible this size is to find? It used to be that 34 D was difficult to find, but thanks to Pamela Anderson, she has become a popular implant size and consequently manufacturers are meeting the demand.

Last night was the first time I have seen Brian since November and he has lost so much weight. He is thinner than when I met him a year and a half ago. As soon as he saw me, and got me alone, he said "We have to do something about this weightloss of yours." He asked when I weighed myself last and I explained that I have stopped doing that because it just increases my anxiety about the weightloss. Obviously, the doctors will know at my next appointment and I can obviously tell I've lost more because the last jeans I went shopping for are now getting too big. I think I am getting the disappearing butt disease. I LOVED my ass. And I loved how my ass looked in jeans. Now, every pair of jeans I buy, to get them to fit so they don't fall off my hips, leaves a saggy place in my jeans, where my ass used to be.

Current Music: The Dance CD...Fleetwood Mac
Current Mood: very happy and scared about Brian and I being back together

I Love Brian

We had the most perfect evening we've ever had together last night.
The drive up and back was relatively uneventful. I'm glad to have Zach home at last! I've missed my baby!

Headed to Presque Isle

I'm headed to P.I. tomorrow. I wasn't going up until Sunday to get Zach, but I talked to Jessica tonight and she has the weekend off. Plus, today Brian asked if I was coming up tomorrow. I think he has snowmobiling plans with Cassie but he said they'd be back early (after lunch)...soooooo, I'm going shopping tonite. Sleeping in tomorrow and then headed up to hang out with my gang at the Tiki! :) Good Times!!!

Updated Update

Long day at work. Party at my mom's for Kayla's birthday. I talked with Brian for a little while tonite and I think I am going to bed. I'll read a little while.

Current Mood: Still tired

Current Music: Dancing in the Moonlight

Update

I talked with Brian last night for 4 hours. We laughed, we cried. He loves me. For today, this is enough. We don't know the whys or the hows, but right now this is all we can handle.

Current Mood: very tired...it is early and I have to work 7:30-4:30 today.
Current Music: Feels Like the First Time...Foreigner

Taco Bell...Ever feel like you are being watched?

Okay...so we are the only people in Taco Bell and I place our order.


Taco Bell Guy: Your order number is 245.
Me: Thank you
(Minutes go by, conversation ensues, I forget my number)
Taco Bell Guy: Order 245...Order 245
(He continues to look around an obviously empty dining room)

I look around. We are still the only people in Taco Bell. I can't remember my number.
Taco Bell Guy continues to repeat "Order 245"...

I approach the counter.
Me: I think that is us.
TBG: Are you order 245?
Me: I forgot my number, but we are the only people that have been in here.
TBG: The number is in case we get busy.
Me: Right, well, I am pretty sure this is our order.

I stand back waiting for Candid Camera to come out any moment.

Growing Old

What a bizarre few days. Very nostalgic, going through old things (letters, cards, notes, announcements, etc.), vivid dreams of Brian and just coming across videos and old correspondence. For instance, I haven't been able to find one of my home videos and it suddenly just "turned up" one day, under my new t.v, in my newer t.v. stand, in my new bedroom. HUH! Anyway, Kayla's 15th birthday is tomorrow. So after watching the "Baby Zach" movie, that I had thought was lost, I was inspired to watch the "Baby Kayla" movie, which spurred me to watch my aunt's wedding which took place when I was 14. So many family members are dead now and my own children have literally grown up right before my very eyes. I went through some papers today and found a bag of my things I had in my teenage room at home. Old love notes, movie stubs, concert tix, etc. then I found birthday cards from my parents the last year they were still married...signed Love, Mom AND Dad...then a special birthday card from my dad, who I haven't seen in 4 years this September. Lots of I Love You cards from the girls' dad to me. A card signed by my now dead grandfather. 15 years ago, I was a different girl. A whole lifetime has happened since then.
The dream of Brian was very weird. It was like he was right there. I hate dreams like that because you wake up really happy that things are normal and none of the bad stuff has ever happened and that lasts for like 2 seconds and then you remember it all again. It comes rushing in and almost feels as bad. It can ruin a whole day for me. I was very sad at work and got teary-eyed a few times, thinking about him, thinking about my kids when they were little and missing my dad very much, so when Jessy offered to let one of us go home early, I jumped at the chance. Wouldn't you know, after not hearing from Brian since Valentine's Day, he would instant message me last night AFTER I went to bed. I got it this afternoon, when I went online. We caught up and then he said," One of the things I love the most about you is your unwillingness to give up. Don't ever change that." Then he asked if I was going to let him help me move, when the time comes and then said we could talk tonight.
All I can say, that dream really depressed me this afternoon and I am so tired of talking to Brian and getting hopeful that he has worked things out. This weekend was nice and I wasn't concerned with him at all. I spent the weekend not missing Brian, enjoying the euphoria of not missing him, asking myself if maybe I wasn't as in love with him as I thought. I think that is why those dreams last night kind of shook things up today. He is always saying he just needs time to figure stuff out and really that is what I need. I don't see how talking to him tonight is going to be of any help to me. We've talked the relationship to its death. I love him. He loves me. But that isn't enough, I guess. It isn't enough for him. I have way too much to do in the upcoming weeks and months and I don't need to waste time obsessing about why Brian and I are not working. Thankfully, that is what my blog is proving to be for. An outlet for my sometimes needless obsessing and a place for me to refine my hopes and dreams.

Clarification and Work Woes

For the record, I was never implying in my email to God, that anyone with any kind of confliction is less worthy of love. Of course a parent will love their child no matter what that child may look like. My point was, people spend a LOT of money in this culture fixing teeth and eyes...those were two traits that popped to mind when I was writing that piece...not to mention, this opens up a whole other can of worms being that only those that can AFFORD to fix those things, actually DO fix those things, and the ones that can't, save up for it, or spend their lives being ridiculed and carrying around excess baggage because of the horrors of being exposed to public schools.

ANYWAY...this has been a long week at work. Still love my job, but it's been long hours and things have been hit or miss with Caitlyn and Katie this week. My long, three day weekend was nice, though. I needed the break. I had a nice weekend. Went shopping, went out to eat a few times, went shopping for new furniture, etc.

Jim emailed...the Bucksport gig is starting up. There aren't enough hours in the day sometimes. I'd rather be busy though. It keeps me out of depression-mode.

Summer will be here soon. I think my 15 year old daughter has talked me into letting her get her tongue pierced for her birthday. She got her belly button done two years ago.

Work is Hell on Earth

Today was hell at work. Katie and Caitlyn were MONSTERS!!! I can't reiterate that enough. There is not enough alcohol in the world, I am afraid, to make the scars of today go away! But I'll have fun trying!!! :)

And psycho mother of 13 month old that got scratched yesterday pulled her out of Jessy's room. Jessy called work tonite and blamed it all on Jade. Not entirely professional.

Hayley said AJ called tonite while I was driving home from work.

Well, I got to go get beautiful. Going out to dinner tonite.

A Few Things I am going to ask God

One of the first things I am going to ask God, when I meet Him one day, assuming I am going to meet Him one day is Why all the differences?

I mean, skin color, hair color, eye color, body shapes and sizes, I understand that. Variety is the spice of life...Agreed!

However, there are certain parts that we all have, such as teeth, eyes, feet, noses, etc that a little conformality could be a nice thing...Now why can't everyone's teeth fit in their mouths and be straight? Personally, I never tire of gazing at sparking white straight teeth. And eyes...what is wrong with having them pointed in the right direction? What important lesson are these people learning for Heaven? I have never said, you know, I am tired of guys whose eyes are looking right at mine. I need to find me a googly-eye man. And feet...the same size would be nice. I am sure in some cultures this is a gift from You. My point is, the human eye, by nature, is designed to seek out symetrically appealing faces...and You, the Creator of Design should have seen this as a little snafu on Your part in regards to our Heavenly design. Yes, I know, our earthly bodies will be of no use to us in Heaven, but for the time being, throw us a bone! Not to be critical. I know you read blogs in Your spare time!

Bar scene

While doing my apartment/house hunting online today, a pop-up ad came on about finding/dating singles in the Portland area because we all know this IS the most important thing next to finding a job and a place to sleep! So I thought about it for two seconds and then thought, You know what? Single men with lots of baggage have NO trouble at all finding me, so I really don't have to seek this out. I'll just leave my forwarding address. Trouble will be sure to find me wherever I end up. Maybe there is something wrong with my technique.

Bar Scene/Coffee Shop/Bookstore/What Have You

I walk in and make eye contact with a few people.
I am disappointed with my choices of which I can select.
I sit with friends, intent on seeing my future in the Jack Daniels ice and coke configuration in my glass.
Suddenly I am approached.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Me: Sure, why not.

We proceed to the dance floor.
If he's cute, this is how this will play out.

Man: Can I call you sometime?
Me: Depends...do you have an ex-wife? ex-girlfriend? How long have you been single? Are you married now? Are you living with a woman? Do you just want sex? Do you just want to go to dinner? Are you new to the area and want to make friends? For that matter, DO YOU EVEN LIVE IN THIS AREA? Do you believe in God? Do you go to church? Do you like independent women? What are your thoughts on barefeet and pregnancy? Are you conservative? Do you hug trees? What is your generation? Have you ever been arrested? That doesn't necessarily rule you out, btw. Am I fat? If you could have any woman in this room, would you still be dancing with me?

Man: So can I call you?
Me: Sure, why not.

And you think I can make this shit up???

The Horror of Relocating

Okay, so I have been seriously planning the BIG MOVE. Having finished my ESL certification, I can now go anywhere in the world. Today I checked out jobsites in Korea, Japan, China, Honolulu, Texas, and Memphis, TN. I have applied and will continue to apply to jobs in the southern Maine area. I also checked out apartments and house/condo rentals in the Portland area. I found a nice one in Portland, 3-4 bedrooms, harbor views, hardwood floors, w/d hookup that ALLOWS pets! All for $1200/month. This I can do. I won't like it, but I can do it.

But then I started thinking about what this dog-o-mine is actually costing me, aside from the regular upkeep of food/medicine/vet bills, etc. If I move to Portland or anywhere else for that matter, it'll cost me $600 MORE per month just because I have this 10 year old dog. Too old to be of use to anyone but myself and too young to put to sleep and too much of a pain in the ass to burden a family member with. It would be cheaper to board her, and save myself $600 a month. I realize I have been a bit spoiled, living where I do. I presently pay $400/month plus my own utilities for a 4 bedroom house, with its own yard, parking, etc. and I can have pets. I feel so trapped right now. I just have to keep reminding myself that this will soon be over. I will someday be in a nursing home wondering why I ever gave a damn.

So assuming I land a cushy job and I find an amazing place to live, I will need to get my SHIT to said location. I am planning on renting the biggest U-Haul I can and loading her up. Then I can borrow my Papa's truck and load that up and somehow manage to drive two vehicles at once! I am sure I can find a friend or Kayla will get a crash course in Interstate Driving 101.

Also, which one of my friends has Verizon Internet??? Fess up!

Current Mood: Got my latte fix and anxious about relocating.

Current Music: "Drinking in the Old Port" Bob Marley (the comedien)...He reads this blog (I love you, Bob)...we play this little game where he pretends he doesn't know me when we run into each other on campus, at the Grand, or the Comedy Connection in Portland.

Long Staff Meetings...I need my LATTE!!!

We had a staff meeting at work last night. This would have made a great reality tv show. The meeting started at 5:30, which means I didn't go home since I got out of work at 4:30. It ended at 8 PM. Imagine 6 girls sitting in a 14 X 14 room, airing all complaints and grievances with each other. It went rather well actually. I genuinely like most of the girls that work there. There is only one that rubs me the wrong way. I like her. I respect her. She and I share my students and the kids like me more, so OF COURSE the reason for that is because I am more lax with them, with her being the more authoratative one. It has nothing to do with maybe my technique being better or maybe because having had THREE of my own kids, I might have a little more experience...I am not saying this is the case, nor am I saying I am the better teacher. I understand this might hurt her feelings when a group of 3 and 4 year olds say "Jennifer is our favorite"...don't take it out on me. It isn't like I have some great big plot to sabotage everything she's doing. The kids and I do our thing, and I expect her to do the same. Trust me, there are days when they don't like me either and there are certainly days when I hear, "We like Julie more"...what do I say to that? "GOOD! I do too!" Other than that, this meeting wasn't about me. I do my job, I help others when asked and even when not asked. I love all the kids and I LOVE my job.
That being said, there was a disgruntled parent at work today. Her 13 month old got a tiny scratch on her nose while playing with the other children. Oh the horror! You would have thought, by this parent's reaction, that we sat around and watched a group of 3 year olds hold her down and cut off limbs. I'm trying to be sympathetic. This is their first child, blah, blah, blah but come on! I was not like this with my first. I was not like this with my last, my baby. I find it hard to believe this is the first scratch that she's gotten in the first 13 months of her life. With my own children, if it isn't bleeding or twisted into some weird configuration, I don't want to hear it. And even if there is blood or a body part is hanging limply, they will probably still get the lecture about "this is why we don't DO such and such!" while driving them to the hospital. I am an extremely empathetic and sympathetic person, except when my child pulls his hat down over his eyes and tries to run through the backyard at top speed without hitting anything, only he hit the big maple head on and knocked himself out...I wasn't so sympathetic with that one...but usually I am...I am having trouble in this particular instance, though.
Anyway, I think Allison is mad about my post. I should have forwarned everyone that this is the place where I write what I must. It is a carthartic experience for me. I was joking about her illnesses and for the record, she doesn't work at Grave's Deli anymore...but she is still a lesbian! :) However, in light of what has been going on with her lately, she is having a hard time with getting it when someone is joking with her. So, I'll go easy on her in the future. Or at least until she is better. For some really good reading, read the 10 Things I Hate about my Flatmate blog...too funny.

I need my latte!
Current Mood: In need of Latte
Current Music: messages on my answering machine

I Wish I had a Day Off

I got nine hours of sleep last night. I took the kids to supper last night at Governor's. We ran into Gerry and Elaine and their crew. I forget how much I miss them. Sooooo, I was up by 6:15 AM this morning. It isn't so bad when you go to bed at 8:30 and are asleep by 9. I think we all have these internal body clocks and I am thinking mine runs best when I am on a 9-6 or 10-7 sleep schedule. I am cleaning today. Got my latte this morning. Picked up the living room and have some candles and incense burning and laundry going, which is why I could use the day off. I have a nice momentum going and I don't wish to have to break at 1 to go to work for three hours. The kids will all be at their dad's after school today, so maybe I'll stay in the cleaning mood when I get home for work. I need to stick around the house and definitely spring clean this weekend. Also, I have been seriously slacking about getting my butt to church. My kids and Shannon sat me down last night at Governor's and expressed their wishes that we all return to church this Sunday. The kids said they were going through Ken (our Pastor) withdrawals!!! I may not be the best houseskeeper or even the best mom, but I must be doing something right with these guys. Statistically speaking, they should all be drug and alcohol addicted, pregnant, running away from foster homes, etc. I was 17 when I got pregnant with Kayla. That in itself did not offer good odds for either her or myself. Her dad and I stayed together and we had Hayley. After the split, Kayla and Hayley SHOULD have had problems because their dad and I separated. All I can say is that I love them more than my own life and I tell them a million times a day how much I love them. My kids (all three) still like to cuddle with me, even at their ages, which are 15,13, and 10. They are all well-adjusted, lazy, sometimes spoiled, Jesus-loving teenagers that think their immediate world revolves around them and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Last year at this time, we were in Virginia. I can't really complain about this weather, though. My bank account couldn't handle a super long, super frigid winter this year. Anyway, got to get back to cleaning.

Current Mood: cleaning relaxes me...so relaxed
Current Music: Lifehouse

Taxes, Springtime, ESL

My taxes are all done. Just waiting for my REFUND!
The weather is beautiful, like it was last week, before all that snow. It is melting fast. The robin's are flying around, so that is a good sign and my front lawn is all muddy. Another good sign.

I have my new ESL student. Her name for the purpose of my blog will be *Kim*, which is actually her nickname in this country. She is originially from Korea. She has a daughter in middle school and wants to be able to write better English, "so she can get her deepest thoughts and feelings out"...well, I can help with that! :) She also wants to be able to communicate better with her daughter's school administrators. I can help with that, having two in middle school right now, with one on the way next year. That just blows my mind!!! Kayla will be in high school, Hayley will be in 8th grade and my baby Zach will be in 6th grade next year! There is this new baby at work. Her name is Emily and she looks just like mine did when they were little and smells like them, too. Anyway, she is 5 months old and even though I am the preschool teacher, that first day, Erica couldn't get her to take a nap, so I went in and rocked her and put her to sleep, so now Emily has sort of become mine. When she is having a bad day, the preschoolers and I take her in our room and we play with baby Emily for a little while, and of course, when we all regroup at the end of the day, waiting for parent's, Emily is mine then too. So, my point is, I really want another baby. I miss the whole baby thing. My preschoolers make me miss the whole 3-4 year old stage. I had really neat kids and they were just such good babies and toddlers. Mike and I had such a great time with Zach. We never really went on "dates" much when the girls were with their dad. We could have easily given Zach to my mom for the night, but we just loved having him with us all the time. Mike's leaving has really been hard on Zach. My little guy is a trooper, though. He was very sweet on Valentine's Day. He kissed my cheek and said "Happy Valentine's to my beautiful mommy" before heading up to bed.
The girls were sweet too this Valentine's, but Kayla had just gotten back from the vet's with her cat, who needed surgery for a bad cut she got on her underside. She was jumping on Kayla's shelf and knocked a picture frame over and it broke and the cat landed on it and the vet said she was very lucky the glass didn't hit any major organs, as it impailed her pretty good, and said she was lucky she didn't get her tail cut off...the cut is along where her intestines are, but the glass went in at an angle and only got meat. LOTS of stitches and money later, she is home running around with a cone around her neck and a tube sticking out of the stitched up area for drainage. Chloe goes back in tomorrow to have that taken out and to be checked for infection. Then the stitches will come out in about two weeks. Of course, I was at work when this all happened, so Kayla called her dad. He took her and the cat to the vet and paid for it all, which is a whole other rant that I'll continue later. I don't know why it bothers me so much to accept his help.

SLEEP

I just slept for 14 straight hours! I'm thinking I needed it. I was asleep by 7 PM last night. It has been a hectic last few days and I haven't had a chance to sleep in at all, so it was all catching up to me. Friday morning, I had to open up the school because Jessy was out and the roads were too bad for Erica to come in from Dexter. Zach and I were there by 6:45 AM. The roads were so bad, we closed at 3PM...which is good, because I was scheduled to be there until 5:30. That would have been a long day. I didn't get to bed until 11ish though, and I had class the next morning until 4:30 in the afternoon, BUT my ESL certification is completed, so it was worth it. Then Flint called because Haley needed help with her I-Book and her Holocaust project that was due on Monday, so I went over there after class and brought my I-Book and external CD burner to help her print off her project. He only has a PC and is not familiar with a MAC at all, and I am the only person he knows that has an I-Book. So that took a couple of hours and he kept saying he had something planned for after and for me to hurry up. I was getting ticked off because I was going to all of this trouble to help his daughter and I was so sorry if I was interfering with his love life! That is when he told me that he had wanted to take me to Portland for the night because he knows how much I have been talking about just wanting to get away for a few days. I was like, AWWWW...why didn't you tell me sooner? I'd have been a little faster. Instead we went to dinner and he said he'd take me to Portland in the morning. Which meant, I would not be sleeping in again.
Anyway, I went to bed early last night because I didn't want to take the chance of not being able to sleep in. My little plan worked. I have a doctor's appointment later today because I haven't been peeing much and I'm drinking normal amounts and I've had a lot of back pain by my kidney and so they want to check it out. Although, Sunday during the drive and visit to Portland, I was peeing double duty and had barely had anything to drink!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to ME!

Well, Valentine's wasn't so horrible after all. Flint took me to Freeport and Portland on Sunday. We were going to go Saturday night, but I was helping his daughter Haley with her Holocaust project, so instead we had supper at Smokey Bones and got up early Sunday to head to Freeport. There wasn't much going on there, so we went to Portland. I had a great latte at the Farmer's Market and took him to dinner at Eggspectations. Then we hung out at the Maine Mall and then stopped at the second largest Walmart in Maine (Waterville), where he bought me a cute stuffed animal and a frame for our picture we had done earlier and some chocolates and a movie, two cd's, and a mug with chocolates. Then last night, Eric stopped by with some beautiful roses for me!!! I was expecting him to drop off my white casserole dish, not flowers! It was the sweetest thing ever. I got an email from Brian wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. Second year in a row that he didn't get me flowers on this day, but who is counting. Also, yesterday, my students and I had a big Valentine's party and they all bought me the sweetest cards. Noah bought me a nice candle and a travel coffee mug! I bought them cards and candy bracelets. My nephew Tajin, who is three, sent me a sweet Valentine in the mail too! So all in all, it was a good day.

Today is okay. Ashlee didn't show up at work and never called in. I have been up since 6:30 AM...Flint called last night and said he was taking Matt's car in to have some new tires put on and asked if I would follow him and bring him home after dropping the car off. So I hung out with him for a while and got ready for work and then took him back to pick up the car at noon and headed to work.

So, now I am exhausted and have a date with Zach to go watch Garfield in my bedroom. We are going to bed early. It is 6:15 PM right now and I have to work tomorrow and Zach wants to get up extra early before school to work on his igloo.

DID, PTSD, MPD and Grave's Lesbian Deli Girl...Meet Allison

Allison is a special girl. Her therapist thinks she has DID, PTSD, or MPD...so she's not JUST nuts now...she has something to call it!!!

Do I think she has a split personality disorder? UM, no. Do I think she has posttraumatic stress disorder? UMMMM, no...and MPD is Multiple Personality Disorder for all of you that don't know what it is.

Do I think she is loopy? A little. But I don't think she needs to be on the medicine she is on and I think she probably needs a different therapist. Now she thinks she sees dead people. I think she watches too many movies.

OH.....

And today is Jim's birthday. I think it surprised him that I remembered. In the three years that I have known him, he has not once remembered my birthday. When I wished him a happy birthday, a pained look came across his face, making him feel like the ass that he is. In moments like that, it becomes obvious how much I had cared for him at one time. All I can say is, it didn't work out because I knew in my heart I'd meet "Brian" and even after everything, after all this time, there is no one that I trust like I trust him.

New Definition and Valentine's Sucks Anonymous

ho bath- (n): washing the essential parts (ie: what a ho would do in the morning or between johns)

I have found my knight in shining armor and his name is Duncan Hines.

My house is filled with the smell of freshly baked brownies, only half of which are left because I ate half the pan as soon as they came out of the over. Baking was my answer to the sudden, random meltdown that happened as soon as I walked in the door tonight after work.

It's just that sadness is sometimes a subtle, silent companion that only makes itself known when it so desires. What it comes down to is that I'm lonely. It's not an easy time of year to be single and nursing a broken heart. Every freaking store around is full of Valentine's Day decorations. The Party Saver and Brown & White Paper Company had their windows all decked out with artsy cards declaring, "All You Need is Love...and paper," and pretty displays of wedding invitations to weddings that actually happened. WHY?? Then there's the mannequin dressed in a wedding gown made of white paper. It's the Paper Store's special way of saying "fuck you..with paper."

When I was driving home one night, through Orono, there is this little alley next to Bear Brew and this guy was walking with his girlfriend and pulled her in it to kiss her. It upset me. Brian used to do stuff like that with me. Friends ask me all the time. WHY Brian? He is just a guy like all the others I've dated. I just can't explain what it is like to be with someone who just wanted to hold my hand. The night I met him, I didn't even want to go out. My friends coerced me into it. They said something like, you won't find the man of your dreams on your living room couch. So we went out. I had a horrible time bar hopping and was anxious to get the evening over with. Every place we ended up, Brian was there with his friend. So finally, at Denny's he sat at our table and introduced himself and ignored me for most of the group conversation. He guessed at my job. You're a hairdresser, he stated! No, I am a teacher. So he talked instead with Elaine and the Grave's Lesbian Deli Girl. I called it a night. He passed me his business card that I still carry in my purse. I emailed him that next Tuesday and the rest is history. Life is cruel sometimes. I don't know what is worse. Never getting what you want, or finding exactly what you want and have it taken away. Brings to mind some gay saying about "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Am I sad how things have turned out? Yeah. Would I preferred to missed out on Brian? No. But you don't miss what you've never had, so I wouldn't have ever known what I was missing. Jim says that maybe God doesn't have Brian in the plans for me and that whoever is in the plan, will superceed everything Brian is and will make me forget all about him.
I looked at Jim and said, I don't ever want to forget him.

For the record, he isn't perfect. In fact, I am irritated by him 80% of the time. I know I piss him off. But I love him.

Girl Eats/Bites Guys Left Nut...

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=583&e=2&u=/nm/20050210/od_nm/crime_britain_testicle_dc

Ever had one of THOSE days??? :)

Not a funny story...just another example of the fucked up world we live in.
I've never had that bad of an experience with a male to want to bite something off of him...I've been very angry and I've been very hurt. However, the only times I care to have those parts in my mouth are when I am extremely horny, happy or drunk!
Preferably all three!

What a shittay day today! The weather is horrible. The snow is still coming down. I bet when this is all said and done, we'll have had a 1 1/2 - 2 Feet of snow dropped on us. I had to be at work by 7 AM, so that meant I was shoveling my ass out of a snowdrift at 6 AM...Ampersand's does not open until 7, so that meant no latte. Brian didn't drop checks off to us at work today until 12, and I had my break at 11, so I missed the bank. I broke a glass jar of vinegar in my car a few weeks ago, and I am still unable to get all that gross stank out of my car, though it is getting better. I bought some odor spray and more air fresheners and vent fresheners...the lady at VIP was like, UM, do we have a problem??? Yes, you stupid prying biotch...let's just announce this in front of everyone in a busy store. I stink, okay? Didn't have time for a shower this morning. I thought I'd save some money and go for the Polo Air Freshener instead of the perfume!

My hair is frizzy because of the weather, my kids are puking and my *fixed* cat is in heat again for the umpteenth time. Jesus, I could bite into some testicles right now!!!

Jenn and Bailey

Jenn and Bailey
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

This is my girl! Gosh, I didn't realize how long my hair was getting! Time for a trim.

Jenn Bailey and Sammi

Jenn Bailey and Sammi
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Having Fun!

My Kids

My Kids
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

They are the sweetest class!

katie

katie
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

She is a nut! :)

jenn & katie

jenn&katie
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Aren't we cute???

Bailey Hugs!

baileyhugs
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Some of my students!!!

Lefties Do It Right...all night long

I just read a blog with the banner...Conservative Girls are Hot....ummmm, I don't think so!

MOOD UPDATE

Current Mood: Excited about the possibility of tomorrow night.

Current Music: You're So Vain...Carly Simon

SNOW, Red Sox Disease, Symptoms and Prevention, and the Trainwreck that is My Life

I just drove to Ampersand's to get my latte and the roads really aren't that bad right now. I am sure they might have been slick this A.M., like Eric says they were, but by 10:30, they were just wet. Then again, Grandma is a more adventurous driver than Eric! :) It is like 35 degrees out right now. I'm not quite certain as to why there were so many school cancelations this morning. Tomorrow morning looks like the more appropriate of the two. My kids certainly are not complaining though!

I am looking forward to going out with some friends tomorrow night. Hopefully, the kids don't have much planned. I already warned them that about the good possibility of my going out. Margarita's tequilla steak sounds heavenly right now!!! And who knows, maybe the man of my dreams will be in Orono, ME tomorrow night!!! I'm holding my breath on this one! It is rather depressing not being interested in anyone. There has always been someone who has something to pique my interests. Oh well, I'll enjoy the calm while it lasts. Besides, who says there always has to be someone around that I am interested in? Who made those rules?

MY NEW RULES

I don't need to date anyone just because they are THERE and available.

I don't need to date just my TYPE. I am starting to think my type is wrong for me. It just perpetuates this cycle of angst that I am finding tiring. Eric teases me that my love life resembles those 80s flicks we so hate to love!

There is a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance. I seem to be attracted to the latter.

I will not be scared of getting what I want!!! I think I suffer from what Eric has coined The Red Sox Disease. Subconsciously, I am afraid that if I get what I want, there will be nothing else to yearn for, and boredom will ensue, with heartbreak soon to follow.

I will recognize that 80s television and movies have seriously ruined my dating life. Joanie Loves Chacci, Magnum PI, Miami Vice, Grease, The Love Boat, Top Gun, General Hospital, Santa Barbara, All My Children...I have morphed into some deranged version of Erica Kane, Eden Castillo and Laura.

Also, my sex sessions do not have to out do every porno I have ever seen. A worthy endeavor at one time, but a little unrealistic.

I WILL move to southern Maine.

I WILL pursue my doctorate.

I WILL write a novel.

I WILL find my father.

I WILL learn to fly.

I WILL NOT let my life resemble a bad country song.

I will embrace my jealous streak.

Beautiful!

I started my ESL certification class Wednesday and had an all day class today. We took a lunch break and a bunch of us walked over to a cafe and I had a wonderful tomatoe basil grilled cheese panini. It was 50ish today. Beautiful, wonderful spring-like weather. Definitely what I needed. My former Spanish professor at UMaine, Mari Carmen is taking the ESL class with me, as is Heather, Justin and Jessica. We are having a great time hanging out and catching up. I can't believe how much I miss being a student! Class is going well. My job hunt in southern Maine is keeping me busy. This warm weather is making me want to move NOW! I am thinking California might be nice.

Can't Believe it is February!

This year is already blowing right by! Can you believe that Ground Hog day is tomorrow, I think (Feb 2) and so that means 6 weeks left of winter. I know that doesn't necessarily apply to Maine, but in six weeks, we'll be mid-March and the temps won't be as frigid as they have been. January has always been my least favorite month. February is so short and the kids have their school vacations, and it is typically when we take our family vacation. Last year, the kids and I spent the week in DC. This year, finances being what they are, means we're taking our family vacation in April this year. We're spending it in New Jersey, going to 6 Flags and Atlantic City and visiting with family. I need to get away. If we don't go to New Jersey, we'll go back to Viriginia, so Zach can see his dad, but New Jersey is close enough to VA, so Mike can drive up. I can still remember our vacation last year. We left Bangor at 10 AM and we were in DC by 8:30 that night and in Manassas by 10, after a little detour by me (I got a little lost trying to find the house we were staying at.) What I remember the most was leaving a 30 degree Maine and opening the door to a nice 62 degree Virginia. That is the best feeling in the world.