I went out last night with Barb, Eric and Erin! Pretty fun! I'm glad we went out. It was a good time.
I am feeling okay. No puking. No headache. My throat is sore, though.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Since U Been Gone....Kelly Clarkson
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Brian is ticking me off!!!
This past weekend was another PERFECT weekend with Brian. One of the too perfect ones in which I won't hear from him for a few days after. I have not talked with him since Sunday. One of the weekends in which he wants to make love instead of just having sex. I love and dread these kinds of weekends all at the same time. This was how he lost me to Flint. We had a perfect weekend and then he went THREE weeks without talking to me, so I got fed up and started dating someone else and we were apart for about 3 months. I KNEW the minute he started talking about looking for an apartment down here on Sunday, how this would snowball.
I have so many great things going on in my life right now that I really don't have much time to dwell on any of this relationship crap with Brian. I am going to see Stevie Nicks/Don Henley on June 8th, with or without him. I am excited about new job prospects and getting out of my financial hole, with the hopes that this new job will pay back my student loans and also fund grad school. This will free up my salary a little so I can now buy a new vehicle and start adding to my savings again. I have a wonderful church community that I love being a part of. I love my present job. I tossed out my tent and plan on buying yet another one. We seem to go thru them pretty fast, but I hope to do some weekend camping with the kids. Day trips are fun, but you get to do more when you're spending the night. Saves on gas and driving time, too.
The Fourth of July looks like it will be a blast. I am looking forward to it. It is so much fun every year. It is just nice to have a tradition. I'd like to think that wherever my friends and my kids end up, we'll always have Boston's 4th of July to meet up in the park and have lunch and a concert with fireworks. The Boston Pops play patriotic tunes to the fireworks, with live cannons going off. It can be an emotional moment especially if it is your first time there.
I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. I am glad because I need a few days just to veg out. Well, it doesn't look like I'll be hearing from Brian anytime soon, so if anyone wants to go drinking tomorrow night, I might be persuaded to step out on the town for the evening. I am in the mood to flirt a little.
Hayley is going to the Green Day concert tonite. I was about 13 when I went to my first concert, too. I can't believe how much she is growing up. She will be 14 in July. Zach will be 11 in two weeks and Kayla will be 16 in February.
I have so many great things going on in my life right now that I really don't have much time to dwell on any of this relationship crap with Brian. I am going to see Stevie Nicks/Don Henley on June 8th, with or without him. I am excited about new job prospects and getting out of my financial hole, with the hopes that this new job will pay back my student loans and also fund grad school. This will free up my salary a little so I can now buy a new vehicle and start adding to my savings again. I have a wonderful church community that I love being a part of. I love my present job. I tossed out my tent and plan on buying yet another one. We seem to go thru them pretty fast, but I hope to do some weekend camping with the kids. Day trips are fun, but you get to do more when you're spending the night. Saves on gas and driving time, too.
The Fourth of July looks like it will be a blast. I am looking forward to it. It is so much fun every year. It is just nice to have a tradition. I'd like to think that wherever my friends and my kids end up, we'll always have Boston's 4th of July to meet up in the park and have lunch and a concert with fireworks. The Boston Pops play patriotic tunes to the fireworks, with live cannons going off. It can be an emotional moment especially if it is your first time there.
I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. I am glad because I need a few days just to veg out. Well, it doesn't look like I'll be hearing from Brian anytime soon, so if anyone wants to go drinking tomorrow night, I might be persuaded to step out on the town for the evening. I am in the mood to flirt a little.
Hayley is going to the Green Day concert tonite. I was about 13 when I went to my first concert, too. I can't believe how much she is growing up. She will be 14 in July. Zach will be 11 in two weeks and Kayla will be 16 in February.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Resumes, Jobs, Former Lovers
Claire needed an updated copy of my resume for my file at FLC, so I visited with Jim this morning and printed off some new ones. I will get that in the mail to her tomorrow.
Jim was just getting back from a professional development trip. He looked great. His son Justin was there this morning. It was nice to catch up. It was like the Jenn & Jim from the old times today. Before church, before his getting remarried, before Brian. I had mentioned to him that one of the newest colleagues at the College of Education is my very dear friend Kevin, and Jim informed me he didn't like Kevin, calling him a "pretty boy". It was very funny to see Jim that jealous. He said he was too old to play those games. I took that to mean that Jim didn't think he could compete with Kevin's much younger good looks. Kevin is very attractive and I've known him longer than Jim, but Kevin's good looks didn't stop me from pursuing Jim, whom I found very attractive. Anyway, I found it cute that I could still get a jealous reaction out of him even after everything that has happened. Not to mention the fact that he is NOW a married man. I reminded him of that today after I noticed him checking me out when he thought I wasn't looking.
Erin came into to work today to get an application. My preschoolers are pretty great kids! It has been a fantastic job for me and I will be sad to say goodbye when the time comes.
Current Mood: Happy, yet reminiscent and missing Brian like crazy.
Current music: " I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder..." I don't know who sings it.
Jim was just getting back from a professional development trip. He looked great. His son Justin was there this morning. It was nice to catch up. It was like the Jenn & Jim from the old times today. Before church, before his getting remarried, before Brian. I had mentioned to him that one of the newest colleagues at the College of Education is my very dear friend Kevin, and Jim informed me he didn't like Kevin, calling him a "pretty boy". It was very funny to see Jim that jealous. He said he was too old to play those games. I took that to mean that Jim didn't think he could compete with Kevin's much younger good looks. Kevin is very attractive and I've known him longer than Jim, but Kevin's good looks didn't stop me from pursuing Jim, whom I found very attractive. Anyway, I found it cute that I could still get a jealous reaction out of him even after everything that has happened. Not to mention the fact that he is NOW a married man. I reminded him of that today after I noticed him checking me out when he thought I wasn't looking.
Erin came into to work today to get an application. My preschoolers are pretty great kids! It has been a fantastic job for me and I will be sad to say goodbye when the time comes.
Current Mood: Happy, yet reminiscent and missing Brian like crazy.
Current music: " I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder..." I don't know who sings it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Job News
Okay, Claire was too excited about this job to wait until tomorrow, so she called me tonight. It is a full-time paid position, starting this summer. I will be working for the City of Bangor as a coordinator of the FLC program, which will encompass the youth program, plus several other new programs for the betterment of the Park Woods community. Remember this is homeless housing for the city of Bangor. Anyway, as part of my benefit package, I will be getting a salary, paid training, insurance for the kids and myself, AND the best part, my student loans will be paid off in full, AND they will cover the costs of my grad school tuition.
Claire thinks I have the drive and enthusiasm to make this program work. I was 18 when I had Kayla and it scares me to think about how close I came to living the life these families are living. For me, it all came down to making one single choice: to stay in school. It hasn't been easy and I certainly have struggled, but I have managed to keep my own children out of homeless shelters and I have managed to get my college degree and am working on focusing my life plan for my next step. These kids in the housing project mean so much to me and I hope the one impression I leave on them is how important school is and to just keep plugging away at it. It is the only way out of that kind of life for them.
Did I mention they pay back my student loans? I have to send in my resume tomorrow and Claire will get the ball rolling for me!
Claire thinks I have the drive and enthusiasm to make this program work. I was 18 when I had Kayla and it scares me to think about how close I came to living the life these families are living. For me, it all came down to making one single choice: to stay in school. It hasn't been easy and I certainly have struggled, but I have managed to keep my own children out of homeless shelters and I have managed to get my college degree and am working on focusing my life plan for my next step. These kids in the housing project mean so much to me and I hope the one impression I leave on them is how important school is and to just keep plugging away at it. It is the only way out of that kind of life for them.
Did I mention they pay back my student loans? I have to send in my resume tomorrow and Claire will get the ball rolling for me!
Funny how life is
Claire called me back. Right now we are playing phone tag. She left another message for me and said that I have been offered the paid position at FLC and when we could set up a time to discuss things. If I get a better salary than what I am making at the preschool, then I am done there. AND Dianne called from UMAINE's grad school and wants me to call her about my grad assistantship and classes, etc. I thought I had told Jim to find someone else and that I was putting grad school on hold. Apparently, not everyone got that memo. I have a meeting with Jim tomorrow anyway, so I am wondering if he has anything to do with Dianne's call. So, if things go as planned, I'll have a REAL job, like $35-$40, 000 a year kind of job and grad school underway. Keep fingers crossed for me.
And to think I was feeling down and depressed today about finances and grad school and career prospects. I really hope I can get my ducks in a row very soon.
And to think I was feeling down and depressed today about finances and grad school and career prospects. I really hope I can get my ducks in a row very soon.
Redecorating
I am still in the process of redecorating my room. I have long been envying the Tiki Bar/Stools at Spencer's for a quite some time now. SOOOOO, my plan is to go to Brown & White Paper and buy some decorations. In their theme rooms, they have elaborate displays of decorations for whatever theme you're shopping for...Tiki, Mardi Gras, etc...I am in the market for some grass table skirts, which I will adorn my existing bar with. I already have these cute parrot party lights b/c I am a huge parrot head! I love Jimmy Buffett. Then I have this very plain wall in my bedroom. So I am thinking a similar mural like the one in the restaurant we ate at in Virginia Beach. They also have blow up and cardboard stand-up palm trees at B&W Paper.
25 minutes before I go to work. I am looking forward to coming home from work, making some supper for the kids, and crawling back into my very comfy bed to read, watch a movie and sleep.
25 minutes before I go to work. I am looking forward to coming home from work, making some supper for the kids, and crawling back into my very comfy bed to read, watch a movie and sleep.
Time
My time to socialize is dwindling. I work 1-5:30 every day now, instead of just two or three long days, plus my job at FLC looks like it will be starting back up. Claire called Friday and I have yet to call her back, but I will in just a few moments, and the message on my machine said she had some great news! SO, that means the program should be back up and running, which is good news, and if the rest of the news is that I will continue to get paid for my efforts, than that IS great news!
Plus, I've been dealing with this depression shit/health issues since last fall. I am doing a million times better than I was at that time. At least I am getting out of bed, going to work, putting on make-up occasionally, etc. In Eric's blog he was saying he just doesn't have any ambition. I know exactly what he means. If I didn't make lists of things that I needed to get done, I would do NOTHING. The list at least helps me to not forget stuff, which happens when I am in a bad mood fog, and after I cross some things off, I feel like I am at least accomplishing something.
I don't know if depressed is the word for me. I feel lethargic at times. Not really down, just not really interested in doing a whole lot. Once I DO drag my ass out to do something, I always feel better, so that is a good sign. Brian is going thru a similar funk. We are right back where we always end up. The weekends do not last long enough for us. He is living in Presque Isle, I am living in Old Town. We just have to be patient. We know this, but it is hard. He is starting to look for an apartment around here again, so that is a good sign. He was looking for one down here last winter, before we broke up. He spends anywhere from $100-$200 a weekend on a hotel room to stay in, depending on the season, when he visits me. More if we go downstate for the weekend. He could just as easily spend that on an apartment that he would stay in when he is down.
Anyway, I have a million things to get done before work. My mood is always better when the sun is shining. I'll blog more later.
Plus, I've been dealing with this depression shit/health issues since last fall. I am doing a million times better than I was at that time. At least I am getting out of bed, going to work, putting on make-up occasionally, etc. In Eric's blog he was saying he just doesn't have any ambition. I know exactly what he means. If I didn't make lists of things that I needed to get done, I would do NOTHING. The list at least helps me to not forget stuff, which happens when I am in a bad mood fog, and after I cross some things off, I feel like I am at least accomplishing something.
I don't know if depressed is the word for me. I feel lethargic at times. Not really down, just not really interested in doing a whole lot. Once I DO drag my ass out to do something, I always feel better, so that is a good sign. Brian is going thru a similar funk. We are right back where we always end up. The weekends do not last long enough for us. He is living in Presque Isle, I am living in Old Town. We just have to be patient. We know this, but it is hard. He is starting to look for an apartment around here again, so that is a good sign. He was looking for one down here last winter, before we broke up. He spends anywhere from $100-$200 a weekend on a hotel room to stay in, depending on the season, when he visits me. More if we go downstate for the weekend. He could just as easily spend that on an apartment that he would stay in when he is down.
Anyway, I have a million things to get done before work. My mood is always better when the sun is shining. I'll blog more later.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Mommy's Baby
Hard to believe my baby will be 11 on May 12th.
He was a month old when Nicole Simpson was murdered. He was a few months old when Jackie Kennedy Onassis passed away. 1994 was a CNN-watching year for me. The next time I was glued to my televsion would be 9/11.
He was a month old when Nicole Simpson was murdered. He was a few months old when Jackie Kennedy Onassis passed away. 1994 was a CNN-watching year for me. The next time I was glued to my televsion would be 9/11.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
So much to tell!!!
I don't even know where to start. The trip was great. Lots of traffic both ways. We had a chance to spend a few hours in NYC on the trip down. Seeing Ground Zero was definitely more emotional than I had anticipated. When you approach the scene, especially with your children, you begin to realize that 9/11 was just a regular morning, with people rushing to work and hundreds of tourists milling around, much like 4/16, which was when we were there. You begin to feel very vulnerable, even though the security in this country is now at an all time high. You begin to understand the horror of that day from a perspective much different than the perspective of watching the terrifying events unfold on your television screens. The building adjacent to the towers is still standing, although the top half of the building is gone. I just know that if the kids and I had been there the morning of 9/11, we'd have stayed around after the planes had hit, to watch and we would have likely been among those who had lost their lives after the buildings began to fall. You also begin to feel angry because of what has been taken from you. The kids and I had never had a chance to see the towers in all of their glory, together, as a family. I had seen them at a younger age on a class trip. My children will only have the chance to view them in pictures or postcards.
Virginia Beach was beautiful and relaxing. Virginia itself, was beautiful. Our first day there, we were treated to a backyard BBQ, which turned into a fun party.
DC was incredible. The kids and I got to see everything we missed during our last vacations. I've been to D.C. several times. My kids have only been a few times and so now, they have seen everything, including seeing the President and the Vice President. We also had a great time at the zoo. The Metro was fun as always. It is definitely my preferred way to travel while in the city.
I made it home in time for my grandmother's 75th birthday party and then spent the rest of the day and evening with Brian. We had a very nice time together last night. Next weekend is the bike show on Bangor's waterfront. Hopefully, my next trip will be in June for Bike Week in Laconia. Then I have the week off, paid, during 4th of July week and in August, I am hoping Brian and I head back down to Virginia Beach for a week. We want to take the bike down.
Virginia Beach was beautiful and relaxing. Virginia itself, was beautiful. Our first day there, we were treated to a backyard BBQ, which turned into a fun party.
DC was incredible. The kids and I got to see everything we missed during our last vacations. I've been to D.C. several times. My kids have only been a few times and so now, they have seen everything, including seeing the President and the Vice President. We also had a great time at the zoo. The Metro was fun as always. It is definitely my preferred way to travel while in the city.
I made it home in time for my grandmother's 75th birthday party and then spent the rest of the day and evening with Brian. We had a very nice time together last night. Next weekend is the bike show on Bangor's waterfront. Hopefully, my next trip will be in June for Bike Week in Laconia. Then I have the week off, paid, during 4th of July week and in August, I am hoping Brian and I head back down to Virginia Beach for a week. We want to take the bike down.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Getting Ready
I'm feeling pretty good today. I fell asleep last night a little after 9PM and slept right thru till morning. I got my latte, tanned, ran some errands, made sure everything is packed and ready to go. I could still do a hundred other little things but I think I'll do some more when I get home from work, so I can have some company. I won't be able to do a thing tomorrow because I said I would cover for Julie, which leaves me working 8-5:30. This is really okay because that will be the only hours I have on my next paycheck. I'll be thanking myself for doing it when I get back from vacation.
I touched up my roots last night, gave myself a manicure/pedicure this morning and I am all tanned up so Virginia Beach here I come! Oh, DANG! A new thought just came to me! What am I going to do without my latte every morning? Yes, I am sure you are thinking that there are Starbucks everywhere. This is so true, but I ABHOR the taste of Starbucks. Their brand of coffee they use for their espresso grind is bitter and always tastes burnt to me. Ampersand's uses Green Mountain Coffee beans and grinds them for their espressos and we all know espresso isn't a particular bean, it can be any coffee bean, just very finely ground, one step up from the Turkish ground, and it is called espresso because of the speed and force the hot water is steeped throught the filter. AND we all know that lattes are espressos with steamed milk and a bit of froth on top. A cappuccino is an espresso with mostly froth. Yeah, I am a bit high maintenance when it comes to my coffee.
This week has flown by but the last day and a half is going to drag ass BIG TIME! I can't wait to be on the road. I can't wait to spend some time in DC. I can't wait for that first time my toes touch the sand!
Tonight I need to pick up another xD-card for my digital camera. I think I am going to get one of the 128 mb ones as the one I have only holds like 20 pics if I keep the camera set at 3 megapixels. EXCELLENT prints of all sizes using this setting. I haven't even used the 4 megapixel setting b/c I like to email pictures as well as having them printed and the 3 megapixel setting means a very large file size when attaching photos. I can't imagine wasting the money on a 5-plus megapixel camera. With the settings I am using presently, nobody can tell which 4 x 6's I've used the digital or my 35 mm camera on, except for the fact when I am using my digital, EVERY shot is a good shot (because of the delete feature). This Fuji FinePix340 is my third digital camera and it is by far my favorite. I still use my Canon SureShot 35 mm camera, but not so much now that I can just take out my handy xD-card and get my photos in one hour for much cheaper than developing 35mm film in one hour. Same, if not better quaility, for less? You have my attention!
Anyway, I have to be on my way to work. 1-5:30 today.
I touched up my roots last night, gave myself a manicure/pedicure this morning and I am all tanned up so Virginia Beach here I come! Oh, DANG! A new thought just came to me! What am I going to do without my latte every morning? Yes, I am sure you are thinking that there are Starbucks everywhere. This is so true, but I ABHOR the taste of Starbucks. Their brand of coffee they use for their espresso grind is bitter and always tastes burnt to me. Ampersand's uses Green Mountain Coffee beans and grinds them for their espressos and we all know espresso isn't a particular bean, it can be any coffee bean, just very finely ground, one step up from the Turkish ground, and it is called espresso because of the speed and force the hot water is steeped throught the filter. AND we all know that lattes are espressos with steamed milk and a bit of froth on top. A cappuccino is an espresso with mostly froth. Yeah, I am a bit high maintenance when it comes to my coffee.
This week has flown by but the last day and a half is going to drag ass BIG TIME! I can't wait to be on the road. I can't wait to spend some time in DC. I can't wait for that first time my toes touch the sand!
Tonight I need to pick up another xD-card for my digital camera. I think I am going to get one of the 128 mb ones as the one I have only holds like 20 pics if I keep the camera set at 3 megapixels. EXCELLENT prints of all sizes using this setting. I haven't even used the 4 megapixel setting b/c I like to email pictures as well as having them printed and the 3 megapixel setting means a very large file size when attaching photos. I can't imagine wasting the money on a 5-plus megapixel camera. With the settings I am using presently, nobody can tell which 4 x 6's I've used the digital or my 35 mm camera on, except for the fact when I am using my digital, EVERY shot is a good shot (because of the delete feature). This Fuji FinePix340 is my third digital camera and it is by far my favorite. I still use my Canon SureShot 35 mm camera, but not so much now that I can just take out my handy xD-card and get my photos in one hour for much cheaper than developing 35mm film in one hour. Same, if not better quaility, for less? You have my attention!
Anyway, I have to be on my way to work. 1-5:30 today.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
I feel Yucky
Still not feeling quite right. I passed my test last night. I am recertified in CPR/AED and First Aid.
Tonight, I am touching up my roots and I have to leave the dye in for another 20-30 minutes. I am watching Buffy Season 3 and just hanging out with the kids. After my hair is done, I think I will clean my bedroom. I feel like I haven't seen Buffy for ages. I forget how much I LOVE it!
I miss Brian! I feel like whining about it.
Tomorrow I have some appointments and some errands to do. My last short shift before working 8-5:30 Friday. I still don't know if I am leaving Friday night or Saturday morning. I can't wait to get on the road. Hopefully this will be an unforgettable trip. Unforgettable in a good way.
Tonight, I am touching up my roots and I have to leave the dye in for another 20-30 minutes. I am watching Buffy Season 3 and just hanging out with the kids. After my hair is done, I think I will clean my bedroom. I feel like I haven't seen Buffy for ages. I forget how much I LOVE it!
I miss Brian! I feel like whining about it.
Tomorrow I have some appointments and some errands to do. My last short shift before working 8-5:30 Friday. I still don't know if I am leaving Friday night or Saturday morning. I can't wait to get on the road. Hopefully this will be an unforgettable trip. Unforgettable in a good way.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Sick
I got out of work early today...which is a good thing, because ever since I have been home, I am feeling quite ill. I have that stupid class tonight 6-9 PM. If I don't go tonight, I'll regret it, and have to make it up anyway, so I might as well just get it all over with. These stomach pains are horrible.
I have to finish cleaning. Jessica is staying the night and catching her bus to Georgia tomorrow morning at 8 AM. I won't be able to see her until I get home tonight but it will be fun to hang out anyway. I haven't seen her for a few weeks. Since the beginning of March actually.
I have to finish cleaning. Jessica is staying the night and catching her bus to Georgia tomorrow morning at 8 AM. I won't be able to see her until I get home tonight but it will be fun to hang out anyway. I haven't seen her for a few weeks. Since the beginning of March actually.
Monday, April 11, 2005
I am glad today is over. I am looking forward to tomorrow being over. Wednesday will be an easier day. It has been brought to my attention that I should possibly hang out with some friends Wednesday or Thursday night. I just might but I have a sex-toy party to go to at my friend Carey's on Thursday night. So I will have to see how I am feeling Wednesday night. I am working 8-5:30 Friday and if Brian doesn't come down Friday night, I think we're gonna leave for Virginia early.
It is 8:30 and I am ready for bed. I miss Brian. I don't know why I seem to miss him more than usual. I didn't think that was possible, but alas, I am missing him like crazy today and tonight.
I think I am going to read for a little while tonight and call it a day.
It is 8:30 and I am ready for bed. I miss Brian. I don't know why I seem to miss him more than usual. I didn't think that was possible, but alas, I am missing him like crazy today and tonight.
I think I am going to read for a little while tonight and call it a day.
Final Countdown
We were supposed to have rain/snow showers today AND tomorrow, but today it is beautiful out. It isn't expected to cloud up until this evening. Rain/snow showers tomorrow.
I have a list of to-do's and I've completed all of today's list. I had to get everything done before leaving for work in about 20 minutes. I slept surprisingly well last night. I came in from tanning, blogged, put in a movie and took a 2 hour nap. I was still asleep by 10 PM and slept this morning until 8:20. Brian thinks it is silly that I think only one hour (the time change) can throw off my schedule so much, but it was officially a week since the change on yesterday and today I am just now feeling "normal". So anyway, TODAY, I went to the ATM, went to the bank (inside), filed my new insurance cards, picked up Shannon, went to the post office, paid the phone bill, sent off other correspondence.
If Brian doesn't come down to visit me this Friday, I think we're going to leave Friday night instead of Saturday morning and we'll spend some of Saturday in New York City. I LOVE the city. The kids and I love having pinics in Central Park. All three love Broadway musicals, which my sister and I adore! She and I try to get to at least one a year together. She of course, living in Greenwich, making about $200,000 of her own money, not to mention my brother-in-law's insane income, gets to go to as many shows as she wants. My aunt and uncle live in New Jersey, near Maguire Air Force Base, and because my uncle is a Master Sarge in the Air Force, he gets incredible deals on Broadway tix. So it seems whomever we visit when were in the city, musicals are sure to be part of the itinerary.
Tomorrow will be a LONG day. I have a PET at 8:30 AM...maybe I can squeeze in some tanning, maybe...then I have to work until 5:30 and at 6 PM, I have to be at Cutler Health Center for my cpr recertification. That class is 6-9. For me, 12 1/2 hours out of my house, is a long day. I won't have to be into work until 1 PM on Wednesday, though.
Current Mood: happy that the hard part of my day is over
Current Music: Sunny Days Jars of Clay
I have a list of to-do's and I've completed all of today's list. I had to get everything done before leaving for work in about 20 minutes. I slept surprisingly well last night. I came in from tanning, blogged, put in a movie and took a 2 hour nap. I was still asleep by 10 PM and slept this morning until 8:20. Brian thinks it is silly that I think only one hour (the time change) can throw off my schedule so much, but it was officially a week since the change on yesterday and today I am just now feeling "normal". So anyway, TODAY, I went to the ATM, went to the bank (inside), filed my new insurance cards, picked up Shannon, went to the post office, paid the phone bill, sent off other correspondence.
If Brian doesn't come down to visit me this Friday, I think we're going to leave Friday night instead of Saturday morning and we'll spend some of Saturday in New York City. I LOVE the city. The kids and I love having pinics in Central Park. All three love Broadway musicals, which my sister and I adore! She and I try to get to at least one a year together. She of course, living in Greenwich, making about $200,000 of her own money, not to mention my brother-in-law's insane income, gets to go to as many shows as she wants. My aunt and uncle live in New Jersey, near Maguire Air Force Base, and because my uncle is a Master Sarge in the Air Force, he gets incredible deals on Broadway tix. So it seems whomever we visit when were in the city, musicals are sure to be part of the itinerary.
Tomorrow will be a LONG day. I have a PET at 8:30 AM...maybe I can squeeze in some tanning, maybe...then I have to work until 5:30 and at 6 PM, I have to be at Cutler Health Center for my cpr recertification. That class is 6-9. For me, 12 1/2 hours out of my house, is a long day. I won't have to be into work until 1 PM on Wednesday, though.
Current Mood: happy that the hard part of my day is over
Current Music: Sunny Days Jars of Clay
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Instead of raking the lawn today and driving to Old Navy, I laid out in the sun. The real sun! Brian is out riding his new bike. It is definitely a great day for it.
Right now I am watching Without a Paddle...AGAIN! It is funny.
I cannot express how anxious I am for Saturday to get here! I am so looking forward to this roadtrip!
Right now I am watching Without a Paddle...AGAIN! It is funny.
I cannot express how anxious I am for Saturday to get here! I am so looking forward to this roadtrip!
I Love Brian
This weekend has been great so far. The girls had a dance on Friday night and so Barb, Shannon, Zach and I went to supper at Applebee's and then we went to Walmart for awhile until about 9:30. I got home and talked to Brian for a couple of hours, waiting for the girls to get home from the dance.
Brian came down last night and we went to Smokey Bones for supper and then went for a walk down by the waterfront in Bangor. On our second date EVER (almost 2 years ago), we walked on the waterfront together and on our first date back together after we broke up the first time, we walked on the waterfront together. Then we went back to the hotel and watched some tv, cuddled and stuff. He headed back up to P.I. early today because he and his buddies are going for a bike ride. He picked up his new motorcycle on Friday. I love how when he leaves, I can still smell him for hours. His cologne, his breath mints, etc.
Anyway, today I am debating on whether I should stay home and rake my yard, OR drive down to Old Navy and do some shopping. I'm leaning towards Old Navy, especially since the development of all of these clouds. I need a few new tanks and shorts for Virginia Beach.
Current Mood: very happy and very much missing Brian
Current Music: You and Me Lifehouse
Brian came down last night and we went to Smokey Bones for supper and then went for a walk down by the waterfront in Bangor. On our second date EVER (almost 2 years ago), we walked on the waterfront together and on our first date back together after we broke up the first time, we walked on the waterfront together. Then we went back to the hotel and watched some tv, cuddled and stuff. He headed back up to P.I. early today because he and his buddies are going for a bike ride. He picked up his new motorcycle on Friday. I love how when he leaves, I can still smell him for hours. His cologne, his breath mints, etc.
Anyway, today I am debating on whether I should stay home and rake my yard, OR drive down to Old Navy and do some shopping. I'm leaning towards Old Navy, especially since the development of all of these clouds. I need a few new tanks and shorts for Virginia Beach.
Current Mood: very happy and very much missing Brian
Current Music: You and Me Lifehouse
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Emily
If I knew for sure my baby would come out as perfect as Emily is, I'd have another one in a second. She is the sweetest baby girl ever!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Good Day
Work was good. A little busier than usual, but good. The new girl is working out GREAT! Carey found out tonight that her very soon-to-be-husband is leaving the 22nd of this month for boot camp for nine weeks. $20,000 sign-on bonus and their 2 year old daughter will keep her going though! We've planned the next two months out, though and we're gonna go out and have a good time. Kayla and Shannon can watch Brooke for her. That will be fun on the weekends I don't get to see Brian.
Amy wants me to go to the Bear Brew tomorrow night. I have a hard time drinking on a "school" night. I'm not as young as I used to be! It is harder for me to bounce back after a night of drinking these days. Plus Brian was not too pleased last Thursday when I went to that party. I think he was more angry about my going, knowing Flint would probably be there.
Anyway, I think I am going to take a bath in a few minutes and soak my achy muscles away and shave my legs! I am also going to got to bed early and finish Smart Women and then pick up where I left off in The Da Vinci Code and then hopefully talk to Brian tonight.
Current Mood: missing Brian
Current Music: Sara Fleetwood Mac
Amy wants me to go to the Bear Brew tomorrow night. I have a hard time drinking on a "school" night. I'm not as young as I used to be! It is harder for me to bounce back after a night of drinking these days. Plus Brian was not too pleased last Thursday when I went to that party. I think he was more angry about my going, knowing Flint would probably be there.
Anyway, I think I am going to take a bath in a few minutes and soak my achy muscles away and shave my legs! I am also going to got to bed early and finish Smart Women and then pick up where I left off in The Da Vinci Code and then hopefully talk to Brian tonight.
Current Mood: missing Brian
Current Music: Sara Fleetwood Mac
Hell Week
I talked awhile with Brian last night. I could have stayed angry with him and ignored him and married someone else, but I chose to take the high road and I'm glad I did.
Anyway, day two of Hell week begins at 10. I'm going to get my latte and then tan for 20 minutes to mentally prepare myself! :)
I'll blog tonite!
Current Mood: glad to see some sun!
Current Music:
Anyway, day two of Hell week begins at 10. I'm going to get my latte and then tan for 20 minutes to mentally prepare myself! :)
I'll blog tonite!
Current Mood: glad to see some sun!
Current Music:
Monday, April 04, 2005
Big Pats on the Back
So Hell week started today. Jade's vacation started today. I am covering her shift because my shift is easier to cover, which meant I had to be at work
AND Brian is a dink, but we all knew that.
AND Brian is a dink, but we all knew that.
Secret Sex Affair Diary
Oh, and one last thing before I go tanning...to the creator(s) of Secret Sex Affair Diary blogsite...hmmmm, I am thinking the jig is up, MORON! Not quite so secret if you're blogging about it.
Other random thoughts...
Prior to 1998, I had only slept with TWO men....ever...(we're not talking oral sex here).
Since 1998...let's just say, I've since caught up to, possibly surpassing, most of the 30-somethings of the world. During my first two relationships, I always felt like I was missing out on all the action, missing out on all of the sex my friends were getting. I was getting it all the time, just with one person. It is amazing how the grass will ALWAYS seem greener. I am starting to think I will never grow up. I will never just get to where I am getting to. Then we have people that say, it isn't getting there that matters as much as the ride. What they fail to mention is that there are several approaches...we have the lazy river approach, we have the roller coaster approach and we have the full on throttle, my jetplane is crashing and burning approach. My grandkids will appreciate all of my worldly wisdom someday.
Other random thoughts...
Prior to 1998, I had only slept with TWO men....ever...(we're not talking oral sex here).
Since 1998...let's just say, I've since caught up to, possibly surpassing, most of the 30-somethings of the world. During my first two relationships, I always felt like I was missing out on all the action, missing out on all of the sex my friends were getting. I was getting it all the time, just with one person. It is amazing how the grass will ALWAYS seem greener. I am starting to think I will never grow up. I will never just get to where I am getting to. Then we have people that say, it isn't getting there that matters as much as the ride. What they fail to mention is that there are several approaches...we have the lazy river approach, we have the roller coaster approach and we have the full on throttle, my jetplane is crashing and burning approach. My grandkids will appreciate all of my worldly wisdom someday.
Was I RIght?
Yes, I was right. Brian was ticked off at me. How do I know? Because he came down Saturday to buy his new bike and didn't let me know he had come down for the day. But he DID let me know last night. How can I love him and hate him with such intensity? I was so mad last night that I just got real quiet and said I had to go to bed early because I had to work early today. Partly true, although I was up until 2 AM. I couldn't sleep again last night. My stomach pains are lasting longer and becoming more unbearable. I was up at 7:30. I had such a wonderful weekend and he knew I was in a good mood because of it. He didn't have to tell me about coming to Bangor. I have a good mind to call Flint up and say, YES, I will marry you. Yes, I will have your baby. Brian can spend the rest of his messed up life in Presque Isle, running into his ex-wife around every corner, never seeing me again, never talking to me again, never smelling my hair again, knowing he's lost me forever.
I doubt I'd last the year without being utterly miserable and bored with Flint. Maybe I'll just find someone else. I am so tired of comparing everyone to Brian, though. I have no idea why I can't just be mad at him. I don't know why I always feel like I have to get even. I don't know how Brian can reduce me to such immaturity. All I know is this: I am INFURIATED! Brian always says it is about control. I can't control him and it infuriates me and also keeps me coming back. I fucking hate men. As God is my witness, I will hate them until the day I die!!!
I doubt I'd last the year without being utterly miserable and bored with Flint. Maybe I'll just find someone else. I am so tired of comparing everyone to Brian, though. I have no idea why I can't just be mad at him. I don't know why I always feel like I have to get even. I don't know how Brian can reduce me to such immaturity. All I know is this: I am INFURIATED! Brian always says it is about control. I can't control him and it infuriates me and also keeps me coming back. I fucking hate men. As God is my witness, I will hate them until the day I die!!!
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Ms. Blogs-alot
It is 7 PM and it is still light out. Aside from the cold and snow, I much prefer the fall back part of daylight savings. I feel like I should be doing more than sitting in my living room playing on my laptop. I did read a little today. Emailed a little. Blogged alot. I'm drinking Red Bull right now. Love that stuff. I don't know why my anxiety increases in the spring. It subsides in the summer and disappears all winter, but that is because I basically become lethargic all winter long.
I am dreading this week at work. I am working 40 hours this week. Oh, the horror! Jade is going to Florida for the week and I am covering her hours. I leave for VA in two weeks and she'll be covering for me then.
My car is all insured for the whole year. I paid for it all at once so I don't have to worry about it. Kind of makes me want to go out and get in an accident to celebrate. Kind of.
Tuesday and Wednesday are supposed to be sunny and beautiful outside. Hope this holds true. The nice weather last week certainly boosted my spirits. Now if I only saw Brian every day of my life, I'd be one happy chickie.
I am watching Resident Evil: Apocolypse....Correction...the kids are watching it. I'm going along for the ride. I've already seen it several times with Flint. I watched Saw again today. Should I be worried that I find myself laughing more each time I watch it? Like when Adam pretends to die from poison and then gets zapped.
My son is eating corn on the cob, green beans and Texas toast with melted cheese. Last night, he ate brocoli and corn on the cob and chicken tenders. My point is he is eating and LOVING vegetables. It has only taken him almost 11 years. The girls on the other hand have always loved salads and any kind of vegetable.
I'm reading Smart Women by Judy Blume...I have read all of her books but this one. I have no idea where I was when this came out years ago. Probably getting pregnant and having babies and other fun stuff.
I can't wait until vacation. I can't wait until the first day I go to a Maine beach. I can't wait until that first day in Old Orchard.
I think Brian is mad at me, though he is pretending not to be. I just know him. He's ticked that I went to that party, knowing that Flint would be there. Even though he said, You have a life too...MEN!!!
Why is it when I eat regular corn, I am fine, but when I eat corn on the cob, it gets stuck in my teeth?
Why is it when a girl is trying to escape a bad guy in a movie she chooses to run UP the stairs? After a couple of flights, I'd drop to my knees and just say Kill me, motherfucker. Also, why is it that the good guys get shot and killed often in the first try, yet the bad guys get shot and shot and shot and keep getting up and up and up?
Tim Zimmermen, author of The Wetass Chronicles is on yet ANOTHER vacation. Dude, don't be such a dink!!!
The interior on my nostrils is sunburned from the tanning bed. A nice place for skin cancer. Nostril cancer. Maybe that is what is wrong with Michael!
I need to go out and get SHIT-TAY!!! On April 12th, I work all day, then I have to get my CPR/AED certification renewed, from 6-9 PM...what a fun freaking day that will be! But I leave for vacation on the 16th!
It is 7:30 and now it is dark. I had a dream the other morning about killing zombies. My weapon of choice was a hammer, with a broken metal handle that I could use as a stake. Plus, I used the claw. Good dreams. I also used a golf club to kill a zombie in the same dream. Oh, and in the same dream, I was being drowned by a man, who didn't have a body from the waist down, and his hands were tied behind his head. First we were making out, because apparently I am a sick fuck in my dreams, then he put his hands around my neck to like embrace me and kiss me more, then I woke up because he was forcing my head under water and I didn't want to play anymore.
The Pope died yesterday. His last prayer was about world peace. Anyone read the Book of Revelations lately? Prophecy states, the beginning of the reign of the Antichrist will start with the world being united in world peace. There will be one world religion, one world currency, etc. The colors of this world religion will be crimson and purple...hmmm, happens to be the colors of the Catholic religion...plus there are supposed to be natural and un-natural disasters all over the world and a war with Iraq. Things that make you go HMMMM. Kind of makes one wonder if it is prophecy being fulfilled or a self-fulfilling prophecy in the making.
Current mood: hyped up on the Bull
Current Music: growly roars from the beast on Resident Evil: The Apocolypse
I am dreading this week at work. I am working 40 hours this week. Oh, the horror! Jade is going to Florida for the week and I am covering her hours. I leave for VA in two weeks and she'll be covering for me then.
My car is all insured for the whole year. I paid for it all at once so I don't have to worry about it. Kind of makes me want to go out and get in an accident to celebrate. Kind of.
Tuesday and Wednesday are supposed to be sunny and beautiful outside. Hope this holds true. The nice weather last week certainly boosted my spirits. Now if I only saw Brian every day of my life, I'd be one happy chickie.
I am watching Resident Evil: Apocolypse....Correction...the kids are watching it. I'm going along for the ride. I've already seen it several times with Flint. I watched Saw again today. Should I be worried that I find myself laughing more each time I watch it? Like when Adam pretends to die from poison and then gets zapped.
My son is eating corn on the cob, green beans and Texas toast with melted cheese. Last night, he ate brocoli and corn on the cob and chicken tenders. My point is he is eating and LOVING vegetables. It has only taken him almost 11 years. The girls on the other hand have always loved salads and any kind of vegetable.
I'm reading Smart Women by Judy Blume...I have read all of her books but this one. I have no idea where I was when this came out years ago. Probably getting pregnant and having babies and other fun stuff.
I can't wait until vacation. I can't wait until the first day I go to a Maine beach. I can't wait until that first day in Old Orchard.
I think Brian is mad at me, though he is pretending not to be. I just know him. He's ticked that I went to that party, knowing that Flint would be there. Even though he said, You have a life too...MEN!!!
Why is it when I eat regular corn, I am fine, but when I eat corn on the cob, it gets stuck in my teeth?
Why is it when a girl is trying to escape a bad guy in a movie she chooses to run UP the stairs? After a couple of flights, I'd drop to my knees and just say Kill me, motherfucker. Also, why is it that the good guys get shot and killed often in the first try, yet the bad guys get shot and shot and shot and keep getting up and up and up?
Tim Zimmermen, author of The Wetass Chronicles is on yet ANOTHER vacation. Dude, don't be such a dink!!!
The interior on my nostrils is sunburned from the tanning bed. A nice place for skin cancer. Nostril cancer. Maybe that is what is wrong with Michael!
I need to go out and get SHIT-TAY!!! On April 12th, I work all day, then I have to get my CPR/AED certification renewed, from 6-9 PM...what a fun freaking day that will be! But I leave for vacation on the 16th!
It is 7:30 and now it is dark. I had a dream the other morning about killing zombies. My weapon of choice was a hammer, with a broken metal handle that I could use as a stake. Plus, I used the claw. Good dreams. I also used a golf club to kill a zombie in the same dream. Oh, and in the same dream, I was being drowned by a man, who didn't have a body from the waist down, and his hands were tied behind his head. First we were making out, because apparently I am a sick fuck in my dreams, then he put his hands around my neck to like embrace me and kiss me more, then I woke up because he was forcing my head under water and I didn't want to play anymore.
The Pope died yesterday. His last prayer was about world peace. Anyone read the Book of Revelations lately? Prophecy states, the beginning of the reign of the Antichrist will start with the world being united in world peace. There will be one world religion, one world currency, etc. The colors of this world religion will be crimson and purple...hmmm, happens to be the colors of the Catholic religion...plus there are supposed to be natural and un-natural disasters all over the world and a war with Iraq. Things that make you go HMMMM. Kind of makes one wonder if it is prophecy being fulfilled or a self-fulfilling prophecy in the making.
Current mood: hyped up on the Bull
Current Music: growly roars from the beast on Resident Evil: The Apocolypse
Zach & Shannon
What cute kids!!! We were just hanging out, playing Bullcrap all weekend. All and all, very restful and entertaining.
Boys of Summer
Had a great time at the mall last night with the kids, Barb and Eric. We got Eric's hair cut. It looks very cool!!! He is stylin' now! Then I bought some CDs...Don Henley's greatest hits and another Bob Marley CD. Bob Marley is going to be at the Comedy Connection in Portland next weekend. He is just the cutest!!! I love him. We had a late supper at Chili's and then headed for home.
I wish it wasn't raining so hard today. I want to go hiking or something. My hair can't do the drizzle!
The kids have a big day of playing Bullcrap planned for today. I just learned how to play this lying cheating game yesterday. Apparently my kids have been playing for awhile now. They are quite adept at being sneaky little shits during this game.
Current Mood: surprisingly good, given the time change
Current Music: All She Wants to Do............Don Henley
I wish it wasn't raining so hard today. I want to go hiking or something. My hair can't do the drizzle!
The kids have a big day of playing Bullcrap planned for today. I just learned how to play this lying cheating game yesterday. Apparently my kids have been playing for awhile now. They are quite adept at being sneaky little shits during this game.
Current Mood: surprisingly good, given the time change
Current Music: All She Wants to Do............Don Henley
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Will Blog Later
Going to the grocery store. Then going to the mall with Barb, kids, and Eric late afternoon.
Do you know what I wish would come in style? Those little plastic handkerchiefs old ladies wear on their heads during inclimate weather to keep the elements off of their style.
Maybe I can bring them into fashion! Brian's mother emailed me at 10:30 PM last night, shortly after Brian and I called it a night ourselves. I told him about seeing Flint and his proposal. Brian was kind of mad, kind of I-don't-give-a-fuck, telling me I obviously still have feelings for Flint. I said, Brian, I am more interested in AJ than Flint. (He agreed.) Then I said, Brian, I am more interested in YOU than AJ!
Of course, I am more than interested in Brian. I am in love with Brian. I just get tired of his mood swings sometimes.
Anyway, I was surprised to get an email from his mother. We've talked briefly on speaker phone in Brian's truck a few times and I know Brian talks to her about me, but I was surprised that he gave her my email address. Not that it is top secret or anything. In the subject line it read "From Brian's Mommy"...too cute, like I wouldn't have recognized her name. It was just some jokes and I enjoyed them.
Okie dokie...got to go grocery shopping. I will write later.
Do you know what I wish would come in style? Those little plastic handkerchiefs old ladies wear on their heads during inclimate weather to keep the elements off of their style.
Maybe I can bring them into fashion! Brian's mother emailed me at 10:30 PM last night, shortly after Brian and I called it a night ourselves. I told him about seeing Flint and his proposal. Brian was kind of mad, kind of I-don't-give-a-fuck, telling me I obviously still have feelings for Flint. I said, Brian, I am more interested in AJ than Flint. (He agreed.) Then I said, Brian, I am more interested in YOU than AJ!
Of course, I am more than interested in Brian. I am in love with Brian. I just get tired of his mood swings sometimes.
Anyway, I was surprised to get an email from his mother. We've talked briefly on speaker phone in Brian's truck a few times and I know Brian talks to her about me, but I was surprised that he gave her my email address. Not that it is top secret or anything. In the subject line it read "From Brian's Mommy"...too cute, like I wouldn't have recognized her name. It was just some jokes and I enjoyed them.
Okie dokie...got to go grocery shopping. I will write later.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Thoughts
Okay...so last night I went to John and Vicki's anniversary party. I wasn't going to go, even though I was invited awhile ago, because I originally met John and Vicki thru Flint and knew he had also been invited. Aside from an occasional phone call/IM session and picking him up at the airport about 2 weeks ago, our contact has been limited.
Brian was in an argumentative mood on the phone Tuesday night and didn't call or IM me Wednesday, so last night I said SCREW IT! I am going to the damn party. So I went. Flint was there. We talked. He asked me to move in with him. He asked me to marry him. He asked me to have a baby with him. He said he has been miserable without me. Basically, I said I love Brian.
My question is this. How long do I wait for Brian? Because of his depression, we have lots of ups and downs. Is it going to be like that the rest of our lives? I have been seriously considering having another child ever since I met Brian. I would love to have this child WITH Brian. But I am slowly but surely running out of time to safely have another child. I will be 33 this July. Working at the preschool has made me want another child even more. Brian and I have talked about having a baby and he is willing to do what I want in regards to that, BUT neither he nor I are there yet relationship-wise. We'd at least like to be living in the same house before we do that and THAT would be at least another year, closer to 2, assuming we last through his depression. So on the other hand, I have Flint, who I believe is sincere with everything we talked about last night. Here is a guy who, up until his job problems, I had a fairly great relationship with. He wants a committment, he wants a baby, he is intent on making me the happiest woman in the world if I give him the opportunity. I wouldn't even be thinking these thoughts at all if Brian wasn't in the midst of severe mood swings. My reality is this...as much as I love Brian, this depression is hurting us. Can I realistically do this? For better or for worse, and this depression is definitely the 'for worse' part, can I do this? I'd like to think I am capable of that kind of committment, but am I kidding myself? I lived with a severely depressed father who has been (in the last decade) diagnosed with schizophrenia. I saw my mother live 19 years with this man.
I am just confused. I'm sure it will all pass in a day or two. I love Brian. I am willing to stand by him through anything, but anybody who has any experience in dealing with depression, either their own or a loved one's, knows how distant the depressed person can become and how they can alienate all the people around them. It is very hard and very hurtful when Brian pushes me away. In his happier and more lucid moments, he assures me it isn't about me and not to take it so personal.
Current Mood: ready for vacation
Current Music: Beautiful Loser Bob Seger
Brian was in an argumentative mood on the phone Tuesday night and didn't call or IM me Wednesday, so last night I said SCREW IT! I am going to the damn party. So I went. Flint was there. We talked. He asked me to move in with him. He asked me to marry him. He asked me to have a baby with him. He said he has been miserable without me. Basically, I said I love Brian.
My question is this. How long do I wait for Brian? Because of his depression, we have lots of ups and downs. Is it going to be like that the rest of our lives? I have been seriously considering having another child ever since I met Brian. I would love to have this child WITH Brian. But I am slowly but surely running out of time to safely have another child. I will be 33 this July. Working at the preschool has made me want another child even more. Brian and I have talked about having a baby and he is willing to do what I want in regards to that, BUT neither he nor I are there yet relationship-wise. We'd at least like to be living in the same house before we do that and THAT would be at least another year, closer to 2, assuming we last through his depression. So on the other hand, I have Flint, who I believe is sincere with everything we talked about last night. Here is a guy who, up until his job problems, I had a fairly great relationship with. He wants a committment, he wants a baby, he is intent on making me the happiest woman in the world if I give him the opportunity. I wouldn't even be thinking these thoughts at all if Brian wasn't in the midst of severe mood swings. My reality is this...as much as I love Brian, this depression is hurting us. Can I realistically do this? For better or for worse, and this depression is definitely the 'for worse' part, can I do this? I'd like to think I am capable of that kind of committment, but am I kidding myself? I lived with a severely depressed father who has been (in the last decade) diagnosed with schizophrenia. I saw my mother live 19 years with this man.
I am just confused. I'm sure it will all pass in a day or two. I love Brian. I am willing to stand by him through anything, but anybody who has any experience in dealing with depression, either their own or a loved one's, knows how distant the depressed person can become and how they can alienate all the people around them. It is very hard and very hurtful when Brian pushes me away. In his happier and more lucid moments, he assures me it isn't about me and not to take it so personal.
Current Mood: ready for vacation
Current Music: Beautiful Loser Bob Seger
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