Atkins Week 7ish

So I'm down almost 20 pounds since this  return to Atkins world commenced. I'm slowly adding things back into my diet. Here to say, my stomach is better when I do not add certain things back. So my goal weight I picked was to see if I could get back down to my high school weight. I'm saying that with a smile. Not sure if it's possible at age 42 and three children later. Haha. If it happens by just cutting out all the bad stuff then good riddance!  This time around, on this particular dietary change, I'm noticing more just how much junk I was consuming and just how much that junk was affecting my physical health.  I think I actually have less anxiety if I eat more junk but that's a separate issue. 

What I'm Reading...

It's been a busy two weeks for books for me...I tackled and finished three Stephen King novels. The Shining, which I had read in 8th or 9th grade, so it was a reread and then I finally got to Dr. Sleep, which has been on my kindle FOREVER (the Sandlot). Lastly was The Running Man. I never read it because I had seen the stupid movie. Do yourself a favor and read the book. Quick read. Read it in a day. Now I'm re-reading Vanity Fair. Figured I had to get a classic in to decompress from King.  

Last Weekend

Some pics from last weekend...we went on a hike and then Bella went on a fairy hunt in the ornamental gardens. 

This and That

This weather is really bringing me down. It was sunny for the weekend and I guess that's fine for regular folk but I like to see some sun in my weekdays too. The gloom does nothing for my anxiety. I have good days and bad when it comes to anxiety. I had a good 8 year run of little to zero anxiety activity in RI. Plenty of beaches, the ocean, no extended family, a set schedule. My anxiety is definitely family related. It also increases when I have no creative outlet, when my excercise is restricted or with sudden, new changes to my life and/or schedule. Twenty minutes of just sitting in the morning sun, doing little more than listening to the birds, can turn my whole day around.  On rainy days, I clean. I read. I knit. I drink tea. Sounds wonderful, right?  I have to do those things or else I would curl up in a ball and will myself to disappear.  I've had anxiety since I was a kid. I know what it is. I know what causes it. I know how to avoid it and I know how to live with it. All thanks to college psych classes and cognitive therapy. What they don't tell you is that it will always be there. Always lurking. Always ready to steal your joy.  I'm not interested in pharma. A little self medication, time in nature, a good run, a strong drink, time with my husband, time with Bella or the dogs, and I can usually keep things together. But there are still those times when the panic just hits. When you know you're alone even in a room full of people. When you just know no matter how fast you run, it's always going to out run you.  That moment of panic when you know there isn't enough sex, love, alcohol, sun, therapy or medication to beat it. Those are the darkest times and thankfully for me, those are few and far between, but there are so many people who are stuck in that limbo.  My person soaks up this negative energy and I have to be vigilant about who I spend time with. I call these people emotional vampires and I seem to attract them like crazy. I would bet that if I kept better record, I would find that my periods of deep anxiety follow times I've "helped" a vampire out, even without my knowledge. The irony is that, when I'm helping someone out, my anxiety usually eases up, which is a desired effect, therefore I will let my guard down and then I'm wiped.  Sounds crazy, but have you ever talked to someone and after felt emotionally exhausted? You encountered an emotional vampire. And then once in awhile, you encounter people who just spill positive energy into you.  Yeah, I'm not one of those. My positivity has to be siphoned off, as I don't spill. I like balance. I seek balance in all things. And my anxiety stems from wanting to control any and every thing that can throw that balance off.  

Last Weekend

Even though I was sick for most of last week and all of this week, we did go camping for the night at a new spot. It was beautiful. Both dogs had a wonderful time. The bugs were horrible though and so we headed back earlier than anticipated. 

The view outside the tent on Friday night, as the sun set. I could have been sick in bed at home or sick in bed in a tent, looking at this. 

The view from the back of the tent (this window doesn't open, so it was through the screen). 

Sick

I've been sick for the last week and a half. The weekend back in RI was fun. On Friday, I drove Desaraye around and showed her where we lived and our beaches. We then went to Jamestown and I showed her around and we stopped in Beavertail. We stopped at Haxton's Liquor. She was amazed. At the size and the fact that there are always two cops directing traffic right there to get into and out of the parking lot. That night we ate at Absynnia which is an authentic Ethiopian restaurant. I ordered the Key wot.  My favorite. 

I also love the injera (the bread). Spongy perfection. My mouth is watering just looking at it. 

On Saturday morning, I ran a few errands. Scott had to work till noon and Desaraye had roller derby till midnight. 

Met back up with Scott and his friend Susan for lunch at Top of the Bay in Oakland Beach. 

I ordered the lobster bisque. It was good. The views were better. 

Sunday was spent at the beach with Hayley. 

 

It was a good trip. I wish Mitch had been there so we could go to our favorite places together. Sometimes lately, I feel like we left "us" there. 

Dreams

I had another dream that I was back in Narragansett and we were going to be moving and I woke up crying. These dreams totally have the power to ruin my day. It's no secret that I'm struggling with having moved. Sadness, anxiety, anger, bitterness. I'm hoping that spending the weekend in RI will help me sort through some of those feelings and when I come back, I will feel more settled. I do understand this is just a season and that there are many good things about being here and to try to make the most of it. Let me try to put things in perspective...a bad day in Narragansett was never really bad...I could walk to the beach. A bad day in Orono is a bad day. For the first time last weekend, while in Camden, I felt like, ok, maybe this won't be so bad, but last night's dream didn't help.

Cupcake Vineyards

This is such a lovely all purpose red wine.    It only runs about $12 a bottle which is a fine price for a nice glass (or four) of wine to sip and relax after a long day.  A tad on the sweet side, it was still good, even though I usually prefer a drier wine.  

Weekend Adventures

Saturday was a good day for a hike!  We hiked up the Maiden Cliff trail in Camden. 

Reading

Currently reading this book. I don't think it needs a summation, as the title sums it all up nicely. The thick of the story takes place about 20 years before the Civil War ends slavery.  A free black man was kidnapped from New York and sold south into slavery, where he endured for 12 years away from his wife, kids and parents.  I feel it should be required reading. I certainly hope to include it and possibly the movie, in my Civil Rights unit, when and if I ever teach English again. The most compelling part of the narrative for me was when Northup blames the institution of slavery and not the white men who were born into it, as Jesus prayed His father would forgive the people who put him to death because they know not what they do. I have no problem casting blame all around. Jerks are jerks and are responsible for their own actions.  2015 and the color of your skin is STILL an issue. 

Cast On

I cast on a hat yesterday to match Bella's grey and Aqua trim Northface winter jacket for school next winter. I think it'll match perfectly. 

Almost ready to begin my decreasing rows. I'm using 16-inch circulars size #8 and a super soft worsted yarn in Aqua. I will post the finished product on my model (Bella) when I sew the flower on the brim. 

Phase 2 Day 5

We're five days into Phase 2 of Atkins. I find I can pretty much stay at this level indefinitely, occasionally hopping up into Phase 3 or even 4, if it's a celebratory event. Most of the bad cravings (chips, pizza, pastries) are on the wayside. Once in awhile now, one will take hold but it's usually because I've seen a commercial. But what's that saying? Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Plus with every ad for food, there's ten more ads for weight loss gimmicks. I'm happy to have berries in my life again and my current raw vegetable faves are sliced red peppers, celery sticks and broccoli. My energy levels seem to have returned. I'm not out of breath going up and down the stairs. Took a few days for my body to acclimate to the weight loss and dramatically reduced sugar intake. I'm going to increase my frequency of workouts this week. I hope to find a nice balance. Running really helps my anxiety but it also really makes me ravenous. Another rainy day today. One more expected for tomorrow. My garden bed is enjoying a good soak. I hope to get my seedlings into the ground soon and get our deer fencing in place. I'm planting a little butterfly garden too. There's an area that has some really beautiful wild flowers and some leftover flowers from a former flowerbed, which have popped up. Our crematory company we used for Sierra sent us a seed packet of flowers along with her ashes. I'm hoping to incorporate them into that little area and maybe a little engraved rock memorial. I have a few knitted hat patterns I want to start and hats knit up pretty quickly for me so I'm hoping to get a few knit up. I have some slipper socks I want to make. Lots of Christmas gifts. Weird to start thinking about that now but it really does sneak up on you. I also have all the supplies for knit stocking Christmas tree ornaments. Obviously, I have plenty of things to keep my hands busy besides popping food into my mouth!

Expanding Dog Pack

We introduced Desmond and Sadie in the park in the back of backyard. Once we knew they we ok, we brought them inside. Took a few hours of sniffing before they started playing. Took a day before they settled near each other. And by day three, they joined Bella in her "office" which is what Bella calls Desmond's extra large dog kennel. 

Old Days vs New Days

A day in my life just a few months ago looked like this:

Work 8pm-8am for the overnight for job 1, work 8:15 at job 2 until 2pm. Work 2:15pm-6:15pm at job 1.  Watch Bella until her mother got home from work at 10pm. That would be a Sunday night thru Monday night. 

Yesterday was pretty restful because it was Mother's Day and quite frankly I just wanted a pajama day. I haven't had one since moving here. Today started early. It is 2 minutes shy of 10am and I've done 3 loads of laundry, washed, dried, folded, put away. Vacuumed upstairs and downstairs. Cleaned Bella's room. Put all her toys, books and clothes away. Loaded the dishwasher. Made our bed. Next up is washing the kitchen floor. I have blogged twice this morning and watered my plants. 

Honestly I just feel like I traded ridiculous amounts of busy for ridiculous amounts of busy. 

Tonight we're having low carb pizzas for dinner made with carb balance tortillas. I think my husband will be happy with that. 

Weekend Excitement

We rehomed this girl over the weekend. Ours will be the 4th (and hopefully last) home she's had in her short 2 1/2 years. She's the same age as Sierra was when I rescued her. Desmond has welcomed her in. We've named her Sadie. She's acclimating and they've both exceeded my expectations getting along. Bella is happy she has a more manageable sized dog to boss around! 

Yesterday's Outing

There really is nothing cuter than pictures of dogs and kids.  Not so cute when you're the one wrangling said dog and kid.  They're perfect one at a time. Together?  They feed off of each other and both get hot and tired at about the same time.  And both seem to stop listening at the same time too!  It's super fun when the 5- year old throws a stick to play fetch and you're tethered to the dog. 

Day 14! We Did it!

14!  FOURTEEN days of no sugar, no wheat, low carbs, no starches, no alcohol (except a much deserved Michelob Ultra light beer, at 95 calories, which I only got 1/2 of the bottle down and then suffered with heartburn for 3 days after), little caffeine because I don't enjoy coffee with Splenda.  I do NOT think my two teaspoons of sugar in my morning coffee is going to bring me down.  It's the cake, cupcakes, pie, ice cream, pasta, bagels, and chips.  Those items are going to remain out of my diet. Maybe a treat once in awhile but definitely not going to be waiting for me in my cupboards.  

So DAY 14!  How do I feel?  Rested!  I'm sleeping really well because I'm not waking up all night with digestive issues. I have not had one headache in 14 days!  A little breathless at times as my body adjusts to not running on sugar, which is completely normal and should pass.  I'm down 10 pounds, so there is that for positive reinforcement.  Moving forward, I think I'm going to hover around Induction for a bit longer, but definitely moving up to Phase 2 on workout days.  I do recognize my body's need for more of a variety of fruits and vegetables than just the leafy green stuff. Kale or spinach, and some berries, with some green tea, blended up in the Bullet to add some fiber and vitamins but low on the carb scale should do the trick.

I'm pretty sure I'm done with meat for awhile!  I'm going to stick with fish and eggs. Some chicken. Tofu.  My treat for myself tomorrow evening???  A shot of American Honey whiskey.  I found out last night there's only 2 carbs in it. That stuff is so good you can just drink it straight.  Or add it to green tea for a hot toddy, which is my preferred way to enjoy.  I had no cravings last night at bedtime!  That is huge for me because that is when I want to eat and eat and eat.  My mid-afternoon munchies were held off with two stalks of celery cut up and stuffed with sugar-free soy butter. Either item by itself is not that appetizing but together???  My brain thinks it celery and peanut butter and that's ok with me. 

I've also found in these two weeks that there is food I have seemed to lose a taste for. That's the keto diet for you.  It is very similar to when you're pregnant and get turned off to certain foods. I have a bunch of friends doing the whole 30. There's nothing inherently wrong with the diet, as it should be whole organic foods, but it allows for tons of fruit and other high GI foods.  High Glycemic Index foods (carrots for one) can ruin a person's weight-loss goals, especially if you're insulin-resistant. I know, it's a bit technical...my brother is diabetic and has been since he was a kid and I had borderline gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy, so I learned A LOT in order to avoid giving myself shots.  So even though carrots are low in calorie, they are one of the highest on the GI scale, which spikes your blood sugar. I save bananas and carrots for after a big workout.  Actually I always save carrots because I don't seem to like them unless their cooked up in a soup! 

Day 12!!!

Day 12 of induction isn't nearly as bad as say day 5. The cravings are minimal, still coming around 8 PM, when we're in bed watching tv. I'm guessing it's because of all the FOOD commercials that are on television. Nothing like a Dairy Queen Blizzard commercial to kill your willpower. The advertisers will NOT win. I'm not getting my skinnier butt up and out of bed to drive across town for a blizzard. If DQ delivered, they may be a problem. I'm down ten pounds, so that is good too! Yesterday wasn't a good water day, so today I'm going to focus on getting my required amount inside of me. We're going kayaking this afternoon when Mitch gets home from work. I've created a monster. He's the world's newest kayaking enthusiast. Maine is finally getting its much deserved Spring. Mid to high 70s all week. I'm going to work some more on prepping my garden bed. It was just shy of 80 when I went outside to work on it yesterday and I only lasted about an hour. The best part of spring is washing sheets and blankets and hanging them on the line to dry!

First Weekend in May

We did some hiking Saturday to scout out a possible area for our kayaks (yeah not happening as it is a pretty steep ascent for about a half hour) but the view was gorgeous, as was the weather. Not a person to be seen, so we spent the day and decided to hike down, get our camping gear and hike BACK up (quickly mind you, so we could set up camp before nightfall. Not our greatest idea but certainly a fun one. We both slept horribly because of our poor planning, my anxiety about bears, and it is apparently loon mating season and their calls were not the soothing ones I remember of my youth. They were these violent, crashing and thrashing strangled wails, along with a few of their warning wails, dispersed through the night. We did get a few peaceful tremolos at sunset and sunrise but by sunrise, the loons were dead to me. 

The Jungle Book

Last night we went to the opening night of The Jungle Book that our local community theater put on. It was Bella's first time going to a play and this was definitely a good choice. It only ran about an hour, which was also good for a five year old.  And the old man too, as Mitch started complaining about his butt and the hard seats...I never brought up the hours I've spent on metal bleachers, watching him coach URI soccer!  

Anyway, great show!  My friend Elaine was the Mama wolf and her son was a wolf pup and a monkey. Bella totally loved getting her picture taken with them after the show!  

Day 8

I dreamt that I died last night. I was there, knowing I was going to die, thinking this is going to suck and then nothing. There was no more to the dream. It stopped abruptly. I obviously woke up this morning and my first thought was that I'm alive. It reminds me of an Alfred Hitchcock episode when there is a row of people standing up, asleep, in some kind of lab and their life is the dream but one keeps short circuiting and wakes up in the lab then falls asleep and goes back to "real life" the wakes up in the lab...finally they just unplug her. To dream of one's death can mean anxiety around ending one chapter and starting another. I guess it could be my way of decompressing after the move, after leaving two anxiety filled jobs, after saying goodbye to so many friends and two intricate people in our immediate family, or it could just be this freaking Atkins diet!!! Last night was rough. So rough. Cravings through the roof. Pizza. And that frosting covered kettle corn. I got through it but like I said, it was a rough night. Today though, I cleaned, worked out, am already on my 3rd 12oz glass of water and am helping Bella pick up her room. This morning she came in and asked to watch her show in my room. Sometimes she can but this morning, her tv was already on, so I told her to watch it in her room. Bella informed me she no longer liked her room because all of her toys were out in a big mess. I agreed to help. Me: Trash, trash, toy box, trash, Shopkins pile, pony pile, trash... Bella: Um, excuse me Sir, that is not trash! Thank you! I'm not sure which part I find more funny...the fact that she called me sir or the fact that it was just like a typical day at work for me!