Saturday

I am just now getting home...it is almost 6 PM. I met Debi at Lamb's Bookstore by the mall and we spent the day shopping. I bought a lot of books. Everything on sale! :) We skipped over to Walmart since we both had some stuff there we needed to get. She treated me to a very delicious lunch at Happy China Buffet, then we shopped some more at Goodwill. So today I got some kitty litter, some trash bags, some Jelly Bellys, about 6 books, a new Tommy vest and a very nice black wool pea-coat for winter.

It was nice hanging out with a girlfriend and not have to entertain the kids. Tonight the kids and I are going to the movies. We haven't done that in awhile. I want to see Jackass 2. My brain doesn't want to think about anything and Jackass promises it won't have to!

I am looking forward to reading God's Blogs and Jesus...An Intimate Portrait of The Man, His Land, and His People. I also bought Breaker's Reef, From Beirut to Jerusalem and Deception Point. I now own all of Dan Brown's books. I still like him and his books. They are intelligently written and quite masterful. The writer in me recognizes and respects that. I also bought a biography of The Rockefellers. A little excerpt from God's Blogs "...Favorite Stuff I have done: Setting the Universe up to spin like it does. That Red Sea incident, Surprise Lazarus! You're back! The whole Jonah episode. Used people no one knows o make a difference in millions of lives..."

Okay...this was a great day. I'm exhausted and I'm likely going to be even more exhausted after the movie. When I finish reading all of the books that I need to read, I promise I'll get to the one that Erin suggested to me a while back. Bitter is the New Black. Excellent title!

Oh, and Eric, while I was at Goodwill, I saw the sweetest little pottery tea pot and the inscription was written all in German! Hopefully it is still there the next time I go back. I was running out of money, but I saw it and thought of you!

Current Mood: excellent
Current Music: "Hold Me Now"...............Jennifer Knapp

Friday Night Lights

So I decided to enjoy my evening alone since my kids all have better things to do. I rented 4 movies. I bought some chocolate. I bought some food from MickeyD's AND now I am going to retire to my bedroom and wallow in self-pity! :) (FYI: When I'm wallowing, I don't eat, so please don't take that seriously!) I'm starving. And not at all feeling sleepy or depressed anymore like I was all week long! I remember on my drive home from work tonight that I just wanted to stay home and cuddle with my dog. Guess what I am doing?

I've been such a crank around the house this week! I ran into Shannon at the movie store and she was like, "Why are you here and not on your date? WHY are you so happy?" I'm so happy because nothing is better than knowing God is right there with you. Planning your next step, even preventing you from making a mistake!

I had asked God what I should do. Should I go on the date? Should I just say no for now? All week, I sort of was waiting for an answer. All week, I was anxious. I haven't been sleeping well, yet I was sleeping 10-12 hours at a time and still feel exhausted. I was getting indigestion again. 4 times just this week. I was cranky with the kids. Cranky with the dog. Gee, maybe God was trying to tell me something all week? Funny how all those bad feelings, anxiousness and lethargy have just disappeared.

Friday Night

So as everyone knows, my date was this evening. Tonight. Friday night. I drove there thinking, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this. I'm not ready. God, give me a way out. How did I get myself into this? A good attitude to be going on a date with. With each passing minute, and each passing single male prospect (6'3 my ass, I was saying, as one guy started to come closer to my car) I was getting more nervous, looking for a way out of this date.
And guess what? God is GREAT! My date never showed up. Also no phone call or anything. His shift was supposed to end at 4:30 today, so there is a good chance he's been held up with some kind of police emergency, but he would have called one would think. However, I'm not one to kick a gift horse in the mouth! God answered my prayer. I have my answer. I am not ready to date anyone other than Brian. What kind of person doesn't get upset about being stood up? A person who is still hopelessy in love with someone else!

Let this be a lesson to all of you who are headed on the Lord's path. Once you give it all over to Him, there is no turning back.

Okay, now I am starving! I've been saving all my calories this week for tonight. I'm headed for ice-cream and then hunt down my children! :) I am so happy!

Current Mood: fantastic!!! I hope he's not dead or something, though!
Current Music: Sharp Dressed Man.............ZZ Top

Sick-sense

Brian seriously has some kind of sick, not 6th, sense...so my date is tonight. He has been hitting me with a barrage of emails, jokes, IM's, etc...and tonight, he asked what I was doing...I said, "Well, the kids have a football game to go to, then a street dance and tomorrow is the parade, so I can't go far, in case one of them needs a ride." Okay, I just started talking to him again a little over a month ago, and this is my first date in like 6 months, and TONIGHT is the night he decides to ask what I am doing? He was more like, "So the kids all have plans and you're just going to sit around the house and do nothing? That is sad." I am the sad one? But I took the high road and did not tell him about the date. He is presently on a need to know basis. If I get married, then he'll need to know!

He used to do this when I was dating Flint and contemplating on getting back with him. He'd call on the nights that I'd decide to spend the night at Flint's, and the nights that I would be home waiting, he'd never call. Finally I couldn't stand the double life, so I broke up with Flint and agreed to start dating Brian again. And you all know the rest of THAT story! :)

Okay, so now I am a little nervous. I have hardly been nervous all day. Now, I am like, "Why did I agree to this?"

Oh yeah, and get this...while IMing, I told Brian I had to get going because Zach wanted to chat with his friends and Brian was like, "Ok Sweetie...chat later." I was like, "Ok, bye." THEN he comes back on and was like, "Oh sorry, I meant "Jenn".

Whatever that is about. MEN! I will never, never understand them as long as I live! Carl thinks he is just trying to weasel his way back into my life...getting his foot in the door. Claire thinks I should just "date". Apparently everyone. Just date. Debi thinks he is Satan and he is just trying to distract me. There is truth to all of their advice, I guess.

Thursday Night

Such a busy night at the center. I knew it would be. Pizza nights tend to be extra busy!

I'm exhausted. I have to work in the office tomorrow. Iona won't be there! :(
She is in Portland with her family. Her mother-in-law isn't doing well. At 97, there isn't much they can do except say goodbye, so my prayers are for her and her family.

I have to try to get out of work a little early because I have to make it to the bank and then pay a couple of bills. I'm supposed to meet my date at 6 PM and then we'll enjoy a nice dinner somewhere.

I need to go take a hot bath.

Touchy Touchy Touchy

Blogger seems a bit touchy today. Thankfully, I am not so touchy. I tried to post a comment on your blog, Eric, but like I said, Blogger was touchy...so anyway, I'm glad the boys are doing so well.

I watched 20/20 last night. It was the first time Terri Irwin has talked publicly since her husband's death. It was heartbreaking but very beautiful to watch. There are few people in this world that experience that kind of love.

I also got some reading done last night and I read some more this morning. I didn't even get my latte this morning. I stayed home this morning and made some coffee here. I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere. I have been dealing with that lately. I've just wanted to stay home.

I have to work tonight. I won't be home until about 9. I think I'm just going to make pizza for supper. Nothing fancy. Last night we had yummy Shepard's pie. Tomorrow night, I am going on my date. I'm not sure about Saturday. Debi emailed me earlier in the week and asked if I wanted to do anything. Of course, I do, but I only have limited time off and I have to cram in housework, time with the kids and errands, not to mention spending time with my dog, all in one day.

Still, I am feeling better than I have been. I really just want a few days on a deserted island with my kids, my dog, a couple of books, and enough food and water and caffeine to sustain us.

I think Amol will be leading our yoga session at work tonight. We didn't get to do it last Thursday.

I did get some cleaning done yesterday. Two loads of laundry. One today. I got the kitchen floor swept and mopped and the hallway swept and mopped.

Dreams

Again I had the dream that I have another baby. A girl. It is always a girl. It isn't just any dream that I forget about after a few hours. I actually wake up and spend the rest of the day missing the baby. Right now, I am missing the days when the kids were little. Our mornings were spent with me picking up and them watching a Disney video or Nick, Jr. My kids loved their Disney videos. They'd watch them over and over and be able to recite the whole thing. There were a couple that STILL put me to sleep. Peter Pan. The Aristocats. Bambi. Especially Peter Pan (though Richard Scarry's Busytown and the show Little Bear would also knock me out) . Peter Pan seemed longer than the rest of the videos. I'd put it in, lay down on the couch, Zach would be in his crib napping, and one of the girls would always end up laying on top of me. The other one would watch while painting or playing with Play-Doh or some other art project. I'd always nod off for about an hour. I'd wake up, get Zach up and we'd all go outside to play for a few hours and then come in and get supper ready. By then, their dad would get home and we'd run some errands or just hang out together.

I don't know if I could stand being housebound again. It made sense at that time because I had 3 little kids all under the age of four. Mike would have had to get a second job just to pay for daycare. But one more, I think I could manage. It would be different. This one would always know daycare. But this one would also benefit from almost grown siblings and be given lots of adoration and attention from them. We'd only be slowed down that first year. My kids were always very mobile and well behaved when I took them anywhere and I am making the assumption that another child of mine would behave in a like manner.

I used to have a ball when the kids were little at the beach. I could lay in the sun, close to the water and the kids would play in the sand, getting buckets of water, for hours! We went through lots of sunblock of course, but they loved it. My kids could all swim before they were even out of diapers. I have hours of video of Zach standing on the edge of a pool in Virginia. He was about 2 and he'd jump right in. Go under. Swim back to the ladder and climb out and do it all over again. They were very happy kids. And loved showing off, always competing for my attention. Mommy, look at this. Mommy, look what I can do. I have a video of Hayley when she was 3. She was looking right at the camera, showing me something she did. "I did it all by myself, Mommy. Can you believe it?" She was always the best talker, out of the three of them. Her first sentence was at about 8 months. She wasn't even walking yet. My friend Cathy was over at the house and we were eating leftover pizza. Hayley crawled over and said, "Give me a piece of pizza!" Cathy was like, "Did she just say what I think she said?" "If she just asked you for a piece of pizza, then yes," I said. She still loves her pizza and still loves to talk. The phone is glued to her ear from the minute she gets home from school.

Kayla was my shopper. From about age 9 months until even now, she always loved clothes. I'd have her in the store and would pick up a couple of outfits, and she'd be sitting in the cart and she'd just hug them to her. She wore the same dress for an entire year. I was VERY pregnant with a 10 pound baby boy and was not up to going birthday shopping for her, so I sent her and Mike out to shop, with very strict orders. "NO DRESSES!" So of course she comes back with this frilly, flowery, lacy $60 dress! She wore it over all her other clothes. She wore it alone. She wore it over pajamas. I'd wash it and as soon as it was dry, it would find its way back on her body. While looking through photo albums, Kayla asked, "Didn't you ever change my clothes? Or did you take all these pictures all in one day?" She wasn't all girly though She had a Ninja Turtle fetish. She had Ninja Turtle EVERYTHING. Sleeping bag, bed set, action figures, even birthday theme for that year.

Up until the last few years, the kids used to love it when I'd let them go skinny dipping in our pool in the evening. I don't let them now, of course, but they used to get the biggest kick out of it when they were little. They also used to enjoy waiting until I was almsot asleep on my float and then flip me over.

It all goes by so fast. Every once in awhile, I'll catch a glimpse of the little thems, hiding in their grown-up exteriors, or I'll catch a smell on one of them, that smells just like they did when they were babies. Or the real Kayla and Hayley will give up their teen angst to come out and play for a bit. I've never been one of those parents that can't wait for their kids to grow up. I've been fighting this inevitable phenomenon from the moments of their births. I can never fully enjoy the people they've become because it is always a reminder of what I have lost. Their chubby little hands clutching each side of my face, so I can only look at them. Or their arms wrapped around my neck and their cool cheeks pressed to mine, with them asking me, "Don't you wish we could stay glued like this forever?" Someday the truth of that statement will hit them full force, probably when their own little child is hugging them cheek to cheek.

September 27, 2006

I am feeling better. I slept very well for the second night in a row. I read a lot last night and a little this morning. Church tonight after work. I am feeling much more at peace than I was yesterday. I just had to be reminded where my focus is.

I'm feeling kind of down that summer is over. I am glad Zach is home and all that stuff, but I'm not looking forward to fall like I usually am. Usually I am excited about all of the hiking we do and anticipating the holidays and the upcoming ski season. Shopping in Freeport. I always do fall school shopping there and then again the week before Christmas. Today, I would love for just one more weekend in Old Orchard. Maybe it is just because the girls and I went to a lot of places this summer. We were always doing something or going somewhere. Jenkin's Beach, Old Orchard, Portland, Boston, Bar Harbor.

Okay...I need my latte and let the caffeine do its thing. Riverfest is this weekend. Homecoming, too. So Hayley has to be at the football game Friday night and then the parade Saturday morning. She is in the marching band. There is a street dance either Friday night or Saturday night and the kids will want to go to that. They go every year. I usually let them walk down if the weather is warm. I also have my date Friday night. Debi wants to do something on Saturday. Sunday is church. No Old Orchard this weekend.

The kids went apple picking two weeks ago and as usual, brought back way more than I can ever use! I think I am going to make them some apple crisp today and bake a couple of pies. The kids have been good about eating the apples, but I still have enough for about 3 batches of apple crisp and 5 pies! I'll bake them up and freeze them. Poor Zach is going to turn into an apple or at least get a bad case of diarrhea! Kayla will only eat them raw if Zach slices it for her and sprinkles brown sugar and cinnamon on it!

Tuesday Night

I'm in a funk tonight. Not sure why. Actually I am, but it is mostly lots of little things.

Just glad the night is over. I am going to watch DwtS in a bit and then go to bed and read. I made egg salad sandwiches for supper. Definitely hit the spot.

Church tomorrow night. That will help. I'm just frustrated with Brian. There are times when I can handle his ability to pretend like there isn't anything wrong with us and there are times when I can't. The only thing that is getting me through this is the grace of God.

Errands Done!

I can't believe I have all of my errands done! Tomorrow I can just sleep in! YAY! I don't have to be up for anything. Except for coffee.

I have no idea what to make the kids for supper tonight. I'm getting kind of bored of what we usually make. I have been sneezing all morning. I am now drinking a V-8.

I am still boring myself!

Tuesday

My bills are paid. At least cable and electric. Insurance will be on Friday. Now I just have to go tanning. Today promises to be a boring day here at the house. I have to do some laundry. I only ended up doing a load on Sunday.

Dancing with the Stars is on tonight! I love that show!

Okay...I am even boring myself right now!

The world wide web is quiet this morning. The news is even boring.

Dairy Allergy?

Upon eating yogurt, I get congested very quickly, with cold like symptoms. With cheese, not so bad, but I do have a hard time clearing my throat. I don't drink milk often. Skim milk does not seem to bother me in my latte. I think I love ice-cream too much to notice anything but happy cold goodness sliding down my throat. I have no symptoms whatsoever when I eat cottage cheese. No symptoms with sour cream. I used to be allergic to whole milk when I was little, but I just figured I'd outgrown that, along with my strawberry allergy. I love dairy and it isn't so bad that I can't live with the symptoms, but that might explain my trouble with my sinuses in the last year or two.

Anyway, more Brian emails in my mailbox. Nothing important. Just some pics he forwarded to me.

I am focused on my date Friday night. I'm still excited! I'm still trying to decide where to go to eat. I think we're going to have Japanese.

I need my latte. I'm watching Charmed right now. A repeat of a repeat. I have to pay some bills. Go tanning. Pick up the kids from school at 1:30. I am having a hard time getting moving this morning. I got 10 hours of sleep last night so that is good news.

Monday

Eric, I am very glad your nephews are doing well! And glad you had a safe trip down and back.

I got a lot accomplished at work today. Lots of database work and it is kind of boring to talk about, but it went much more smooth than I had anticipated and most of the hard stuff was done today. The rest of the work will just be configuring it to suit Claire's needs and the needs of the program.

I can't wait until Friday! I'm a little nervous, but that can be a good thing. I still haven't decided where we're going yet. He's left it up to me! We're meeting at 6 PM. I'll have just enough time to come home, fix my make-up and head back out the door. He always leaves little IM's or emails telling me to have a great day. Brian used to do that.

I have a few errands to run tonight, but suddenly I am feeling like I could sit on the couch all night! I knew I should have kept moving! I can always do them in the morning. I don't have to work until 3.

I'm trying to decide what to have for supper tonight. I think I'm going to let us all fend for ourselves tonight. I want some yogurt, a banana, some cheese. Just some light, easy snack food. The kids can have some soup or sandwiches or both.

Sunday Update

Okay...so the morning has started out kind of rough. The kids and I were sitting in the car and I started it and tried to pull out of the driveway and NO POWERSTEERING! Plus my alternator light was on. I was like, WTF?! The car has been running fine and I park it last night only to wake up to this? I lifted up the hood and intially I thought it was my powersteering pump. Or possibly powersteering rack. Upon further inspection, I noticed my fan belt was a bit loose. I pulled on it and out slid one end of the belt. It was broke! Not a big deal, except that this is Sunday. Thankfully, Dakota was here playing outside with Zach and said, "Hey, my dad used to be a mechanic. He'll fix it." I said, "You think he'll do it for a 100?"

So anyway, Shawn said he'd be right down to fix it. He's still working on it only because he doesn't have the right size wrench and so I sent him to the store with some money for the right wrench. He told the boys he can't take a $100 to fix the car because he said that wouldn't be fair to me. He fixes these things all the time and it isn't worth $100. An honest mechanic? I sent the boys out saying that I would have had to take a day off from work and pay my mechanic for parts and labor, he needs to accept something. So he said he'd take $20. The belt cost me $31. The wrench about$20. I also gave Dakota $20 for helping and for calling his dad.

When I was buying the belt, one of my former 8th graders, Kevin was working at VIP. We caught up a little and he was like, "I'll fix the belt and I won't charge you $100." (This was before Shawn said he wasn't going to accept any money.) Kevin was cute. He made me promise the next time I have car trouble, I'll call him and he'll fix it!

Anyway, this could have broken at any point. One of my trips to Portland, or Boston or Old Orchard. It just happens. But I thank God that it happened in my driveway! And I thank God that Shawn was available to fix it and that Dakota was over (annoyingly first thing in the morning!), and that my elderly neighbor let me borrow her Nissan Maxima (leather heated seats...moon roof...Bose stereo system...I love it when she lets me borrow it!) so I could go get my latte and the belt.

While Shawn has been working on the car, I just got off the phone with my ex. He always did my car repairs and I desperately miss him at moments like this. So I was filling him in on my car trouble and he said his boss's wife is selling her 2005 Ford Taurus for just $5000, for what she owes on it. She bought a new Jeep and doesn't need the car or the car payment. She just wants to unload it for the $5000. Mike is going to talk to his boss tomorrow and either pay cash for it or see if I can break it up into two or three payments so it doesn't wipe out my savings all at once. Depending on how that goes, Mike will drive it up and I'll pay for a plane ticket for him to fly back to DC.

Yay!!! It is fixed! I have a chip in the water pump pulley, but Shawn said the new belt will last until I buy a new car...anywhere from now until February. I have been over and over this with my step dad. Yes, I can easily afford a new car payment. But my car is giving me a minimal amount of trouble, it is inspectable, insurable, etc. A new car payment is like paying for a major car repair monthly. Until I am paying for repairs monthly or until it dies completely, I think I will just bide my time and wait for hopefully a good used car that I can pay in full. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that Mike can work out a deal with his boss. They love Zach and might be willing to make the deal so that he's in a safe and reliable car! :)

Zach is also going to DC for Christmas. He's spending Christmas day here and then on the 26th, I'll drive him to the airport and he'll spend Christmas break with his dad. His dad is also joining us for our vacation in Disney World this April. He'll meet us there. The kids will love it because Mike is a big kid, like me, and we'll have fun going on all the rides and playing at the water park.

9.24.06

I'm still not sleeping what I'd call well. Lots of tossing and turning and unable to find a comfortable position. And some indigestion.

I need my latte this morning. I have nothing big planned for today other than church tonight. I just want to relax and read. Enjoy the rest of my rainy weekend. Do some neverending laundry.

Saturday Night...Another Post

So my policeman is a state trooper in Waldo County. We're going out to dinner Friday night. We talked on the phone for awhile. He decided he should get back to work.

If someone had told me that I would someday be going on a date with a policeman, I'd have laughed in their face! ME??? My ex-brother-in-law is a state trooper and my grandfather was a sheriff, so I know HOW to do it, I just never thought I'd agree to do it! Then again, if someone had told me I'd be some kind of uber-Christian, I'd have laughed in their face, too!

A teacher and a state trooper. Could a couple be any MORE benign? :) We're both Leos, though, so boring we are not!

Supposing this works, I guess I'll have to work on my speeding!

Saturday Night

My policeman is calling me tonight while on his night patrol! How cute is that?

All in God's Hands

A confusing mix of feelings are circling my brain...round and round they go!

Brian wants to make Cassie a slideshow with music for Christmas and wants some help. I made a nice one for him about 3 years ago.

My "new friend" is busy this weekend with a local fair, but emailed when he got a chance and said he was missing talking to me. Awwwww! He also said he can't wait for us to get together next week. Me, too! I'm excited for our date! I am also excited about being excited! This feels so good and healthy! :)

I was talking to Tanya a bit about it yesterday and it isn't me that keeps changing the rules for Brian and I. When we were solidly together, I never even looked at another man. We haven't been solid for 6 months. We didn't even talk for about 3 of them. But you have to understand, Brian is the ONLY man I've said "I love you" to in 7 years. Jim never even heard those words from me. I am also the only woman he's said those words to, with the exception of his ex-wife. I'm starting to question why we're both hanging on. Is it because we really are supposed to be together? Or is it just because we're both too scared to let go?

I have prayed to God about it and I asked Him to help me forget about Brian if he wasn't the one for me. God was very quiet on that prayer request, until finally one morning He told me I needed to forgive Brian before I could move forward with Him (God). God explained to me that I had been expecting Brian to act like Him, and that was unfair because Brian doesn't know Him. I, on the other hand, profess to know Him, so God said, I had better start acting like it. If I was expecting forgiveness, then I had better be able to forgive. So I argued with God and said, "No way can I forgive him! He hurt me. It feels like he ripped my heart out." After about a week of being childish and willful, I decided to pray and ask for help in forgiving Brian. I asked and received in the same day and Brian and I have been talking ever since. I started getting very overwhelmed after talking to Brian and took a little break to spend some time with God. I prayed again, that if Brian wasn't the one for me, then please help me forget him. I really want God's will in my life. If something isn't from God, I don't want anything to do with it, even if that means giving up on Brian. No matter how much that scares me.

What I find more scary than being alone, is never feeling that way about someone again, feeling like I am never going to be excited over a date again or meeting someone who is "great, but they aren't Brian." Those are some scary prospects. So I am happy to report that I am indeed, excited about going on a date! And for once, I am excited, instead of saddened, BECAUSE "he isn't Brian!" It has increased my faith that God loves me so much and the plan He has for my life is so much greater than anything I could have imagined. This new guy might turn out to be a dud and I am okay with that. Because right now, this is fun and exciting and even if this is the wrong guy but it feels this great, then the person God really does have planned for me with be fantastic and definitely worth waiting for! :) I don't feel enslaved anymore to holding on to the past, as in the past of Brian and I. He still might be the person I spend the rest of my life with, but until I am able to let go of all of the hurt and fear of being hurt again, he and I can't ever really move forward. I guess this is a trust issue. But I don't have to put my trust in a man anymore. My trust is in God and if He says something is right for me, then it is right.

Friday Night

Not much going on tonight. I just got home from work. I'm going to run to go tanning and then grab something to eat with the kids. Tanya, you crack me up! (Your myspace email!) :)

I'm sorry to hear that Will is taking some time off from blogging!

Eric, I hope your nephews are doing okay. And I really liked your last couple of blog posts. I am proud of you and I am glad we are friends!

Today was a good day at work. Nice and quiet and laid back! Makes up for the craziness of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights at the center.

I think I am in the mood for Quiznos tonight. Something simple and then watch some movies. Tomorrow is a busy day of shopping. I am in the mood to buy some new clothes. Not that I have to actually be in a mood to do that! :)

Okay, off to go tanning! I'll blog later gators!

Animal Cops San Francisco

I'm watching Animal Planet. Animal Cops San Francisco. They had the sweetest pitbull puppy that was left on a chain in a yard and was found with its collar embedded in its neck. The woman at the shelter taking care of him has decided to adopt him! He looked just like Sierra, with the white on her chest, but he was a more chocolate brown, where she is more red-chocolate.

I'm not a big fan of little dogs as a rule, but I think Teacup Yorksire Terriers have got to be the cutest things EVER! They stay looking like little puppies their whole lives. They are like $1500, though! Someday maybe! There was one Jack Russell terrier that Sierra didn't seem to like, but she's been okay with the other dogs she's encountered, unless she is in our car and we park next to a car with a little dog. We just try to be cognizant of where we are when she's with us.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but when Kayla, Zach and I had her down on the waterfront walking, she was fine, letting people walk or jog by with her barely even acknowledging them. One homeless old man stumbled by and she started growling and he mumbled something incoherently and continued on. Then some "supercool" guy came strutting by with his shirt off, all K-Fed like and Sierra started she started growling at him! So funny! I feel very safe with her around. She generally loves people and just loves to meet and greet and then she goes back to napping, so I'm not really bothered by her recent display. I was a bit bothered by those two men because I was in the park alone with my kids and they had no business even getting that close to us, and I think Sierra must have picked up on my own instinctiveness kicking in.

Okay, I have to go grab a coffee, go pick up the kids and then go to work. I didn't get my latte today! I just wanted to sleep in and not drive anywhere this morning. First thing tomorrow morning, that is where I will be!

Thursday

So I have a date for next week! I'm kind of nervous! I haven't gone on a date with someone new since Flint. He's really great so far, though. I keep waiting for some kind of fatal flaw to show up and so far he's met or exceeded my expectations! He is a Christian! He is in law enforcement. He is 6'3! I love tall men! He has dark hair. He is very good looking. He's never done drugs. He loves animals. He wants kids. He's in my age bracket! :) He does not, nor has he ever suffered from depression. I asked! :)

It doesn't change my feelings for Brian. I am just excited about finally being excited about someone again! I was struggling with this a bit last weekend because it is a bit confusing but it is just a date. It has been 6 months since I've been with Brian. I think I'm feeling unloyal because there is definite potential with this one.

Wednesday

A beautiful dark rainy day! I love it! Don't get me wrong, I've loved the hot last few days, but today, I don't want to feel guilty if I am not outside.

I have a lot on my mind. But it is good to have some time to think about it. I am really dying to tell everyone about it, and get everyone's opinions but I need to know that this is from God before I make any further decisions about it.

I am going to get my latte in a minute. I've been reading the book of Job. I really love the books of the Old Testament that are actual stories. I don't know that I'll ever love the sections that are just purely record. I love all of the New Testament.

Church tonight. I am very much looking forward to it. Last week, I just wasn't into the crowd aspect of church. Church is great and the Bible says that where two or more gather in His name, He is there. I believe all of that, but I also KNOW that He is with me constantly. While He wants and instructs us to fellowship with other Christians, this past week, I just wanted to be with Him by myself. You'd think in a church of about 1000 regulars, I'd be able to disappear in the crowd. I'm just not one of those kind of people that blend in, I guess. God will use that to His advantage, I am sure. I run into people all of the time when I am out and they are like, "Hey, you go to Calvary Chapel. You sit over on the bleachers." We usually talk and introduce ourselves, but more often than not, I have no idea who or where they sit.

I took another day off from talking to Brian. He's part of what has been on my mind. It is weird. I love talking to him but after a day or whatever, I just feel overwhelmed, like Here we go again. Brian always jokes and asks if I think we'll look back on all of this, while sitting on our porch swing and ask each other why we ever even worried about how it would all work out? Maybe we'll reach a point where this is just too much work. I know that if God isn't a part of it, it will BE too much work. I don't want any part of it if God isn't a part of it.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Theme music from Go Diego Go.

Tuesday

I slept in this morning without really meaning to. It certainly makes up for my lack of sleep the night before last.

I'm having an okay day. I'm watching "Run's House"...smile and breathe, smile and breathe. That was a reference to the Yoga episode.

I have to go take a shower.

12,000 Miles

So Brian and I have spent the evening talking about old times. After 3 years, we have "old" times!

At first, it was just sad, but we got each other laughing about some of our moments...like when he got stung by a bee when we were on the motorcycle driving through the Adirondacks. If he hadn't driven into the bee at that exact moment and pulled over right there, we'd have missed the most beautiful spot of the entire trip!

It is so easy to get caught up in all of the bad memories and bad feelings but I have to admit, it was very nice remembering those 12,000 miles.

Still...where do you go from here? My hope, I guess, is that Brian realizes that most of his happiest moments in the last 3 years included me.

It's a Monday!

I'm home from work a little early today. There was a meeting that I really didn't need to be apart of, so I was granted the hour and a half off from work! :)

I'm going tanning in a bit, I think. Then go to bed early. I did not sleep well last night. It was a bit warm in my room and I just had a lot on my mind so it was hard to stay asleep. I woke up at about 4 and just stayed awake. I don't feel so very tired, like I should, but I am sure it'll hit me in another hour or two!

Myspace is kind of addictive in a yahoo personals kind of way. Of the probably 10 add friend requests I've had since Saturday, I've only added one! The rest of the guys were sketchy and very local. I've probably known and turned down most of them from Barnaby's anyway. I guess they are going with the reverse drink you pretty approach. I'm like, Look dude, if I didn't find you attractive when I was plastered, what makes you think that you get prettier now that I am sober? Although, I did like one headline. Reminded me of my attitude during my party days..."An awkward morning is better than a boring night!"

Today is my dad's birthday. 6 years since I've seen him. I came home to check my caller id thinking he just might have called. I think part of the reason I haven't moved yet is because I have the same phone number as I did when he left. I'm in the same house as I was in when he left.

So between thinking about him today and chatting with Brian about all the ways he used to take care of me, I'm feeling a bit emotional. A little ticked because, yes, Brian DID do a nice job of taking care of me, but if he had done at least a consistent job of it, I wouldn't be so heartbroken right now. I'm talking physically and emotionally. I can obviously take care of myself. But it is little emails like this blurb from one of his to me today..."I'm leaning back in my chair smiling and I can so vividly remember all those times....it was so much fun! That ride down the interstate in New Hampshire that night to Concord. Got you up in the room, ordered some takeout, we ate, I go down to secure the bike, come back and you're sound asleep under the covers......it was like...8 mins......you were very cute that night. :-) I worked you hard that weekend on the bike......I was very proud of your endurance...I could not have done that as a passenger."

Then again, I know this is all in God's hands. Whatever is meant to be will happen.

9/17/06

Run To You

Cute

I've been watching the Steve Irwin tribute today and I guess I'd never seen the episode when Terri has Bob and Steve picks Bindi up at school to meet her new brother. It was so cute when she was holding him and Steve was like, "Bindi, this is baby Bob." She says, "I'm going to call him Brian."
Steve: "His name is Bob."
Bindi: "I'll just call him Brian for short."

I picked up most of the house. Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. Swept the floors. I just have to wash the kitchen floor and do some laundry. It wasn't too bad anyway. Just a little cluttery from the kids' week at school. Backpacks, jackets, sneakers, band equipment.

I think I am going to buy Bisquick's Shake and Pour next time I make the kids pancakes. All you do is add some water. Shake it up and pour it on the griddle. The only mess is the griddle, spatula and kids' plates. It costs more but sometimes the convenience is worth it.

If I had a Nickel...

...for every time I heard this one: "Ya know if my teachers looked anywhere near like you when I was in school I might have went more often." (Might have went?) I'd probably have a whole dollar by now! :) More myspace ooglers sending shout outs my way. Oh, lucky me!

I have to clean up the house today. Correction. I want to clean up the house today. I need to get my mind off of some things and focused more on others. Sometimes I do my best thinking when I am cleaning. Just cranking the music and getting down to work.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: some Don Henley

Saturday Night

So I took Zach, Kayla and Dakota (Zach's best friend) go-karting. The boys had a lot of fun. They both "can't stand freaking teenagers and how they drive!" Both 12 year olds seem to suffer from go-kart road rage and I had to take them home when they called some 6'2 teenager a "dink who drives like a fag." Loudly. I looked at the boys and said, "Mommy isn't fighting this one. Time to go, boys!"

I get home and there was an email from Brian. He was down early this morning. Even stopped at Ampersand's to get a latte. He had to pick up his bike and head home for Paul's football game which was at noon today. He was like, "I probably should have called, but you stopped talking to me 2 weeks ago very abruptly. I wasn't sure what the reason was."

Anyway, for whatever reason, this week and last week have been tough for me. I really feel trapped. I love him. I want things to work out with him. Yet, the thought of his depressive lows really scares me because he pushes me out when he gets really depressed.

Okay...there are a few sketchy guys wanting to be my friend on myspace. Thanks alot, Will! :) One saying he likes, "Beer, Fishing and Women...not necessarily in that order. I like to work hard and party harder." Uh huh...what exactly about my profile suggests that I'd be interested in a 5'6 redneck that shares none of my interests? Ick!

UGH! Brian is so on my mind right now. I just want to cry. And cry. I am so glad I have church tomorrow.

Bookends

Bookends
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

My beautiful daughter Kayla

Resting

Resting
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Big Smiles from Sierra

Big Smiles from Sierra
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Check out her grin!

The Governor and First Lady of Maine

The Governor and First Lady of Maine
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

From my recent business trip to the state's capital.

Pensive

Pensive
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Saturday Afternoon

Thanks to Will, I too, have reactivated my Myspace account. Http://www.myspace.com/jennluvsgable

I will continue only blogging on this blogger site, though. It was kind of cool, though, because it gave me a chance to catch up with Charlie! He relocated to Jacksonville, FL about a month ago! :(
He gave me a cool picture comment, too, so it is clear he hasn't given up drinking! :) Just teasing, sweetie! I hope you are having a fabulous time in Florida!

I am having a grumpy day with my ex and middle child. She waited until about 20 minutes before she had to leave for her friend's party to tell me it was two towns over, which is about a 25 minute drive. Wouldn't have been a huge deal, except that I had made an appointment, thinking I was just taking her to one of her friends here in town. So anyway, she called her "Daddy" to take her, which he did because I am such a bad mother, and now I am just ticked off. He will spend the whole drive trying to convince her to move in with him. I'm also in a bad mood because Allison is here and of course she is sick and now I have to drive her to her parent's house which is a half hour away in the other direction. She keeps following me around. Even into the bathroom when I was trying to do my hair! I have this personal bubble that I like nobody to invade, especially if I am in a bad mood. Zach and Kayla want to go go-karting tonight. It is just one thing after another today. Right now, I don't want to do anything!

Okay, I'm feeling a little better.

Sierra

Well, my doggy was pretty funny this morning. We parked the car and the kids and I walked over to Ampersand's to get my latte, the girls their coffee and Zach his strawberry milk and chocolate croissant. We do this routine most every day. Sierra always waits patiently in the car. Today, we were standing in line to pay for our items and Kayla looks down and was like, "Hi Sierra." I sort of look and then we all look and were like, "SIERRA!!!" She had let herself out of the car and crossed the street, went into Ampersand's and right over to stand in line with us. She really just loves to be with her people! It was so sweet.

Friday Night

Zach was supposed to be home from Dakota's at 6 and it is almost 7. Kayla and I were not going to wait for him to go out to eat but then Allison called and said she and her mother were on the way down. So looks like I have to wait anyway.

I went tanning and got my hair cut today. Right now, I am watching 7th Heaven and am waiting for my best friend and my child.

And waiting and waiting.

Zach is home now. Just waiting for Allison. She called 42 minutes ago, so she should be here any minute.

Blogger and youtube are both being idiots. I can't get my comment and I can only watch 13 seconds of my 3 minute video...I have a google video account as well, and I am thinking maybe I'll be using THAT one!

And no, youtube troubleshooters, it isn't my computer...I am on an Macbook Pro...and yes, I am sure it IS something I did or did not do, but it isn't the computer.

For Some Reason...

Blogger isn't letting me read the comment on the movie post, so whoever posted, I have no idea what you said and I can't respond! Sorry! Maybe post to this one.

My Crazy Kids

Hayley, Zach and Hayley's friend Sarah. I make a brief appearance at the end.

Rant

I'm seriously lacking patience with people lately but this time it really wasn't my fault! So Shannon, Sierra and I drive by Ampersand's to park across the street. I notice a woman, stroller, baby backpack thingy, and toddler standing in the doorway. I think to myself "At least that train wreck should already be inside when I get there." How wrong I was. Shannon and I get to the door and she is still standing in the middle of the doorway. In or out, lady. So she parks the stroller montrosity, attempts to take off the baby backpack thing without pulling a Spears/Federline trick and dumping the baby on its head, and proceeds to move closer to the wall to discontinue blocking the line of people that have now formed. We go inside and I order my latte and buy some other assorted items. We're inside for about 10 minutes. We come back to the door to leave and I have to wait because the woman is just now getting to the inner door and is standing in that one, trying to coax her 4 year old through it. Now, if I had just encountered this lady, I may have smiled, but I'm sorry I couldn't muster one because this was doorway number TWO. She then has the audacity to give me THE look, as if to say, you just wait until you have kids. Which is when I felt like slapping THE look off of her face. Sorry lady, but I had three kids under the age of four. I also had them at the appropriate age of YOUNG. Old people should not be having kids. Or at least more than one in quick succession unless they are experienced. Get a cat. These are the middle-aged people who wait until their life is just so to have kids, they then get pregnant and run out and buy a minivan that seats 7. For one baby.

You hold the baby in one arm, you take the middle one's hand and then the older one, assuming you've actually parented the child, holds on to its sibling or walks up ahead a little. OR, heres an idea, you actually put the baby in the stroller and let big brother or big sister help you push it!!! You're in the store, not a busy street in New York City. AND look at all the time you've wasted getting the kids in and out of car seats, unloading a backpack and stroller just to cross the street? A oneway street. A not very busy street. I'm not implying I am a perfect mother or that I didn't have my own moments of running out of arms, but remember she gave ME the look. Not the other way around.

Okay, I feel better. I need to go buy some new lipstick. My beloved Estee Lauder lipstick is now no longer a stick.

9/14/06

It is now the middle of September already. I can't believe it! Next month is Halloween! The year always goes by super fast after Halloween because 3 weeks after that is Thanksgiving. A month after that is Christmas. Then the New Year and Valentine's. Then Spring and the promise of Summer.

I'm feeling better than last night. I had quite an upset stomach but I still slept good.

I work at the center tonight. Tomorrow in the office and then it is the weekend. Again! Marcus was like, "So you don't work on the weekends? You're like a normal mom?" Marcus is 11 and comes to the center when he's not grounded.

I'm enjoying the cloudy day today. It is supposed to be like this today and tomorrow. Because we have such yucky winters, I feel really guilty about wasting a sunny Autumn day. A rainy, cloudy day gives me an excuse to do nothing. I'm caught up on sleep, so I won't waste my day that way. I swept the stairs and hallway and entry way last night and washed the floor and the stairs, so I don't have that to do today. I will probably do a load or two of laundry and wash the kitchen floor and then go tanning.

Other than that, nothing terribly exciting. I've been doing lots of reading when I am not working. I do have to get my latte. It is only 8:20...ugh!

I have to pay some bills today. Cable. Phone. Electric.

Okay, I have spent almost an hour online checking email and blogging about nothing. Maybe I'll post some pics tonight. I am usually picture heavy, but not lately.

Current Mood: better
Current Music: Ring the Alarm........I hate this song. It reminds me of being on the Thunderbolt before it reverses direction.

LONG DAY!

What a long day at work! I am so glad I don't work in the office coverning phones very often. I don't know how Iona does it. It is so depressing hearing the same story, giving the same information. "We are not subsidized housing. We are not emergency housing. There is a 3-5 month waiting list. Yes, we are homeless housing, however, we are full with other people in exactly the same situation that you are in right now and you have to fill out an application and get into line like everyone else."

I am glad that I normally only have to work with the children of these folks.

We watched Dancing with the Stars last night. Zach is rooting for Emmitt Smith. I am rooting for Mario Lopez. And Jerry Springer! :) Emmitt is surprisingly very light on his feet and has a good deal of natural rhythm; however, Mario has more of a dancer's body and definitely has more hip action. Joey Lawrence has a lot of natural talent, too. Sara Evans sucked. Vivica A. Fox definitely has a personality for dancing and some natural talent as well. I loved her in Kill Bill and in Independence Day.

I have to get ready for church tonight. I'm not feeling so great and would probably do better just sticking around the house tonight, but I know I'll regret not going. Maybe not tonight, but by tomorrow or Friday. Wednesday nights really help get me through until Sunday. Plus, I want to find out what I missed at last night's Bible study. I'm sure Debi will fill me in.

I miss the lazy days of summer.

Country music is so depressing! I am not a fan of most of it. There are a few songs that I like. Kayla loves it and is constantly watching CMT or GAC. No wonder Brian is always depressed. He loves country music, too.

Britney Spears and her husband have welcomed a new baby boy. What are parents who are struggling with the responsibility of dealing with one baby to do? Go ahead and have another!

I feel bad for Anna Nicole Smith. More than usual. She really isn't very bright, so normally whenever I see her speaking in public, I just feel so bad when it becomes obvious that her dumb blonde act isn't an act at all. However, as a mom, I was saddened to hear about the loss of her 20 year old son. And just like 3 days after she had a baby girl. You don't have to be smart to love your child and I am sure she is just devastated.

Oh man, I really don't feel well. Church might not be such a good idea tonight. I'm feeling like I could puke.

9/13/2006

I have had an interesting last few days. I'm not sure if this is something that happens to other Christians or not, and I am going to ask my friends at church about it tonight, but lately, God has been speaking pretty clearly to me and answering questions but in a way that I know it is Him. For instance, I'll have a question or am made aware of an area in my life that I haven't turned over to Him and He'll provide an answer. Then, because I am who I am, I'll always ask, "was that from you, God?" The answers I've been getting from Him are clearly not things I would ever even think of conjuring up in my own brain. My proof of this is that lately, usually very shortly after I've asked if an answer is from God, I find (almost verbatim) what He told me, in the Bible or in the other books I read, or it gets addressed at church. Or I find that one of the other Calvary Chapel ministers that I listen to on the radio, will address it, giving me the confirmation that I need. Mind you, I haven't finished reading the Bible entirely yet. I am still only about 2/3 of the way through, so when I come across a verse that God just spoke to me two days ago about, it is like one of those "Whoa, twilight zone" moments...but in a good way. What I am finding is that God has been talking to me all along and when I come across a truth in a book, I literally get tears in my eyes because the same God that spoke to me about that something, spoke that same exact thing to another brother or sister in Christ and also spoke it in the Bible. For instance, the book I am reading right now, by Eugenia Price, was written in the late 1950s, and it is definitely a far-out there kind of experience to see a written transcript of a conversation I just had with Christ two days ago, in print, in the context of Him having it with another person. What warms my heart, is the proof that He never changes. The things He spoke to Paul about are the things He spoke to Genie about and they are things He is speaking to me about.

So Yeah

So much for getting anything done this morning! I went back to bed briefly, or so I thought and slept another 2 1/2 hours! I'm pretty sure I needed it because I don't have that overslept hangover feeling. That is okay, I guess. The errands can be bumped to Thursday morning. I didn't even get my latte. Now that I am up and showered and it is now noon, I will go do that, tan and then pick up the kids and head to the center.

September 12, 2006

I slept very well last night. 8 hours and I didn't wake up a million times.

Most of my bad mood is gone. I woke up feeling a bit grumpy. My week is just going to be super busy until Friday at 4:30 PM, so I think that is part of it.

Zach and I played some Atari last night. We're addicted to Breakout at the moment. We're over Pong. For now anyway.

I have so many things to get done before I have to pick up the kids from school at 1:30. Once I get the day started, I won't stop until I get home a little after 8 tonight and then the kids and I have a date to watch Dancing with the Stars. I have to miss the women's Bible study tonight because it is at 6:30 and I'll still be at the center. We have them every 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month but this is the first one of the "year". They take a break during the summer.

It is very chilly here this morning. It will be warm later but right now, it is cold.

I'm glad you got your pictures posted, Tanya!

September 11, 2006

Today was such a long day at work. The highlight was Carl's story of him capsizing in his dinghy this weekend and ruining his cell phone, only for him to make it back to land for his wife to tell him that she found her's outside wet from the rain! :) It was a cute story. Almost as funny as when Carl fell out of his chair.

I'm getting my hair trimmed tomorrow. I can't wait.

I am just so tired today.

Do you know if you hike to the top of Mount Everest, you can actually see the curvature of the world? However, of every 10 people that make it to the summit, someone dies. There are also corpses still on the mountain that are frozen in the places they died. How creepy is that?

Sunday Morning

Church was so busy this morning. The Sunday morning service is my least favorite. I go because it is a good way to get up and moving and to feel close to the Lord. The Sunday evening services and Wednesday evening services are my favorites. These are more Bible study kind of fellowships services. Not as much focus on saving new souls as in the morning services, because most of us there on those two nights of the week have already gotten to that point. Anyway, I like that church is busy but sometimes first thing in the morning, it can be overwhelming. I'm not so much a people person first thing.

Glad to know that I haven't been the only one in a bad mood! My cousin Shawna said that yesterday, she too was extremely hormonal! I had such a hard time sleeping last night. Good sleeping weather and I fell asleep with no trouble at all. My trouble is what is always is...waking up and then tossing and turning. Shawna and her husband Robby, BOTH had the same trouble last night. Robby is blaming in on the full moon. I don't know. My mood is better today and now that I am finally drinking my latte, it is steadily improving! :)

I am going to wash the curtains in my room so everything can smell like Tide and Downey. Make my bed and probaby read. Flint wants me to come down to his house to visit. Strictly friends. But Allison is over. I feel obligated to entertain at least a little.

Okay...time to clean my room.

Brian & Jenn

Brian & Jenn
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

I love this picture of us. He framed it for me for my birthday last year.

Saturday Morning

My kids are a walking disaster on this first week of school. Books, backpacks, band outfits, Zach's sleeping bag and other camping gear, socks, sneakers, flip flops...all leaving a trail. This is not exactly what my mood needs this morning. I'm not as grouchy as last night. I am crampy and it is beautiful out and I want to go hiking with the dog, but I will have this house to come home to! Normally, I would just leave it, go and have a good time with the dog and kids and deal with it when I get home, but supposing I don't want to deal with it tonight when we get back, I won't be able to deal with it tomorrow because I am so busy. I am super busy all of next week, so I won't have time again until next Saturday.

At the rate the weeks are flying by, it is going to be the dead of winter before I know it!

I am going tanning in a bit. Maybe that will help energize me.

I should probably go get my hair and nails done. That always makes me feel better.

Actually, I've been thinking about my mood and what is going on. I've spent the last two weeks talking daily to Brian and this week, I haven't encouraged any kind of correspondence, phone calls, emails, IMs, etc. I just feel like I needed to step back. There is always one speed with Brian and I and that is fast. I am serious about my walk with the Lord and that is where my focus is. Maybe I was scared that too much talking would pull me back into the uncertainty of his world. It isn't that I don't want to be there, it is just that I refuse to be there unless that is where God wants me to be. So I've taken this week off from Brian, to kind of wait and hear from the Lord, but I do recognize that he has already had an effect on my mood. Suppose Brian isn't the one for me, then prolonging our relationship is not in either of our best interests. I just can't imagine him not in my life. Even during this little break we've had, he was still a presense. My struggle comes with waiting on the Lord. I desperately want to jump in and grab the reins and fix this, but experience has taught me how much anguish that can bring.

But you know, when I stop to really think about it, I do know how much Brian loves me. I do know how much I love him. And I do know how much God loves me.

Bad Mood

I was in a super bad mood a short while ago. Not sure why. I had a good day at work. Zach is home from his week at camp. I think the last week is just catching up to me. We had 31 kids at the center last night. That is absolute craziness! Don't get me wrong, I love the kids and love having each and every one of them there, but it can be extremely exhausting! We got out of there at 8:30 last night and I had to be in the office at 8 this morning.

My minor bathroom plumbing issue is becoming a little less minor, so my step-dad will try to get to it this weekend.

Hayley has her first marching band gig tonight at the football game. I dropped her off and we were going to go to support her, but I am not feeling well at all. She understands.

I am calling it a night very early tonight.

Anyway, I'm not sure where the bad mood was coming from. I was just feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Bills to pay. Kids to pick up and drop off and a million errands to run...but my mood is better now.

I watched some 7th Heaven. Now, I'm going to read and relax.

Thursday

I have the dreaded headache now. Allison went to the emergency room with it last week. My cousin Shawna's friend Kelli went to the emergency with it last week. Zach laid on the couch all weekend, crying with this 2-3 day headache. It is just one of those headaches that you go to sleep with and still have when you wake up. My double latte dose of caffeine is helping mine. It isn't as bad as it was when I first woke up.

Allison called about a half and hour before we left for church last night and asked if she could go. I gave her the number last week to the Blessed Hope House, and we prayed with one of the pastors last night and told him everything she has been going through. Aside from being in and out of the mental hospital for trying to kill herself, she is snorting prescription medication (not her own) and drinking while taking her own medication. She is on several anti-psychotic medications and drinking and snorting other drugs is not what she needs to be doing. She is also becoming very promiscuous lately, if what she's been telling me is true. She'll be staying with me until she gets into Blessed Hope, which is a 6 month program. She is really struggling because she's been with me to church a few times over the last 3 years and she knows what she needs to be doing, but because she is literally jailed by the psychiatric professionals who do nothing for her but pump her full of stronger medication and tell her she needs to "love herself" more (which I happen to think is a crock of crap!) she is unable to make a choice one way or another. Look at what loving myself got me? I am a professional when it comes to loving myself. What Allison and the drug counselors at Blessed Hope feel is that she needs to take the focus off of herself. When she told me how much lithium she was taking because it was prescribed to her, I couldn't believe it.

What is the fascination with psychiatry? There is a diagnosis for everything. A pill for anyone who is too lazy, too busy, too fearful (you fill in the excuse) to actually take a minute to look at their life and try to figure out what hole it is that they are trying to fill. When I was in crisis, I got pills. Did they help? The pills took the edge off, but I still had an emptiness that I tried to fill with alcohol and one long string of sexual partners. The ONLY person that saw what I was doing to myself and actually loved me enough to try to help was Jim. And what did I do? I scoffed at him. I yelled at him. I told him he had lost his mind. That I didn't need HIS God, or his religion and that if he needed this crutch to get him through his little life, than he wasn't the man I had suspected him to be and I had no respect for him. I called him a hypocrite and I took pleasure in taking the Lord's name in vain in front of him because I could see him wince in pain.

I know there are some people who would say, well you don't know real pain. You don't know what I've been through. I suggest you read some of my archives. My father walked out of my life 7 years ago. This was a man who lived a functioning and seemingly happy life for my first 28 years. The last time I heard from him, he was living in a homeless shelter. My brothers talked to him about 2 years after that and he was in a half-way house but no one has heard from him since. He has schitzophrenia and other severe medical issues and I honestly don't know if he is dead or alive. Not knowing is the worst.

Funny how all of my "problems" started 7 years ago. The hard drinking began in earnest at age 27. I was never some little winecooler kind of girl. 6 Jack and Cokes every time I drank. Any more than that, and I had a hard time functioning the next day. Prior to age 27, I had only had 2 sexual partners ever. Trust me when I say, in the last 7 years, I've made up for what the world likes to call inexperience. I became the goodtime party girl and so my friends would look to me to take them out to show them a good time. And a good time we would.

The ONLY person that didn't like that me was Jim. He knew from the moment he met me that I was on the run. That I was trying to fill the void that he knew so much about. We joke that he and I are twins separated at birth by about 22 years. After he had his master's degree, he still felt like something was missing. He quit work, got a job as a bartender and partied every night, and then had after parties every night. He's told me that he was drunk and high every night for about 3 years. He slept with any woman that caught his interest. Jim is a very attractive older man, but was even more so when he was in his late 20's. Finally, one day, he woke up and looked in the mirror and said, what are you doing? He quit the bar, moved back to Philly and got a job as an assistant principal. He met his now ex-wife there, they had 2 of their 3 kids, he started working on his doctorate before relocating to Colorado to finish it and have their 3rd child. They moved to Maine, he's a professor on campus. He and his wife got divorced and he was still drinking, still womanizing and still running. Then he met me. I was someone who was running in the same direction. God got his attention before mine. God knew there was only one man or woman on this planet that I would take all this "God stuff" from. He used Jim, not only to save him, but to save me.

The last 4 months I've been really struggling with friends who want me to go drinking or back out in the bar scene. Even Brian and his friends. I don't want to be there. I go and attempt to be that old person but after one drink or so, I don't want to be there, I am not interested in any man in the place. Honestly, this is the scene:
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Me: If you can tell me one thing.
Man: Okay.
Me: What is it that you have to offer me that I haven't already experienced or felt or seen? One drink will lead to 2 or 6 and then meaningless sex and then a brief relationship where you'll suddenly look at me and say, "I've never met anyone like you." At which point I'll tell you that you clearly are into me more than I you...trust me, I know where this is going.
Man: You're a bitch.
Me: Quite likely. But you didn't see me offering to buy you a drink now did you?

I am ticking off alot of friends right now because I refuse to go out in that arena anymore. Some friends have gone quietly. Some are quite vocal in pressuring me to go out drinking. Quite frankly, that is just proof that they weren't really my friends at all. There was only one friend that offered me life. One friend that held the key to the jail cell I found myself in. I am not the person I was before and I thank the Lord that I am not the person I was.

Is this because I have newfound self-respect? Absolutely not. What it means is that I have a peace knowing I don't have to run. I don't have to fill that void anymore because there is no more void to be filled. I don't have to become some horrible person because then I might feel actually feel like I deserve the bad things that have happened to me. I can't change my parents. I can't change my past. I have no control over how I was raised. None of that matters anymore. What matters is that I have the greatest Father ever. More powerful than any drug.

Being Sick

I hate being sick. I think I might be at the turning point in the illness. When I start to get better, my body temperature usually fluctuates pretty drastically. One minute I'll fine, then I start sweating. I don't have a fever or the chills, I just start sweating out the cold or flu germs that have invaded my body.

I didn't even get my latte this morning! My dog is looking at me like, "Let's go for a run." If we're all feeling better by this weekend, maybe we'll take her hiking. If not, maybe I'll send Zach running up and down the street with her. I'm sure he'll be back to his old self by this weekend.

I missed church on Sunday and I got some emails from friends making sure I'm okay. That was very sweet. I told Debi I'm going to try to drag my butt there tonight. I haven't missed a service since April. I still went last Wednesday, so it isn't like I missed a week or anything, but I just know I'll feel better when I get back. It is kind of like missing a week with your therapist. At least that is my experience. Although it is so much better than all my years in therapy, because I like having something to take the focus off of me and my perceived problems. A reminder to be thankful for what I do have. I am most especially thankful for the freedom of no longer having to self-medicate with large amounts of alcohol or moving from one bad relationship to another. I'm not including Brian in the bad relationship category. It was never just sex with Brian. Or money. Or looks. Despite his depressive tendencies and his lacking a relationship with Jesus, both of which I've used this blog to complain about, he is full of integrity, compassion, generosity, and good morals. And for some reason, he never leaves my mind for long.

September 6, 2006

Every day I wake up, I expect to feel better and with each new day, I feel worse. I am going to the doctors.

I had two dreams last night about me having a baby. I had a girl just like the last two recent dreams. The dreams are so real and I spend the missing the baby that doesn't even exist.

Two more days until the weekend.

I caught up with some of the world news today. It is kind of disturbing that there is more news covering Steve Irwin's death, Jessica Simpson's vocal cords, Rosie replacing Meredith on The View and the new pictures of Suri Cruise than there is coverage of the pyscho that is running Iran. Not that I'm not reading the entertainment news, because I do. I think our obsession with our celebrities is how we continue to delude ourselves that we're untouchable in the US.

Zach didn't call last night to come home, so that is a relief. He sometimes has a hard time spending the night away from home. Dakota just lives down the street, so Zach just walks home if he gets homesick. He's in a cabin with 3 of his best friends and high school age counselor, plus some of his teachers and his principal are there. I've just been a little worried because he was sick all last week and very sick Saturday and Sunday. He didn't start really feeling better until Monday.

Hayley stayed home today. She has the cold now. Kayla went to school. She has a little bit of the cold, but she doesn't have allergies like Hayley, so her immune response isn't as severe as Hayley's is right now.

We were so busy at work tonight!

I am suffering from viral conjunctivitis AGAIN! I still have medicine left over from the last time so it should be under control within 24 hours or so.

Cassidy and Courtney came by for a visit at the center tonight. They moved last spring, so I only been able to see them a few times since then. Charity came by tonight. She's been at the center since it opened and she is now 17. She stopped going after I first started there because her family moved to Old Town. She was pleased that I still remembered her. She is going to Job Corp down the street and I let her go through all of the pictures we have. We have 1000's of photos and I've taken out pictures of the kids I recognize and if the ones that I don't know, or don't show up anymore, I have stored in a big box, hoping someone like Charity will come and want some. These pictures mean more to her than me and we have doubles and triples of most of the photos anyway. She is going to try to come down and help with the little kids when she can.

The rest of the regular kids showed up tonight. Ryan is my little shadow. He lives with his dad and 4 other brothers. He is the baby of the family and just eats up all the girl attention from me, Kayla and Hayley. Michael is his brother and the next youngest and when he's not picking on his brother, he is my other little shadow.

We had a new student show up tonight. Her name is Samantha. She's probably 11 or 12. She lives in Cassidy and Courtney's old house. It is funny how they circle the center and watch all the other kids playing, but play real shy...then they start circling closer and finally when they are within earshot, I always introduce myself and the other kids and let them know when they can come to the center. By next week, she'll act like she's been there forever and fit right in with the rest of them.

We had pizza tonight at the center for supper. The older kids are all excited because I reminded them that Halloween will be coming up next month and they need to get a move on with their Haunted House downstairs. The new kids didn't go to the Halloween Party last year, or see the Haunted House, so they are super excited. The other kids have been filling them in on all the years past. I leave the haunted house pretty much up to them. The older kids did such a good job last year. I was so proud of them!

As miserable and sick as I was today, the kids really made me smile tonight. They are just so excited about being at the center with each other and it was so cute when they got off the school busses today. They couldn't wait to tell me about their first day of school and show me all their new school clothes. It is really like having 22 more children, but in a good way. I am really lucky to know these guys!

Current Mood: sick but great
Current Music: Lean On Me

Tuesday

Zach is off on his trip. I'm sure he'll have fun. He'll be back on Friday.

My eyes are so dry and irritated right now. I think some of the reason is because of the antihistamine I've been using. It is one of the side effects. I did not sleep well last night. I've been up since about 4 AM.

I could use a couple more days off. I am so glad it isn't Monday! That would be the worst! To be feeling like this and have it only be a Monday! Tomorrow is Wednesday and then I'll have two more days until the weekend!

I don't have to be at work until 3 today, so I should probably take a nap, but I'm afraid I'll wake up more groggy and even less apt to want to move.

I'm Alive!

Maybe it was because I've spent the entire weekend secluded in the privacy of my own home or maybe I am just sensitive to over-stimulation because I've been sick. Maybe I've just gotten used to the "regular" crowd in my town and not the new and old college students who don't know where they are going, or maybe there just really have been a lot of jackasses out today, I am not sure, but I am going with the latter for the purpose of this post!

One would think it is Christmas Eve the way everyone is out shopping. Parents yelling, kids crying because they aren't getting the right kind of clothes, pens, books, backpacks...yadda yadda yadda. Okay, if you don't have enough money or you're on a budget, I suggest you do not bring your kids shopping with you! Or at least warn them in the car. For the love of God, save the rest of us from having to hear you berate and yell at your child in public because you can't afford a $20 pair of jeans!

I wasn't on any kind of budget today, so I decided to go and have fun shopping with my kids. We picked up Allison and headed for the mall. The kids were already all set on clothes, because we did that earlier this summer and took advantage of better sales than what J.C. Penney and Filene's are offering up as their Labor Day sale! I did get a very nice crocheted bikini on the clearance rack for $10, but I digress. So anyway, back to no budget and having fun...we bought pens, pencils, folders, binders, calculators, book covers, notebooks...I found Zach his stupid mummy sleeping bag, because he couldn't just use one of our regular rectangle sleeping bags for his camping trip...I bought a cute sweater, a white snap shirt and the bikini for me...3 new books, kitty litter, new flip flops on clearance, a new pair of slippers...then thinking about that stupid commercial today, I was in the mood for Toys R Us. I figured that would be the one place on earth we could escape the back to school crowd. Who in their right mind would be shopping for toys when they needed school supplies? I found heavenly peace at the toy store. The girls and I got Suduko key chains and we bought a very nice game of Bunco in PINK and in a tin and Zach got some new Sea Monkeys and a new Sea Monkey city. We moved on to Petco and bought Zach's snake a mouse for supper.

Labor Day traffic is the worst! If you are driving some kind of RV montrosity, and you proceed to use the passing lane, PLEASE do above the speed limit. Not only will you actually PASS the vehicle you are trying to get around, you won't tick off the extremely long line of traffic behind you! Better yet, just stay in your slow lane and drive the limit. Drive under the limit, I really don't give a crap. There needs to be a whole separate lane for dumbasses, truckdrivers, old people, inexperienced drivers and rv drivers.

Okay, I am sort of better now. I am munching on some kettle corn with Sierra. Kodi hated popcorn and Sierrea loves it. This little trip shopping has taught me a lesson. I am doing my Christmas shopping next week. I am getting it all done. So then I can sit back and enjoy my holiday season.

Most Disgusting EVER!

I just saw a commercial for the most disgusting toy EVER! A Barbie doll with a pet dog. You push the dog's tail up and down and it takes a crap. Small drops of toy crap come falling to the ground. The toy also comes with a pooper-scooper and a excrement bag.

My kids don't even like taking care of their REAL dog in this way, so Mattel thinks they'll want to pretend to do it?

I'm sorry, but when my sister and I were playing with our Barbie and Ken dolls, we never had them perform mundane things in our Barbie mansion. Barbie and Ken had a lot of sex, but they never tooks craps and neither did their pets! Our imaginations never took us there, so why must Mattel?

Happy Labor Day!

We are all feeling so much better. My eyes feel very heavy though. It is taking a lot of energy just to keep my lids at half-mast, so after all of our shopping is done, I am definitely taking a nap!

As promised to the kids, we dined at Pat's for breakfast. I have been eating at this diner for most of my life, as have my kids. Zach has been ordering "The Big Breakfast" since he was about 4. He has yet to get past the super-size homeade Texas toast, before he gets too full to eat his 3 eggs, 4 slices of bacon, 3 large pancakes, homefries, and juice. It is a little joke now after all of these years, between Zach and the waitresses. He studies the menu like he'll actually order something different this time.
Zach: "I think I'll have the Big Breakfast today."
Waitress: "You're sure Zach? It is an awful lot of food."
Zach: "I'm feeling extra hungry today. I know I can do it!"

Five minutes later, the waitress returns with his juice and milk. About 5 minutes after that, she returns with his two HUGE slices of homemade Texas toast, which he eats promptly. Next, she comes out with 3 eggs, 4 slices of bacon, homefries and pancakes. Zach eats an egg. Puts syrup on the pancakes. Ketchup on the homefries. He eats the bacon and puts his head on my shoulder. He looks up at me with the same eyes of his 4 year old self. "Mom, I'm not feeling so good." I pick at the pancakes, Kayla takes some homefries and mumbles something about all of us trying to get her fat, and Hayley grabs an egg.

The advantages of living in a small town for most of your life are little scenes like this. I remember eating there with my friends before a high school homecoming bonfire. Then again, on my date with Tim that turned ugly when my good friend Kevin came in and had a few things to say about Tim's bad behavior. Talking over fries and gravy with one of my best friends, Josh. Hangover breakfasts with Stacie and whichever random guy she happened to hook up with. Being high with a bunch of friends during Bumstock Weekend and sitting in a booth just laughing, with the waitress asking if we're on something. Lots of birthday parties, aftergame (college Hockey and football) parties, end of semester get-together celebrations.

This diner never closes. It has regulars, college kids, alumni visiting their spot, people looking for directions on how to get out of Maine...a kind of Hotel California experience for some...it is a known local fact, you can't get out Maine the same way you came in. You sort of spiral in and give up trying to get out. This diner doesn't close in snowstorms. It stayed open with generators during the Great Ice Storm. It is the place to go if you need information about something. Stephen King spent a lot of time there during his college years in Orono.

The booths still have the coin jukeboxes at the far end of each table. They don't work anymore, but Zach still flips through the songs anyway. "Mom, were you alive when Ace of Base or Salt n Peppa were groups?" That week of the Top 20 countdown is forever frozen in time.

Current Mood: thoughtful for a Monday
Current Music: Chasing Cars........Snow Patrol

And Still More Movies

You've Got Mail...Gangs of New York (Daniel Day-Lewis looks an awful lot like Timothy Hutton and Peter Gallagher)...Robin Hood: Men in Tights (Zach LOVES this movie)...Ella Enchanted.

I took a little nap. My nose is drying up. My eyes are red and itchy, though.

Karen wanted me and Zach to babysit tonight, but I am still sick. Zach is just starting to feel better. He's bummed because he hasn't seen Madison all summer, but we'll have to take a raincheck. I'm a little bummed, too, because my girl is in kindergarten now and I wanted to see her. Karen did tell me that Bailey and Crystal are in the same class.

The last time I babysat, the girls and I heard a noise, so we went to investigate...Bailey was hiding behind me and pipes up, "You know, I still remember your Brian." Like, by saying this, the danger would pass. Brian thought that was cute when I told him about it last week. We had a laugh because Bailey calls him my Brian and Brian's nephews, Grant and Will, still call me his Jenn. It is funny how complicated adults can make things like love.

Zach is definitely getting his appetite back! He asked if we could eat at Pat's for breakfast tomorrow. But of course. Sounds good to me. We have to go shopping tomorrow. The kids need some binders, pens, pencils, highlighters, paper, etc. and Zach wants a new sleeping bag for his camping trip. They have some nice ones on sale at Dick's. He wants one of those mummy ones.

This has been such a lazy weekend. One more day! :) This was actually just what I needed. If anything good can come out of being sick, getting rested up and spending some good family time sure is. I've tried real hard to not think about what I was doing last year on this long weekend. Brian and I had a very romantic bike adventure crossing over Lake Champlain on the ferry, riding through the Adirondacks and staying in Lake George and Glens Falls, spending the next two days in Mystic, CT and Providence, R.I. and some little Joe Dirt country fair in Mass. Okay, so much for not thinking about it.

Zach is singing, "Don't Ya Wish Your Girlfriend was Hot Like Me"...glad he is feeling better.

Okay...I need to pee.

9/3/06

More movies...late last night was Back to the Future...one of my all-time favorites. That was after Merlin's Apprentice. Today has been Scream 3, Road to Eldorado, and now Stepmom.

I didn't go to church this morning. This is the first Sunday morning service I've missed since April. I'm going to the evening service tonight, but Zach was up on and off last night and I just couldn't face getting there by 8 AM this morning. Zach spent all day yesterday puking. I was really nervous and was almost ready to take him back to the emergency room. He is still complaining of a very bad headache. It was bad enough to make him cry all day yesterday. This morning, I made him get up, take his penicillin, some Tylenol and then some toast. After about an hour, he felt much better and has seemed more like himself. He ate some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls and a small bowl of oatmeal. At least he has his appetite back. He's watching Chronicles of Narnia in my room right now.

My cold is much better. I just have a lingering runny nose. Nothing a few Puffs Plus can't handle.

9/11 is quickly approaching. It seems like that was a completely different life ago. Not a lifetime. In length of years, it feels like it happened yesterday.

My son is so weird. His favorite show is that Showtime Knife infomercial. 3 easy payments of $13.33. I pay 50 bucks a month for cable so we can watch infomercials!

This has been a really good Sunday. A nice lazy day. The kids want pork tenderloin for supper. Last night we had Shepard's Pie. With the fall season, comes back my urge to cook warm cozy dinners. We spend the summer eating out, bbqing or dining on salads. I DO love Fall and Winter, I just wish winter didn't last so darn long. Last winter was so mild compared to winters past, and I still started going stir-crazy. I think that was lack of activity. I didn't ski because we didn't have much snow.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Ain't No Mountain High Enough

TNT

I took a bath today...shaved my legs...went tanning. Zach started puking. I think it is because of the antibiotics, but we'll see. I ran to the grocery store and bought some snacks for the girls and I. There have been good movies on TNT all afternoon. All three of which, I own, but I wouldn't have bothered putting them in the DVD player today. First was The Craft. Right now is The Haunting. Next is The Gift. We were going to go shopping today and tonight, but like I said, Zach isn't feeling great. My cold sucks, but in a cozy I want to stay home, read and watch movies kind of way.

Saturday Morning

It is Saturday morning. I slept very well last night, so I am grateful for that. This cold is knocking me on my butt. I'm feeling much better today than I did last night, that is for sure.

My kids are all sleeping in. Rarely am I the first one up. Zach is usually up watching cartoons! He leaves on Tuesday for Science Camp. The entire 7th grade spends the week at Branch Lake.

Something kind of weird happened while I was sleeping. I was awakened with this very strong urge to pray for a friend of mine. I'm not going to say who and I'm not sure why I had to pray, except that I had to, for them and their family.

Friday At Last!

Okay...maybe it's not my allergies as much as I have a cold. My sinuses are clogged. I'm ordering the kids a pizza and getting into bed. I'm even going to forgo tanning tonight.

I had a dream I had a baby last night. It was a very realistic dream. I think it was because I watched the episode of ER when Carol had the twins. It was a girl.

I am currently watching Charmed.

I actually did my weekly report today ON TIME! :)