Halloween Night

I have made a decision to never go on a first date or do anything significant on a holiday (excepting family and close friends) AGAIN! I think Halloween night has been ruined for me. Three years ago, Brian and I had our first date. I haven't talked to him since the 12th.

Anyway, it has been a pretty bleak day for the most part. It is pathetic to let someone have so much control over my heart. I just want to be over it already. I want to be happy again. I want to be happy WITH someone again. BUT...the few times I've tried, like my recent attempt at that date with the statetrooper, I just knew it didn't feel right.

It isn't even Brian that I miss so much. Don't get me wrong, I miss him, but what I miss more is our long walks. Talking all night on the phone. Biking all over the east coast. Having someone put an extra coat on me when we'd walk in the snow. Having someone pull me back when I'd lean over the railing too far over the river. Having someone tell me that they loved me so much they'd trade their life for mine without even thinking twice. Having that comfortable silence in the car, just listening to the radio. Knowing almost as much about someone's life as my own, the good and the bad. Having someone pull over to the side of the road all of a sudden just to kiss me because I looked really pretty in that moment and he just had to. Having someone sing to me when he thought I was sleeping. Having someone play with my hair all night when I was sleeping. Knowing exactly what they're going to say before they say it.



Current Mood: really ready for God to fix all of this
Current Move: The Punisher

October 31, 2006

I'm feeling much better after my shower and my latte. I also had a yummy oatmeal raisin/orange cookie. They were just coming out of the oven when I was getting my latte. It definitely hit the spot.

Last night for supper, the kids and I cooked some cut up boneless chicken breasts and then we put that in some low carb wraps with some baby romaine, asian seseme dressing (which was a bit spicy), so crunchy lo mein noodles and some mandarin oranges. It all tasted yummy. I'm not sure what we'll have tonight. I'm kind of in the mood for some lasagna. I can't imagine the kids putting up much a fight over that choice!

I'm really not in the mood to go trick or treating but Lexi is pretty excited. Twenty years ago, I was taking her dad (my younger brother) trick or treating.

The kids will be home in less than an hour. I have to run uptown and pay my car insurance.

Next weekend, I'm going to have to officially start my Christmas shopping.

Happy Halloween!

I'm going to try not to think about tonight being the anniversary of my first date with Brian.

I slept good last night, which was what I needed. I like the nights when I don't wake up through the night. I have today off which is also needed. I plan on taking it easy today and tonight, we're taking my niece Lexi trick or treating. Depending on the weather and how I am feeling, I might take the car and wait in it while the kids bring her to the doors.

The accordian sounds like a good idea, Will. As long as you know Smoke on the Water so Zach can accompany. (That is the only song he can play on guitar.) Of course, I'm partial to the aquaggaswack. Hearing that music always chases away my cold!

The kids are definitely appreciating the extra hour of sleep in the morning. Amazing what an hour can do.

I can't believe how close to Christmas we are. I would like to skip all holidays this year. Except for Christmas morning with the kids. The day after Christmas, the girls and I have to drive Zach to Portland. We have to take Zach to the airport. He'll be spending the week in DC with his dad. The girls and I will have fun, though. We'll go shopping after seeing him off and they can spend their Christmas money.

I should probably go take a shower. I have been online for almost two hours and I have nothing to show for it.

Monday

My cold is getting a little better. It has moved down to my lungs. Now I just have a cough. I also still have a fever.
My brain is fuzzy.

October 29, 2006

I'm feeling a little better. Or I should say, my symptoms have shifted, so the ones that I had are getting better, but now I have others. My stuffy and achey head has turned into a running and sneezing one, with a raw nose from blowing my nose so much. My throat isn't as sore, but I am still talking like Jessica Rabbit. My fever and chills have turned into sweaty hot flashes. I'm still dizzy and feel like I am going to pass out if I stand too long, but I at least made it from my bed to the couch today.

Yesterday when I wasn't sleeping, I watched The Lake House and the new Omen. I didn't read at all. My head and eyes hurt too much to focus on anything smaller than a tv screen.

I Feel Like Crap

I think I am dying! It is amazing how quickly the flu comes on you. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and congested sinuses. Because of those symptoms, I hadn't slept well so I was tired and achey, too. By Friday afternoon, I was considerably worse. I didn't sleep at all last night. Today, I slept until 2 PM and got up for a bit before going back to bed. I have the chills. So much for not turning my furnace on until November 1st! I turned it on today. I also took a hot bath. I probably shouldn't have because I'm sure it raised my fever, but I was soooo cold. I feel like my 6 year old niece is sitting on my chest. Okay, I have to go back to bed.

Party Success

The party tonight was a huge success. I am so glad that Halloween is only once a year! I got all of the food done yesterday, so today I just had to set it up and get the games ready. We had about 50 people total show up. The haunted house was even better than last year. The older kids were very proud of themselves.

Right now, I am exhausted. Clean-up wasn't too bad because there was no food leftover! The kids ate it all. I was home by 8:30.

Tomorrow night, I am taking Zach and Dakota on the haunted hayride. We had so much fun last year. Out in the middle of the woods with no lights. College kids with chainsaws dressed up scary, jumping on the haytruck.

Fate or Faith?

A few months ago, I remember I was driving in my car on State St. in Bangor. I can't remember where I was going other than it was sunny and in the afternoon. I have often thought about Jim and what that relationship was about. In retrospect, I can see God's hands in all of it, Him using Jim to witness to me, to get me to church, to bring me home. I can also remember what I deem the fateful (or fatal, depending on my mood) move on my part. The move that put the end to the romantic relationship between he and I. Up until that drive on State St., I have always thought, "What if..." What if I hadn't said what I said, what if I hadn't met Brian when I did, what if I prayed with Jim all of those times he called and wanted to pray with me and I thought he was nuts. What if this was all left up to free will and I had made the wrong choice. Had I messed up God's plan?

See, when Jim and I were seeing each other, and I was struggling with the decision to accept Christ, Jim met someone else. She also goes to church with us. I wasn't going to give him up without a fight and I used the fact that he and I had had a sexual relationship to my advantage. I completely talked him out of this relationship. I met Brian, and this other girl married someone else and then Jim married Joyce, who had never been his first choice. During this drive, I was feeling very guilty. Had I messed things up for everyone? Denise and her new husband seemed happy. Jim and Joyce seemed happy.

There have only been a few times in my life when God has spoken seemingly audibly to me. This was one of those times. He said, "Do you really think anything you can do can stop My plan or change My will? Who put the thoughts in your head to say what you said to Jim? Who do you think put Brian in your path that night?" What a huge relief that was for me! Everything had happened like it was supposed to. I may have interfered, but I didn't have the power to change anything.

Do any of you remember those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? You are reading the story and are then usually given a few choices. Depending on which you choose, you go to a different part of the book to finish the story. However, it is all written from the beginning. I think that is kind of how it is with our lives and how God is the author of our life. It is already written. There are some choices we can exercise our free will, but the Author determines which decisions are intricate to the Master plan. In this case, it would read like this, "If you want to go on the date with Brian, turn to page 4. If you want to continue to see Jim this weekend, turn to page 5." Either story line meets up again on page 10 with the wedding of Jim to Joyce. It is that way with those of us who get saved. Jesus says, "My sheep know my voice." It didn't matter so much which decision we made because Jesus had already written our stories. He already knew who His sheep were.

When I think about my story already being written and knowing that I am just a character and not the author, all of the pressure is off. The outcome of my story does not depend on me making the right choice. It depends on the Author and the Finisher. There are decisions I can make and they lead down many roads. Some of those roads are easier than the others. I've learned that the easier ones are often the ones in which I let the Holy Spirit lead. When it is not easy, and I've been led by the Holy Spirit, then I know it is to prepare me for something coming up. It is to make me stronger.

The way I see it, I can leaves things all up to fate and blindly stumble from one coincidence to another, or I can just have faith that my story was written long before I even existed and there is little I can do to alter that story, and I can stop already. I can stop with the second guessing and stop with the obsessing. God called and I heard his voice. God knocked and I opened the door. The rest is history. Or His Story.

"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would afterward receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he sojourned in the land of promise as in a foreign country, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with him of the same promise; for he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God." Hebrews 11:8-10

Thursday

Jim sent me a prayer request this morning. He's going on a 3-week mission trip to Honduras and Nicaragua in December. He is helping build a new church for Calvary Chapel Honduras. He wrote, "I’m writing to ask that you pray for this missions trip, that God uses each one of us in a way that helps those in need, gives the boldness to preach the gospel that many would be saved, and for our safety."

Soooooo, if all of you would join me in this prayer request, that would be great.

Ken wasn't preaching last night. He's off again, doing his thing for the Lord. Of course, last night's sermon was all about the call to forgive. Which would have been helpful like 2 or 3 weeks ago! :) Then again, affirmation has never hurt any one. In fact, when I am going through something and the Lord really speaks to me about it, it is often reaffirmed later in church or on the radio. To me this is proof of God's little miracles. There is no other way I'd have this knowledge if He didn't give it to me. We all know how I normally do things or think about things, so when I start thinking or doing things in a Godly way, you know it isn't by my own means.

The Halloween Party is tonight. I got all of the food and snacks done yesterday. All I have to do today is set up for the games and put the food out. The kids will have a good time, but honestly, I'll be glad when it is behind me.

I rented the movie "Click" last night. It was surprisingly good! I love Adam Sandler anyway.

Okay...time for my latte.

Wednesday

More weird dreams and memories. I learned my lesson last week and will NOT be talking to AJ. I have no idea why he's been in my dreams lately. I also dreamt I lost my toothbrush!

At work I have to get the snacks ready for the party. We're having pizza, chips and dip, stuffed celery with peanut butter and some with olive cream cheese. We're having macaroni salad and some cookies. I think that will be enough. I'm going to do most of that work today and then tomorrow, we'll just have to set up and get the games ready.

Right now, I need to go get my latte and go to the bank.

I haven't heard from Felicia. Maybe she'll be at church tonight.

October 24, 2006

We had fun last night. My grandmother appreciated the company. We played Bunco and about 6 games of Skip-Bo.

After I got home last night, I had two calls on my answering machine. One from Allison and one from Felicia. They were both upset. So I called Allison back and talked with her about the stuff going on with her. I tried calling Felicia back at the number she left and some guy answered the phone and was like, "Felicia won't be answering this phone again. She doesn't live here anymore." So I asked if he had a forwarding number and he said he had no idea where she was. She had called me from that phone less than an hour before that. Anyway, I still haven't heard from her. I was hoping she'd call back from a payphone at least. I just checked the caller ID again. She called at 7:37 PM and the kids and I were home by 8 PM. I'm praying she at least was able to get in touch with her mother. Her mother kicked her out a few years ago and she stayed with me for a couple of months when she was pregnant. For awhile, it looked like her mother was making an effort to help her out, with rides at least, but the last time I saw Felicia, it was about a year ago and she and her son were getting ready to move to Boston with her new boyfriend. I'm guessing that was the boyfriend I talked to last night.

Felicia goes to my church, or did, and her mother is supposedly Christian as well. Her mother is one of those types of people who are very judgemental and even if you are her own child, if you screw up, she writes you off. Felicia's brother has been in and out of jail. In my opinion, if "Mom" was truly a Christian and had done such a bang-up job raising her kids, they wouldn't have found themselves in the situations they have. Anyway, back when Felicia was about 17, her mother kicked her out, and so she was couch surfing. She stayed here at first for a few weeks, but then I found out she was having sex here with her then boyfriend and that really wasn't acceptable with my kids around. So she left, and then we found out she was pregnant. She came back and she and Josh found a place to live. She was working and going to church again. Josh did nothing but sit around and smoke pot, although he watched the baby so she could work. Josh beat her up on more than one occasion and I'd go and pick her up and Josh would be in jail. The minute he'd get out, she'd take him back. Finally, one night when she came home from working, the baby was acting funny, so she took him to the hospital. Josh had beat the baby and he was arrested and put in jail for about a year. They took the baby from Felicia for putting him in a dangerous situation. To Felicia's credit, Josh had never shown any signs of aggresion toward his son, only to her, so taking her baby away was a bit extreme, in my opinion. So for her to get the baby back, she had to live in sort of a half-way house with other single moms and with adult women counselors for a said amount of time, until she could prove she could handle being a mom on her own. My friend Jill was one of the counselors that lived there a few nights a week. Felicia did what she had to do, graduated high school and stayed working. She got a place for her and the baby. I saw her at church pretty frequently and she'd call about once a week. Things were going pretty well. I ran into her last year at Dunkin Donuts and Zach and I hung out with her and Andre (her son), who was a very tall, healthy almost 3 year old. He was more than half the size of her. She is a very tiny 5 foot tall girl. That is when she said she was moving in a few days to Mass with her boyfriend. I hadn't seen or heard from her since, until last night.

So everyone keep her in your prayers. Pray that she gets a phone call to me or at least to her mom. I would hope that in a dire emergency her mother would try to help, but I am not completely certain. Pray that she is reminded about how much God loves her and that He will always provide a way out. She just has to ask for it.

Anyway, other than that it is the same old stuff around here. I am just finishing my latte with a snoring dog by my side. She is seriously getting annoying when the kids are around. She has to be right next to me on the couch and paces and whines and sulks if one of the kids gets there first. I have to pick up the kids at 2. Head to work. Come home and go to bed. Start all over again tomorrow.

October 23, 2006

I didn't go to work today. I called in sick...why? Because I am sick! :) I had a bit of an upset stomach. I'm feeling much better now. It is a nice cozy rainy day.

When the kids get home, we're going to run to the grocery store, make a quick supper and then to Grandma's house we'll go. I already promised her we'd visit tonight, and even though I am not feeling the greatest, I know how much she looks forward to our visits. We're going to play Bunco and have some snacks. And later tonight, we're going to watch Halloween 1 & 2. Monday nights are really the only time I can find in my schedule to have a nice visit. I can squeeze in a few minutes here and there and I do if she has errands, but as far as quality visits, Monday nights it is.

1:30 PM

This has been a pretty boring day. I ran a few errands this morning, but other than that, I've just hung around the house, watching MTV most of the day. I caught up on all of the Laguna Beach episodes that I've missed. All that did was make me miss summer and being on the beach even more!

Season 3 of The OC goes on sale on Tuesday! I can't wait!

I have a huge bruise on the back of my leg. I hurt it the other day, but the bruise is aching so bad right now.

I wish my life was more exciting than a bruise!

Did I mention my 9 month old niece is walking? She was so cute yesterday. They're headed back to CT today. Kayla is spending Thanksgiving with them there.

My house smells good right now. I have my candles burning.

October 22, 2006

Yesterday was a good day. I went to Debi's and we ran a few errands. We didn't get any of her laundry done, but we had fun anyway. After, I just hung out there and we looked at pictures and talked for a bit. I went to my paren'ts house after. My grandparents were there, my sister and brother-in-law, both of my brothers, my sister-in-law and all 3 of my nieces, plus my kids and my aunt and her daughter. At least I got my visiting all done at once. Everyone left and then my kids and I just stayed and visited with my sister, parents and niece.

I am going to clean up the house a little today. It is in pretty good shape right now, but I can do some little things. The kids did a really nice job this week keeping things picked up.

A Quick Blog

It is Saturday morning. I am sitting here with a towel on my head. I just got out of the shower. I have to head over to Debi's in a little while. I woke up this morning wanting to do NOTHING but stay in bed, but Debi will be going to church naked pretty soon! :) Plus, I know once I get up and moving, I'll be glad I didn't stay in bed all day!

The rest of the day, I'll just play it by ear.

Okay, I have to finish getting dressed and ready.

Waiting for Pizza Guy

I ordered the kids a pizza. I think I am just going to munch on some nachos. I'm not really in the mood for something heavy like pizza.

Hayley is doing the dishes right now. Kayla swept and washed the floor. Zach is just being Zach and flipping back and forth between Nick and Disney channels.

My sister is coming up from CT tonight. I wish I had more energy to go visiting. Actually, it is more like I wish I had more patience for dealing with the traffic to go visiting.

My mother is making lasagna for supper tomorrow.

Okay...now I think I am done blogging.

Friday Update

So it's Friday. I got a TON of work done at the center. A lot done for the Halloween party next Thursday.

I also got an email from AJ. He didn't tell me how he was doing or anything. All he asked was "Are you married to Brian yet?" Thankfully, it was an email I don't feel guilty about NOT responding to! He knows that any talk about Brian or Brian and I, is off-limits.

Nothing else too exciting going on. I have to go grocery shopping and maybe go rent a movie. Tomorrow will be very busy. I have to get the kids to mom's and then go to Debi's and then do laundry with her. After that, back to Mom's and then maybe dinner out with Debi and Jolean if Debi doesn't have to go to Winterport. If she does, then I'll have supper at Mom's and spend time with my baby niece.

Okay, I have to pee. I'll blog more tonight!

Thursday Night

This has been a busy week. I think it is all finally catching up to me...like most Thursdays. I really wish we had women's retreats twice a year. I could use a few days away with my Bible and some of my girlfriends from church.

I got grape jelly on my white Ralph Lauren jeans tonight.

I'm headed to bed. It is only 8:30, but I will read and relax a bit.

I hope you all have a great night and great day tomorrow. I won't get a free minute to blog until probably tomorrow night.

And....

And yes, Tanya, I have a tattoo and a belly button ring. :) I read your comment on myspace. Your's too, Will. Thank you! :)

More News

Also at church last night, Eric and Matt shared about their mission trip to Sudan. It is hard sometimes to not be envious of how God uses certain people. I mean, there is so much going on in the world and some of us get stuck in our small towns, where it is so much easier for us to get very self-involved. The fact is though, that God can and will use us even in our small towns. Still, it is easy to envy the ones who are clearly and visably reaping fruit. John White was our guest speaker at church Sunday night. This man is a rugged 60ish year old Firefighter for Christ from Los Angeles. He had some amazing stories about saving lives and saving souls and a lot of stories about 9/11. He lost 350 of his brother firefighters that day. He was very funny and charismatic. The thought that keeps reverberating in my head right now is when he said that sowing God's seeds can be a lengthy process and that sometimes we are the person that just plants the seed and that it will be someone else years down the road that will be the one that reaps the fruit. Sometimes we'll be the person that reaps the fruit. The fact is you don't always know whose life you are touching and how you are doing so.

Eric (at church) is going back to Sudan for 2 years. I'm happy that he is hearing and answering God's call, but at the same time envious and sad that he is leaving. He isn't leaving right off. He said he has some "major" things to take care of around here and back in California. I am going to miss him for more selfish reasons. Mostly because I like how our eyes always seek each other's during various parts of the service and I always draw great strength from those little private looks. I find them very encouraging as I'm learning how to walk with the Lord.

October 19, 2006

I'm glad Will's life is getting back to normal.

Last night at church, Marc was back. He is one of the pastors that minister to the guys in the 7 Oaks program at church. Anyway, he has leukemia and I am pretty sure he's been in remission, but I'm not sure of all the details prior to him being hospitalized about 2 weeks ago. He's a pretty big, muscular, athletic guy and is so enthusiastic about his faith and getting saved after wasting over 40 years of his life on drugs and alcohol, that I remember being shocked to find out he was sick to begin with. Anyway, he went in to the hospital a few weeks ago having a heart attack, which was attributed to his spleen dying, which was attributed to his leukocytes (?) being down to around 14,000. He said they removed a baseball-sized lymphnode under his arm. They started chemo the beginning of this week and everyone at church has kept him in prayer. We had that special service on Sunday, when the sick (body, mind and heart) were being annointed with oil and two pastors got sent over to the hospital to be with Marc.

So Marc got out of the hospital at 3:30 PM yesterday and was at the service last night. He talked with the church about where he's at physically and emotionally. He said as long as there is breath in his body, the Lord isn't through with him yet and that sometimes the Lord forces you on your back so you HAVE to look up. He also said his doctor told him as he was headed out, that his leukocytes have blossomed miraculously since the last time they were tested.

Other people were invited up to share how the Lord has been working in their lives. Services like that are needed sometimes to be reminded of all the little miracles that God does every day. It is easy to get sucked into a negative cycle, especially when things aren't going the way you want them to. And another miracle...Eric and Erin's nephews are home from the hospital after being born premature. He said they appear to be very healthy and normal and now just need to eat and fatten up!

Wednesday Night

Well, I haven't heard from AJ, so I hope everything is okay. I'm not so sure now that trying to get a hold of him was such a good idea. I don't know that I want to open up any can of worms. Hopefully, he'll just shoot off a quick email and let me know things are fine.

Church was great tonight. I love Wednesday nights at church. Sunday nights, too.

Okay, I'm going to head to bed. I need to catch up on some reading. I didn't get an opportunity to do so this morning because of having to help hunt down my neighbor.

Weird

The day is still kind of weird. Ever since that dream this morning, AJ has been on my mind. I couldn't shake the feeling like I should check in with him, so I finally sent him a message. I'm just waiting to hear back. I guess it has been about this spring since I last talked with him. I had asked him if he had sold his Jeep and that I was interested in buying it from him. We caught up briefly, but I could sense he was down, and I just didn't want to rehash any of our "stuff" at that time, especially with everything I had on my plate with Brian. The last time I actually saw him, Brian and I had just gotten back together the last time, and he pulled into the driveway to show off his new sportscar. We sat and chatted in the car, and he was almost in tears then, as I recall. So anyway, maybe there is a reason I had the dream and he's been on my mind this morning. I'll find out.

October 18, 2006

Very interesting morning. I was sleeping in, having a dream about visiting AJ for the afternoon, and I went outside for a second and noticed Sierra was running around playing with Jack (AJ's dog), except that I left Sierra home in her kennel...so in my dream, I was like, "Why the heck did Brian bring Sierra here and drop her off? The kids and I can visit with AJ and the boys if we want!" Anyway, next thing I know...BANG, BANG, BANG!!!...I was awakened by some banging on my door. I get up and it is my neighbor's daughter-in-law, Marge. She was all upset asking when was the last time I spoke with Dee (my neighbor). I mentioned that she called last night while I was at work and I was too tired when I got home to return any calls. Well, when Marge got there this morning, Dee was missing. Marge comes over every morning to give her her medication. Dee can get forgetful and they're worried about a possible overdosing. Soooo when Marge got there this morning, Dee's purse was on the table, her car/house keys were on the counter and Marge still had her pills. No jackets were missing and it appeared she was still wearing her nightgown. We looked all over the house for her. We called her Life Alert and nobody had recorded any calls coming from the house. The cat had been fed, though. Finally, the local hospitals were called and we finally found her. She did call her life alert and she was picked up by an ambulance this morning and nobody knows who dropped the ball and didn't contact immediate family members. It was a weird way to wake up this morning. Not to mention the whacked out dream I was having.

Work was fun last night. At work tonight, we're only open 3-5:30 PM, but we're going to have a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament. Can't wait! I love this game. I've only played 5 games and I've won 4 of them. All the kids at the center call me Yu-Gi-Oh master. So we're going to have a quick tourney before I have to head off to church.

Tomorrow night, I have to work. Friday night, I think I'm going to hang out with the kids. Saturday morning, I am dropping my kids off at my parent's house, going to Debi's to help her at the laundromat, then back to my parent's for a quick birthday dinner/cake/ice-cream for my step-dad. Play with my niece Gracie, who just started walking at 9 months old! :) And then go out to supper with Debi and Jolean. Jolean doesn't get out of work until 5...so Debi and I will give her a chance to unwind and relax a little and then we'll go out to eat. I think I am going to leave the kids with my parents just because they haven't spent much time with them and it is good to just have some girl time alone. Debi, Jolean and I have similar relationship problems and we all have teenagers, although Debi and Jolean are in the beginning process of the empty nest and I will be facing that soon enough myself. Sunday will be church. And then we're back to Monday! :)

Current Mood: really good
Current Music: Stop Draggin' My Heart Around..........Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty

October 17, 2006

My week is moving along. We went to Shawna's for a couple of hours last night and had some cake. It was nice to visit.

I don't have to work until 3 today. Hopefully the kids rememeber that I pick them up today after school. I like to remind them in the morning and they never woke me up this morning to say goodbye.

It is chilly in my house this morning. I guess fall is here to stay, with winter soon to follow. I have a feeling this winter is going to be a long one for me. Summer went by much too fast this year.

October 16, 2006

The birthday party at Shawna's is tonight. I'm looking forward to the cake and ice-cream. I had a very nice day at work today. I am signing Zach up for karate lessons. I am hoping this will absorb some of his energy and help him with his focus skills that will then lend themselves to help with his organization, or lack thereof.

I am in an exceptionally good mood. It feels good to smile again and it feels good for that smile to be genuine. I didn't even get to have a real latte this morning! I had to settle for a regular coffee.

I will hopefully have a new volunteer at the center tomorrow and 3 new kids. I'm looking forward to working with them all.

Hmmm...nothing else too exciting going on, much to my great relief. I have no idea what to make for supper. I don't think cake and ice-cream qualify as healthy dinner food. I'm sure the kids won't mind.

Current Mood: great
Current Music: That's So Raven

Sunday Night

I am so glad I went to church tonight. Everyone prayed for me for God to give me strength and to heal my heart. Ken annointed me with oil and was actually chuckling about what is going on with me. Not laughing because I am in pain or anything, but because the Holy Spirit is obviously at work in me, convicting me and the way Ken sees it, if I am feeling like this, it is a GOOD thing. If this was all easy then I wouldn't be doing it right. Yes, God's burden is light, but there is an ongoing struggle within your soul, for your soul, and that isn't easy or fun.

To illustrate this point, I will remind people of how I USED to deal with heartache and pain. If I was going through then what I am going through with Brian right now, I would have immediately called up all my friends and gone on a nice bender with the expectation of hooking up with another guy to take my mind off all of my present trouble. I would not be crying. I would not be feeling any of this. I would not be talking to God. I certainly would not walk up in front of the entire church to receive prayer.

I sincerely invited the Holy Spirit into my life last May during the women's retreat. I was baptized in August. That person I was is dead. It can be hard to remember that when you're life is falling apart, even if it just feels like it is. That is when the bad thoughts can grab a hold of you. "What are you doing? You've lost your mind. Go out drinking with your friends already and put this huge mess behind you. Go find the most gorgeous man you can and hook up with him and throw it all in Brian's face. You know who you really are. You can't be a Christian because you've screwed up so many times. Look at your life! God doesn't use people like you." Except that I sincerely invited the Holy Spirit to come into my life. Going out drinking is like taking Jesus to the bar. He is in me now.

My friend Eric (from church) came back tonight from his mission trip to Sudan. It was nice to see him. We didn't get an opportunity to talk and that is probably a good thing. Right now, I am a mess. Not only is Jesus preparing me for someone, He is preparing me for SOMETHING, and if I can learn how to stay out of the way, this remodeling job would go much more smoothly.

It is so weird. I feel as if the last week were a really bad dream, a nightmare, and I am finally waking up. I actually feel back to "normal"...the normal I've been the last 5 months.

Tomorrow night, I am going to my cousin Shawna's for cake and ice cream for Shannon's 19th birthday party. Wednesday will be church. Debi and Jolene want to go out Friday or Saturday...kind of a lonely hearts club that we've started at church! :)

October 15, 2006

We had an okay last night. The kids and I went to Allison's new apartment after my thing for work. We all went to the mall and hung out for awhile.

Today I am just feeling sad. I knew it was going to be one of those days the minute I got up. It is now 12:30 PM and pretty much I am just counting down the hours until church tonight. At least I should find some respite there for a bit. I should have gone this morning, but I didn't even wake up until 10:30.

Jenn & Alex

Jenn & Alex
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

I pretty much just stayed out of the way this evening. I did a little mingling, but spent most of the time with the kids. I'm not really a hardcore liberal, as I don't have hair on my lip, armpits or legs and I think you need hair in all three places to really fit in!

The Artists

The Artists
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

The artists that painted the mural. They were the ones written about in the article. The artist on the left is Robert Shetterly, who took time away from his book tour to be at the dedication. His book Americans Who Tell the Truth is on shelves now.

Saturday Morning

I slept great last night. Went to bed at a reasonable hour. 10 or 11. Slept solid until 8 AM. I got up, took the kids and Sierra to Ampersands. I want to blow off this open house and take the kids hiking in Camden today, up Maiden's Cliff, BUT I'll do the responsible thing and go to the dedication.

I'll take some pictures of the kids and the artists. And the mural.

I have no idea what to wear to this thing. Kind of chilly for a skirt, although, it will be inside and the center does get stuffy with a lot of people. Then again, Claire will no doubt have the door open so she can go in and out because she is a smoker. I'm going for working casual. Normally, I wear jeans or khakis to the center. I need to be comfortable with the kids. Staff days give me a chance to dress up a little, if I'm in the mood.

Maybe we'll go to the mall or something after. It gets done at 6 PM. Or maybe Border's.

Still Confused

If you read my archives starting in February 2005, Brian and I were just starting the process of getting back together.

It is strikingly similiar to my last few entries this week. Including one chilling one in which he and I talked on the phone for 4 straight hours. Much like our Monday night phone-a-thon. Almost verbatim. It appears that nothing has changed. Or has it?

What has changed is me.

What I'm not confused about is my relationship with God. I'm really okay, guys. I know some of you have been worried. Trust me, I have never been so scared for me, either. I was worried that I could talk the talk about God, but could I really put all that talk into action? When push came to shove, could I simply let Him handle everything? I have found such peace in the Lord, I was nervous that I would lose that if I couldn't get through this. If anything, my relationship with God is stronger.

Current Mood: excellent
Current Music: I'm Still Standing

Finally Friday!

I have no idea what to make for supper tonight. I am thinking cheese tortelini alfredo, with frozen peas and diced ham.

I have the mural dedication to go to tomorrow. I think Carl and Iona are bailing! I don't blame them. I wish I could. At least Amol said he'd try to be there.

I got a lot done at work today. All my reports are done. The center got cleaned for tomorrow. I made 3 different dips. Got the platters ready. Cheese and crackers. Hot cider.

It should be fun.

Thursday

I'm feeling pretty good this morning. I slept very well. Almost 10 hours. My headache is gone for now. I have to pick up the kids at 1:30 and then head to work.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday. I will be glad when this whole week is behind me.

The good news about all of this extra stress is that I've lost the 7 pounds I had gained this summer. I'm grateful I'm not one of those people that eat when they are stressed out. I'm the opposite. I can't eat.

Brian has been emailing pictures and jokes for Zach. It all has this very surreal effect, like everything is all normal if you're looking at the surface. I know he is making an effort to make things right. Like I told him, actions speak louder than words and it will all just take some time.

I was sent this in an email this morning. "We walk by faith, not by sight... while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen." 2 Corinthians 5:7; 4:18.

I was also sent this by my friend Terri. "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

I was talking to my kids last night on the drive home from church. I told them all that there is not one thing they could ever do that would make me stop loving them. That is the most true statement that can be made about my life. They can disappoint me, they can make me angry, they could maybe do something so terrible that I may never want to see them again, but I will never stop loving them. There is a freedom in that for my kids. A freedom to struggle, make mistakes, to find happiness, to choose their own paths. My love is not conditional. I have a greater understanding of the unconditional love God has for us all. It is funny though, that the one commandment that Jesus left us was "to love one another." Do I really love unconditionally, with the exception of my children? NO! Even my love for God has been conditional at times. It is certainly easier to love God when things are going my way. It is easier to love people when they do what I want.

It is funny how you go through the same things over and over until you figure out what you were supposed to learn the first time. In all of my struggles with Brian, or with Jim, I would always turn to drinking and going out partying with my friends and I would move on very quickly to another relationship to dull the pain. This time, I turned to God. He's not about dulling the pain as much as helping you through it.

I do look at other relationships and think to myself, "There is no struggle there. Their relationship is easy and that is how love is supposed to be, right?" For most people, I think relationships are easier than the one I have with Brian. I know that. But in my whole life, relationships have always been easy for me. I've always had a boyfriend, I've always even had a back-up guy in case things weren't working out with the 1st guy. When things have gotten tough in the past, or I've gotten bored, I've bailed. In every relationship I've ever been in. Except with Brian. I think I've made it clear to God that I'd like to bail, but He's made it clear that there are things I need to learn before I can move on to the next step. What I was (and am still kind of) scared of is that I'm going to go through all of this and then God is going to take him away. My love for God is still conditional. I'll only do this forgiveness thing if You promise that this will work out the way I want it to. I need to have faith that God's plan is better than my own.

So for anyone who is praying for me, pray that God strengthens me to have faith in His plan. That God will grant me the courage to leave it all in His hands. That I will truly be able to love Him unconditionally all the time. Not just when it is convenient for me. Pray for the world, while you're at it. The North Korea situation isn't going to get better. Pray that the people who are on the verge of coming to Christ will do so quickly. For those of you who are in Christ, make sure you're right with Him. For those of you who aren't, I wish there was something I could say to change your minds.

Grace and Peace

I went to church tonight. The first half of it, I was a crying mess. I have a wonderful church family there and I was honest with them about God's recent call for me to forgive. They didn't tell me anything I didn't know, but I needed to be reminded of it. I can live without Brian, I can live without my kids. I can't live without God. God is my strength.

God is calling me to forgive Brian and to be an example of what true love is. We talked for FOUR hours about God and about how much he needs Him. I'm sorry if I implied somewhere along the line that this is it for Brian and I. I'm not saying we're getting back together anytime soon. But I do know if this was it, I think it would be easier to forgive him. I am battling me right now. I could say I forgive Brian and get back together with him, but we all know that it won't work unless the forgiveness is sincere. I also know that I can't forgive him without the Lord's help.

All of those cycling thoughts I was having were not from the Lord. As soon as I acknowledged that, they stopped. I can do this. I can get through this...but only because the Lord does not make mistakes and the Lord does not fail. When I was baptized I was filled with the Holy Spirit and God doesn't let Himself down. Therefore, I can not lose. Brian and I will be fine, whether we're together or not.

God is gracious and faithful and I witnessed Him use me to bring Brian closer to Himself. It was sort of like Jesus gagged and duct-taped my mouth shut during that 4 hour call and He did the talking for me. I just sat there watching the whole thing, thinking "Why did You just say that? We don't want to hear his apologies. God, you're on my side. Cut him UP with our double edged sword please and thank you!"

What this has taught me is that I am now painfully aware that I don't deserve God's forgiveness or mercy or graciousnes; however by accepting that forgiveness, I am under contract to forgive . It is also easier to forgive people or praise the Lord when things are going great. What kind of Christian example is that? My heart may have been broken, but not my spirit or my faith. With God's grace follows peace. Please know that I am sleeping easy tonight, resting in my Lord Jesus Christ.

Hurt and Confused

Do you ever get stuck in the cycle of having obsessive thoughts just swirling around in your brain? I just can't get the thought out of my mind that I wasn't good enough for Brian. That Brian thought I wasn't good enough for him. Who sleeps with someone not good enough for 3 years? So all of those times when I thought we were having fun or bonding was him just pretending to love me because secretly he felt all along that I wasn't good enough.

I will be the first to admit that I needed to be knocked down a peg or two. I just feel like the last 3 years were a lie. Even when we were breaking up, I still had the memories of what we had. Now he's even taken that from me. What was the point of telling me?

News Article

In case you all missed it. My picture was in the paper yesterday along with the article about the mural unveiling. Here's the link...

http://www.bangordailynews.com/news/t/lifestyle.aspx?articleid=141601&zoneid=14

Now Comes the Anger

I'm not sure if this is a step in God's Path to Forgiveness, but it feels good. I guess I can be angry without acting on that anger.

Yesterday, I was just sad. Today, I am very mad. Now I am rhyming like Dr. Seuss. Is there no end to the madness?

I guess what I am going to do is write a little note to Brian...one of those little psychological ploys in which you write a letter and never send it. Kind of like a blog! So here goes,

Dearest Brian,

You suck! I don't hate you. I don't want any physical harm to come your way. You just suck! I'm not exactly sure who was supposed to have been helped by our conversation last night, but I'm putting my money on YOU! I'm so sorry these last few months have been so hard on you. I'm sorry that you couldn't ride your motorcycle as much because it made you think about me. I'm sorry that your best friend died and that the ONE person you had hurt the most, was the first person to call and make sure you were okay. What makes me the most angry is that God wants me to forget all about that. He wants me to be patient. He wants me to be kind. He wants me to hope. He wants me to forgive you. Pause here, I need to talk with the Lord...talk amongst yourselves.

[ THAT is my mission Lord? I don't get to feed starving children in Africa? Or get arrested and face martyrdom unless I denounce you as my king? I don't get to write a great book that brings thousands to Christ? What I'm hearing is that the mission I'm getting is to forgive f**kface? That's the mission. That's IT?]

Okay, so yeah, God has just reconfirmed that He indeed does want me to forgive you. You who don't deserve it. You who used me to make yourself feel better. You (to your good credit) who has finally woken up to the fact that I am the best thing that has happened to you in a long time. You, who threw my love away with both hands. You, you, you! Me, me me. That is the reason I don't get to help the world. Because of YOU. Because of me. I've been too wrapped up in this little drama to be of any good to the Lord. Do you know what it is like to have your father leave and not hear from him for 6 years? Only to confide all of that to your boyfriend and then he turns around 3 years later and exits the scene in the same fashion? You couldn't have been a little more original? Only by the grace of God did I get through all of that, only for you pop back in my life because you're sorry. You know you made a mistake. Do you know what my mission is? Do you know that God is calling on me to act like Him? Acting like Him isn't feeding starving children. Or getting arrested and being martyred in His name. Or writing a great book and bringing thousands to Him. He doesn't NEED my help. The creator of the universe doesn't need my help. Now, there's a humbling newsflash. He wants me to forgive because I expect forgiveness. I don't deserve it. I used Him to make myself feel better. I, to my good credit, have finally woken up to the fact that HE is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I threw His love away with both hands. And He forgave me. He has welcomed me back with open arms. He has wiped the slate clean. He doesn't sit around waiting for me to screw up again. And I did that with you, Brian. The last year we were together, I just sat there waiting for the next ball to drop, waiting for the screw up. I never truly forgave you. Because forgiving you would be admitting you hurt me. And it all comes back to my stupid pride. If I admit that you can hurt me, then I become vulnerable. Which is exactly where the Lord wants me to be. Not like a sitting duck, kind of vulnerable, but an openess so that not only can I give love, I can receive it.

I don't think I am so mad at you now, Brian. I think I've moved on to the acceptence phase.
Jennifer

October 10, 2006

It is weird how stress can throw off my immune system. I woke up with a fever, headache, chills. My face is pale. Of course, crying all day hasn't helped. Just when I think that I can't possibly cry anymore, I find that I am wrong with that assumption. I think I have cried more last night and today than when Brian and I actually broke up. It feels like my body is throwing up on the inside. It is hard to explain the feeling but all of the stuff that has been underneath the surface is coming up and God wants it to come up. It is like He is dealing with all of this once and for all. I allowed the flood gates to be opened and there is some major remodeling going on inside. I know when this is done, I'll reach a new level of peace.

I read Teresa's blog today and she talked about a sermon she heard this weekend about people hiking a mountain. Some got halfway up and found a comfortable lodge to hang out in and decided to stay there. The rest hiked up to the summit and achieved greater satisfaction and a better view. I got very comfortable this summer. God let me rest but really wanted me to reach the summit. It is mind-boggling that in my comfortable state, I was praying to forget about Brian if he wasn't the one for me and all God said to me was Forgive Brian. No mention of the forgetting part like I wanted. If I could just forget about him then there would be no work. I could just stay comfortable. The mind-boggling part is that with those 2 words, God was preparing me for this moment right now.

God wants me at that summit. His plan for me, should I accept it, requires that I reach that summit. And anyone who has hiked a mountain before, knows the last stretch is the worst. You want to give up. You have second thoughts about your ability to make it. It actually reminds me more of being in labor. I've reached the transition stage; the point where you're fully dilated though you don't know it yet, you feel like you want to puke, runaway, go to the bathroom, die, eat ice chips, only to then spit the ice chips out because you don't know what you want. For me, transition usually lasts for a few panic filled 15 minutes or so. You can't push yet. You're hot and cold and delirious with pain. Stapling things to the doctor's and father's testicles seems like a grand idea.

That is exactly how I feel right now. I want to run. I'm hot and cold. I'm emotional. I want to throw up. I can't eat. I'm exhausted from the fight. All God can do for me right now is hold my hand and let me lean on His strength. As a parent myself, I know there are some things that my children need to go through on their own in order for them to learn a lesson or to prepare them for adulthood.

Tuesday

Last night was the most strange night I've had in a long time. It is almost like I dreamed it all. I did not sleep for long, but the 3 hours I actually slept, were solid. I honestly wasn't planning on being awake right now. I talked with Brian on the phone for 4 hours. We haven't done that in many months. I am always amazed at the ease of our conversations even when what we are discussing is anything but easy.

He confided that he only put 5000 or so miles on the bike this summer, compared to the 11,900 we did together. That his heart just wasn't in it. He tried to do the toy run but left early because he didn't feel right being there without me. He told me on two separate occasions friends of ours (Peggy and then Gayle) made almost the same comment to him about a month apart..."You're missing Jenn, aren't you?" He admitted he was, but was also painfully aware at this point at how bad he had hurt me and our chances together.

I guess I am feeling that this is all better late than never. I admitted to him that I had been more angry with myself than him, that I was so angry that I told him I loved him, that I let him hear that. He told me to never apologize for my feelings.

I know he is sorry and I know he would change things if he could, but I also hope that he understands that this needed to happen. It wasn't fun. I hope times like that in my life are few and far between, but I have grown so much. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have gone to the women's retreat and I wouldn't have met Rosemary Galatin and I wouldn't be as close to the Lord as I am now. My children woudn't be walking as close to the Lord as they are now. It scares me to think that I would have just stayed comfortable in our little "Brian and Jenn" world and not had to seek new friendships. By us being apart, we have both sought the Lord in ways that would not have occured if we had stayed together.

So anyway, like I said, I don't know what the future holds for Brian and I. But can you imagine the mess I'd be in now if my date HAD worked out?

Forgiveness

It is late. I need to write to unwind so I can find some sleep tonight. I have been a mess the last few weeks, especially the last few days...peaking today. Let's face it, I've been a wreck since starting to talk to Brian again and since God laid it on my heart to forgive him. Forgiveness is hard for everyone, but especially hard for someone with as much pride as I have. God was pretty clear that if I expected forgiveness, then I must be willing to forgive.

I want God's will in my life and I've been trying to decide if Brian is part of His plan or if Brian is part of MY plan. I've prayed for discernment, for wisdom, for patience, for HELP! Please God, if Brian isn't the one, help me forget him. All I heard was, "Forgive him."

Part of talking with Brian again was knowing that the inevitable was going to happen. Knowing that I'd have to hear the reason why he left. Why he broke my heart. Fess up time, as Brian calls it. Part of the reason that I've avoided talking to him at times, especially after we start getting close again, is because I'll have to endure "fess up time". I didn't know if I could handle that on my own one more time if it wasn't from God. If God said, Brian, it is fess up time, and Jennifer, you need to listen, then of course, God would get me thru it. But I am good at orchastrating such moments and calling them "from God," which is where discernment comes in. To avoid acting out on my own, I have avoided Brian.

Like I said, I was quickly going downhill. Not back to any of my wild ways, but pulling away from God. Pulling away from Brian and my friends and the public. I just wanted to hide and stay asleep and my prayer of late has been, "Jesus please come back soon...I'm done with all of this. None of this is fun anymore. I can't do this." All because I was avoiding the talk. Bearing my soul to Brian one more time and being vulnerable to someone who has hurt me deeply in the past. I have been scared. Scared because I've come so far and I can't go back to those feelings and that sadness. God got me through all of that and I am just happy to be on the other side, so I was hurt and confused that God would put me back in the line of fire again.

I had done nothing but cry all day, cleaning my room, staying holed up in my room. I knew if I went online, Brian would be there. I knew he wanted to call and that tonight was going to be the night. It is funny how God prepares you for stuff and tells you He loves you and will not leave you through any of it, yet you still fight it all the way. Like I did today. Finally, tonight, I said, Okay God. I'll talk to him. Please stay with me. Soften the blows. Give me strength. Be my strength.

Sure enough, after some small talk, Brian says, "Okay fess up time. You may or may not have noticed that I kind of disappeared rather abruptly last February." (Gee, I missed that.) "Well, truth be told, I backslid to a place that was worse than even right after the divorce. I shut everyone out. Not just you."

Anyway, he worked through that, went on his bike trip that he and I were had originally planned to take together. Meanwhile, he ran into a friend from high school. She was going through some cancer treatments and whatever, so they started talking more frequently. Anyway, she asked Brian to tell her all about me and when he was done, she said, "Okay, if she is so great and wonderful and you love her, why aren't you together?" Brian told her it and consequently told me, that he didn't think he could ever get over the fact that the girls have a different father than Zach. That that was not how he was raised or the type of person he thought he'd end up with. Months ago, this would have broken my heart, but none of these thoughts are new to me now, I had often thought the same thing about myself prior to going to that women's retreat at church. There I discovered that it doesn't matter the choices I made in my past. Through God's love and mercy and grace, He has been able to turn all of those bad choices into wonderful miracles. I can not do something bad enough more than He can good. What matters is where I went from that point on. Turn it all over to Him, let Him hold me and comfort me and heal my broken heart and let Him guide me down a path that is safer. That doesn't mean that bad stuff won't still happen. It just means that if I am going through something hard, it is because there is a lesson I need to learn, and I am never alone. Anyway, Janet I guess chewed Brian a new one and hung up on him after saying that he's an ass and does not deserve me.

Because God had already given me the heads up back in August to forgive Brian, when I heard all of that, I was able to put my own pride and hurt feelings aside, and just minister to Brian and tell him how much God loves me and loves him and I told him about what God had told me about forgiving him. About how I argued with God and said "ask me to do anything for you Lord, but not that. I don't want to forgive him." At this point, Brian began crying and said that a few weeks ago, he was in Bangor and rode back to Presque Isle with his cousing Robby and Robby asked about me. Brian told him the same thing he told Janet. Robby told him the same thing except in a nicer way than she did. He's spent this last few weeks thinking about what he put me through and feeling like the biggest jerk in the world. He cried tonight and said if he could take it all back and do it all over differently, he would, that he would never have taken me for granted or treated me unkindly. God said to him through me, "But then you would never have grown or learned anything and neither would I." To which Brian said, "they are all right, you are too good for me."

I also fessed up about the date that almost happened and confided in him that I just wasn't ready and how happy I was when God got me out of it!

God knew I needed some closure. There is no future for Brian and I unless we can move on from the past. I need to forgive him completely, which I think I have. Brian needs to forgive some people and let go of some baggage from his past, too.

So I don't know the big plan yet, I don't even know if I want to. I do know that fighting God on certain things is really just me making things way more difficult than they're supposed to be. The bottom line, if He can make it so Brian and I can live happily ever after, then I'll be most happy, but His will be done. I only want His will for my life. Even if that means I'll be living happily ever after with someone else, or happily ever after with my dog and many cats.

I have such a bad headache right now. So bad I think I may puke. I just took some tylenol. It is a major stress headache. I'm overtired. I'm wound up from going through the wringer with Brian. Please know, God was there the whole time. His presense was palpable. I could literally feel his warmth as His arms embraced me through all of it. Thank you, Lord. Thanks for putting up with me and loving me.

Happy Holiday!

I'm cleaning my room today. Not just making my bed and straightening up, although I did have to do that, too...I have so many bookshelves in my room and they all collect a lot of dust, so I'm doing that horrid job! It has to be done every once in awhile, but dusting really stirs up my allergies. It is easier on my sinuses to just let the dust lie than to stir it up! I think the worst of it is over.

I'm not sure what I'm going to make for supper. I have to think about it. Probably Shepard's Pie. Or chicken stew.

Okay...back to work. I'm weeding through clothes, too. Super fun!

October 8, 2006

I'm not feeling well this morning. Nothing serious. Just very crampy. It usually only lasts for a few hours and then I'll be fine.

Right now, I am watching The American President.

I took the dog out to go pee and noticed that the kids really did do a nice job picking up the yard. All we have left to do is the pool.

Last night, it was just Kayla and me. We had chicken caesar salads and cheese breadsticks from Angelos Pizza.

I am so glad I have tomorrow off with the kids. Sierra is in heaven having me all to herself this weekend. She and Zach have this little game that I don't even think they notice playing. He'll sit near me on the couch and no matter how small the space, Sierra will squeeze in between us. If she is the one on the couch, he'll squeeze in between us. By the end of the evening, I have one of them half on me. It isn't really a jealousy thing. They both love each other. If Zach is laying on the couch, Sierra is usually laying stretched out right beside him.

I clipped her toenails yesterday. I'm getting pretty good at it. Sierra is the type of dog that will put up with a lot and that makes me nervous [for her] because I would hate to hurt her. And I'd hate to hurt her and have her just put up with it. So when I first started clipping her nails, I just did a little. I do know not to go too far down the nail because dogs have a vein in their nails, and so I haven't made that mistake yet.

She'll be 4 in March. I'm trying not to count years like, "Okay, she is going to be 4, so we probably have another good 9 years left before she enters old age and doesn't want to do much but sleep..." I just know how fast it goes by. Watching my kids growing up and losing Kodi last January has really made me more conscious of it. Even though I was devastated to lose Kodi, it was a good thing that she didn't have to suffer anymore. I understand that, but I've put all of my love for her and my missing her into Sierra and now I've created this monstrous co-dependent relationship and I just want to keep her with me forever.

I really wish I was already settled into a different place and job, where I won't have to move again for awhile because there is the sweetest 2 year old male dog at the shelter named Simmons. He is a bit bigger than Sierra and is brindle and white, but I know she would love to have him as her boyfriend! He would be a great addition to our family and I think Zach would enjoy having another male in the house, even if it is a dog, but until I know where I am going to be and for how long, it would be unfair. It will be very difficult to find a place to live as it is with one dog. Two would be next to impossible unless I buy a house. I don't think I'll be buying a house for at least 6 months after relocating so I can make sure which neighborhood I want, etc. As it is, I am fully prepared to board Sierra if I can't find anything right away. I'll spend the days with her and board her at night. Outside of Maine, it is next to impossible to find an apartment or condo to rent that doesn't have breed restrictions. This is so frustrating. She is the most gentle and well-behaved dog and everyone who meets her is just blown away by her. Okay...enough dog bragging. I just love her cute little face.

Current Mood: good
Current Movie: The American President

October 7, 2006

It is noon and most of the cleaning is done. The kids weren't too happy to start off with, but we shut the tv off and once they started moving, it got done very quickly. I think we'll finish winterizing the pool and that kind of stuff on Monday. Tomorrow, I don't want to do anything but relax and go to church.

Hayley and Zach are spending the night at my brother's tonight. I'm not sure if Kayla is staying home or going to the movies with her father. I think she is waiting to see if she can talk me into taking her to the mall and out to eat for a day of shopping, or if she has to talk her dad into it!

I'm going to take a little break and then start on another load of laundry and clean my room. There actually wasn't as much to clean as I thought. It was mostly just putting things back in their places. I did dust a little and swept up some dustballs. The joys of having wood floors.

Debi called this morning and we were discussing how cold it was. I told her I was trying to hold out for November 1st before I turn on the furnace! It was very tempting this morning to turn it on!

Current Mood: good
Current Music: WOW Hits...2004

October 6, 2006

I got so much done at the center today! Lots of cleaning and classroom organizing.

After work, Zach and I went to Hogan Rd. Hannaford, instead of the one here in town. Big mistake! I hate grocery shopping and only tolerate it because A.) my kids like to eat and B.) I know where everything is at my own store, so I can run in and out. Any time that Zach and I saved by going to the one on Hogan Rd. was spent running back and forth in the store trying to find everything! So after like 40 minutes in the freaking store, I was ready to hit up Starbucks across the street. My second latte for the day! I deserved this one.

For supper, the kids and I had yummy steaks a la George Foreman. I love my little grill. Makes meateating so much more enjoyable because there isn't a lot of clean-up with my Lean Mean Grilling Machine! :) The steaks were great. A little salt, onion powder, pepper and my secret recipe Merlot steak sauce and then I let George do the rest! We had smashed garlic red potatoes and some asperagus for a veggie.

Kayla is now at the movies with her boyfriend J.R. The other two and I are hanging out here tonight.

Tomorrow we are embarking on our super duper deep cleaning weekend!

Speaking of weekends, this will be a lovely 3-day weekend for all 4 of us! I know I will enjoy the extra day off! I won't have to wake up early again until next Friday morning! :) Except for church Sunday morning!

Thursday Night

SO the newspaper was at the center today. Took some pictures of the kids and some of me and the kids. He mentioned the article will be out in a week or two. I'll be sure to link it.

Other than that, the kids worked on the haunted house and made plans for the Halloween party.

I'm sleepy and will be retiring for the evening. Flint called and asked me to the movies. I was just walking in the door after getting home from work so even if I was up for going with him, I wouldn't have been up for going tonight. Jim called today, too. But I believe there is a fullmoon tonight.

The book From Beirut to Jerusalem by Thomas L. Friedman is totally great! Not a whole lot has changed in the Middle East since the book was written. I bought it at Goodwill last Saturday and found out that it was on the non-fiction book list for Club 20! Sweet!

The kids and I are doing some serious cleaning Saturday morning. THEN and only then, will we consider hiking or biking or some other fun activity!

Okay, I really desperately need some sleep!

Road Trips

In talking with Brian this morning, I was reminded of one of the first road trips Mike and I and the kids took. Zach was just about a year old. The girls were 5 and 3. Mike and I had spent the last 2 years or so doing stuff that would definitely not be called spontaneous. With 3 little kids, it is hard to go somewhere and not plan it out step by boring step. But, we were young then. I was 23 and he was 24.
"Let's spend the day in Boston!" I'm not sure whose idea it was, but we both were like, "YEAH! Let's do it!"

[Let me preface this story by saying this would be the road trip that we discover Hayley gets car sick in a ride over 3 hours and our son has and will always suffer from a spastic colon and that we've learned that hearing the words, "Oh, great!" usually does not imply a good time is to be had. It usually means, in Zach's case, that we need to pull over or find the nearest bathroom!]

So we leave Kodi (who was just a puppy at this point) in the care of my sister, and head out. Kids in the backseat. They'll sleep most of the way anyway, we figure, and we can talk and communicate with each other. This will be great!

We stop off at Wendy's in Waterville and grab a quick lunch. Mistake number one. Fast food on the road with kids who throw up more than puppies. By the time we reached Portland, we had to stop off at Walmart and buy Hayley a new outfit. We got her cleaned up, bought her some Dramamine, and headed back out on our spontaneous trip. After just crossing the New Hampshire/Mass line, we pull over because Zach, who thankfully was still in diapers for a few more months, was suffering from exploding diarrhea! We clean him up and stop off at the nearest Walmart to buy Zach a new outfit. Mike and I are both feeling a bit frazzled at this point. The only kid who wasn't sick was the one who is still sleeping. Kayla. This kid at age 16, will STILL fall asleep in the car, if the trip is longer than 1/2 hour! By the time we get into the city, we're both like "Ya-frikking-hoo!" We did some quick sightseeing, Kayla is still passed out, we change Zach, and decide spontanaity will be lost on us for awhile, possibly forever.

We get back on the highway, just in time to hit rush hour traffic in Boston. Bumper to bumper 70 mph...after years of driving in Boston, I now think kill or be killed driving is fun, but at our young ages, we were not impressed. Finally, back in Maine, we stop off at a rest area. I change the baby and Mike comes out with about a dozen vending machine packages of Tylenol. He takes 6 and gives me the rest. At this point, we have stopped communicating with words. He looks at me, I roll my eyes. This was YOUR brilliant idea, our looks are saying to one another.

We pull in the driveway, Kayla is now awake. "I thought we were going to Boston!" "Ya missed it, kid." My sister and dog meet us at the door. How was the trip? Our glares say it all. Zach and Hayley are now asleep for the night and have to be carried to bed. Kayla is up after sleeping the last 12 hours.

Just this weekend, when shopping with Debi, I asked if she had room in her for our stuff from Walmart. Her trunk was full will stuff to drop off at Goodwill. I laughed as I opened my trunk later. Not as long as I drive with my kids will I have any room in my trunk! Most trunks are for groceries or the occasional luggage, but not mine. My kids each have an entire outfit, an extra jacket, an extra bathing suit, toothbrushes, babywipes, toothpaste, a firstaid kit, a bottle of Tylenol, motionsickness pills, Benedryl, Pepto, sunscreen, bugspray, and extra sneakers.


I've learned the secret to being spontaneous!

Thursday

I have been so tired in the mornings. Not that annoying I just don't want to get up and get moving kind of tired, but the kind of tired where I could actually SLEEP! Problem is, I can't sleep all day, as much as I'd like to, because I have stuff to get done!

I can't believe they voted Vivica Fox off of Dancing with the Stars. She was one of the better dancers, yet the phone and online voters voted to keep the worst dancer (Sarah Evans, imo) on for another week!

Wednesday

So Maine has had 3 earthquakes since September 22. There may be a new fault forming in the Atlantic Ocean. They really aren't certain yet. I felt the one Tuesday night at 8 PM. Sort of felt like when the train goes by. Kind of cool. I don't think we'll ever have to worry about big earthquakes like the west coast. It gets so boring around here it is nice to see things get "shaken" up a bit! :)

I know I'll feel better if I clean the house today! There is something about seeing the kids' clutter laying around that just zaps my energy.

So yesterday, the kids and I signed up for Club 20 at the library. We picked up our journals there and are excited to get started. At work, I put up a new bulletin board. Zach helped with the smaller bulletin board. We got alot done at the center.

My house is so quiet here during the day, with the exception of the traffic. I had to shut off the tv. Somedays it is just noise. There isn't anything on during the day. I don't know if cable is a good thing for us anymore. We used to listen to music. Play games. It isn't like my kids are opposed to doing anything else. If you say, "Come on guys, let's go here." They are up for it. But when the tv is on, it is like we just get sucked into this apathetic world that kills all imagination and holds us hostage. Often times, we aren't even watching. It is just noise in the background. Any wonder why people can't hear God anymore? Our world drowns him out.

Even though I mentioned my house is quiet without the tv on, is it really quiet? I think I am just used to it. When we first moved here, I never thought I'd get used to the traffic noise, the very loud train about 30 feet away, the river on the other side of that, the hum of the mill and all of the heavy trucks bouncing on the dirt road between the tracks and the river. Like I said, I think I got used to it and now real quiet kind of scares me yet my soul craves it at the same time. Real quiet. Like so quiet you can actually hear snowflakes hitting the ground. The tv has been on so much, I haven't even really enjoyed being able to notice a significance in the reduction of noise since the mill shut down. No more trucks. No more hum. There is still traffic, but not so many trains now that they don't have to stop at the mill.

And lights. Do lights make noise? Is it me or do things seem quieter with the lights off? I can always tell when one of my kids leave the lights on. It will either be a hall light, the kitchen or bathroom light. And not because I can SEE the lights. It is because I can hear them. My bedroom is on the other end of the house and my door is usually shut, but I often get woken up in the middle of the night by lights being on in the other part of the house. I'll get up, make the rounds, and shut off all the lights again and my house resumes its sleepytime quiet and I can go back to sleep.

Maybe all of this seismic activity has affected my brain!

Turkey

A hijacked plane landed in Italy. Turkey is so close to Greece, which is where the kids and I would have been returning from. We were either going this September or next. Nope, I feel pretty certain that unless God speaks to me clearly, I will not be planning any overseas trips for a bit.

I've had this deep desire lately to tour Jerusalem and I dismiss it because it isn't exactly prime vacation location at this point in time. But I do find myself drawn to articles and books on the area just the same.

Did I Mention?

Did I mention the newspaper will be at the center tonight, taking pictures of the kids and the mural the artists painted? The same artists that were among the protestors that got arrested for civil disobedience outside of our senators' offices? Things will be interesting! :)

Ironically, all of the protesting is taking place during an election year. So maybe they aren't so much interested in everything that is going on in the world, as they are at swaying the publics vote. Much like they could care less about the homeless children I work with and love and feed, except to exploit the kids' situation for their own publicity.

So whether you are liberal or conservative, it doesn't matter. A good government has and needs a nice mix of both. A good nation is one in which people genuinely care and help. Getting your hands dirty kind of helping. Not just voting and then passing the buck along. Helping doesn't stop at the polls. Look into your hearts and ask yourselves, and even the Lord if you're so inclined, what you can do to help someone.

I was sitting in traffic the other day, (I struggle with roadrage and God and I decided that I won't put a Christian fish on my vehicle until He and I get a handle on the situation) and there was a person letting a ton of cars cut in and being the "good neighbor" and I was frustrated because I was already late but then had to laugh at the image I suddenly got of Jesus driving a car. There was a reason He rode donkeys! He'd never have gotten off the on ramp! Traffic would be backed up for miles behind Him!

Thoughts and Confusion

I have been keeping tabs on the North Korean nuclear test threat. Prior to 9/11, my thoughts were hardly ever on world events. Even during two or so years after, my thoughts really weren't on world events. Even if I didn't intially agree with the war in Iraq, I still enjoyed the perceived feeling of safety and remoteness of the world's problems that my country provides. My problem with the war with Iraq was never a question of should Saddam be removed from power or not...it always had to do with HOW the war was presented to the American people. Our feelings of terror, confusion and rage surrounding 9/11 were used against us to promote this war on terror. I think the government was hoping that we'd forget that there were no Iraqis on those planes and we'd just want to "get them all". That being said, I do think Saddam is a horrible man, his sons having proved to be even worse, and my conscience isn't feeling too bad about him rotting in jail.

My confusion I guess is what this new wave of stopping the war is about. Are people really not getting it? What is pulling out of Iraq or Afghanistan going to do? Whether we like it or not, we need to be a presence in the Middle East right now because like it or not, North Korea, China, and Russia do not like us and will side with everyone who is already against Israel. Keep a watch on Damascas, Lebanon, Israel, and Iran.

I guess I never really understood what good picketing is doing for the war effort. Old people sort of trying to recapture their Vietnam era youths. Whether you are for or against the war, supporting our troops is of utmost importance and it disgusts me to see men and women putting their lives on the line everyday so people can go picketing in Bangor, Maine! My grandfathers fought bravely during WWII so I could enjoy the life that I have lived. When that nuclear bomb goes off, and it will, who are you going to turn to? The picketers? They'll be hiding in their basements behind their signs.

I'm not trying to offend anyone who doesn't support the war effort, I'm just confused by their thought process. So you don't believe in our government, yet you are obeying laws with your implied civil disobedience? Kind of like saying you don't believe in God, yet you are still scared at night of the Devil.

I'm just not sure of the point in all of the protesting. I could bury my head in the sand, or watch MTV for the rest of the time I have here on earth, but I'm choosing to be proactive. I'm a little paranoid by nature, much like Eric, and have and will continue to stockpile water, canned goods and vegetable seeds, first aid equipment and lots of hand sanitizer,batteries and even a crank radio. If I won't need any of it because of the war, I'll be sure to use it during the Bird flu! :) My daughters have BOTH hunted and trapped with their dad since they could walk. Kayla has shot and dressed her own deer. At age 16, almost 17, she prefers capturing them on camera now, but I feel safe knowing that she would be a good provider if this family should ever need it. Between the rifles my girls own and our pitbull, we could easily defend ourselves. Ironically, it is my SON that will pretty much be useless in any kind of emergency! His claim to fame being tetherball king and cartoon eficienado! I'm kind of proud of the fact that my girls can handle themselves in the woods, and in Maine, there are a lot of woods.

October 3, 2006

I went to be last night so early! I bet I was asleep by 9:30!

I talked to Brian for a little bit after work. I had to get the kids supper. I have to work 3-8 tonight. I will pick up the kids from school and then we have to go to the library and make a quick pit stop. There is a program there called Club 20. You read 20 books in a year (books on their list) and then you qualify for a $100 gift card at Borders. Since I easily read more than 20 books every year, and I shop all the time at Borders AND I already own like 4 of the books on the book list and just haven't gotten around to reading yet and this is a good excuse to start reading them, I have decided to sign up. What started as a suggestion to Kayla, that maybe she might want to do this with me, turned into Zach and now Hayley and Sarah, into wanting to sign up. The rules are 10 fiction books (on their list), 2 non-fiction (again on their list), 1 biograpy (again the list), 1 short story anthology (think list), 1 mystery, 1 Maine author, 1 YA, 1 juvenile, 1 science fiction, 1 western (list, list, list, list, list).

The Bangor library is doing the same thing, with the same list, so Erin and Eric...sign up!

Conversations in the car:
Zach: I have never been so excited to read before!
Zach (again, after reading the list): Mom, what is 'juvenile'?
Kayla: You!

Now, I have to get my latte.
Current Mood: still great
Current Activity: watching Dora the Explorer...let me explain before you JUDGE ME! My son was watching Nickelodeon before school and left the tv on and I can't find the remote. My kids hide the remote from each other, whoever had it last, that way, they'll be the one to have it first when they get home. The problem is I usually can't find the remote after they leave for school. Do you want to stand and manually push the button for 300+ stations? So Dora it is!

PS...Tanya where are you?

Happy October!

Jackass 2 was a funny movie. Kayla and I laughed through the whole thing. Zach went to see Talladega Nights. He liked that, too.

It is a beatiful sunny day today. I really want to take the kids hiking somewhere and find a nice spot for a picnic. But Zach is playing at Dakota's and so I think the girls and I will just take the dog to the park and find a spot down by the river and read and relax.

I want my latte. I really really want to be in Greece right now.

Current Mood: very peaceful
Current Activity: Watching "Captain Ron"