Feeling Better

I am feeling so much better. I had a meeting today with City officials about future funding for FLC. It looks like everything is a go and back on track but I am so frustrated with the whole process. The closer I come to the policital/financial side of my job, the more I loathe it. I love teaching and I love my students. What I don't love is busting my ass, assisting with grant writing, soliciting private funders, etc., only for the City to take their cut and pat me on the head and continue to "LET" me work for them. My biggest peeve with the city is why OFFER something if you can not PROVIDE the said service? They city has generously donated the facility to offer such services as: coordination of education/training/planning, homework and GED assistance, yet has zero dollars to provide the services. It is up to FLC to come up with their own funding. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, these kids have lost their afterschool programs and GED prep classes until funding resumes, which should start as of next week. And the Case Manager of these children spoke of them like they were her best friends. After the meeting, I asked a question of the case manager privately, pertaining to one of my students, whose case she manages, and she was like, WHO? Yet the tenants of this housing project "are individuals and families who are treated with dignity and respect by the service professionals involved in the project, and in every contact, experience the highest standards of professional contact from these workers." Yeah, and some of us even know their NAMES!
So while the board was bitching and moaning about how much funding the program will take to continue and how the city is losing $575/month in rental potential for the building they are lending, I was asked how much my services were going to cost. Originally, I signed on as a volunteer only, tutoring these kids Tuesday and Thursday nights. I was offered the coordinator postion after Jill was re-assigned. So I said, as it stands now, I feel personally obligated to these children to get their program back up and running. If I must do this without financial compensation, then that is what I must do. However, once the program is back on its feet, if I am assuming Coordiator duties, then I will expect Coordinator compensation. That lacking, I will resume my tutoring/mentoring duties on a voluntary basis, an evening or two a week.

Down Hill

Things went downhill fast after my last post. I had the stomach flu pretty bad, starting late yesterday until about 2 AM this morning. I'm feeling much better today, just a little weak. I am drinking some gingerale and some juice. I think I am going to have some weak tea. I don't care to ever eat again, that is for sure!

Up an showered and no where to go!

I've been up since about 9 AM. Very tired today. Didn't sleep well at all, but that is because Zach and I fell asleep on the couch last night watching movies! So today, I have a stiff neck and my head still hurts from yesterday. I woke up, went to get my latte and came home to take a shower. I'm looking all beautiful and thought I should head out into the world looking for my dream man, when I decided to just put some clean pj's on and my comfy robe and curl up on the couch, watching the rest of the movies.

We rented Open Water, The Forgotten, First Daughter and Little Black Book. Now, we're watching Identity. Open Water was good, bad acting of course, but good story line, however, the ending was very disturbing. I'm a happy ending sort of girl, even in my own life. I wouldn't be able to get thru my life if I didn't believe it was going to have a happy ending. The Forgotten wasn't like anything I anticipated it to be. I think it could have been much better done, but Julianne Moore had a good performance in it. I expected more from Gary Sinise and Anthony Edwards. Little Black Book had a fantastic story line which I could definitely relate to, however it was so badly written! Brittney Murphy, Holly Hunter and Kathy Bates did all they could with it, I think, but Brittney looked strung out on heroine thru most of it. Bad make-up job. First Daughter was like I expected. Teen-girly love story. I'm feeling a bit too jaded and old to get any enjoyment out of that one. Identity, with John Cusack and Amanda Peet looks like there is some potential. I'll keep you posted.

Current Mood: unmotivated

Sinus trouble

I really hate sinusitis. My head aches, my ears ache, my eyes are puffy and my cheekbones close to each side of my nose hurt AND I have a stabbing pain at the top of my head. I'm also all crampy and cranky!!! But at least I am not pregnant! That would be the worst news right now. I feel like I'm not sleeping enough, even though I am in bed 8-11 hours a night, depending on when I have to get up for work. I probably sleep 7-8 of those hours. I actually think it is my coffee. I usually drink one double Irishcream latte a day, so my body is accustomed to that. However, with all of this sinus trouble, I haven't been getting a full night's rest without waking up a few times a night, which makes me groggy during the day, which leads to more coffee during the day, which leads to less restful sleep at night. A vicious cycle.

Anyway, Brian thinks the all my sinus trouble is because of my furnace. Could be, but I have no heat in my bedroom and it is about 65 degrees in there, which is perfect for sleeping, I am told. I am not in the house most of the day, as I am at work, and so I am only around my furnace for maybe 3-4 hours per evening. My whole body is very dry this winter, especially my face, so I bought a heavier moisturizer. It seems to be helping and I mix it with my foundation so I don't look so terribly pale. I need to start tanning again, but I am nervous to start with my skin being as dry as it has been.

SO my job seach has begun. I am applying to all teaching jobs I run across, even if that takes me downstate. I am looking forward to starting anew, even if it scares the crap out of me. I want a better house and a better car, and to have those things, I am going to have to get full-time employment, utilizing my teaching degree. I do love my present jobs, though, and I have made some very special friends, so I think I am okay where I am for the moment, and will hopefully have a new job lined up for next fall. That will give me the summer to move and get situated and get the kids enrolled into new schools. It scares me to think about my first night in my new place. Whenever I have moved, I have done so with the kids' dad, so I am anticipating our first night in our new place will both scare and excite me. Kind of makes me feel like a grown-up, though, having to make all these decisions. I don't have to ask anybody but me about what I want in a house or a car or a job, etc. You would think having kids makes you feel like a grown-up. Not so. For about the first ten years of having my kids, I would have to say that I often still felt like a kid that was playing pretend and that someone was going to come in at anytime and say, Game Over.

Current Mood: Still not feeling up to par, but my mood is good.
Current Music: Jennifer Knapp CD

I'm a grandma!

Kayla and Shannon brought home egg babies from school! Somehow, I think egg babies are a gross misrepresentation of the real thing. I don't recall Kayla sitting in a little basket SILENT! I think those dolls that don't ever stop crying give the kids a much better idea of what parenting is all about. But still, neither an egg nor a doll eats, cries or poops.

Three kids were sent home from school today vomiting. Ashlee comes into my room and says, "Uh Jenn, Zach (not my son) just puked on me, can you watch my room for a minute?" She has only been there for a week! Welcome to preschool! :)

This Just In

My cats are having SEX!!!
Okay, Chloe doesn't even LIKE Xander!!! She has been in heat before, and she prefers the dog over Xander. Not to mention he (Xander) has been neutered. I thought he couldn't do that!!!
Man oh man, I don't know why I feel violated. I walk on that carpet!!!
My son just said, "this burns the eyes. I am not ready for this yet!"
I feel like I just walked in on one of my children having sex. My son is like, "How many times can they do that?"

Instant Messenger Rant, Top Ten Lists

It's finally happened. My messenger has become an extension of my phone. I am phone-phobic as I just don't like talking on the phone because I find it hard to end a conversation. (Although, I can talk or text message incessantly on my cell phone! Go figure! ) SO, i got Caller ID and an anwering machine so I can avoid talking to long-winded people, telemarketers and Grandma. I weed out my buddylist every so often and keep the important people on, but it never fails, after a time, I have to use my cloaking device to stay invisible to some people. However, I get annoyed when Brian or Flint IM me when they are invisible, like WHY are you hiding? WHO are you hiding from? Brian only does it because he doesn't have time somedays when he is in the office to everyone, but he lets me know when he's on. On PC's, you can right-click with the mouse and only highlight the people you want to be invisible to, but you have to do this separately each session. On OS X 10.3 (Mac Panther), this is not an option.

My 10 year old son is making his first Diarama! How gay. I hated making those things in school. He is really clever, though and made this really cool campfire using Origami techniques. He's also waited till the last minute to start the project. Proof he is genetically mine!!!

I am so bored, I decided to make some Top Ten Lists.

Top Ten Things I Hate

10. Acute Sinusitus
9. Boredom (an occasional lack of creativity on my part)
8. People who can not spell Friend...it isn't Freind!
7. People who can't spell, in general, except for obvious typos.
6. Liberal-bashers...it takes a broad spectrum of people to make America what it is.
5. Miracle Whip
4. Back-stabbers
3. Bad dreams
2. The Bachelorette
1. Procrastination and Funerals

Top Ten Things I LOVE

10. Music and dancing
9. Teaching
8. Writing
7. Motorcycles
6. Men
5. Movies (even bad ones, they are the best!!!)
4. Shopping
3. Brian
2. Jesus
1. My KIDS and Easy Mac and Teen Week Jeopardy!!!

Top Ten Things I Want in a Relationship (not in order of importance)

10. Trust
9. Honesty
8. Sexual Attraction
7. Compatible senses of humor
6. Quality time
5. LOVE
4. Maintaining a certain level of independence
3. Monogomy
2. Feeling wanted
1. Cuddling

Current Mood: Okay. Just Okay.
Current Music: Jeopardy Theme Music...y'all will be humming it all day now! :)

Friends

It never fails, no matter how bad my day has been, an episode of Friends can always cheer me up.
It has just been a crappy day. It is so cold outside. Flint and I had THE talk. He asked where he stood with me and I told him that while I like spending time with him, I am feeling pressured to make decisions or commitments that I don't feel like I am ready to make with him. Facts: He was fired for sexual harassment. My kids aren't crazy about him. I have had a weird gut feeling about the whole thing from the beginning, which I ignored because I chalked it up to my previous relationship to Brian. I just don't trust him. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship for me.

SOOOOOO, he told me to call when I am ready. And then he thanked me and said he is taking another girl to Portland this weekend. I'm really okay, though. It is a big relief to have this over.

Good Times

I had a great time Saturday night at Erin's dinner theater. Eric and I pretended we were divorced. It was a lot of fun! We got to have dinner and sit around and pretend that this was our high school reunion and figure out whodunit! Great time!

I love snow days!!!

Snow days are holidays!
I get to hang out at the house, chill with the kids, clean and organize and get paid anyway!
My doggie is loving having us at the house. Usually she is alone on the weekdays and is definitely enjoying the company. She's not a snowlover though. Never has been. I will always remember her first snow when she was a puppy, about 11 years ago. I opened the door, she ran out, and came to a skidding halt once she touched the funny, wet white stuff. Turned right around and ran back inside. I panicked thinking how I would ever get her house-trained when she wouldn't even go outside. I used to have to carry her. She tolerates it now, but her favorite spot on a cold and snowy winter day is right on her favorite cushion, sleeping the day away.

The cats however, are not so glad to have us around today. Flea baths and fancy dry skin lotion for them!!! The dog is chasing them around now like they are brand new cats! Pretty comical!!!
Well, gots to get back to cleaning my room!

Current Mood: Happy to have a day off!
Current Music: Let's Get It On

I Don't Feel Good!

I hate being sick. My throat is killing me. We've been under-staffed at work and I am just plain tired. So much for part-time jobs. This week will be close to 40 hours.
Today's big news is that cancer has now become the leading cause of death over heart disease. DUH! I know way more people who have died from cancer than heart disease. And to think some jackass just got his doctorate writing a dissertation on THAT!

Current Mood: very crabby, not feeling very well.

I am going to bed.

New Year New Beginnings

Brian called Saturday and last night. We talked for a little over two hours. I told him that I am signing up for flight lessons. He thinks it is a great idea. Actually, he is only 3 hours away from being able to go solo. This, I never knew. He didn't continue getting his private pilot's certification because it had started getting too expensive. I think I am at a place financially that I can afford the beginning classes and then as things get more expensive, I should be working full-time at a career using my teaching degree and so my finances should be increasing as well. Plus, I can do this at my own pace, at a pace I can afford. So, I am excited about learning something new.

I am so happy that I woke up this morning and my car started. It is so cold out right now. She didn't want to start, as she is a warm weather girl, like myself, but she does her best not to let me down and she came through. I promised I'd let her warm up appropriately before making her go anywhere.

My kids all went to school today. They tried hard to stay home, but they had yesterday off. I had yesterday off, too. I really like paid holidays.

Well, my car is warming up and I need to get ready for my latte. Eric was supposed to be by at 7:30 to pick up a 19-inch television I am giving them, but he is not here.

Brian's favorite pic

jenn02
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Torque

I have decided I think I am going to get my motorcycle license.

Advantages to Drama

The biggest advantage to all this drama is that I am now down to a size 6 in jeans!
I finally had to break down and go shopping.

Current Mood: a little tired

Current Music: none...I'm watching Willow.

AM I Hillary Clinton?

How bizarre is this? Okay, you've all been following the Flint saga, right?

I've talked with him twice this evening and we've talked everything thru. I still don't feel like I can trust him as far as I can throw him, but I am strangely attracted to him now. I mean, I've always been attracted to him, and I love sex, so it is a given that we'd hook up in that way, but since finding out he is Marv Albert's prodigy, I'm horny as hell. I even agreed to see him tomorrow morning before going into work. Even AFTER finding out his "friend" came over today to help him write a new resume, which was why he couldn't call me. It's like, now that he is no longer marriage material, I can let loose and have fun with him, like I would have, had he just been a friend with benefits. Let's bring out the whips and leather cat suits, baby!

Plus, I told him all about starting to talk to Brian again, and about the little fact, that while he knows I am Jim's grad assistant, he didn't know about our past sexual relationship. He knows now! :)

Current Mood: Light and horny

Current Music: Dirty White Boy Foreigner

Jennie's Got a Gun

Jennie's got a gun
What her boyfriend do?
What did he put her thru?

He was a sexual harasser,
A two-timing bastard,
Then she was tellin' him
They were thru.

They said that when Jennie
Was arrested
They found him underneath
The chair.



Oh man, if this wasn't happening to me, I'd think it was better than fiction!!! Well, I am pretty certain that I am currently single and available once more. Life is grand.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Can You Feel the Love Tonite Sir Elton John

Sexual Harassment, Flint-Stoning, and VW blues

SOOOOOO, I just found out that my boyfriend, Flint, was fired from his job after 15+ years of working there, for sexual harassment. Apparently he's been telling the ladies that they need to sleep with him before getting the job. He's vehemently denying that part, but isn't denying having sex and/or conversations full of sexual inuendo. Whether or not this all happened before me, or during me, I'll never know. I couldn't put my finger on why I just couldn't trust him. Now, I know and I am grateful that I found this out before accepting his marriage proposal.

He also had a company vehicle and a company cell-phone, which were taken immediately away. He has no wheels and is looking for a new car. He's looking at a 1991 Volkswagon Jetta...but, Jenn, it has good tires!!!
Well, he can Flint-stone his ass to the bank now that I have found out the real reason for his termination. He was given 10 weeks severence and if he leaves quietly, he'll get a reference and they won't hold up his unemployment. He isn't going to fight this because he knows the company has his email and cell phone records.

Current Mood: wide-eyed stare state of shock

Current Music: I Feel Pretty

80s Flashback...This one's for you Eric!

You're at least aged 25 If...


You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.


You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.


In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up."


"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.


In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.


You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.


Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.


You actually know who Rick Springfield is.


You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.


There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together.


You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.


You wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.


The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.


You never used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.


You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding You know who shot J.R.


This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."


You never had a Dorothy Hammill haircut You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.


You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.


You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.


Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.


The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.


60's music is still your favorite.


Prayer was said in school and willingly accepted. 

Low Key

It's been a pretty low key day.

I worked all day and I have tomorrow off. I have another paid holiday for Monday!
I ran into one of my best friends, Josh this morning. He got a job working for Quirk Auto Park as a salesman. I told him about Jim Quirk asking me out, saying he "dates younger women because he CAN!"...
Josh likes the job more than he thought he would, saying he doesn't really feel guilty anymore! He's also moved back to Orono and wants to get together. The last time we got together, was on my other best friend Eric's birthday at Margarita's, and we certainly got "together". He emailed me a few times last summer, but I was seeing AJ at the time.

Anyway, not much else to report! Feeling tired.

Current Mood: Neutral
Song: Groovy Kind of Love Phil Collins

Mood Check

Current Mood: Peaceful Easy Feeling
Current Music: Dance, Baby, Dance...David Bowie in Labyrinth

Music Prior (to watching Labyrinth): Too Much Time on My Hands...STYX...I can never listen to this song without thinking about Eric! :) This was the summer that we were exchanging bitter diatribes in regards to the opposite sex via email and he mentioned that this song was the theme of his solosexual summer. This was just before his reconnecting with Erin.

momandkids

momandkids
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

My happy family!

For the Record

I am not perfect. I am about as far from perfect as I can get. What I am is a single, independent, hardworking mother who is just looking for that custom fit in a Wal-Mart world.

Also, Brian is not perfect, nor have I ever expected him to be. Some have asked why his wife left him after 17 years. Honestly, this isn't my story to tell, but it was certainly all her. For instance, the first time she cheated, it was on an extended family vacation (as in, this was a vacation for extended members of their family), and she was caught sleeping with her own sister's husband!!! After a reconciliation (yes, Brian took her back), she found her "soulmate" at their church and began another affair.

I think he is certainly gun-shy but Brian is not and will never be a guy who likes to "paint" the town. He is a very good man, who thought he was putting everything he had into a relationship he believed in, into one that he thought his life partner had believed in as well. He doesn't take relationships or sex lightly. He is the kind of man that would prefer to be married before having sex, even though I didn't have to twist his arm much to do it with me. Even so, he spent a good part of our time reassuring me, or at least himself, that he wasn't with me just to sleep with me.

I trust this man with my life. I trust him with my children. Even after everything, I still find myself trusting him with my heart. However, I am finding it hard to trust that he is being honest with himself, as he is a master at convincing himself and even me that he is right where he needs to be, emotionally speaking. So my decision is this: Do I wait for the man I so obviously still care deeply for, even though I'll risk getting my heart broken again? OR do I continue to move on with my life looking for my Knight on a Shiny Harley?

For the right guy, I don't think there is anything I wouldn't do to try and make it work.

Sex, Lies and MEN

Brian told me he got scared and that is why he bailed. He said he hadn't felt so strongly about anyone in a long time and that if his ex-wife could bail after 17 years of marriage, then what was to keep me from pulling the rug out from underneath him.
If I have to hear this speech in this lifetime once more, i will have to hurt someone.

WHAT the frig is so scary about me? I take care of myself, I'm open and loving and caring. I'm educated,
employed, funny, articulate, not to mention pretty darn cute when I want to be. I don't lie, cheat or
steal, I vote, I attend church services regularly and devote 15 hours a week of my life to charitable causes. AND I like kids and animals. but I am really starting to not like men.

LOVE

So Brian confessed his love for me last night.
Let's just say I am mega-confused. Of course, I love him, he knows it, I know it, everyone knows it.
I'm confused because I love him, he loves me, so why aren't we together?
Life is so messed up sometimes.

New Site

Hey all...I have a new photo website...HTTP://www.flickr.com/photos/jennluvsgable
check it out.

Last night, Flint and I took the kids sledding on Essex Street Hill. Pics from that are on the new site. Also, I'll be (slowly) transferring some of my favorite pics off of my online photo albums and uploading them there on the site, too. Unfortunately, they are in random order, random in the sense they are in the order that I've uploaded them, the first ones I uploaded, to the more recent ones, and I've uploaded them randomly, so there are some old pics mixed in with new ones. I try to date them, if possible.

The kids and I had a great time. I was determined not to slide down "Suicide Hill", and was quite happy playing photographer, but Flint decided to grab me and pull me into his sled and take me down, all the while screaming and pulling my coat over my head. I didn't see most of the ride down and I've got to say, it wasn't so bad, now that I've lived thru it! :)

He's never skied before and all I can say is payback will be a BITCH next weekend on the mountain! Other than that, we just stayed in and watched movies. It was snowing last night, so we ordered in pizza for the kids and he and I fell asleep cuddled on the couch together. It was very nice. When we're together, it is always very nice, but I've noticed that he and I are taking turns pulling back, being a little gun shy. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we've only been together since November 18, and it's better to take things slow. He suggested that we might need a weekend away together because as we all know, I was in a pretty bad mood on and off last week. I was like, Oh cool! That is just what we need. Then he was like, "But the kids would love to get away, too! Let's make a weekend of it! " SO my enthusiasm has waned a little. I love his children and he's great with mine, but I like to be seen as sexy girlfriend material, too, not just this cute little wifey/mommy role he has me in.

He and I need to sit down and have a serious talk soon, I know this. I just SO dread that. It kind of saps the fun right out of a relationship and I've been in relationships, one in particular, in which I think we talked it right to its doom! What started out as me just getting back into the dating pool, sampling the waters, has turned into (another) full blown relationship. Not necessarily a bad thing, because Flint is pretty great. I've got to say, I wasn't all that interested in the beginning, it was just a way to forget about Brian, but Flint is such a ladies man, that it has spurred my competetive streak and so now I am definitely more interested than I had planned to be. To look at him, one wouldn't think he was THAT spectacular. I mean, I think he's handsome, but certainly attainable. Anyway, he has girls that are his "friends" dropping cards in his mailbox drenched in disgusting perfume, or knocking on his bedroom windows (I know this because I was IN the bedroom, it was like 6 AM and my car was in the driveway) and chatting him up constantly online. BUT he doesn't seem like the typical dog/man. He always tries to reassure me that he's with me and he has taken me to all of his company dinners and I've met his whole family, he's introduced me to his ex-wife, and he's introduced me to his friends AND he spent both thanksgiving and christmas with me, saying that he hasn't spent the holidays with anyone for a long time. SO why does it bug me so much when he goes to the Y (he's a member of USA gym, not the Y) when he knows that I know the "friend" that dropped off the disgusting christmas card works there. I am just questioning his motivation for actually telling me he was going to the Y. He didn't say why (haha) and I did not ask. Was he telling me because he's trying to prove that he has nothing to hide, or is he telling me to get a reaction out of me because he is too much of a man to just sit me down and ask me how I am feeling about him?

OH WELL!!! I've written WAY more than I planned! It feels great to purge, though!

F**ked UP

I've come to the conclusion I am totally fucked up. Nuts, really.
I am the type of person that thinks they know what they want, and when they get it, they're not happy. Spoiled? Not likely. Self-centered and egotisical? Most definitely.

So I mistakenly spoke with Brian several times this past week. Almost got myself to the point where I had convinced myself that I'm better off single than to lead Flint on, or that I am better off waiting for Brian. I have found myself sabotaging my relationship with Flint this week, only to feel really guilty about it after, so then I over-compensate and am extra nice to him.
I finally told Brian last night that I am dating Flint exclusively, with no exceptions, even for him. This was a big step for me because I am pretty good at balancing many guys, with none being the wiser. BUT I've wanted to change that about me and focus on one guy because I think I have been "single" (in the sense that I've not dated the same person for longer than a year) for too long and I think I have a fear of committment, i.e. when things start getting too serious I will bail, or become a real bitch and let them do the dirty work.

I came to the conclusion that I am completely and utterly fucked up this evening. WHY, you may be asking, or more likely, You're finally figuring this out! Smart, I am, self-aware, not so much. This past week, I've talked to Brian. Last Friday, I drove 3 hours to visit with Larry (an old flame of about 7 years) for his Night of Basketball and then home. I've chatted with my friend Dr. Bob who is doing his last clinical rotation in Weston, W.V. and wants to come and visit me when he's done.
You get the picture, I'm no saint! (For the record, I've only had sex with Flint, while seeing Flint.) Anyway, tonight, while Flint is away at his son's basketball game, I've imagined all sorts of things like him seeing other women, etc. because when I went to his house today, I noticed the candle that is usually on his mantel on the kitchen table!!! Oh, and he shoveled his driveway!!! Obviously to clean up the car tracks that this other woman left in his driveway last night after sharing a candlelit dinner with him, only to be forced out of the house by 9:30 PM, so he could call me.

Did you know that cheating husbands tend to be more affectionate towards their wives while cheating and they tend to be overly untrustful of their wives, accusing them of being the ones of cheating, because cheating makes one more sneaky and more aware of the "signs" of cheating. Go figure! So, I guess I am a cheating husband!!!

Is my self-esteem so low that I need constant reaffirmation that I am worthy of a healthy, sane, long term relationship? Or am I so conceited that I feel this constant affirmation is my due? Or is it that I am simply so scared of really truly loving ONE man for the rest of my life that I constantly need to fall in and out of love with guys who are obviously not the one, because I've deluded myself that this play-acting will in essence help my endeavor of finding him?

Current Mood: Disgusted with myself

Current Music: Invader Zim theme music

It's SNOWING!!!

I am so happy to finally have snow. Of course, I presently find myself housebound with no SNACKS!
I'm craving chocolate but I'm not driving out in this weather just yet. The snow plows have just gone by. Maybe a quick trip to Irving.
I made a delicious Spanish Rice for supper this evening.

Spanish Rice
2 C. uncooked long grain rice

Tablespoon of each:
parsley
basil
olive oil
chili powder
red pepper

2 Tablespoons of:
sugar
minced onion flakes
2 beef bouillon cubes
28 oz. of diced tomatoes
1 3/4 C. of water

MIX all together in a big pot. Boil. Reduce heat. Cover. Simmer for 25 minutes or until rice is tender. Add a can of corn and some shredded Motz cheese, if so desired. Delicious. I usually give my own personal serving a couple of dashes of Louisiana Style Hot sauce!!!

Current Mood: Better than I have been. I had today off, so I cleaned, cooked and slept in until 10:30.
Current music: my furnace, snowplows, Zach's trumpet and theme song from Lord of the Rings III PS2 game

Do I have a life?

Current mood? Bitchier than I was 12 hours ago!

Reason? Got in a huge fight with daughter number 2. She can't just let me win quietly. NO, she has to keep talking under her breath and the last straw was when she called me a bitch! So, I told her to pack her bags, that she's moving in with Daddy. I know, I know, she is 13 and is testing her limits, but Kayla will be 15 in February and feels no need to test any limits with me. Zach, at 10, is quite happy with the limits he has. Admittedly, now that my blood pressure has returned to normal, Hayley reminds me an awful lot like me. She shows no fear and does not like to lose. One has to admire her spunk. She will not be walked on or taken advantage of, that is for sure!

Brian and I talked last night for some time. It is so weird that we can just talk like nothing was ever wrong. And weird that when I have a bad day, he is the one that makes me feel better. It is all so confusing. If he's not the one, then why did everything just fit together so perfect? It gives me a headache to think about it all.

Just when you thought I'd go away...

Current Mood: Right Wing (Yes, it IS a mood)

Outside Temp and Conditions: it's WET. it's Bleary. and oh so not-cheery.

Music I am listening to right now: Word Up by Korn

What's on the TV: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 3 Buffy & Angel 4-ever!!!

Reading Material: the Bible and Dean Koontz's The Watchers




My son just came in the living room. He's eating pancakes and sausage and drinking milk out of a measuring cup! I think that is a hint I may need to do some dishes! I don't have to work today until 1:30, so I will have time.

Winter Blahs

So the winter doldrums have set in early so far for me this year. I don't usually start feeling this way until at least March. I mean, if it is gonna be cold, then give us skiers some snow, instead of all this freaking rain!!! 2004 was the suckiest year EVER for me! I am so happy to see it go. It should have been the happiest. I graduated college. I have a job. I found my religion (again!). I avoided a nervous breakdown in September when classes started and I was no longer a student. I have wonderful friends, even if we are now spread far apart.
2004 saw the loss of 2 people for me.

Welch Everman, 57, ( a few days shy of his 58th birthday) prolific writer, accomplished jazz musician, English professor, father, husband, mentor, advisor, and friend, succumbed after fighting his battle with lung cancer. He was taken much too soon and will forever be missed. He was the most amazing professor ever. I used to joke with him about his classes always being "sold out" and he never failed to reserve me a seat in any and all I wanted to audit. I'll be kept busy, though. He left me a list of authors that I must read in my lifetime, with the condition that I read every book the said author has ever written. His biggest fear was that he'd be forgotten. His Welch-isms will live on in me, as I regale my classes with Everman stories and he lives on, for a teacher is the product of her teacher, who is the product of his teacher and of his teacher and so on. Beckett would be proud! Ironically, Charlie and I had our second "date" at his funeral! Welch is laughing about this somwhere.

Karen Jay, 59, wife, mother, teacher, Onward student, friend, former student of Welch, died of a sudden heart attack a few weeks before Christmas. She was a wonderful lady, who always had a kind word or a hug to cheer me up. She is one of the unique few that started this college experience with me. I will be forever changed by that experience and the people I have met have left a lifelong impact on me. It is hard to put into words how much my Onward crew mean to me.

So, back to my blahs. I should be blah-free, with the exception of the loss of my two friends. I am dating a wonderful man. He works for Bangor Daily News, has two beautiful, wonderful children, who also happen to get along beautifully with mine. He is perfect for me, yet he is not Brian. I don't know when that phrase will stop for me, that "he's not Brian" phrase. While dating AJ, it was evident daily "he's just not Brian". My new guy deserves more than this so I am trying very hard to leave the past in the past. I deserve to be happy and Flint makes me happy, not to mention, he's adorable! But when I talk with my future self, I am always sitting on my front porch swing and Brian is the one sitting by my side.

I went to Fort Fairfield this past Thursday, for Larry's Night of Basketball. The kids and I had fun. It was good to see everyone. I had to drive up and back the same night because Flint and I had plans for New Year's Eve. I had a very sick day on New Year's Day. I am getting too old for that. Obviously!!! A great start to the new year. Nothing like waking up, after a few hours sleep, still drunk, yakking in a strange toilet, which ironically would have been the PERFECT ending to 2004, but just my luck, my perfect ending became the beginning to 2005! Kudos to me! Timing has never been my thing. Time for my latte!!! Thank God for Ampersand's double Irish cream lattes, with skim milk, in a tall cup!