Where's the Snow?

It is a Saturday night. The kids all went to the movies with Barb. So much for this big storm we were supposed to have today! I'm not complaining, but I didn't plan on anything "fun" because of the impending doom. I cleaned today. I'm enjoying the quiet I guess. Brian cancelled the plans for Portland because of the snow, but as of last night, he had a feeling it really wasn't going to amount to much. I'm just feeling kind of down. I'd love to be with him right now. I'm half-minded to just drive up to him but he's probably out snowmobiling.

Anyway, not much else to report. Just feeling kind of blah. I have listened to CD's, read, cleaned, showered...now I'm gonna do my nails. I should probably go to the gym and get rejuevenated, but I think they close early on Saturdays. Figures.



"Lonliness, like a heartbeat, can drive you mad..." Fleetwood Mac

Take the High School Q&A Challenge

My 20th High School reunion won't be until 2010, but I got this from my friend Tim's blog.

What year was it?
I graduated HS in June 1990.

What were your three favorite bands (performers)?
G&R, Aerosmith (still is one of my faves), Cinderella

Which bands did you hate?
George Michael and Madonna

What was your favorite outfit?
I had a Levis jean jacket that I adored. A pair of Levis. A $60 UMO sweatshirt that I had to have that Christmas. Nike sneakers were a must have.

What was up with your hair?
BIG BIG BIG...I had mall hair. The taller the bangs, the better. Spiral perm in the back, sides kind of layered and feathered back into it....You KNOW the look!

Who were your best friends?
Julie D., Julie G., Carrie T., April B., Danielle, Kim, Carrie H., and Stephanie.

What did you do after school?
Detention, detention, detention...Then hang out at a friend's and get high. Spend enormous amounts of time at the Mall.

Where did you work?
Wells Commons (UMaine), Poster Plus (Bangor Mall), Wendy's (Hogan Rd., then Union St.)

Did you take the bus?
Yup, took the bus in the mornings. I'd always have a ride home, though because I always had a boyfriend and they all drove. That was a prerequisite. Then I got my own car when I was 16.

Who did you have a crush on?
Actually, no one in particular. I had a serious boyfriend at 16 and was with him until I was 21. Two kids later, we split.

Did you fight with your parents?
Doesn't every teenager? Actually, more with my mother than my father.

Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?
Corey Haim

Did you smoke cigarettes?
Yup. We had a smoking area right inside the high school. My, how times have changed.

Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?
Nah. I made trips to my locker a couple times a day

Did you have a ‘clique’?
Oh yes! There were a few clicks in my school. THE JOCKS, THE BURNOUTS, THE DRAMAS and THE NORMS. My friends and I were didn't really have a name...We were the mallrats, I guess, VERY into fashion...We used to play this fashion police game at school and in the mall. We were kinda mean, actually.

Did you have "The Max" like Zach, Kelly, and Slater?
The local Mcdonalds, .. The Local 7-11.. Pat's Pizza

Admit it, were you popular?
Yes.

Who did you want to be just like?
My friend Wendy.

What did you want to be when you grew up?
An advertising executive.

Where did you think you’d be at the age you are now?
Married with Children.. A big house.. A nice Car.. A well paying job...
So fast fwd to 2005.... I am not married, I have 3 children, I live in a not big enough house, I drive a 6 year old car and I my annual salary is laughable. What does that tell you?

Almost April

I had a great day at work yesterday! The kids have been exceptionally well-behaved this week and I am hoping this continues through tomorrow.

I talked with Brian last night until midnight. He had to finish up his plowing. Today he had to be on the road doing inspections (he is a real estate appraiser) and was going to be out of the office all morning, so he won't be getting much sleep. I don't know how he does it. It is hard enough staying awake to keep him company on the phone, but I am glad to do it. If I wasn't talking to him, I'd be worried about him all night anyway, and wouldn't be able to sleep.

I am glad tomorrow is Friday!!! With all the traveling I've done the last two weekends in a row, I need a weekend or a weekend day really, just to laze around the house...clean, watch movies, have a spa day (bubble bath, hair, nails), etc. Plus tomorrow is PAYDAY! Next week will be mid-March! This month is flying by. I'm sad to see March go because I'll have to get my car re-registered and inspected and get my new insurance card for the year. I'm thinking of switching insurance companies. Presently I have Allstate. They've been good to me and I've had no complaints, but I'd heard a lot about Progressive and when Mike and I were still together, I was on his policy and that was through Progressive. I'm hoping it isn't as pricey as Allstate.

Well, as much as I'd like to sit home all day and blog, I've got to go get ready for work. Daylight savings time is in a few weeks. The best thing about winter is the extra hour of sleep. I can not wait to lay in the sun...the real sun...not a tanning bed, although I love that too, but to feel the warm sun touching every part of your bared skin and to just feel warm all over and to smell fresh cut grass and being chased inside by hornets...speaking of which, I had a bizarre dream last night about trying to kill a yellow jacket and being unable to. I'll have to look up what that means.

Stuck

I stayed up last night until 2:30 AM talking with Brian while he was plowing. He had been up since 3 yesterday morning and so I kept him company on the phone to keep him awake. I don't have to be at work until 1 today. The roads are shitty. I was actually STUCK today. There is lovely ice under all of this snow and my car doesn't like ice. Thankfully a very nice gentleman saw me shoveling and pulled over to help get me out of the end of the driveway.

I haven't heard from Jessy yet, so I am assuming it is work as usual.

Jenn and Baby Emily

Jenn and Baby Emily
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Isn't this the CUTEST baby in the world???

Time Flies

It has been 1 year and 5 months since I met Brian. It has been 11 months since we broke up the first time. 7 months since we got back together for 2 months. 5 months since we broke up the second time. 3 months since Brian told me he loved me. 1 week since I slept with him and two days since I googled him.

Monday, Monday

I hope everyone's weekends went well. Eric and Erin were going to N.H. Jade and Eddie were going to N.H. Jessica was having her birthday party at the Tiki Saturday night. Sorry I missed it. My stomach has been giving me some trouble and if I had gone to the Tiki, I'd have talked myself into drinking so I decided to drive to Portland and spend some time with the kids.

Today I have to work at 1. I could use another day off. The weekends don't last long enough anymore.

Sundays

Today has been a nice relaxing day. I cleaned my room and cooked some homeade Spanish rice. My kids love it. My grandmother came over for the day and stayed for supper. She is in the kitchen playing The Simpson's version of Clue with the kids. First they played rummy and then some poker. Then she showed Hayley some different knitting techniques. Hayley has been knitting since about the 4th grade and she is now moving on to sweaters and I can only knit a scarf, so I am no help to her. It has been nice spending time with Grandma today. Normally she drives me up a wall, but she is in a good mood today and not overly critical of how I do things AND actually complimented my cooking skills this evening.

Now I get to do the fun task of pairing up socks while watching School of Rock. Barb has never seen it. This movie still cracks me up after a hundred times of watching it with the kids. Jack Black makes me laugh.

Portland

The kids and I woke up fairly early for a Saturday, so we cleaned the house real quick, got ready and spent the day and evening in Portland, getting home at exactly midnight. The girls and I spent about 5 hours in the Mall and then spent 2 driving around Portland and the Old Port, where we stopped to have dinner at DiMillos. There was a 45 minute wait and this was at 8 PM, and thankfully the girls are not huge seafood people. We were standing around waiting when I started thinking, you know what, I am the only one that really likes seafood so let's go somewhere else. This is a good thing because of all the times Brian and I have eaten there, I have never paid attention to prices. The cheapest entree prices were $22, and they went up to $45 (that would be for the Surf and Turf that Brian gets). I always get grilled salmon or broiled scallops there. ALWAYS. Each was $22. So I made a mental note to myself to be especially nice to Brian next time because he always pays for everything and never complains. So anyway, the girls and I went to Eggspectations again. This is the third time I've eaten there. I am becoming a regular. The waiter was cute and Barb ordered iced tea and she meant to say "with lemon" but it came out "with ice"...the waiter was cool and was like, "Okay, one iced tea with ice..." I was also getting iced tea and he asked me if I wanted ice with mine as well.

It was great to get out for the day and spend some time with the girls and with Barb and Shannon. Zach spent the day with Desaraye, but as soon as we got to the mall, I knew he should have been with us. I forgot Chucke Cheese is right there. The last time I went to Chucke Cheese, I got food poisoning, but that was in Virginia and he loves it there. There is also this place that Flint was telling me about, called Jokers. Zach would love that too.

Rooms at Motel 6 are only $40, so I am going to book one in a few weeks and take the kids back and spend a weekend. They are excited about moving there and they LOVE the idea of being closer to Old Orchard! They want to move now.

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Current Music: anything but Tom Petty ( he is played quite frequently on all of Portland's classic rock stations, or at least the two I listen to, 102.9 WBLM and 107.5 and I am Tom Petty'd out!)

Morning News

The news for this morning is that there really is no news. I'm latte bound. I went to bed last night around 9 and I slept right thru until 6...then dozed until almost 8. This past week has seen some fantastic ups and downs for me. How can a week start so great ( I slept with Brian) and end so blah? So, I started thinking, you just have to take the good with the bad. THEN I started thinking, where have I heard this before? Sure enough, I start humming and mentally singing "You take the good/You take the bad/There you have/The facts of life/The facts of life"...for all of you Nick at Nite watchers or for you early generation x'ers...the theme song from The Facts of Life...sung by Gloria Lorning, who used to be on Days of Our Lives and was also married to Alan Thicke, who would eventually go down in eternal tv history as Dr. Jason Seaver...Mike's dad! :)
Of course, in TV land there is the reassurrence that all conflicts will be resolved in 30 minutes followed by enthusiastic applause. I'm waiting for the conflict resolution phase or at least some enthusiastic cheer.

I think I am going snowshoeing and/or x-country skiing sometime this weekend. I need to shake off this mood. I don't even think it is a mood. I am just frustrated with Brian. I'm supposed to take the kids downhill tomorrow or Sunday so that should cheer me up.

Current Mood: tired of emotionally draining people sucking my normally good natured spirit DRY...what do the words, "I need happy people" mean to you? Get happy, then talk to me.

Current Music: Why Don't We get Drunk and Screw...Jimmy Buffet

Bailey Tackle

Bailey Tackle
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

I especially like my hair in this one.

Long Day

A very long day today. I don't know why. AJ called last night at about 10:30 PM...we talked until 1:30 AM. He and I are like that. We can go a month, two months, without talking and just pick up the phone and talk for hours. He asked if I was back with Brian and I told him that I saw him this weekend. I figured I'd sleep in today, since I didn't have to be at work until 1, but NOOOOO...I was out the door by 8:30. Got my latte, went to the doctor's, Walmart, etc. The doctor's was kind of depressing. If I lose 10 more pounds, I'll weigh less than what I did in high school.

Work was good. I love Jessy, Jade, Erica, and Carey. They are a great bunch of girls to work with. I am very lucky. The last hour kind of dragged. Brian hasn't been feeling well this week, so he has been kind of quiet. Big surprise. I slept with him Saturday, so I should have expected this. I know I've complicated things for him. I know he really wants to be closer in distance to me and I know it bothers him that he feels like he has to stay in Presque Isle until Paul graduates. I also know when he thinks too much about me or US he can't focus on work.

Oh well. I need to get out of the house tonight. Maybe I'll take the kids to supper.

Current Mood: super tired
Current Music: One is the Lonliest Number....Snowbell on Stuart Little 2

I have to be at work at 1 PM today. I have a million little errands I could be doing before that, but instead, I am sitting here, enjoying my latte from Ampersand's and blogging! This particular latte today seems especially good! Just the right temp, just the right sweetness.

Anyway, I am just sipping away and enjoying the quiet of the house. The kids are all back in school. Last week was February vacation and yesterday was a snow day. It is so quiet here right now and normally that ghostly quiet drives me nuts and I have to get out of the house as quickly as possible, but today it is kind of nice. I'm going to put in some CD's and do nothing until I have to leave the house. I am supposed to swing by Flint's house and pick up some of my stuff. I have been putting that off for a few weeks. He called last night and asked when I was coming over to get it. I am just getting a weird feeling about that. SO, if you all never hear from me again, tip off the police as to where my body might be located! Nah, I don't think it'll be that bad, but honestly, we really don't have much more to say to each other, and I'd rather he just drop the stuff off at work, where I'll at least be with other people.

I know I need a vacation! Not just days off, I mean ROAD TRIP!!! Last year, I was just getting back from Virginia. I won't get back down there until April. I know that is only a month away, but this will be a long month. I am starting to plan this year for Mardi Gras next year. I am GOING! I've never been and it always seems like I am otherwise preoccupied when the holiday sneaks up on me. Bailey's parents, David and Karen, went this year and they brought me back a ton of beads. I have them hanging on my rearview and everyone asks with raised eyebrows, "How'd you get Mardi Gras beads, hmmm???" Anyone who knows me at all would not even have to ask that question. Flashing my boobas in a public place to accumulate the most beaded necklaces sounds like a good time to me! :)

I seriously have to keep the money I have in my savings, IN MY SAVINGS. I need it for the big move. I do have enough in the budget for the Virginia trip, but I have to be careful because I could easily piss my money away taking cruises and island hopping! It is strange how easily that kind of traveling comes to me. Further concluding my childhood hypothesis that I am really the reigning princess of some small country who was stolen at birth and my real parents will be coming for me soon, so I can reclaim my rightful place on the throne! :) My friend Traci Farrenkopf and I, back in highschool, seriously did NOT fit in. We had such expensive tastes back then. While most of the girls needed Coca-cola shirts and Guess jeans, Traci and I were like, give us Dolce & Gabana, give us Ralph Lauren (who still happens to be my favorite designer), give us Versace. My favorite vacation at that time in my life was my trip to Hollywood for my 17th birthday. I'm certainly not flashy in dress, nor am I overly creative. I do like "classic" pieces and I do not mind spending retail price on a quality, designer piece that I can get several seasons out of. If it is simply a fad item that proves to be a MUST have, I will find it at an Outlet in Freeport or I'll find a cheap knock-off somewhere, but I've learned to skip most fads and just stay with the classic tried and true. I dress for my body type and being well-endowed, I have to simply say no to some fads. Like those cute peasant-like shirts...Cute if you are flat chested. Not so cute when it makes you look perpetually pregnant. Same goes with empire waist cut shirts or dresses. Makes me look preggo. With skirts, it has to be above the knee or long by my ankles. Knee length dresses or skirts makes my legs look stubby. I used to agonize over this capped-sleeve fad, because this style makes my arms look chubby, but since I've lost all this weight, the cap sleeves are cute! My most depressing days are when I have money burning a hole in my pocket and I can't find a damn thing I want to spend it on. Thankfully, that doesn't occur very often.

I can seriously talk fashion all day. I love clothes! I love shoes! I love belts! I love leather! Not so crazy about fur or feathers.

Current Music: Shakin' Eddie Money
Current Mood: I wanna go shopping now! :)

Jenn and Katie

Jenn and Katie
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

What a face, Katie!!! Nice Oreo mustache she has today! She is my girl!

Jenn Katie and Zach

Jenn Katie and Zach
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

This was a very long day at work. Thankfully, my students are pretty damn cute! I love my job!!!

HAPPY MARCH

What a way to wake up this morning. SNOW, SNOW, SNOW!!!

I think I am going skiing this weekend. The kids are dying to go.

Brian Playing Dress Up

Brian Playing Dress Up
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

What is not to love? Any man who will wear a tutu and bonnet and look adorable doing it, is the man for me! Brian was at his friends house (Dalton and Peggy) and this is their niece. They are pretty cute!!!

Spit Balls

I took the kids to Wendy's for supper tonight. We had a great time. All the kids are home now after enjoying their February vacation in different parts of the state. My son unfortunately saved his straw and is nailing the girls (great aim, by the way) with spitballs. He got Shannon on the side of the head. He got one in Kayla's frosty. It's all fun and games until he hits me! :)

Well, I am weeding out my closet. I have about 15 pairs of jeans that I am throwing away because they are too big for me. I've hung on to them as long as I could, thinking this weight loss might be temporary. But I had to buy new jeans that fit me and alas, I have no more room in my dressers and closets. I even have to buy new bras. This is not easy. Cup size I am still a strong D, however, I used to be a 34-36 around my rib cage depending on the brand of bra, and now I am a 32 D...does anyone know how impossible this size is to find? It used to be that 34 D was difficult to find, but thanks to Pamela Anderson, she has become a popular implant size and consequently manufacturers are meeting the demand.

Last night was the first time I have seen Brian since November and he has lost so much weight. He is thinner than when I met him a year and a half ago. As soon as he saw me, and got me alone, he said "We have to do something about this weightloss of yours." He asked when I weighed myself last and I explained that I have stopped doing that because it just increases my anxiety about the weightloss. Obviously, the doctors will know at my next appointment and I can obviously tell I've lost more because the last jeans I went shopping for are now getting too big. I think I am getting the disappearing butt disease. I LOVED my ass. And I loved how my ass looked in jeans. Now, every pair of jeans I buy, to get them to fit so they don't fall off my hips, leaves a saggy place in my jeans, where my ass used to be.

Current Music: The Dance CD...Fleetwood Mac
Current Mood: very happy and scared about Brian and I being back together

I Love Brian

We had the most perfect evening we've ever had together last night.
The drive up and back was relatively uneventful. I'm glad to have Zach home at last! I've missed my baby!

Headed to Presque Isle

I'm headed to P.I. tomorrow. I wasn't going up until Sunday to get Zach, but I talked to Jessica tonight and she has the weekend off. Plus, today Brian asked if I was coming up tomorrow. I think he has snowmobiling plans with Cassie but he said they'd be back early (after lunch)...soooooo, I'm going shopping tonite. Sleeping in tomorrow and then headed up to hang out with my gang at the Tiki! :) Good Times!!!

Updated Update

Long day at work. Party at my mom's for Kayla's birthday. I talked with Brian for a little while tonite and I think I am going to bed. I'll read a little while.

Current Mood: Still tired

Current Music: Dancing in the Moonlight

Update

I talked with Brian last night for 4 hours. We laughed, we cried. He loves me. For today, this is enough. We don't know the whys or the hows, but right now this is all we can handle.

Current Mood: very tired...it is early and I have to work 7:30-4:30 today.
Current Music: Feels Like the First Time...Foreigner

Taco Bell...Ever feel like you are being watched?

Okay...so we are the only people in Taco Bell and I place our order.


Taco Bell Guy: Your order number is 245.
Me: Thank you
(Minutes go by, conversation ensues, I forget my number)
Taco Bell Guy: Order 245...Order 245
(He continues to look around an obviously empty dining room)

I look around. We are still the only people in Taco Bell. I can't remember my number.
Taco Bell Guy continues to repeat "Order 245"...

I approach the counter.
Me: I think that is us.
TBG: Are you order 245?
Me: I forgot my number, but we are the only people that have been in here.
TBG: The number is in case we get busy.
Me: Right, well, I am pretty sure this is our order.

I stand back waiting for Candid Camera to come out any moment.

Growing Old

What a bizarre few days. Very nostalgic, going through old things (letters, cards, notes, announcements, etc.), vivid dreams of Brian and just coming across videos and old correspondence. For instance, I haven't been able to find one of my home videos and it suddenly just "turned up" one day, under my new t.v, in my newer t.v. stand, in my new bedroom. HUH! Anyway, Kayla's 15th birthday is tomorrow. So after watching the "Baby Zach" movie, that I had thought was lost, I was inspired to watch the "Baby Kayla" movie, which spurred me to watch my aunt's wedding which took place when I was 14. So many family members are dead now and my own children have literally grown up right before my very eyes. I went through some papers today and found a bag of my things I had in my teenage room at home. Old love notes, movie stubs, concert tix, etc. then I found birthday cards from my parents the last year they were still married...signed Love, Mom AND Dad...then a special birthday card from my dad, who I haven't seen in 4 years this September. Lots of I Love You cards from the girls' dad to me. A card signed by my now dead grandfather. 15 years ago, I was a different girl. A whole lifetime has happened since then.
The dream of Brian was very weird. It was like he was right there. I hate dreams like that because you wake up really happy that things are normal and none of the bad stuff has ever happened and that lasts for like 2 seconds and then you remember it all again. It comes rushing in and almost feels as bad. It can ruin a whole day for me. I was very sad at work and got teary-eyed a few times, thinking about him, thinking about my kids when they were little and missing my dad very much, so when Jessy offered to let one of us go home early, I jumped at the chance. Wouldn't you know, after not hearing from Brian since Valentine's Day, he would instant message me last night AFTER I went to bed. I got it this afternoon, when I went online. We caught up and then he said," One of the things I love the most about you is your unwillingness to give up. Don't ever change that." Then he asked if I was going to let him help me move, when the time comes and then said we could talk tonight.
All I can say, that dream really depressed me this afternoon and I am so tired of talking to Brian and getting hopeful that he has worked things out. This weekend was nice and I wasn't concerned with him at all. I spent the weekend not missing Brian, enjoying the euphoria of not missing him, asking myself if maybe I wasn't as in love with him as I thought. I think that is why those dreams last night kind of shook things up today. He is always saying he just needs time to figure stuff out and really that is what I need. I don't see how talking to him tonight is going to be of any help to me. We've talked the relationship to its death. I love him. He loves me. But that isn't enough, I guess. It isn't enough for him. I have way too much to do in the upcoming weeks and months and I don't need to waste time obsessing about why Brian and I are not working. Thankfully, that is what my blog is proving to be for. An outlet for my sometimes needless obsessing and a place for me to refine my hopes and dreams.

Clarification and Work Woes

For the record, I was never implying in my email to God, that anyone with any kind of confliction is less worthy of love. Of course a parent will love their child no matter what that child may look like. My point was, people spend a LOT of money in this culture fixing teeth and eyes...those were two traits that popped to mind when I was writing that piece...not to mention, this opens up a whole other can of worms being that only those that can AFFORD to fix those things, actually DO fix those things, and the ones that can't, save up for it, or spend their lives being ridiculed and carrying around excess baggage because of the horrors of being exposed to public schools.

ANYWAY...this has been a long week at work. Still love my job, but it's been long hours and things have been hit or miss with Caitlyn and Katie this week. My long, three day weekend was nice, though. I needed the break. I had a nice weekend. Went shopping, went out to eat a few times, went shopping for new furniture, etc.

Jim emailed...the Bucksport gig is starting up. There aren't enough hours in the day sometimes. I'd rather be busy though. It keeps me out of depression-mode.

Summer will be here soon. I think my 15 year old daughter has talked me into letting her get her tongue pierced for her birthday. She got her belly button done two years ago.

Work is Hell on Earth

Today was hell at work. Katie and Caitlyn were MONSTERS!!! I can't reiterate that enough. There is not enough alcohol in the world, I am afraid, to make the scars of today go away! But I'll have fun trying!!! :)

And psycho mother of 13 month old that got scratched yesterday pulled her out of Jessy's room. Jessy called work tonite and blamed it all on Jade. Not entirely professional.

Hayley said AJ called tonite while I was driving home from work.

Well, I got to go get beautiful. Going out to dinner tonite.

A Few Things I am going to ask God

One of the first things I am going to ask God, when I meet Him one day, assuming I am going to meet Him one day is Why all the differences?

I mean, skin color, hair color, eye color, body shapes and sizes, I understand that. Variety is the spice of life...Agreed!

However, there are certain parts that we all have, such as teeth, eyes, feet, noses, etc that a little conformality could be a nice thing...Now why can't everyone's teeth fit in their mouths and be straight? Personally, I never tire of gazing at sparking white straight teeth. And eyes...what is wrong with having them pointed in the right direction? What important lesson are these people learning for Heaven? I have never said, you know, I am tired of guys whose eyes are looking right at mine. I need to find me a googly-eye man. And feet...the same size would be nice. I am sure in some cultures this is a gift from You. My point is, the human eye, by nature, is designed to seek out symetrically appealing faces...and You, the Creator of Design should have seen this as a little snafu on Your part in regards to our Heavenly design. Yes, I know, our earthly bodies will be of no use to us in Heaven, but for the time being, throw us a bone! Not to be critical. I know you read blogs in Your spare time!

Bar scene

While doing my apartment/house hunting online today, a pop-up ad came on about finding/dating singles in the Portland area because we all know this IS the most important thing next to finding a job and a place to sleep! So I thought about it for two seconds and then thought, You know what? Single men with lots of baggage have NO trouble at all finding me, so I really don't have to seek this out. I'll just leave my forwarding address. Trouble will be sure to find me wherever I end up. Maybe there is something wrong with my technique.

Bar Scene/Coffee Shop/Bookstore/What Have You

I walk in and make eye contact with a few people.
I am disappointed with my choices of which I can select.
I sit with friends, intent on seeing my future in the Jack Daniels ice and coke configuration in my glass.
Suddenly I am approached.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Me: Sure, why not.

We proceed to the dance floor.
If he's cute, this is how this will play out.

Man: Can I call you sometime?
Me: Depends...do you have an ex-wife? ex-girlfriend? How long have you been single? Are you married now? Are you living with a woman? Do you just want sex? Do you just want to go to dinner? Are you new to the area and want to make friends? For that matter, DO YOU EVEN LIVE IN THIS AREA? Do you believe in God? Do you go to church? Do you like independent women? What are your thoughts on barefeet and pregnancy? Are you conservative? Do you hug trees? What is your generation? Have you ever been arrested? That doesn't necessarily rule you out, btw. Am I fat? If you could have any woman in this room, would you still be dancing with me?

Man: So can I call you?
Me: Sure, why not.

And you think I can make this shit up???

The Horror of Relocating

Okay, so I have been seriously planning the BIG MOVE. Having finished my ESL certification, I can now go anywhere in the world. Today I checked out jobsites in Korea, Japan, China, Honolulu, Texas, and Memphis, TN. I have applied and will continue to apply to jobs in the southern Maine area. I also checked out apartments and house/condo rentals in the Portland area. I found a nice one in Portland, 3-4 bedrooms, harbor views, hardwood floors, w/d hookup that ALLOWS pets! All for $1200/month. This I can do. I won't like it, but I can do it.

But then I started thinking about what this dog-o-mine is actually costing me, aside from the regular upkeep of food/medicine/vet bills, etc. If I move to Portland or anywhere else for that matter, it'll cost me $600 MORE per month just because I have this 10 year old dog. Too old to be of use to anyone but myself and too young to put to sleep and too much of a pain in the ass to burden a family member with. It would be cheaper to board her, and save myself $600 a month. I realize I have been a bit spoiled, living where I do. I presently pay $400/month plus my own utilities for a 4 bedroom house, with its own yard, parking, etc. and I can have pets. I feel so trapped right now. I just have to keep reminding myself that this will soon be over. I will someday be in a nursing home wondering why I ever gave a damn.

So assuming I land a cushy job and I find an amazing place to live, I will need to get my SHIT to said location. I am planning on renting the biggest U-Haul I can and loading her up. Then I can borrow my Papa's truck and load that up and somehow manage to drive two vehicles at once! I am sure I can find a friend or Kayla will get a crash course in Interstate Driving 101.

Also, which one of my friends has Verizon Internet??? Fess up!

Current Mood: Got my latte fix and anxious about relocating.

Current Music: "Drinking in the Old Port" Bob Marley (the comedien)...He reads this blog (I love you, Bob)...we play this little game where he pretends he doesn't know me when we run into each other on campus, at the Grand, or the Comedy Connection in Portland.

Long Staff Meetings...I need my LATTE!!!

We had a staff meeting at work last night. This would have made a great reality tv show. The meeting started at 5:30, which means I didn't go home since I got out of work at 4:30. It ended at 8 PM. Imagine 6 girls sitting in a 14 X 14 room, airing all complaints and grievances with each other. It went rather well actually. I genuinely like most of the girls that work there. There is only one that rubs me the wrong way. I like her. I respect her. She and I share my students and the kids like me more, so OF COURSE the reason for that is because I am more lax with them, with her being the more authoratative one. It has nothing to do with maybe my technique being better or maybe because having had THREE of my own kids, I might have a little more experience...I am not saying this is the case, nor am I saying I am the better teacher. I understand this might hurt her feelings when a group of 3 and 4 year olds say "Jennifer is our favorite"...don't take it out on me. It isn't like I have some great big plot to sabotage everything she's doing. The kids and I do our thing, and I expect her to do the same. Trust me, there are days when they don't like me either and there are certainly days when I hear, "We like Julie more"...what do I say to that? "GOOD! I do too!" Other than that, this meeting wasn't about me. I do my job, I help others when asked and even when not asked. I love all the kids and I LOVE my job.
That being said, there was a disgruntled parent at work today. Her 13 month old got a tiny scratch on her nose while playing with the other children. Oh the horror! You would have thought, by this parent's reaction, that we sat around and watched a group of 3 year olds hold her down and cut off limbs. I'm trying to be sympathetic. This is their first child, blah, blah, blah but come on! I was not like this with my first. I was not like this with my last, my baby. I find it hard to believe this is the first scratch that she's gotten in the first 13 months of her life. With my own children, if it isn't bleeding or twisted into some weird configuration, I don't want to hear it. And even if there is blood or a body part is hanging limply, they will probably still get the lecture about "this is why we don't DO such and such!" while driving them to the hospital. I am an extremely empathetic and sympathetic person, except when my child pulls his hat down over his eyes and tries to run through the backyard at top speed without hitting anything, only he hit the big maple head on and knocked himself out...I wasn't so sympathetic with that one...but usually I am...I am having trouble in this particular instance, though.
Anyway, I think Allison is mad about my post. I should have forwarned everyone that this is the place where I write what I must. It is a carthartic experience for me. I was joking about her illnesses and for the record, she doesn't work at Grave's Deli anymore...but she is still a lesbian! :) However, in light of what has been going on with her lately, she is having a hard time with getting it when someone is joking with her. So, I'll go easy on her in the future. Or at least until she is better. For some really good reading, read the 10 Things I Hate about my Flatmate blog...too funny.

I need my latte!
Current Mood: In need of Latte
Current Music: messages on my answering machine

I Wish I had a Day Off

I got nine hours of sleep last night. I took the kids to supper last night at Governor's. We ran into Gerry and Elaine and their crew. I forget how much I miss them. Sooooo, I was up by 6:15 AM this morning. It isn't so bad when you go to bed at 8:30 and are asleep by 9. I think we all have these internal body clocks and I am thinking mine runs best when I am on a 9-6 or 10-7 sleep schedule. I am cleaning today. Got my latte this morning. Picked up the living room and have some candles and incense burning and laundry going, which is why I could use the day off. I have a nice momentum going and I don't wish to have to break at 1 to go to work for three hours. The kids will all be at their dad's after school today, so maybe I'll stay in the cleaning mood when I get home for work. I need to stick around the house and definitely spring clean this weekend. Also, I have been seriously slacking about getting my butt to church. My kids and Shannon sat me down last night at Governor's and expressed their wishes that we all return to church this Sunday. The kids said they were going through Ken (our Pastor) withdrawals!!! I may not be the best houseskeeper or even the best mom, but I must be doing something right with these guys. Statistically speaking, they should all be drug and alcohol addicted, pregnant, running away from foster homes, etc. I was 17 when I got pregnant with Kayla. That in itself did not offer good odds for either her or myself. Her dad and I stayed together and we had Hayley. After the split, Kayla and Hayley SHOULD have had problems because their dad and I separated. All I can say is that I love them more than my own life and I tell them a million times a day how much I love them. My kids (all three) still like to cuddle with me, even at their ages, which are 15,13, and 10. They are all well-adjusted, lazy, sometimes spoiled, Jesus-loving teenagers that think their immediate world revolves around them and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Last year at this time, we were in Virginia. I can't really complain about this weather, though. My bank account couldn't handle a super long, super frigid winter this year. Anyway, got to get back to cleaning.

Current Mood: cleaning relaxes me...so relaxed
Current Music: Lifehouse

Taxes, Springtime, ESL

My taxes are all done. Just waiting for my REFUND!
The weather is beautiful, like it was last week, before all that snow. It is melting fast. The robin's are flying around, so that is a good sign and my front lawn is all muddy. Another good sign.

I have my new ESL student. Her name for the purpose of my blog will be *Kim*, which is actually her nickname in this country. She is originially from Korea. She has a daughter in middle school and wants to be able to write better English, "so she can get her deepest thoughts and feelings out"...well, I can help with that! :) She also wants to be able to communicate better with her daughter's school administrators. I can help with that, having two in middle school right now, with one on the way next year. That just blows my mind!!! Kayla will be in high school, Hayley will be in 8th grade and my baby Zach will be in 6th grade next year! There is this new baby at work. Her name is Emily and she looks just like mine did when they were little and smells like them, too. Anyway, she is 5 months old and even though I am the preschool teacher, that first day, Erica couldn't get her to take a nap, so I went in and rocked her and put her to sleep, so now Emily has sort of become mine. When she is having a bad day, the preschoolers and I take her in our room and we play with baby Emily for a little while, and of course, when we all regroup at the end of the day, waiting for parent's, Emily is mine then too. So, my point is, I really want another baby. I miss the whole baby thing. My preschoolers make me miss the whole 3-4 year old stage. I had really neat kids and they were just such good babies and toddlers. Mike and I had such a great time with Zach. We never really went on "dates" much when the girls were with their dad. We could have easily given Zach to my mom for the night, but we just loved having him with us all the time. Mike's leaving has really been hard on Zach. My little guy is a trooper, though. He was very sweet on Valentine's Day. He kissed my cheek and said "Happy Valentine's to my beautiful mommy" before heading up to bed.
The girls were sweet too this Valentine's, but Kayla had just gotten back from the vet's with her cat, who needed surgery for a bad cut she got on her underside. She was jumping on Kayla's shelf and knocked a picture frame over and it broke and the cat landed on it and the vet said she was very lucky the glass didn't hit any major organs, as it impailed her pretty good, and said she was lucky she didn't get her tail cut off...the cut is along where her intestines are, but the glass went in at an angle and only got meat. LOTS of stitches and money later, she is home running around with a cone around her neck and a tube sticking out of the stitched up area for drainage. Chloe goes back in tomorrow to have that taken out and to be checked for infection. Then the stitches will come out in about two weeks. Of course, I was at work when this all happened, so Kayla called her dad. He took her and the cat to the vet and paid for it all, which is a whole other rant that I'll continue later. I don't know why it bothers me so much to accept his help.

SLEEP

I just slept for 14 straight hours! I'm thinking I needed it. I was asleep by 7 PM last night. It has been a hectic last few days and I haven't had a chance to sleep in at all, so it was all catching up to me. Friday morning, I had to open up the school because Jessy was out and the roads were too bad for Erica to come in from Dexter. Zach and I were there by 6:45 AM. The roads were so bad, we closed at 3PM...which is good, because I was scheduled to be there until 5:30. That would have been a long day. I didn't get to bed until 11ish though, and I had class the next morning until 4:30 in the afternoon, BUT my ESL certification is completed, so it was worth it. Then Flint called because Haley needed help with her I-Book and her Holocaust project that was due on Monday, so I went over there after class and brought my I-Book and external CD burner to help her print off her project. He only has a PC and is not familiar with a MAC at all, and I am the only person he knows that has an I-Book. So that took a couple of hours and he kept saying he had something planned for after and for me to hurry up. I was getting ticked off because I was going to all of this trouble to help his daughter and I was so sorry if I was interfering with his love life! That is when he told me that he had wanted to take me to Portland for the night because he knows how much I have been talking about just wanting to get away for a few days. I was like, AWWWW...why didn't you tell me sooner? I'd have been a little faster. Instead we went to dinner and he said he'd take me to Portland in the morning. Which meant, I would not be sleeping in again.
Anyway, I went to bed early last night because I didn't want to take the chance of not being able to sleep in. My little plan worked. I have a doctor's appointment later today because I haven't been peeing much and I'm drinking normal amounts and I've had a lot of back pain by my kidney and so they want to check it out. Although, Sunday during the drive and visit to Portland, I was peeing double duty and had barely had anything to drink!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to ME!

Well, Valentine's wasn't so horrible after all. Flint took me to Freeport and Portland on Sunday. We were going to go Saturday night, but I was helping his daughter Haley with her Holocaust project, so instead we had supper at Smokey Bones and got up early Sunday to head to Freeport. There wasn't much going on there, so we went to Portland. I had a great latte at the Farmer's Market and took him to dinner at Eggspectations. Then we hung out at the Maine Mall and then stopped at the second largest Walmart in Maine (Waterville), where he bought me a cute stuffed animal and a frame for our picture we had done earlier and some chocolates and a movie, two cd's, and a mug with chocolates. Then last night, Eric stopped by with some beautiful roses for me!!! I was expecting him to drop off my white casserole dish, not flowers! It was the sweetest thing ever. I got an email from Brian wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. Second year in a row that he didn't get me flowers on this day, but who is counting. Also, yesterday, my students and I had a big Valentine's party and they all bought me the sweetest cards. Noah bought me a nice candle and a travel coffee mug! I bought them cards and candy bracelets. My nephew Tajin, who is three, sent me a sweet Valentine in the mail too! So all in all, it was a good day.

Today is okay. Ashlee didn't show up at work and never called in. I have been up since 6:30 AM...Flint called last night and said he was taking Matt's car in to have some new tires put on and asked if I would follow him and bring him home after dropping the car off. So I hung out with him for a while and got ready for work and then took him back to pick up the car at noon and headed to work.

So, now I am exhausted and have a date with Zach to go watch Garfield in my bedroom. We are going to bed early. It is 6:15 PM right now and I have to work tomorrow and Zach wants to get up extra early before school to work on his igloo.

DID, PTSD, MPD and Grave's Lesbian Deli Girl...Meet Allison

Allison is a special girl. Her therapist thinks she has DID, PTSD, or MPD...so she's not JUST nuts now...she has something to call it!!!

Do I think she has a split personality disorder? UM, no. Do I think she has posttraumatic stress disorder? UMMMM, no...and MPD is Multiple Personality Disorder for all of you that don't know what it is.

Do I think she is loopy? A little. But I don't think she needs to be on the medicine she is on and I think she probably needs a different therapist. Now she thinks she sees dead people. I think she watches too many movies.

OH.....

And today is Jim's birthday. I think it surprised him that I remembered. In the three years that I have known him, he has not once remembered my birthday. When I wished him a happy birthday, a pained look came across his face, making him feel like the ass that he is. In moments like that, it becomes obvious how much I had cared for him at one time. All I can say is, it didn't work out because I knew in my heart I'd meet "Brian" and even after everything, after all this time, there is no one that I trust like I trust him.

New Definition and Valentine's Sucks Anonymous

ho bath- (n): washing the essential parts (ie: what a ho would do in the morning or between johns)

I have found my knight in shining armor and his name is Duncan Hines.

My house is filled with the smell of freshly baked brownies, only half of which are left because I ate half the pan as soon as they came out of the over. Baking was my answer to the sudden, random meltdown that happened as soon as I walked in the door tonight after work.

It's just that sadness is sometimes a subtle, silent companion that only makes itself known when it so desires. What it comes down to is that I'm lonely. It's not an easy time of year to be single and nursing a broken heart. Every freaking store around is full of Valentine's Day decorations. The Party Saver and Brown & White Paper Company had their windows all decked out with artsy cards declaring, "All You Need is Love...and paper," and pretty displays of wedding invitations to weddings that actually happened. WHY?? Then there's the mannequin dressed in a wedding gown made of white paper. It's the Paper Store's special way of saying "fuck you..with paper."

When I was driving home one night, through Orono, there is this little alley next to Bear Brew and this guy was walking with his girlfriend and pulled her in it to kiss her. It upset me. Brian used to do stuff like that with me. Friends ask me all the time. WHY Brian? He is just a guy like all the others I've dated. I just can't explain what it is like to be with someone who just wanted to hold my hand. The night I met him, I didn't even want to go out. My friends coerced me into it. They said something like, you won't find the man of your dreams on your living room couch. So we went out. I had a horrible time bar hopping and was anxious to get the evening over with. Every place we ended up, Brian was there with his friend. So finally, at Denny's he sat at our table and introduced himself and ignored me for most of the group conversation. He guessed at my job. You're a hairdresser, he stated! No, I am a teacher. So he talked instead with Elaine and the Grave's Lesbian Deli Girl. I called it a night. He passed me his business card that I still carry in my purse. I emailed him that next Tuesday and the rest is history. Life is cruel sometimes. I don't know what is worse. Never getting what you want, or finding exactly what you want and have it taken away. Brings to mind some gay saying about "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Am I sad how things have turned out? Yeah. Would I preferred to missed out on Brian? No. But you don't miss what you've never had, so I wouldn't have ever known what I was missing. Jim says that maybe God doesn't have Brian in the plans for me and that whoever is in the plan, will superceed everything Brian is and will make me forget all about him.
I looked at Jim and said, I don't ever want to forget him.

For the record, he isn't perfect. In fact, I am irritated by him 80% of the time. I know I piss him off. But I love him.

Girl Eats/Bites Guys Left Nut...

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=583&e=2&u=/nm/20050210/od_nm/crime_britain_testicle_dc

Ever had one of THOSE days??? :)

Not a funny story...just another example of the fucked up world we live in.
I've never had that bad of an experience with a male to want to bite something off of him...I've been very angry and I've been very hurt. However, the only times I care to have those parts in my mouth are when I am extremely horny, happy or drunk!
Preferably all three!

What a shittay day today! The weather is horrible. The snow is still coming down. I bet when this is all said and done, we'll have had a 1 1/2 - 2 Feet of snow dropped on us. I had to be at work by 7 AM, so that meant I was shoveling my ass out of a snowdrift at 6 AM...Ampersand's does not open until 7, so that meant no latte. Brian didn't drop checks off to us at work today until 12, and I had my break at 11, so I missed the bank. I broke a glass jar of vinegar in my car a few weeks ago, and I am still unable to get all that gross stank out of my car, though it is getting better. I bought some odor spray and more air fresheners and vent fresheners...the lady at VIP was like, UM, do we have a problem??? Yes, you stupid prying biotch...let's just announce this in front of everyone in a busy store. I stink, okay? Didn't have time for a shower this morning. I thought I'd save some money and go for the Polo Air Freshener instead of the perfume!

My hair is frizzy because of the weather, my kids are puking and my *fixed* cat is in heat again for the umpteenth time. Jesus, I could bite into some testicles right now!!!

Jenn and Bailey

Jenn and Bailey
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

This is my girl! Gosh, I didn't realize how long my hair was getting! Time for a trim.

Jenn Bailey and Sammi

Jenn Bailey and Sammi
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Having Fun!

My Kids

My Kids
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

They are the sweetest class!

katie

katie
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

She is a nut! :)

jenn & katie

jenn&katie
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Aren't we cute???

Bailey Hugs!

baileyhugs
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Some of my students!!!

Lefties Do It Right...all night long

I just read a blog with the banner...Conservative Girls are Hot....ummmm, I don't think so!

MOOD UPDATE

Current Mood: Excited about the possibility of tomorrow night.

Current Music: You're So Vain...Carly Simon

SNOW, Red Sox Disease, Symptoms and Prevention, and the Trainwreck that is My Life

I just drove to Ampersand's to get my latte and the roads really aren't that bad right now. I am sure they might have been slick this A.M., like Eric says they were, but by 10:30, they were just wet. Then again, Grandma is a more adventurous driver than Eric! :) It is like 35 degrees out right now. I'm not quite certain as to why there were so many school cancelations this morning. Tomorrow morning looks like the more appropriate of the two. My kids certainly are not complaining though!

I am looking forward to going out with some friends tomorrow night. Hopefully, the kids don't have much planned. I already warned them that about the good possibility of my going out. Margarita's tequilla steak sounds heavenly right now!!! And who knows, maybe the man of my dreams will be in Orono, ME tomorrow night!!! I'm holding my breath on this one! It is rather depressing not being interested in anyone. There has always been someone who has something to pique my interests. Oh well, I'll enjoy the calm while it lasts. Besides, who says there always has to be someone around that I am interested in? Who made those rules?

MY NEW RULES

I don't need to date anyone just because they are THERE and available.

I don't need to date just my TYPE. I am starting to think my type is wrong for me. It just perpetuates this cycle of angst that I am finding tiring. Eric teases me that my love life resembles those 80s flicks we so hate to love!

There is a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance. I seem to be attracted to the latter.

I will not be scared of getting what I want!!! I think I suffer from what Eric has coined The Red Sox Disease. Subconsciously, I am afraid that if I get what I want, there will be nothing else to yearn for, and boredom will ensue, with heartbreak soon to follow.

I will recognize that 80s television and movies have seriously ruined my dating life. Joanie Loves Chacci, Magnum PI, Miami Vice, Grease, The Love Boat, Top Gun, General Hospital, Santa Barbara, All My Children...I have morphed into some deranged version of Erica Kane, Eden Castillo and Laura.

Also, my sex sessions do not have to out do every porno I have ever seen. A worthy endeavor at one time, but a little unrealistic.

I WILL move to southern Maine.

I WILL pursue my doctorate.

I WILL write a novel.

I WILL find my father.

I WILL learn to fly.

I WILL NOT let my life resemble a bad country song.

I will embrace my jealous streak.

Beautiful!

I started my ESL certification class Wednesday and had an all day class today. We took a lunch break and a bunch of us walked over to a cafe and I had a wonderful tomatoe basil grilled cheese panini. It was 50ish today. Beautiful, wonderful spring-like weather. Definitely what I needed. My former Spanish professor at UMaine, Mari Carmen is taking the ESL class with me, as is Heather, Justin and Jessica. We are having a great time hanging out and catching up. I can't believe how much I miss being a student! Class is going well. My job hunt in southern Maine is keeping me busy. This warm weather is making me want to move NOW! I am thinking California might be nice.

Can't Believe it is February!

This year is already blowing right by! Can you believe that Ground Hog day is tomorrow, I think (Feb 2) and so that means 6 weeks left of winter. I know that doesn't necessarily apply to Maine, but in six weeks, we'll be mid-March and the temps won't be as frigid as they have been. January has always been my least favorite month. February is so short and the kids have their school vacations, and it is typically when we take our family vacation. Last year, the kids and I spent the week in DC. This year, finances being what they are, means we're taking our family vacation in April this year. We're spending it in New Jersey, going to 6 Flags and Atlantic City and visiting with family. I need to get away. If we don't go to New Jersey, we'll go back to Viriginia, so Zach can see his dad, but New Jersey is close enough to VA, so Mike can drive up. I can still remember our vacation last year. We left Bangor at 10 AM and we were in DC by 8:30 that night and in Manassas by 10, after a little detour by me (I got a little lost trying to find the house we were staying at.) What I remember the most was leaving a 30 degree Maine and opening the door to a nice 62 degree Virginia. That is the best feeling in the world.

Feeling Better

I am feeling so much better. I had a meeting today with City officials about future funding for FLC. It looks like everything is a go and back on track but I am so frustrated with the whole process. The closer I come to the policital/financial side of my job, the more I loathe it. I love teaching and I love my students. What I don't love is busting my ass, assisting with grant writing, soliciting private funders, etc., only for the City to take their cut and pat me on the head and continue to "LET" me work for them. My biggest peeve with the city is why OFFER something if you can not PROVIDE the said service? They city has generously donated the facility to offer such services as: coordination of education/training/planning, homework and GED assistance, yet has zero dollars to provide the services. It is up to FLC to come up with their own funding. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, these kids have lost their afterschool programs and GED prep classes until funding resumes, which should start as of next week. And the Case Manager of these children spoke of them like they were her best friends. After the meeting, I asked a question of the case manager privately, pertaining to one of my students, whose case she manages, and she was like, WHO? Yet the tenants of this housing project "are individuals and families who are treated with dignity and respect by the service professionals involved in the project, and in every contact, experience the highest standards of professional contact from these workers." Yeah, and some of us even know their NAMES!
So while the board was bitching and moaning about how much funding the program will take to continue and how the city is losing $575/month in rental potential for the building they are lending, I was asked how much my services were going to cost. Originally, I signed on as a volunteer only, tutoring these kids Tuesday and Thursday nights. I was offered the coordinator postion after Jill was re-assigned. So I said, as it stands now, I feel personally obligated to these children to get their program back up and running. If I must do this without financial compensation, then that is what I must do. However, once the program is back on its feet, if I am assuming Coordiator duties, then I will expect Coordinator compensation. That lacking, I will resume my tutoring/mentoring duties on a voluntary basis, an evening or two a week.

Down Hill

Things went downhill fast after my last post. I had the stomach flu pretty bad, starting late yesterday until about 2 AM this morning. I'm feeling much better today, just a little weak. I am drinking some gingerale and some juice. I think I am going to have some weak tea. I don't care to ever eat again, that is for sure!

Up an showered and no where to go!

I've been up since about 9 AM. Very tired today. Didn't sleep well at all, but that is because Zach and I fell asleep on the couch last night watching movies! So today, I have a stiff neck and my head still hurts from yesterday. I woke up, went to get my latte and came home to take a shower. I'm looking all beautiful and thought I should head out into the world looking for my dream man, when I decided to just put some clean pj's on and my comfy robe and curl up on the couch, watching the rest of the movies.

We rented Open Water, The Forgotten, First Daughter and Little Black Book. Now, we're watching Identity. Open Water was good, bad acting of course, but good story line, however, the ending was very disturbing. I'm a happy ending sort of girl, even in my own life. I wouldn't be able to get thru my life if I didn't believe it was going to have a happy ending. The Forgotten wasn't like anything I anticipated it to be. I think it could have been much better done, but Julianne Moore had a good performance in it. I expected more from Gary Sinise and Anthony Edwards. Little Black Book had a fantastic story line which I could definitely relate to, however it was so badly written! Brittney Murphy, Holly Hunter and Kathy Bates did all they could with it, I think, but Brittney looked strung out on heroine thru most of it. Bad make-up job. First Daughter was like I expected. Teen-girly love story. I'm feeling a bit too jaded and old to get any enjoyment out of that one. Identity, with John Cusack and Amanda Peet looks like there is some potential. I'll keep you posted.

Current Mood: unmotivated

Sinus trouble

I really hate sinusitis. My head aches, my ears ache, my eyes are puffy and my cheekbones close to each side of my nose hurt AND I have a stabbing pain at the top of my head. I'm also all crampy and cranky!!! But at least I am not pregnant! That would be the worst news right now. I feel like I'm not sleeping enough, even though I am in bed 8-11 hours a night, depending on when I have to get up for work. I probably sleep 7-8 of those hours. I actually think it is my coffee. I usually drink one double Irishcream latte a day, so my body is accustomed to that. However, with all of this sinus trouble, I haven't been getting a full night's rest without waking up a few times a night, which makes me groggy during the day, which leads to more coffee during the day, which leads to less restful sleep at night. A vicious cycle.

Anyway, Brian thinks the all my sinus trouble is because of my furnace. Could be, but I have no heat in my bedroom and it is about 65 degrees in there, which is perfect for sleeping, I am told. I am not in the house most of the day, as I am at work, and so I am only around my furnace for maybe 3-4 hours per evening. My whole body is very dry this winter, especially my face, so I bought a heavier moisturizer. It seems to be helping and I mix it with my foundation so I don't look so terribly pale. I need to start tanning again, but I am nervous to start with my skin being as dry as it has been.

SO my job seach has begun. I am applying to all teaching jobs I run across, even if that takes me downstate. I am looking forward to starting anew, even if it scares the crap out of me. I want a better house and a better car, and to have those things, I am going to have to get full-time employment, utilizing my teaching degree. I do love my present jobs, though, and I have made some very special friends, so I think I am okay where I am for the moment, and will hopefully have a new job lined up for next fall. That will give me the summer to move and get situated and get the kids enrolled into new schools. It scares me to think about my first night in my new place. Whenever I have moved, I have done so with the kids' dad, so I am anticipating our first night in our new place will both scare and excite me. Kind of makes me feel like a grown-up, though, having to make all these decisions. I don't have to ask anybody but me about what I want in a house or a car or a job, etc. You would think having kids makes you feel like a grown-up. Not so. For about the first ten years of having my kids, I would have to say that I often still felt like a kid that was playing pretend and that someone was going to come in at anytime and say, Game Over.

Current Mood: Still not feeling up to par, but my mood is good.
Current Music: Jennifer Knapp CD

I'm a grandma!

Kayla and Shannon brought home egg babies from school! Somehow, I think egg babies are a gross misrepresentation of the real thing. I don't recall Kayla sitting in a little basket SILENT! I think those dolls that don't ever stop crying give the kids a much better idea of what parenting is all about. But still, neither an egg nor a doll eats, cries or poops.

Three kids were sent home from school today vomiting. Ashlee comes into my room and says, "Uh Jenn, Zach (not my son) just puked on me, can you watch my room for a minute?" She has only been there for a week! Welcome to preschool! :)

This Just In

My cats are having SEX!!!
Okay, Chloe doesn't even LIKE Xander!!! She has been in heat before, and she prefers the dog over Xander. Not to mention he (Xander) has been neutered. I thought he couldn't do that!!!
Man oh man, I don't know why I feel violated. I walk on that carpet!!!
My son just said, "this burns the eyes. I am not ready for this yet!"
I feel like I just walked in on one of my children having sex. My son is like, "How many times can they do that?"

Instant Messenger Rant, Top Ten Lists

It's finally happened. My messenger has become an extension of my phone. I am phone-phobic as I just don't like talking on the phone because I find it hard to end a conversation. (Although, I can talk or text message incessantly on my cell phone! Go figure! ) SO, i got Caller ID and an anwering machine so I can avoid talking to long-winded people, telemarketers and Grandma. I weed out my buddylist every so often and keep the important people on, but it never fails, after a time, I have to use my cloaking device to stay invisible to some people. However, I get annoyed when Brian or Flint IM me when they are invisible, like WHY are you hiding? WHO are you hiding from? Brian only does it because he doesn't have time somedays when he is in the office to everyone, but he lets me know when he's on. On PC's, you can right-click with the mouse and only highlight the people you want to be invisible to, but you have to do this separately each session. On OS X 10.3 (Mac Panther), this is not an option.

My 10 year old son is making his first Diarama! How gay. I hated making those things in school. He is really clever, though and made this really cool campfire using Origami techniques. He's also waited till the last minute to start the project. Proof he is genetically mine!!!

I am so bored, I decided to make some Top Ten Lists.

Top Ten Things I Hate

10. Acute Sinusitus
9. Boredom (an occasional lack of creativity on my part)
8. People who can not spell Friend...it isn't Freind!
7. People who can't spell, in general, except for obvious typos.
6. Liberal-bashers...it takes a broad spectrum of people to make America what it is.
5. Miracle Whip
4. Back-stabbers
3. Bad dreams
2. The Bachelorette
1. Procrastination and Funerals

Top Ten Things I LOVE

10. Music and dancing
9. Teaching
8. Writing
7. Motorcycles
6. Men
5. Movies (even bad ones, they are the best!!!)
4. Shopping
3. Brian
2. Jesus
1. My KIDS and Easy Mac and Teen Week Jeopardy!!!

Top Ten Things I Want in a Relationship (not in order of importance)

10. Trust
9. Honesty
8. Sexual Attraction
7. Compatible senses of humor
6. Quality time
5. LOVE
4. Maintaining a certain level of independence
3. Monogomy
2. Feeling wanted
1. Cuddling

Current Mood: Okay. Just Okay.
Current Music: Jeopardy Theme Music...y'all will be humming it all day now! :)

Friends

It never fails, no matter how bad my day has been, an episode of Friends can always cheer me up.
It has just been a crappy day. It is so cold outside. Flint and I had THE talk. He asked where he stood with me and I told him that while I like spending time with him, I am feeling pressured to make decisions or commitments that I don't feel like I am ready to make with him. Facts: He was fired for sexual harassment. My kids aren't crazy about him. I have had a weird gut feeling about the whole thing from the beginning, which I ignored because I chalked it up to my previous relationship to Brian. I just don't trust him. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship for me.

SOOOOOO, he told me to call when I am ready. And then he thanked me and said he is taking another girl to Portland this weekend. I'm really okay, though. It is a big relief to have this over.

Good Times

I had a great time Saturday night at Erin's dinner theater. Eric and I pretended we were divorced. It was a lot of fun! We got to have dinner and sit around and pretend that this was our high school reunion and figure out whodunit! Great time!

I love snow days!!!

Snow days are holidays!
I get to hang out at the house, chill with the kids, clean and organize and get paid anyway!
My doggie is loving having us at the house. Usually she is alone on the weekdays and is definitely enjoying the company. She's not a snowlover though. Never has been. I will always remember her first snow when she was a puppy, about 11 years ago. I opened the door, she ran out, and came to a skidding halt once she touched the funny, wet white stuff. Turned right around and ran back inside. I panicked thinking how I would ever get her house-trained when she wouldn't even go outside. I used to have to carry her. She tolerates it now, but her favorite spot on a cold and snowy winter day is right on her favorite cushion, sleeping the day away.

The cats however, are not so glad to have us around today. Flea baths and fancy dry skin lotion for them!!! The dog is chasing them around now like they are brand new cats! Pretty comical!!!
Well, gots to get back to cleaning my room!

Current Mood: Happy to have a day off!
Current Music: Let's Get It On

I Don't Feel Good!

I hate being sick. My throat is killing me. We've been under-staffed at work and I am just plain tired. So much for part-time jobs. This week will be close to 40 hours.
Today's big news is that cancer has now become the leading cause of death over heart disease. DUH! I know way more people who have died from cancer than heart disease. And to think some jackass just got his doctorate writing a dissertation on THAT!

Current Mood: very crabby, not feeling very well.

I am going to bed.

New Year New Beginnings

Brian called Saturday and last night. We talked for a little over two hours. I told him that I am signing up for flight lessons. He thinks it is a great idea. Actually, he is only 3 hours away from being able to go solo. This, I never knew. He didn't continue getting his private pilot's certification because it had started getting too expensive. I think I am at a place financially that I can afford the beginning classes and then as things get more expensive, I should be working full-time at a career using my teaching degree and so my finances should be increasing as well. Plus, I can do this at my own pace, at a pace I can afford. So, I am excited about learning something new.

I am so happy that I woke up this morning and my car started. It is so cold out right now. She didn't want to start, as she is a warm weather girl, like myself, but she does her best not to let me down and she came through. I promised I'd let her warm up appropriately before making her go anywhere.

My kids all went to school today. They tried hard to stay home, but they had yesterday off. I had yesterday off, too. I really like paid holidays.

Well, my car is warming up and I need to get ready for my latte. Eric was supposed to be by at 7:30 to pick up a 19-inch television I am giving them, but he is not here.

Brian's favorite pic

jenn02
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

Torque

I have decided I think I am going to get my motorcycle license.

Advantages to Drama

The biggest advantage to all this drama is that I am now down to a size 6 in jeans!
I finally had to break down and go shopping.

Current Mood: a little tired

Current Music: none...I'm watching Willow.

AM I Hillary Clinton?

How bizarre is this? Okay, you've all been following the Flint saga, right?

I've talked with him twice this evening and we've talked everything thru. I still don't feel like I can trust him as far as I can throw him, but I am strangely attracted to him now. I mean, I've always been attracted to him, and I love sex, so it is a given that we'd hook up in that way, but since finding out he is Marv Albert's prodigy, I'm horny as hell. I even agreed to see him tomorrow morning before going into work. Even AFTER finding out his "friend" came over today to help him write a new resume, which was why he couldn't call me. It's like, now that he is no longer marriage material, I can let loose and have fun with him, like I would have, had he just been a friend with benefits. Let's bring out the whips and leather cat suits, baby!

Plus, I told him all about starting to talk to Brian again, and about the little fact, that while he knows I am Jim's grad assistant, he didn't know about our past sexual relationship. He knows now! :)

Current Mood: Light and horny

Current Music: Dirty White Boy Foreigner

Jennie's Got a Gun

Jennie's got a gun
What her boyfriend do?
What did he put her thru?

He was a sexual harasser,
A two-timing bastard,
Then she was tellin' him
They were thru.

They said that when Jennie
Was arrested
They found him underneath
The chair.



Oh man, if this wasn't happening to me, I'd think it was better than fiction!!! Well, I am pretty certain that I am currently single and available once more. Life is grand.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Can You Feel the Love Tonite Sir Elton John

Sexual Harassment, Flint-Stoning, and VW blues

SOOOOOO, I just found out that my boyfriend, Flint, was fired from his job after 15+ years of working there, for sexual harassment. Apparently he's been telling the ladies that they need to sleep with him before getting the job. He's vehemently denying that part, but isn't denying having sex and/or conversations full of sexual inuendo. Whether or not this all happened before me, or during me, I'll never know. I couldn't put my finger on why I just couldn't trust him. Now, I know and I am grateful that I found this out before accepting his marriage proposal.

He also had a company vehicle and a company cell-phone, which were taken immediately away. He has no wheels and is looking for a new car. He's looking at a 1991 Volkswagon Jetta...but, Jenn, it has good tires!!!
Well, he can Flint-stone his ass to the bank now that I have found out the real reason for his termination. He was given 10 weeks severence and if he leaves quietly, he'll get a reference and they won't hold up his unemployment. He isn't going to fight this because he knows the company has his email and cell phone records.

Current Mood: wide-eyed stare state of shock

Current Music: I Feel Pretty

80s Flashback...This one's for you Eric!

You're at least aged 25 If...


You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.


You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.


In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up."


"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.


In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.


You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.


Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.


You actually know who Rick Springfield is.


You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.


There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together.


You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.


You wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.


The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.


You never used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.


You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding You know who shot J.R.


This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."


You never had a Dorothy Hammill haircut You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.


You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.


You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.


Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.


The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.


60's music is still your favorite.


Prayer was said in school and willingly accepted. 

Low Key

It's been a pretty low key day.

I worked all day and I have tomorrow off. I have another paid holiday for Monday!
I ran into one of my best friends, Josh this morning. He got a job working for Quirk Auto Park as a salesman. I told him about Jim Quirk asking me out, saying he "dates younger women because he CAN!"...
Josh likes the job more than he thought he would, saying he doesn't really feel guilty anymore! He's also moved back to Orono and wants to get together. The last time we got together, was on my other best friend Eric's birthday at Margarita's, and we certainly got "together". He emailed me a few times last summer, but I was seeing AJ at the time.

Anyway, not much else to report! Feeling tired.

Current Mood: Neutral
Song: Groovy Kind of Love Phil Collins

Mood Check

Current Mood: Peaceful Easy Feeling
Current Music: Dance, Baby, Dance...David Bowie in Labyrinth

Music Prior (to watching Labyrinth): Too Much Time on My Hands...STYX...I can never listen to this song without thinking about Eric! :) This was the summer that we were exchanging bitter diatribes in regards to the opposite sex via email and he mentioned that this song was the theme of his solosexual summer. This was just before his reconnecting with Erin.

momandkids

momandkids
Originally uploaded by jennluvsgable.

My happy family!

For the Record

I am not perfect. I am about as far from perfect as I can get. What I am is a single, independent, hardworking mother who is just looking for that custom fit in a Wal-Mart world.

Also, Brian is not perfect, nor have I ever expected him to be. Some have asked why his wife left him after 17 years. Honestly, this isn't my story to tell, but it was certainly all her. For instance, the first time she cheated, it was on an extended family vacation (as in, this was a vacation for extended members of their family), and she was caught sleeping with her own sister's husband!!! After a reconciliation (yes, Brian took her back), she found her "soulmate" at their church and began another affair.

I think he is certainly gun-shy but Brian is not and will never be a guy who likes to "paint" the town. He is a very good man, who thought he was putting everything he had into a relationship he believed in, into one that he thought his life partner had believed in as well. He doesn't take relationships or sex lightly. He is the kind of man that would prefer to be married before having sex, even though I didn't have to twist his arm much to do it with me. Even so, he spent a good part of our time reassuring me, or at least himself, that he wasn't with me just to sleep with me.

I trust this man with my life. I trust him with my children. Even after everything, I still find myself trusting him with my heart. However, I am finding it hard to trust that he is being honest with himself, as he is a master at convincing himself and even me that he is right where he needs to be, emotionally speaking. So my decision is this: Do I wait for the man I so obviously still care deeply for, even though I'll risk getting my heart broken again? OR do I continue to move on with my life looking for my Knight on a Shiny Harley?

For the right guy, I don't think there is anything I wouldn't do to try and make it work.

Sex, Lies and MEN

Brian told me he got scared and that is why he bailed. He said he hadn't felt so strongly about anyone in a long time and that if his ex-wife could bail after 17 years of marriage, then what was to keep me from pulling the rug out from underneath him.
If I have to hear this speech in this lifetime once more, i will have to hurt someone.

WHAT the frig is so scary about me? I take care of myself, I'm open and loving and caring. I'm educated,
employed, funny, articulate, not to mention pretty darn cute when I want to be. I don't lie, cheat or
steal, I vote, I attend church services regularly and devote 15 hours a week of my life to charitable causes. AND I like kids and animals. but I am really starting to not like men.

LOVE

So Brian confessed his love for me last night.
Let's just say I am mega-confused. Of course, I love him, he knows it, I know it, everyone knows it.
I'm confused because I love him, he loves me, so why aren't we together?
Life is so messed up sometimes.

New Site

Hey all...I have a new photo website...HTTP://www.flickr.com/photos/jennluvsgable
check it out.

Last night, Flint and I took the kids sledding on Essex Street Hill. Pics from that are on the new site. Also, I'll be (slowly) transferring some of my favorite pics off of my online photo albums and uploading them there on the site, too. Unfortunately, they are in random order, random in the sense they are in the order that I've uploaded them, the first ones I uploaded, to the more recent ones, and I've uploaded them randomly, so there are some old pics mixed in with new ones. I try to date them, if possible.

The kids and I had a great time. I was determined not to slide down "Suicide Hill", and was quite happy playing photographer, but Flint decided to grab me and pull me into his sled and take me down, all the while screaming and pulling my coat over my head. I didn't see most of the ride down and I've got to say, it wasn't so bad, now that I've lived thru it! :)

He's never skied before and all I can say is payback will be a BITCH next weekend on the mountain! Other than that, we just stayed in and watched movies. It was snowing last night, so we ordered in pizza for the kids and he and I fell asleep cuddled on the couch together. It was very nice. When we're together, it is always very nice, but I've noticed that he and I are taking turns pulling back, being a little gun shy. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we've only been together since November 18, and it's better to take things slow. He suggested that we might need a weekend away together because as we all know, I was in a pretty bad mood on and off last week. I was like, Oh cool! That is just what we need. Then he was like, "But the kids would love to get away, too! Let's make a weekend of it! " SO my enthusiasm has waned a little. I love his children and he's great with mine, but I like to be seen as sexy girlfriend material, too, not just this cute little wifey/mommy role he has me in.

He and I need to sit down and have a serious talk soon, I know this. I just SO dread that. It kind of saps the fun right out of a relationship and I've been in relationships, one in particular, in which I think we talked it right to its doom! What started out as me just getting back into the dating pool, sampling the waters, has turned into (another) full blown relationship. Not necessarily a bad thing, because Flint is pretty great. I've got to say, I wasn't all that interested in the beginning, it was just a way to forget about Brian, but Flint is such a ladies man, that it has spurred my competetive streak and so now I am definitely more interested than I had planned to be. To look at him, one wouldn't think he was THAT spectacular. I mean, I think he's handsome, but certainly attainable. Anyway, he has girls that are his "friends" dropping cards in his mailbox drenched in disgusting perfume, or knocking on his bedroom windows (I know this because I was IN the bedroom, it was like 6 AM and my car was in the driveway) and chatting him up constantly online. BUT he doesn't seem like the typical dog/man. He always tries to reassure me that he's with me and he has taken me to all of his company dinners and I've met his whole family, he's introduced me to his ex-wife, and he's introduced me to his friends AND he spent both thanksgiving and christmas with me, saying that he hasn't spent the holidays with anyone for a long time. SO why does it bug me so much when he goes to the Y (he's a member of USA gym, not the Y) when he knows that I know the "friend" that dropped off the disgusting christmas card works there. I am just questioning his motivation for actually telling me he was going to the Y. He didn't say why (haha) and I did not ask. Was he telling me because he's trying to prove that he has nothing to hide, or is he telling me to get a reaction out of me because he is too much of a man to just sit me down and ask me how I am feeling about him?

OH WELL!!! I've written WAY more than I planned! It feels great to purge, though!

It's SNOWING!!!

I am so happy to finally have snow. Of course, I presently find myself housebound with no SNACKS!
I'm craving chocolate but I'm not driving out in this weather just yet. The snow plows have just gone by. Maybe a quick trip to Irving.
I made a delicious Spanish Rice for supper this evening.

Spanish Rice
2 C. uncooked long grain rice

Tablespoon of each:
parsley
basil
olive oil
chili powder
red pepper

2 Tablespoons of:
sugar
minced onion flakes
2 beef bouillon cubes
28 oz. of diced tomatoes
1 3/4 C. of water

MIX all together in a big pot. Boil. Reduce heat. Cover. Simmer for 25 minutes or until rice is tender. Add a can of corn and some shredded Motz cheese, if so desired. Delicious. I usually give my own personal serving a couple of dashes of Louisiana Style Hot sauce!!!

Current Mood: Better than I have been. I had today off, so I cleaned, cooked and slept in until 10:30.
Current music: my furnace, snowplows, Zach's trumpet and theme song from Lord of the Rings III PS2 game

Do I have a life?

Current mood? Bitchier than I was 12 hours ago!

Reason? Got in a huge fight with daughter number 2. She can't just let me win quietly. NO, she has to keep talking under her breath and the last straw was when she called me a bitch! So, I told her to pack her bags, that she's moving in with Daddy. I know, I know, she is 13 and is testing her limits, but Kayla will be 15 in February and feels no need to test any limits with me. Zach, at 10, is quite happy with the limits he has. Admittedly, now that my blood pressure has returned to normal, Hayley reminds me an awful lot like me. She shows no fear and does not like to lose. One has to admire her spunk. She will not be walked on or taken advantage of, that is for sure!

Brian and I talked last night for some time. It is so weird that we can just talk like nothing was ever wrong. And weird that when I have a bad day, he is the one that makes me feel better. It is all so confusing. If he's not the one, then why did everything just fit together so perfect? It gives me a headache to think about it all.

Just when you thought I'd go away...

Current Mood: Right Wing (Yes, it IS a mood)

Outside Temp and Conditions: it's WET. it's Bleary. and oh so not-cheery.

Music I am listening to right now: Word Up by Korn

What's on the TV: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 3 Buffy & Angel 4-ever!!!

Reading Material: the Bible and Dean Koontz's The Watchers




My son just came in the living room. He's eating pancakes and sausage and drinking milk out of a measuring cup! I think that is a hint I may need to do some dishes! I don't have to work today until 1:30, so I will have time.

Winter Blahs

So the winter doldrums have set in early so far for me this year. I don't usually start feeling this way until at least March. I mean, if it is gonna be cold, then give us skiers some snow, instead of all this freaking rain!!! 2004 was the suckiest year EVER for me! I am so happy to see it go. It should have been the happiest. I graduated college. I have a job. I found my religion (again!). I avoided a nervous breakdown in September when classes started and I was no longer a student. I have wonderful friends, even if we are now spread far apart.
2004 saw the loss of 2 people for me.

Welch Everman, 57, ( a few days shy of his 58th birthday) prolific writer, accomplished jazz musician, English professor, father, husband, mentor, advisor, and friend, succumbed after fighting his battle with lung cancer. He was taken much too soon and will forever be missed. He was the most amazing professor ever. I used to joke with him about his classes always being "sold out" and he never failed to reserve me a seat in any and all I wanted to audit. I'll be kept busy, though. He left me a list of authors that I must read in my lifetime, with the condition that I read every book the said author has ever written. His biggest fear was that he'd be forgotten. His Welch-isms will live on in me, as I regale my classes with Everman stories and he lives on, for a teacher is the product of her teacher, who is the product of his teacher and of his teacher and so on. Beckett would be proud! Ironically, Charlie and I had our second "date" at his funeral! Welch is laughing about this somwhere.

Karen Jay, 59, wife, mother, teacher, Onward student, friend, former student of Welch, died of a sudden heart attack a few weeks before Christmas. She was a wonderful lady, who always had a kind word or a hug to cheer me up. She is one of the unique few that started this college experience with me. I will be forever changed by that experience and the people I have met have left a lifelong impact on me. It is hard to put into words how much my Onward crew mean to me.

So, back to my blahs. I should be blah-free, with the exception of the loss of my two friends. I am dating a wonderful man. He works for Bangor Daily News, has two beautiful, wonderful children, who also happen to get along beautifully with mine. He is perfect for me, yet he is not Brian. I don't know when that phrase will stop for me, that "he's not Brian" phrase. While dating AJ, it was evident daily "he's just not Brian". My new guy deserves more than this so I am trying very hard to leave the past in the past. I deserve to be happy and Flint makes me happy, not to mention, he's adorable! But when I talk with my future self, I am always sitting on my front porch swing and Brian is the one sitting by my side.

I went to Fort Fairfield this past Thursday, for Larry's Night of Basketball. The kids and I had fun. It was good to see everyone. I had to drive up and back the same night because Flint and I had plans for New Year's Eve. I had a very sick day on New Year's Day. I am getting too old for that. Obviously!!! A great start to the new year. Nothing like waking up, after a few hours sleep, still drunk, yakking in a strange toilet, which ironically would have been the PERFECT ending to 2004, but just my luck, my perfect ending became the beginning to 2005! Kudos to me! Timing has never been my thing. Time for my latte!!! Thank God for Ampersand's double Irish cream lattes, with skim milk, in a tall cup!