Tastefully Simple

My Tastefully Simple party is tonight after work. I have lots to cook to get ready for the party. It will be fun and yummy, but I really don't know what I was thinking planning it during a busy work week. I don't have time for these kind of parties anymore.

I'm going to keep a log of when I am feeling queasy. Last night, VERY bad. I thought for sure I was going to throw up. This morning, moderate to bad and I rolled over and fell back to sleep. Yesterday afternoon, moderate.

OMG

I am so flipping tired right now. It has been in incredibly long day. As frustrating as that is, at least I don't have extra time to drive myself crazy.

I have that Tastefully Simple party I am hosting tomorrow night after work. I don't know why I get myself into these things.

Right now, I am going to finish up some laundry and go to bed. I am sleeping in tomorrow, come hell or high water!!!

Well There

I'm relaxing for a minute catching up on some laundry. I went to my meeting this morning, which I had to be there for at 8 AM. I am working tonite until 8:30. The meeting ran long, over two hours. I have to pick up the kids in an hour. I have to pay some bills. Run to the grocery store and then head to the center.

Brian asked me two weeks ago if I'd lost more weight. He never notices anything like that and I hadn't weighed in for awhile, but I told him I didn't think so. Well, I am now wearing my 1st ever in about 16 years size 5's. This could be an explanation for my moodiness and irregular periods, but I am quite certain that weightloss only affects your period if you BMI goes below 14 or 12 or something. I am pretty certain I am no where near there and I am quite certain it isn't because I am exercising too much. Not once has my period been affected by overexercising. Not even when I was training for my triathlon.

Current Mood: maintaining
Current Music: Where is the music? I haven't listened to any for a few days.

There Will Be Lying

This is what was said to me at work today about tomorrow's staff meeting. I can hardly wait! At least it is entertaining. I, thankfully, have little to do with what the meeting is about.

I heard for the first time today a new psychological diagnosis. It is called bipolar II. It is characterized by more depression, with a few manic episodes, whereas with regular bipolar one bounces back and forth frequently and pretty evenly. I had to question the point of the second diagnosis. It is treated the same way as bipolar, depression, anxiety and ocd...antidepressants, therapy, exercise and diet...so why a new name? I think people seem to be on this kick of wanting a name for their problems. Of the 80 or so clients living in the transitional housing development where I work, 97% of them have at least one diagnosis, with over half of them dual-diagnoses. They are all popping pills, out of work, the majority on SSI or are getting SSDI, which is social security on one or more of their dependents, on welfare and/or collecting unemployment.

I sat in on a crisis meeting with a client who has been domestically abused. We had been made aware of the problem several months ago, but the woman at that time didn't want to do anything about it after reluctantly agreeing there was even a problem. So, surprise surprise, there was a physical altercation this weekend, with the husband being arrested and is presently sitting in jail awaiting $500 bail. The woman came in to sign her intent to vacate paperwork because she is moving back in with her parents. I had the opportunity to talk with her. Having been in a similar situation, I was able to advise her about the importance of maintaining a protection order, of not having any contact with him at all, about working with and listening to the victim's advocate and to not have the charges dropped against him.

I had the charges dropped against Mike one time. The first time. I took him back. I denied there was any problem. I made excuse after excuse about his behavior. The violence escalated. He moved out. He stalked me for months and I was forced to get a protection order. He knew my whole schedule, when I got out of work, where I worked, where I had class, when I went to the grocery store and I learned how to not park in a position where he could block me in. I switched my schedule all around and I traveled with friends whenever possible. The last straw was the night I woke up in the middle of the night. He was standing over me and watching me sleep. What woke me up was hearing him say that I would regret leaving him for the rest of my life. This was two years after he moved out. He just wouldn't let this go. I got the protection order and a few weeks later he was in my house again. This time breaking my computer, my tv, my digital camera, just tearing up my house. I had finally had enough and I went after him. I didn't care if I died in the process, but I was going to kill him. I remember my friend Allison pulling me off of him and I threw her off of me and went back at him. Desaraye had called the cops because she was downstairs hearing all of it, thinking I was the one getting beat on. The police came and I remember Mike sitting in the back of their car with a broken nose and a dislocated shoulder. I was sure I was going to be arrested because he was the one bleeding this time. The officer, Seth, said that I had a right to defend my home and the fact that I had a protection order meant that he wasn't supposed to be at my home or anywhere near me.

Anyway, I told this girl my story and I wished her luck. This is the first time the police have been involved with them. She swears she is done with him. I asked why she didn't get the protection order yet. She works, what is this going to do to their son, she is moving in with her parents and they'll protect her. Excuse after excuse, like me. I know in my gut she will take him back.

November 27, 2005

I was just reading my blog entries from the last year. I can say 2005 was way better than 2004. I hope 2006 and will be even better. I'm not crying anymore. Now I am just bitchy. The kids and I played Quiddler and Tri-Ominoes tonight. We had honey mustard chicken, candied sweet potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce and some pie we hadn't gotten to on Thanksgiving.

I've kept up this blog for a year. I am very proud of that. It has been one of the healthiest things I've ever done for myself. Plus I've made some new friends because of it!

I really need to get some sleep. I want to read a little before falling off. I can't believe I have to be at work at 8 AM tomorrow. I have really liked having the last 4 days off.

Where in the heck did THAT come from?

I completely flipped out on Brian last night. It wasn't over anything big, he was just nitpicking and normally I either ignore him, give it right back to him, or just tell him to bite the big one. WELL, instead of doing any of that, I just started crying and that escalated into a big downward spiral. After my emotional meltdown, he was like, "Is it that time of the month?" Well, honey, as a matter of fact, we have to talk about that. I had my period and it stopped and then it started for about two hours, then it stopped again. I've been crying on and off today for NO REASON. Last night, I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. I'm quite certain this is all hormonal, though I'm feeling better right at this particular moment.

Ornament Rich

I remember my first Christmas in my own house. I remember being a little ornament poor. I really miss those days! Decorating is SO overwhelming now. I am sitting here, with the tree up, lights and garland on and I am ready to quit! I don't even want to put up the million ornaments I've accumulated over the last 16 years. I remember feeling this way every year. What I don't remember is actually how I get from this point to the tree all done point. I think I just sit here and blog and wait for the little tree decorating elves to come in and do their thing. I still have 4 totes that I have yet to go through. In them are the years of ornaments I accrued and all of my houses that light up and make a snowy village. I thought it would be cute to start collecting them years ago. Yeah, real flipping cute! My village is now a city. Don't even get me started on the entry way and stairway. That might even be another day. I do have our stockings up. I have a 4 year old little helper. My niece Alexis is here.

I am curious why a month or two ago I couldn't WAIT to get started with the Christmas season! After the shopping today and the mess in my living room and the chaos of Thanksgiving yesterday...I am ready for SUMMER! :) The lazy days of Brian and I biking all over without much to care about.

Current Mood: anticipating return of tree decorating elf helpers
Current Music: Grandma got Run Over by a Reindeer

Happy Black Friday!!!

Well, I am feeling a lot better. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant, but I'll give that another week or two before taking any kind of test.

Brian and I spent Thanksgiving at his sister's house down in Portland. His other two sisters, Jennifer and Sarah were there with their husbands and children. It was a very nice time. I really really love his family. There were 20 people there for Thanksgiving dinner. The food was great and the company was even better.

The girls and I did some Christmas shopping this morning. Now we're home, relaxing a little. I think we're going to put up the tree and then try to head back out to do some more shopping! I say "TRY" because we're being infiltrated with shopping Canadians!

Current Mood: quite festive
Current Music: We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Freaked

Okay, I am officially freaked out now. My "period" has now come to a stop. Not even 24 hours. The only time something even close to this has occured, has been when I am pregnant. Can stress stop a period, mid-period? What is fun to think about in theory (like I wonder what our kids would look like ) isn't so much fun when it could be a reality. Not to mention, the other options if it isn't pregnancy aren't any better. It could be a cyst, a tumor, though these two things tend to increase bleeding, some kind of cancer, early menopause or even pre-menopause. It could be stress, my diet, or both. I could have hyper or hypo-thyroidism, though I haven't gained any weight, and my weightloss seems to have slowed. I've Googled all of my symptoms and the FIRST thing that keeps coming up is 'Signs of Early Pregnancy'...even before a missed period.

I also Googled the incidence of pregnancies after vasectomies and THOUSANDS of women are in this predicament. The only ones that seem to say the incidence is low are the doctors performing the surgeries. Being intelligent, I could surmise that most doctors offering this as a form of birth control are not going to advertise high failure rates.

I am now a complete emotional wreck.

Tanya asked if I could be pregnant. Honestly, the thought has crossed my mind, not to mention the fact that Brian has been talking a lot about having a baby, but it would be highly unlikely. Brian had a vasectomy like 6 or 7 years ago. However, I recently found out that he never went back to have his sperm count retested after the procedure. I also recently found out that vasectomies can "heal" themselves after a couple of years, leading to lots of pregnant women out there thinking they couldn't get pregnant. Neither one of us are opposed to the idea and I found one freaky website that suggests that your mind has the power to get you pregnant...for instance, one must reconfirm monthly "I do or do not want to get pregnant this month" and supposedly, your body will listen, suggesting that your latent desire to get pregnant may override your overt use of contraceptives. That seems a little too voodoo for me.

These are the facts:

I have been extremely tired the last few weeks. (+)
I've had headaches. (+)
Brian has had a vasectomy. (-)
We did do it during my most fertile time. (+)
I've had to pee frequently. (+)
My boobs hurt. (+)
I'm having severe lower back pain and cramping, which I don't typically have. (+) or (-)
I've been extremely irregular the last 2 cycles, and for the last 20 years, you could set a clock to my cycle.
I have been feeling very dizzy. (+)
I've been feeling very queasy. (+)

Every time I have been pregnant, I've had like a "mini" period, which leads me to think I am not pregnant, and then the next month I skip it completely. I've recently found out that that is very common and is called implantation bleeding. I'm always relieved because it appears to have started, but I also notice that it isn't as heavy as usual and I usually finish up a day earlier than usual. I usually am VERY heavy for the first 24 hours, so any kind of deviance from this routine is very obvious. The fact that I am just spotting right now and not flowing heavy has me a little freaked.

I could also be going thru early menapause. This would be as unlikely as me getting pregnant by Brian. If this spotting doesn't get a little heavier in the next day, I am making an appointment.

Okay

This queasiness has got to stop. Even though I had such a fantastic weekend with Brian, Saturday night, after we fell asleep, I kept waking up because my stomach was killing me. Sunday it wasn't so bad and last night I felt like I was over whatever this bug is, except that I was still having some pretty bad cramping. I woke up this morning feeling queasy again. I am taking the day off from work.

Another Wonderful Sunday

Brian got here about 6 PM last night and we went to dinner at this fabulous restaurant downtown. We both agreed it was probably the best meal we've had in 2005! I had two glasses of red wine, he had two glasses of white and then we went to Club Detour to play some pool. I had another drink there and a jello shot, and he had a couple of beers and then we went back to the hotel. Today we had breakfast at a cafe downtown Ellsworth and took a drive to Schoodic Point. Would have loved to shared pics about the beautiful day on the coast today but Brian forgot his camera and I left mine home thinking he'd have remebered his. Still a great day.

Now I am home and going to finish the last of the four new movies I bought and wait for my kids to come home. They are still with their dad.

To Latte or Not to Latte...

The kids are going to see Harry Potter tonight with their dad. I bought 4 new movies since I'll be spending the evening in. Or so I thought. Now Brian might be coming back down. He doesn't like it when I am all alone like that.

I am still feeling weird. Headache, stiff neck. I woke up this morning feeling for sure it was a sinus infection. My stomach is so crampy, though. My period isn't supposed to start until next week. Yes, I am premenstrual mood-wise, but I typically am not crampy, except maybe the day before or the first day of. I've had waves of nausea too. I don't really feel sick, I just feel like something just isn't quite right. I've had to pee A LOT too.

Today, I am really going to clean my room. I did get the majority of it done last week, but I still need to reorganize my bookshelves. I have two wall-to-ceiling ones and two mid-level bookshelves. They are filled with books and pictures of the kids, Brian and I and of course my precious little preschoolers! I think I have as many pictures of them as I have of my own kids! :) That year will always hold a very special spot in my life. Now I can't wait to be relocated and opening my own preschool! The more Brian and I talk about it, the sooner I see the plan becoming a reality. I still want $4000 or $5000 saved up before I start. Brian advised that that is a good idea. Having owned several of his own businesses, he said that when people start a business in the hole or dead even, they end up scrambling around trying to make ends meet. This subject came up because we were talking about my business plan and he said, "So start." And I said, "I can't until I have a couple of thousand saved up. I've given myself 3 years. I want to know that the business bills will be taken care of for a few months, without having to draw from the cash flow coming in each week. I want to be able to pay things out of that savings account, and then put money back in, as it comes in. That way, if someone is late with a payment, or if the daycare slots are full yet, I won't have to panic, because there will already be money in the bank for that purpose." I don't have a problem paying myself back. The reason I've given myself 3 years is because I have 3 separate accounts. One is my checking account. One is my savings that I strictly use for vacation purposes. This is my vacation account and under no circumstances do I withdraw money from this account, except at vacation time. By around each April, I have approximately $4000 saved up for the kids and I to take our big vacation and then a couple of long weekend vacations throughout the year. I also have started my business savings account. The sole purpose of this account is to save money for the daycare. I can only put in $50 here and there and so I expect it will be a much longer process to save up the 4 or 5 thousand. If I give up my latte habit and put that money into the account I would save $1248.30 a year!!! Even if I cut the habit to every other day, I would save over $600 a year. This is definitely something to consider.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Christmas music

November 18, 2005

The dryer repair man can't finish the job until next week when the part I need comes in. He had to order the part. I'll live. Thank heavens my washing machine still works. We have a washer and dryer here at work, so on Monday, I'll bring in a load of washed towels so I can dry them. I already did a couple of loads of my clothes and clothes for the kids. We should be able to make due until midweek, at which time my dryer will be working! :)

Brian took me to lunch today. He had to go back to class and then he'll be coming back over here to help me at the office. He gave me one of his scanners at his office and is going to hook it up upstairs for me, so the kids can use it here over at the center. I don't know where we're going to supper tonight. I'm not really feeling well. I have had the chills all day and a slight sore throat. I've had a stiff neck going on like 2 months now. Some days it is better than others. I think it is mostly stress because last Saturday night/Sunday morning, while I was with Brian, my neck never hurt at all. By Monday morning, it was hurting worse than ever. I am also premenstrual.

Current Mood: tired and a little achey
Current Music: Let It Go........Godsword

So Here I Sit

I'm waiting for the Appliance Man to show up. He said noon. Hopefully it is a quick fix. I have gone a few days without my clothes dryer and it is driving me batty! It has definitely increased my anxiety not being able to do a load or two here and there.

Zach has a dr's appointment at 1:30. I have to pick up the girls at 2:30 and then off to the center. I have no idea what we are having for supper tonight. I haven't given it much thought.

I tried to sleep in this morning but after I woke up, instead of going back to sleep, the things I had to get done today kept going over and over in my mind. So by 8:30 I couldn't take it anymore and just got up. Got my latte, ran a few of my errands and picked up.

Current Mood: still tired...no time for a nap yet!
Current Music: Summer of '69..........Bryan Adams

Back at Work

My hours today-
8:30-11 AM
2:30-6 PM

6 hours total for today, on a day that is typically my "easy" day. Not no more!
I get to pick up a few things at Walmart after this!

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Sharp Dressed Man........ZZ Top

Two Whole Hours!

I have two whole hours to myself!!! I don't believe it! I am going to clean a little, so I don't have to do so much tomorrow. I don't have to be at work until about 3 tomorrow. Zach has a dr's appointment at 1 and we'll head to the center after that.

Is It Over Yet?

It is 3 PM and I am still functioning! The meeting this morning was good. I met some new people this morning, one who took my name and is friends with a woman who owns an indie film company here in Maine. She was quite impressed with some of the iMovies the kids here at the center have been filming, editing and burning on their own. She also takes her independent movie short Trap to schools and gives a little presentation about it. I think it might be neat if we could get her to come to the center. I think the kids would like to meet her. I also got to meet Bangor's newest Mayor.

Anyway, that is what the exciting news is around here. I am beyond tired and am on like my 4th cup of coffee.

EEEEK!

A typical long Monday. I am praying tomorrow goes by fast. I have to be at Rangeley Hall at EMCC tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM for a United Way board of directors meeting. We'll be having breakfast there, so that won't be so bad and we'll be done by 9:15. Then instead of going home, I get to go to the center and get things ready and organized for our preschool playgroup that Dawn and I are starting Wednesday mornings, 9-11. I need to be back in Old Town by 2 PM to get the kids and then head back to the center until 8. So my day will be long. 7:30 AM until 8 PM. Not looking forward to it because I can't really sleep in on Wednesday because of playgroup, so that means, I won't have any down time until Thursday morning.

I have been fighing a very crampy stomach today and a splitting headache. It was in the 60's today, so the warm air was quite welcome. I am so glad next week is Thanksgiving because I will have Thursday and Friday off.

Wonderful

Brian and I had an absolutely wonderful romantic night last night and day today. It was beautiful out so we took a nice drive to Greenville to check out Moosehead Lake and Squaw Mountain. We had dinner at the SeaDog, took a nice stroll along the waterfront and then went for a little drive and made out in the car for a LONG time! :) We also addressed the white elephant that has been haunting us for a few weeks. Brian and I agreed that at least this time we got through it without breaking up! Then we talked about getting older together and if I would stay with him if he ever got sick. I said of course! I told him that I knew he'd stay with me. He looked at me kind of funny and then said, "If someone told me tomorrow that you were going to die unless I traded my life for yours, it would be the fastest decision that would ever be made. That is how much I love you and how much you mean to me." Kind of morbid, I know, but it made me cry. Later in the evening, a song came on the radio and he sang to me and then he was crying. We spent the whole day together just laughing and talking. We didn't even listen to any cd's until the very last 20 minutes or so of the ride home. When he is like this, in this mood, and this loving, there could never be anyone else in the world for me. I am utterly and madly in love with him.

Current Mood: absolutely blissful, and I hope it lasts for a few days, at least!

Current Music: Just Remember I Love You............Firefall